Snippets From The Potterverse

Indecent Proposal

2011-06-14T11:06:00.001-04:00

Chapter 94 - Indecent Proposal

Remus sat in Grimmauld Place, reading a long scroll of parchment. He was feeling a little down. His transformation had come over him night before last, and even with Padfoot by his side, the wolf had taken its toll. Remus nibbled on a piece of chocolate, and sighed. He shoved the parchment away, and stared unseeingly across the kitchen. Even the weather reflected his feelings, with a chilly grey sky and heavy rain. Sniffling a little, Remus wondered if he should go take a nap.

But before he could stand, the kitchen door opened and Sirius walked in, smiling. "Morning, love." He came up behind Remus and kissed his neck softly. "I have a surprise for you."

"A surprise?" Remus turned to face his lover. "What is it?"

To his utter shock, Sirius reached into his robes and pulled out a small box, dropping to one knee as he did so. He opened the box to reveal a lovely, glittering ring. "Remus... will you marry me?"

All the depressing thoughts blew away in an instant. Remus' heart leapt for joy, tears filling his eyes. "Oh - oh Siri!" He broke down as Sirius smiled up at him. "Yes! Yes! Of course I'll marry you!"

Sirius slipped the ring on Remus' finger. It was a bit tight, but Remus was too happy to notice. He flung his arms around Sirius' neck, kissing him passionately. "Oh Siri-! I've been waiting so long...."

"I love you, Remus," Sirius whispered.

"Oh Siri... I love you too..." Remus beamed, looking at his ring. 'But -"

"But what?" Sirius looked worried.

"My ring. It's too tight," Remus said, trying to twist it off. "It hurts."

"Oh, I'm sorry....." Sirius helped Remus pull it off. "I must've, uh, picked the wrong size."

"But Siri... you know my ring size." Remus stared at him. "You memorized it in sixth year."

"Um, oh - sorry, Remus - I probably forgot when I was in Azkaban..."

"You wouldn't forget." Remus' eyes narrowed. "And you haven't called me 'Remmie'. Not once."

"Er - Remmy-"

"You spelled it wrong!" Remus shrieked, jumping up from Sirius' lap. "You're not Sirius!!!!"

"Remus -"

"What underwear am I wearing?" Remus asked suspiciously.

"Er - boxers?"

"NO!" Remus screamed, backing away. "You watched me put on the pink panties you like! YOU ARE NOT SIRI!"

At that moment the kitchen door swung open again, and another Sirius entered, rubbing his head. "Somebody hit me on the head and stuffed me in Buckbeak's room," he complained.

"Siri!" Remus ran to him, sobbing. "Is that really you?"

"Of course it is, Remmie. What's -" Sirius saw the other Sirius, and scowled. "Tonks. Knock it off."

Remus gaped in horror as the extra Sirius transformed back into the familiar pink-haired form of Tonks. "Shit. Almost had him."

"The day you marry my boyfriend is the day I gut myself," Sirius growled. "Get another hobby, will you?"

"I... I kissed Tonks," Remus whispered. "I... I.... have... I have... COOTIES!"

And he passed out.

Adventures Of Pigwidgeon

2011-06-14T11:04:00.000-04:00

Chapter 93 -Adventures of Pigwidgeon

Ron patted Pigwidgeon on the head. “Don’t screw up, okay?” he said to the tiny owl. “Make sure this gets to Mum in good shape.”

Pigwidgeon hooted importantly. Ron carried him over to the window and let him go. He watched as the owl fluttered away in a wavering line. “I wonder what happens to him on his journeys,” he said to himself, watching Pig until he became a dot on the horizon.

After leaving the Hogwarts grounds, Pig made his way over the rocky terrain and grassy fields of Scotland, more or less making his way in the direction of Ottery St. Catchpole. He flew rather like Woodstock in the Snoopy cartoons; that is, he sometimes flew backwards or upside-down, always on a shaky course. If he had been a cartoon, a dotted line would have marked his progress through the air.

Around nightfall, Pig heard a strange array of sounds. A woman's sobbing echoed over the crackle of flames. As Pig drew closer, he saw that the woman's house was on fire! The woman was sobbing into her hands. "My baby! My baby!"

Pigwidgeon carefully placed Ron's letter in a tree, and fluttered down to the flaming house. He swooped in through the window, carefully avoiding the flames. He heard the baby crying and followed the sound into the nursery. Demostrating strength no one had ever expected of him, Pig grasped the back of the baby's shirt and lifted him out the window, into his mother's arms.

"My baby! Oh, thank you, little owl!" the lady cried happily.

Pig hooted and retrieved Ron's letter, then continued on his lopsided way. He fluttered along all night, and finally stopped to rest. Then he heard a soft cheeping. A baby bird had fallen out of a nest! Carefully, Pig swooped down to the baby bird and reassured it with gentle hoots. He then picked up the baby bird in his talons, carefully, and carried him back to his nest. The baby bird chirped excitedly, happy to be back with its siblings. Pig hooted and flew off.

Soon he was flying over London. He heard a shriek. "Help! My purse!"

A robber was running away, clutching an old lady's handbag. Hooting loudly, Pig shot out of the sky and into the robber's face, attacking with claws and beak, his wings fluttering in the robber's face.

"Blimey! Stupid - what the-" the robber swatted at Pig furiously, swearing. He dropped the lady's bag, but didn't notice until the old lady started beating him about the head with it, screaming. Pig disengaged himself from the fight as several bobbies joined in, swinging their clubs at the robber.

"Thank you, little owl!" the old lady called after him.

Finally, Pig fluttered down on the sill of the Burrow's kitchen window. He hooted. After a few minutes, Mrs. Weasley appeared and retrieved the letter Pig bore. It had gotten a little crumpled and dirty in the fight with the robber, and Mrs. Weasley sighed.

"Honestly, Pigwidgeon.... you're getting just as bad as Errol these days."

Two Of A Kind

2009-11-16T16:18:00.000-05:00

Chapter 92 - Two Of a Kind

Sirius and Remus had escaped from Grimmauld Place to go on a date. It wasn’t much fun being around the children at the moment. Ron, still traumatized by Harry’s reenactment of The Jerry Springer Show, spent his days curled in a ball in the corner, muttering to himself. Hermione and Ginny, embarrassed beyond imagination by being forced to wear hideous whore clothes, hid in their bedroom most of the day. And Harry, upset at losing the television, wandered around randomly kicking things and muttering vicious threats under his breath.

The two men headed for Diagon Alley, planning on getting drinks at the Leaky Cauldron. Remus was never a really big drinker, but right now, he felt a strong glass of firewhiskey was just what he needed.

As soon as they stepped through the door of the pub, Sirius volunteered to order the drinks. Remus was a bit wary, because Sirius was prone to overdoing it when not supervised; but he agreed good-naturedly and went to sit down.

“Hullo Tom,” Sirius said cheerfully to the bartender, who grinned at him.

“What’ll it be, Mr. Black?”

“A good, stiff firewhiskey for Remus, and a bottle of rum for myself.” Sirius winked at Tom.

“You bet.” Tom accepted the five Galleons Sirius slid across the counter, and began pouring Remus’ whiskey. Sirius leaned against the bar and cast an eye around the pub. There was the usual assortment of little old witches sipping at whiskey shots and discussing the latest gossip; a wizard in a black cloak was tucking into a large helping of steak-and-kidney pie and a lager; and beside Sirius, seated at the bar, was a man with long, brown hair. Sirius studied him out of the corner of his eye. He had on some unusual clothes - a billowy white shirt, grey trousers, a ragged old vest, and tall brown boots. His hair was ornamented with strings of beads and a red bandanna. A pistol hung from a thick belt over his shoulder, a compass hung from his waist, and the lot was covered by a dark brown coat. A tricorner hat rested on the bar beside him. He looked rather like a pirate.

As though sensing Sirius’ gaze, the man looked up. Sirius offered a friendly smile, which the man returned. He had several gold teeth, Sirius noted, and his beard was braided and beaded. When he spoke, it was with a slightly roughened voice. “Oi. Whiskey drinker, are you?”

“Nah. It’s for my boyfriend. I’m more of a rum man, myself,” Sirius grinned.

The pirate laughed. “That’s what I like to hear!” He held out a hand. “Captain Jack Sparrow. Pleased to meet ye.”

“Sirius Black.” They shook hands. “Captain, is it?”

“You bet. Been around the world, seen it all. Once I was marooned on a desert island. As one lass put it, it was three days of ‘lying on the beach, drinking rum’.”

Sirius cackled. “Sounds like my kind of vacation!”

Jack held up his glass of rum. “A fine man!” They clinked glasses.

“Cheers!” Sirius downed his rum in two gulps.

“Fancy a drinking game?” Jack winked at him.

“You bet!” Sirius grabbed his bottle of rum. Jack did the same. “1-2-3-GO!”

THREE HOURS LATER

Remus, all this time, had been innocently reading a book as he waited for Sirius to bring the drinks. He had glanced up at one point to see Sirius chatting with a pirate-y looking fellow at the bar, but his jealousy nerve hadn’t twinged in the slightest, so he had gone back to reading. But by now his arse hurt from sitting in the wooden chair, and he realised he had been sitting there without a drink for a very long time.

He put his book down and approached the bar. “Siri?”

Sirius grinned at him. His eyes were red-rimmed and bleary; the man opposite him had the same look. The bar was littered with empty rum bottles and one solitary glass of whiskey. “Remmie! ‘Bout time ya showed up. This bloke... ‘e... ‘e’s a captain.... ‘e’s got gold teeth...”

“This is your lad, eh?” the pirate leered. “Blimey, I can see what you like about him. That arse is divine.”

“You know it,” Sirius slurred, squeezing Remus’ rear end. Remus yelped and blushed, heartily embarrassed.

“Sirius, I think you and your friend have had enough for tonight,” he began.

“Not nearly enough!” Sirius planted a disgusting, sloppy, stubbly, rum-smelling kiss on his lover’s cheek.

Jack continued to leer. “How’s about a three-way, mate?” he asked Sirius.

“NO thank you,” Remus said irritably, though Sirius was nodding in agreement. “Come along, Siri, Molly’s going to have supper waiting -”

“Aww, Remmie!!” Sirius pouted. There was a loud thump and a snore. Jack had fallen asleep, his head resting on the tiny amount of wood that showed amidst all the empty bottles.

Remus pulled a handful of Galleons from Sirius’ pocket and handed them to Tom before hauling his lover off the stool. “You’ve emptied Tom’s rum supply. I can’t believe you drank that much!”

“But I believe in me!” Sirius sang as they staggered from the pub.

“Well, don’t!” Remus said, exasperated.

Trash TV

2009-11-16T16:15:00.001-05:00

Chapter 91 - Trash TV

The Easter holidays arrived, and Harry and his friends returned to the dismal atmosphere of Grimmauld Place. When they arrived (picked up by Mr. Weasley, since Mrs. Weasley would not allow Sirius to drive anywhere ever again with the kids in the car), it was to find the house decorated with paper rabbits, pastel-coloured paper chains, and plastic chicks (enchanted to chirp and hop). It looked like a certain ex-convict was going a little stir-crazy.

But the latest development in the house was the installation of a Muggle television, one big enough to block Sirius’ family tree from view. Bill, Fleur, Sirius, Remus, the twins, and Tonks were clustered around it when the children entered the drawing room.

“Hey, TV,” Harry said happily. He plopped down on the sofa beside his godfather. “Now I’ll get to choose what I want to watch for a change.”

“Does it get the History Channel?” Hermione asked eagerly, perching on a hassock with Ginny.

Ron said nothing. He just bowed to the television and sat on the floor gazing up at it, his eyes as large as Galleons.

“Brand new,” Sirius said proudly. “It cost tons.”

“We’re bankrupt,” Remus mumbled in a undertone.

“Oh, be quiet. It’s the best, isn’t it, Harry?” Sirius beamed.

“It sure is!” Harry clapped in delight.

As this was going on, something else was happening. A long, long time ago, Sirius’ father had hated Muggles so much that he had vowed never to let any Muggle artifact or device enter his home. So in defense, he had put a curse on the house. This curse would destroy any and all Muggle objects in the house as soon as they were brought in. However, it took a while to work on electronic devices, especially large ones. But as Harry and his friends were happily watching television, the curse was working, building and building until....

POOF. The television screen went blank. A cloud of smoke emerged from behind the unit. The smell of ozone and melted plastic filled the air.

“What happened?” Harry wailed, remote control still in hand.

“This looks like Da’s work,” Sirius said glumly. “He must’ve put a curse on the house. He’s the worst father that ever lived... or died....”

Ron was crushed. “I always wanted to see what those Muggle talk shows were like!”

“You mean you’ve never seen Jerry Springer?” Harry gasped.

“Nooooooo,” Ron wailed.

“Well, we can’t have that!” Harry leapt to his feet, a brilliant plan formulating in his brain. “Come here! I have an idea!”

~Twenty minutes later~

Sirius’ drawing room had been transformed into a set of sorts. Three chairs sat before the fireplace. Hermione sat in one, looking very embarrassed in a miniskirt and thigh-high stockings. Bill stood off to the side, wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. Ron, his parents, Fleur, Tonks, and Remus were seated on the sofa and in chairs, facing the “stage”. Harry, holding a pile of index cards and wearing a black suit with bowling shoes, stood off to the side.

“Hello everyone, I’m Jerry Springer, and today I have guests who need to get sexy secrets off their chests! My first guest is Hermione! Hello Hermione, what’s wrong?”

Hermione squinted. Fred was standing behind the sofa, holding up cue cards for her to read out loud. “’‘Hello Har - Jerry. I came here today because my husband is cheating on me.’ You spelled ‘husband’ wrong,” she said to Fred.

“Never mind that.” Harry said hastily. “Let’s bring out your husband, Sirius!”

Sirius emerged from behind one of the curtains. He was wearing a gray football jersey and jeans that were far too big for him. They kept slipping, revealing his heart-printed boxers to the world. Remus quickly pulled out a hanky to stop the flow of drool; Mrs. Weasley groaned and averted her eyes.

Sirius went to join Hermione, tripping over his jeans because he was trying to read the cue cards as he walked. “Yo... biatch? I.... don’t want you anymore. You’re... a.. ho?”

Hermione turned red, but struggled to read her lines. “You cheater. How could you do this to me?”

“You have to meet the other woman now!” Harry cut in. “Here’s Ginny!”

Ginny emerged from a closet, wearing a checkered halter top and Daisy Duke shorts, her hair in pigtails. “I’ve just come from my.... trailer park? ... to talk to you, bitch.” She blushed profusely. “Sirius is my man now. So go back to your job at... Mc Donald’s!”

Hermione read her next line. “Well I have to tell you something too, you whore. I am sleeping with your boyfriend George.”

George came out dressed in a fashion similar to Sirius’. “I had your woman and she was... da bomb?” he said to Sirius.

“Yo, you ain’t touching my girl. Hit George with chair.” Sirius read.

“I think you’re supposed to do it, out read it out loud,” said George.

“Oh. Sorry.” Sirius picked up a chair.

“That’s enough of that.” Bill took the chair away. Harry smiled and cleared his throat.

“Audience, any comments?”

“Sirius, I’m touching your boyfriend!” Tonks sang, her hand plopping down on Remus’ thigh.

Sirius turned red. “Get you hands off him, BITCH!” he yelled, throwing one of his Nikes at her. Remus shoved her hand away and ran to the loo to wash off the cooties. Harry beamed and plopped down on a tiny stool.

“Well, that’s that. And now for my final thought.”

“What d’you mean ‘that’s it’? You didn’t solve anything.” Hermione said, disgruntled.

Harry ignored her. “Cheating ultimately hurts both parties. Be smart, don’t start. Until next time, take care of yourself, and each other.” He turned to his audience. “So, how did you like it?”

Silence reigned.

Ron twitched. “Is this another toadstool dream?”

“Sadly, no.”

Ron fainted.

Fondue For Buckbeak

2009-11-08T22:21:00.001-05:00

Chapter 90 - Fondue For Buckbeak

It was Saturday morning. As usual, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were going down to Hagrid’s house to visit before Quidditch practise started. Harry led the way, walking a million miles ahead of Hermione. He still hadn’t quite forgiven her for trying to pair him up with Draco Malfoy.

Buckbeak the hippogriff was tethered in Hagrid’s front yard. Sirius and Hagrid had a system where Buckbeak lived at 12 Grimmauld Place on weekdays and came to visit Hagrid on weekends. Harry often wondered if Sirius and Hagrid knew how strongly a resemblance their agreement bore to the custody settlements of divorced Muggles.

The three teenagers bowed to Buckbeak, who bowed back and resumed crunching a mouthful of ferret bones. Harry trooped up to Hagrid's door and knocked. After a few seconds, Hagrid’s heavy footsteps were heard and the door opened, emitting a strong smell of cheese.

“’Morning, Harry, Hermione, Ron,” Hagrid said happily. He was wearing a massive pink apron bearing the legend KISS THE WARLOCK, as well as an enormous pair of flowered oven mitts. He smelled like cheese as well, and Harry suspected there was cheese in his beard. “’Ow’s things?”

“Pretty good,” Harry said, as he and his friends filed into Hagrid’s cheesy-smelling cabin and plopped into chairs around the kitchen table. They cast glances around with wrinkled noses. Nothing looked out of the ordinary, except that the large cauldron hanging in the fireplace was bubbling and frothing. The cheesy smell seemed to be coming from there.

“Er - Hagrid, how’s Grawp?” Hermione asked timidly, having not yet located the source of the odour.

“Wonderful,” Hagrid responded happily, stirring his cauldron with an oar-like wooden spoon. “He’s comin’ along great, learnin’ more and more ever day. Proud of him.” His huge chest puffed up to alarming standards as he went to a cupboard and opened it. He withdrew a gargantuan wheel of cheese, which he stuffed into the cauldron.

Ron was sweating profusely. Harry figured it was because of the heat in the stuffy, cheesy house; or perhaps Ron thought the mixture in the cauldron was intended for them. Harry supposed either was possible.

Hagrid went to another cupboard and pulled out a box. Inside were several dead ferrets.

“Oh, are you feeding Buckbeak?” Harry asked.

“Yep,” Hagrid responded cheerfully. He took the cauldron off the fire, stirred it again, and set it down on the hearth. He seized a pair of fire tongs and used them to grasp a dead ferret, which he immediately dunked into the cauldron. The children turned many interesting colours. Finally, Harry summoned the courage to speak.

“Er.... Hagrid?”

“Yeah?” Hagrid raised the dead ferret out of the cauldron and put it on a plate. It was now covered in what looked like melted cheese.

“What exactly are you doing?” Harry was afraid this was a new recipe to share.

“I tol’ yeh. Feedin’ Buckbeak.” Hagrid dunked a few more ferrets in the cheese and stacked them neatly on top of the first. Then he seized the platter and skipped outside.

“He’s gone mental,” Ron said in disbelief, as they watched Buckbeak chow down. “He’s making fondue for a hippogriff.”

“He must really want Buckbeak to like living with him better than living with Sirius,” Harry said.

Intense Rivals

2009-11-08T22:19:00.001-05:00

Chapter 89 - Intense Rivals

Sirius was glaring.

He was glaring at Trent Reznor.

More accurately, he was glaring at a picture of Trent Reznor which was in the copy of Rolling Stone clutched in his hand. It was a mighty glare, Sirius’ eyes narrowed to slits and a fierce scowl twisting his face into an ugly mask. If he could have, Sirius would have burned holes through the magazine with his eyes. If looks could kill, and if glaring at magazines acted as some sort of voodoo curse, then Trent Reznor would have almost certainly dropped dead wherever he was currently standing.

Tonks had been watching this for several minutes. Finally, she decided to speak up.

“Er... Sirius... you’ve been glaring at that magazine for twenty minutes. What’s wrong?”

“This,” he said brusquely, shoving the magazine in her face.

Tonks pried his fingers off it and moved it far enough away that it didn’t just look like a black blob to her. She drooled. “There’s nothing wrong with Trent Reznor. Nothing at all.”

“What are you, insane?”

“Are you?” she countered. “You like men - how can you not say he’s gorgeous?”

“I like Remus,” he corrected her, his jaw sticking out stubbornly. “That guy’s a - a - goblin!”

“Er - yeah,” Tonks mumbled. “What brought this on, might I ask?”

Sirius scowled harder and swiped his hair out of his eyes. “He’s a jerk, that’s what.”

“You’ve never even met him!”

“So?”

Tonks glanced back down at the photo. She looked back at Sirius. “What makes him a jerk? It can’t be his money, you have plenty of that. It can’t be his fame. You’re just as famous - or infamous - as he is. It can’t be the girls he must get - you don’t like girls. It can’t be his looks - you’ve got those, too. So why the need to call him a jerk?”

Sirius refused to answer. Tonks waited, looking from her cousin to the photo and back. Then, quite suddenly, it hit her. “It’s the beard stubble!” she gasped, leaping to her feet. “That’s it, isn’t it? You’re mad because he’s nearly as stubbly as you, right? I’m right, aren’t I?”

He gritted his teeth. “And if I am?”

Tonks began to laugh. She laughed so hard she had to drop the magazine and hold her stomach. Tears streamed from her eyes, making her glittery purple eyeliner run. “Oh, come on! Sirius, you are just too stupid sometimes!” she choked out, bent nearly double. “Jealous of someone just because they’re as stubbly as you are?! Wait until I tell Remus!”

“No way! Remus will want to see a picture - and dammit, he’ll fall in love with that nerd!”

“I wouldn’t blame him,” Tonks replied saucily. “Trent Reznor’s probably a lot smarter - and a lot less concerned with who’s as stubbly as him - than you are!”

“Shut up,” Sirius grumbled, tossing the magazine into the wastebasket and striding out of the kitchen.

Tonks waited until a door slammed upstairs before taking the magazine out of the garbage. She rolled it up and stuck it in the pocket of her jeans, then skipped out of the kitchen. She opened a door and Trent Reznor stepped out, looking disgruntled.

“What a jerk,” he muttered.  
“Pay him no mind. Now, where shall we go for dinner?...”

Fetch, Oooboo, Fetch

2009-11-08T22:17:00.002-05:00

Chapter 88 - Fetch, Oooboo, Fetch

Remus wasn’t the only one trying to find a job. Bellatrix was searching for a job as well. It had all been Voldemort’s idea.

“All my Death Eaters, you must go out into the Muggle world and get Muggle jobs!” he had announced at the latest Death Eater meeting. “This way, we can infiltrate the Muggles, see how they work, see what makes them tick, and use our superior knowledge to KILL them all!!”

It was a good plan, at least in Bellatrix’s mind. So, she was searching for a job.

While wandering around Wiltshire one day, she happened upon a building with a HELP WANTED sign in the window. She looked up. “Willie’s Driving Range”, the sign read.

Bellatrix went inside. A Scottish man with a flaming-red beard and moustache and a gleaming bald head was sitting behind a desk, punching numbers into a strange machine. A nameplate on his desk read simply: WILLIE.

“Excuse me,” she said.

“Ach! Lassie!” The man’s eye wandered over her. “What can I be helpin’ yeh with?”

“I noticed a HELP WANTED sign in your window,” Bellatrix said.

“Ach! Lassie! Yeh be the answer to m’prayers!” Willie stood up and crossed over to her. He seized her hand and pumped it wildly. He was wearing a red-and-green kilt which exposed his bony, hairy knees to the world. Bellatrix forced a smile.

“When can I start?”

“Right now!” he trumpeted, handing her a pair of tan trousers and a green golf shirt. “Just go in me loo and change!”

She did as she was told. When she emerged, Willie beamed and handed her a bucket. “Come with me, lassie! Ach!”

Bellatrix followed Willie out a back door. She found herself gazing out at a large green field. Huge signs marked white lines painted on the grass, proclaiming how many yards away each line was. Several Muggle men in clothes similar to Bellatrix’s were hitting golf balls across the field.

“Ach, lassie! Yeh job’s to go out there and pick up all the balls!” Willie said, gesturing towards the field. “Think yeh can do it?”

“O-of course,” Bellatrix said, her smile faltering. This hadn't been exactly what she had had in mind when she had decided to look for a job. But this place seemed popular with Muggles, so she started to head out onto the field.

“Wait lassie!” Willie handed her a helmet. “Yeh should wear this! Danger of hittin’ yeh head, there is!”

“Um, okay.” Bellatrix strapped on the helmet. She felt ridiculous. She headed out onto the field.

She saw a ball right away. She picked it up and dropped it in the bucket.

“This is easy,” she said to herself.

She saw another ball and picked it up. This was beginning to feel like an Easter egg hunt, only the eggs had been hidden by a group of mentally challenged trolls. She picked up another ball.

Bellatrix didn’t realise that she was drawing closer and closer to the men with the golf clubs. Suddenly she heard a shout. “There’s the ball kid!”

And suddenly, a barrage of golf balls flew straight towards her!

“Auuuughhhh!” Bellatrix was pelted with ball after ball. She was being hit so often that she couldn’t even pick up the balls after she was hit by them!

“Waargh!” Bellatrix dropped her bucket and fled. The men kept hitting balls at her, until she reached the safety of Willie’s office. She slammed the door behind her and let out a shuddery sigh.

“Ach! Lassie! Ready fer yeh break?”

“I QUIT!” Bellatrix yelled at him. “CRUCIO!!”

Mystery Date

2009-11-08T22:13:00.001-05:00

Chapter 87 - Mystery Date

Tomorrow was Valentine’s Day. Harry had not plucked up the courage to ask Cho to Hogsmeade again, especially after remembering last year’s disastrous Valentine’s visit. But he lamented not having a date, especially since Hermione and Ron were already going together.

“I have an idea,” Hermione suggested. “Muggles watch a show called “The Dating Game”, in which a girl asks questions to three men - Bachelor Number One, Bachelor Number Two, and Bachelor Number Three - sitting behind a curtain. She picks the man she likes best, and then he comes out to surprise her.”

“Okay,” said Harry, “But where will we find anyone willing to go out with me?”

“Leave that to me,” Hermione winked, and wandered off.

Three hours later, she called to him. “I’m finished!”

Harry was impressed. Hermione had successfully reconstructed the set of “The Dating Game”, and was dressed in a glittery tuxedo. She held her wand to her mouth like a microphone as Harry took a seat on the spindly stool standing before the curtain. Hermione handed him a slew of index cards and said, “Okay, Harry! Start asking the questions printed on the card!”

“Er - okay.” Harry squinted down at the cards (having removed his glasses so as to appear more attractive). “Um. Bachelorette Number One, what do you think is - the - er - h-hottest thing I could do to you?”

“You could shut up!” a voice shrieked.

“Um. Okay. Bachelorette Number Two?”

“You could cover me in whipped cream, and lick it off,” a sultry voice suggested.

Harry drooled. “Bachelorette Number Three?”

“You could... I don’t know. You could... er... go out with me. I’d like that,” a misty voice replied.

“Boring,” Harry whispered, then said in normal tones, “Bachelorette Number One, I love the colour green. What’s your favourite colour?”

“Harry Dead Red!” the evil voice screamed.

“That isn’t Voldemort behind there, is it?” Harry asked Hermione anxiously.

“Of course it isn’t. Just get a move on.”

“Okay... Bachelorette Number Two?”

“Mmm,” purred the sultry voice. “I like black. Black silk sheets, black leather... oh, and silver. Shiny manacles and sexy chains...”

Harry pressed a tissue to his nose as it began to bleed. “Bachelorette Number Three?”

“Blue is nice....” the dreamy voice said. “Like the battle costume of the Queen of Snorlak....”

“Er... yeah. Bachelorette Number One, what’s your idea of a perfect date?”

“A trip to the torture chambers!” the voice shrieked.

Harry twitched. “Bachelorette Number Two?”

“Oh... I dunno... I guess I could take you for a ride, if you know what I mean.”

“That sounds good,” Harry drooled. “Bachelorette Number Three?”

“Would you like to tour the office where Daddy prints The Quibbler ?”

“Um... maybe.” Harry looked at Hermione.

“All right, Harry! Which one do you want?”

“Number Two! Number TWO!” he yelled happily.

“All right! But first, we’ll show you who you didn’t pick!” Hermione called out. “Bachelorette Number One, please come out!”

She did. Harry screamed. It was Millicent Bulstrode, who punched him in the arm before walking away.

“Bachelorette Number Three!”

Luna Lovegood emerged from the depths of the curtain. Harry had had a suspicion it was her. She giggled and went to stand beside Hermione. Harry looked eagerly at the curtains, drooling, waiting for the gorgeous, apparently sex-starved girl to emerge.

“And here’s your date!” Hermione announced. “Bachelorette Number Two!” She pulled open the curtain with a flourish. “DRACO MALFOY!”

“Ewww!!” Harry shrieked. It was truly disturbing to be paired with Draco, but even worse to think of Draco practising his S&M fetish on him!

“Icky!!” Draco wailed. “You didn’t tell me I was going after POTTER! I hate you, Granger!!!” He ran off, sobbing.

“Hermione,” Harry said through gritted teeth, “NEVER help me get a date again. EVER!”

Snape's Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM

2009-11-08T22:11:00.001-05:00

Chapter 86 - Snape’s Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM

Potions class was exceptionally boring, as always. Harry and Ron had to keep from falling asleep as they stirred their potion to cure measles. Hermione was at full attention as always, and her potion was perfect - again, as always.

Harry jerked his head up from a particularly long doze to see a strange orange light reflecting on the ceiling. He didn't know what it could be, but figured it was somebody’s potion.

“Bring your samples up to me,” Snape’s harsh voice cut through the haze of drowsiness and multicoloured potion fumes. Harry wearily corked a flask of potion and put it on Snape’s desk. Then he began to clean up, as the others did the same.

The bell rang for lunch. Snape swept out of the classroom, mumbling something under his breath. Harry was prepared to followed Ron and Hermione out of the room when he noticed that the strange orange light was still on the ceiling. He stopped, befuddled, and stared at it.

“Harry? What are you staring at?” Hermione asked.

“Look.” Harry pointed. He looked ‘round. “It’s coming from that cupboard over there.”

“Don’t open it!” Ron cried. “It’s Snape’s, after all! It could be dangerous!”

Too late. Harry had already wrenched open the door.

Inside the cupboard was a large cauldron, filled with a bubbling, frothing liquid. Harry peered at it. It was giving off the eerie orange light.

“What is it?” Ron and Hermione asked, interested despite themselves.

“I don’t know,” Harry frowned. “It looks like... there’s something in here... Ron, hand me that ladle.”

Ron handed Harry a ladle with an extra-long handle, which had been hanging on the wall. Harry dipped it into the potion to fish out whatever was in there.

His first ladle-full revealed several burnt, bubbled, soggy photographs. The trio stared at them.

“Is that me, or is that Professor Lockhart ?” Hermione asked.

Harry dipped the ladle in again. This time, he came up with a charred piece of paper. On it was scrawled, in Snape’s handwriting, “SECRET CRUSHES. 1. Remus Lupin. 2. James Potter. 3. Sirius Black. 4. Gilderoy Lockhart.....”

“Ewwwww,” all three teenagers said in disgust. Harry put the ladle in again. This scoop revealed a handful of small dolls, each with a name inscribed on them!

“Potter... Weasley... Black... Lupin... Granger....” Harry’s eyes widened as he read the names off the dolls. “Oh, God! Snape’s making VOODOO DOLLS of us all!!”

“ARRRGH!” screamed Hermione and Ron.

“ARRRGH!” screamed Harry.

“ARRRGH!” screamed Snape, striding into the room. “My Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM! How dare you! Get out!”

Harry and his friends were all too happy to oblige. They tore out the door and didn’t stop running until they reached the safety of the common room, where they hid under the sofa.

Snape closed the door of the cupboard. “Silly me,” he chuckled. “i have got to be more careful about closing that door properly!”

And with that, he headed off to lunch.

Some Kind of Monster

2009-10-26T22:54:00.001-04:00

Chapter 85 - Some Kind of Monster

Remus Lupin had decided to apply for another job. Not a full-time one, because he had Order business and Sirius to deal with, but a little something to supplement his income (which was nothing). He had long since given up on working for Muggles, since he had no way to explain to them why he disappeared during certain times of the month. But he spent a while scouring the Daily Prophet’s classified ads for jobs in the wizarding community.

There was a job opening for a cashier at a shop on Diagon Alley. Remus wasn’t too sure about it, since it seemed to be one of the dodgy shops quite near to Knockturn Alley, but he figured it was worth a shot. He sent a letter to the owner and soon received an owl in reply, asking him to come for an interview.

On the day in question, Remus dressed carefully in his least patchy clothes, and headed to the shop. Apparently it sold knickknacks and trinkets to the wizarding community; Remus suspected some of the items might not be legitimate, but he did well on the interview. The owner and his assistant, who looked to have some troll blood in them, seemed to be impressed with him. Then they broached the subject of his full moon disappearances.

Remus felt he couldn’t lie, so he admitted it. “I’m a werewolf, actually.”

He expected shock and disgust, but what he received was confusion.

“A werewolf?” the owner asked blankly. “What’s that?”

“I think it’s one of those things that rises from the dead and eats people’s brains,” the assistant said.

“Erm - no,” Remus said. “That’s a zombie.”

“Is it one of those green blokes made out of corpses that kill kids?” the owner said, scratching his head.

“No, sir. That’s a Frankenstein,” Remus said.

“Wait! I know! It’s that thing with teeth that sucks blood!” the assistant said triumphantly.

“No, that’s a vampire,” said Remus, politely incredulous. Had these two wizards never attended a Defense Against the Dark Arts course?

“Are you one of those things all wrapped in bandages?” the owner asked suspiciously.

“No... that’s a mummy,” Remus sighed.

“Is a werewolf one of those children with the creepy eyes and mental powers?” the assistant inquired.

“No! That’s the Children of the Damned!”

“I know! It’s that dinosaur that rises out of the water and stomps on Japan!” the owner cried.

“That’s Godzilla!”

“The dead transparent people who put curses on you!”

“That’s a ghost!”

“Are you the big, stinky, hairy man that wanders around America?” the assistant inquired happily.

“That’s Bigfoot!” Remus was exasperated. “A werewolf is a person who becomes a wolf during the full moon and hunts human prey!”

There was silence for a moment. Then the owner shrugged. “Whatever. Some kind of monster, anyway. Welcome aboard.”

“Sorry, I’ve changed my mind,” Remus muttered, already halfway out the door.

We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used To It

2009-10-26T22:52:00.001-04:00

Chapter 84 - We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used To It

Another Order meeting at Grimmauld Place started off as usual. Bill brought boxes of doughnuts to share, and Sirius provided plenty of wine from his father’s not inconsiderable wine cellar.

There was a shortage of chairs (again), so Sirius had Remus sit on his lap. This never bothered anyone - except Snape of course.

“You do know that’s disgusting and morally wrong?” he sneered that day.

“Uh-huh. I’ve heard all the arguments,” Sirius said dismissively, reaching for a chocolate-frosted doughnut.

“Then why do you insist on doing it?”

“Because I’m a firm believer in true love, no matter what form it’s in,” Sirius argued.

“So if someone was truly in love with - your doughnut, let’s say - you’d believe in it?”

“Of course. I’d have the bloke committed, but I’d let him take his doughnut with him.”

“I think you lads are way off the topic,” said Bill.

“Snivellus started it.”

“You started it with your Public Display of Affection, Black,” Snape retorted. “You sicko.”

“Sicko, eh? Who’s the one secretly sleeping with several generations of male Malfoys?”

“Only two generations, you moron! And that has nothing to do with this!”

“I think it does,” Sirius said. “You’re screwing Lucius and Draco, and yet you get offended when Remmie sits on my lap?”

Snape was beet-red. “Shut up! It’s still disgusting!”

“Hypocrite,” Sirius mumbled.

“So I’d appreciate it if you two would stop cuddling in my presence!” Snape demanded.

“I’m not changing for you, Snivelly! I’ll cuddle Remmie all I want, whenever I want! We’re here, we’re queer, so get used to it!”

“He makes a good point,” Kingsley chuckled.

“And I hear tell gay couples are sexy,” Remus said. “Or so the Patil girls and Miss Brown believe.”

“They’re not wrong,” commented Tonks.

That's A Pretty Big Bug, Part 3

2009-10-26T22:51:00.000-04:00

Chapter 83 - That’s A Pretty Big Bug, Part 3

Draco Malfoy’s big, icky problems had followed him back to Hogwarts.

Being located in the dungeons, the Slytherin common room was infested with several kinds of nasty creepy-crawly creatures, despite the numerous Pest-Control Charms Filch put on every inch of available space. Worst of the lot were a family of millipedes and a clan of strange insects that looked like a cross between a cricket and a spider.

Draco could never rest peacefully. At night, he sometimes imagined a prickly feeling on his legs, and had to scratch madly at his legs, afraid there might be bugs in his pajama trousers. He tossed and turned, afraid that any moment now a cricket-spider would hop onto his bed. Not even Mr. Snugglekins was much of a comfort, though Draco sometimes used the old bear to smash bugs.

It was a well-guarded Slytherin secret that Draco was terrified of bugs. The Slytherins kept his secret not because they were faithful to Draco; they just didn’t want the rest of the school knowing that their fearless leader was in fact a great, blubbering baby.

However, this did not solve the problems of millipedes and cricket-spiders which scared Draco every day.

“Pansy!” he wept one evening, when one such bug was blocking the stairs to the boys’ dorm. “There’s a big, icky bug in my way! Please smush it!”

“Sorry, Draco, but I’m working on my Herbology essay here,” Pansy said. “It’ll go away on its own.”

No it wouldn’t! They never did! Draco turned to Theodore Nott. “Nott, please smush the big, icky bug for me!”

“Sorry, Draco. But these are new shoes. I can’t risk getting them gunked up with bug goo.”

Desperately, Draco turned to the dim-witted trolls he called his best friends. “Crabbe, Goyle, smush the big, icky bug for me!”

“Heheheh, bug,” they laughed stupidly, not quite grasping what was going on.

“I want to go upstairs to my beddy-bye!” Draco wept. “I wish Auntie Bella was here! She’d smash those bugs good!”

“You called?” Bellatrix said, falling from the sky.

“Auntie! Squish the big, icky bug for me!” Draco begged.

“Stand back!” Bellatrix pulled her bug-squishing mallet from nowhere, and brought it down on the bug. SPLOOT. It splattered all over the stairs, and Bellatrix cleaned it up with a wave of her wand.

“Thank you, Auntie!” Draco cried happily. “I love you!” He smothered his auntie with kisses.

“Anything for my neffy-poo,” Bellatrix cooed. “Now off to bed, your mother will be angry if I let you stay up!”

“Goodnight, Auntie!” Draco bounded up the stairs.

“Give Mr. Snugglekins a kiss for me!” Bellatrix called, before strolling out of the castle.

Draco planted a smooch on his teddy bear. “That was from Auntie Bella,” he said.

“Good. She’s hot,” Mr. Snugglekins answered.

St. Anger

2009-10-26T22:50:00.000-04:00

Chapter 82 - St. Anger

Hermione and Ron had, for a while, enjoyed the luxury of silence.

They all-too-vividly remembered last year, when Harry’s incessant rants and temper tantrums had been a part (a rather noisy part) of everyday life. Every day it had been something - Anti-Umbridge rants, complaints about his scar prickling, rants about Voldemort, wondering loudly if Sirius was going to do something stupid.

His best friends had found that the best defense was to smile politely, nod every now and then, and try not to fall asleep.

Hermione had come to the conclusion that Harry was indeed a very angry young man. Ron held the position that Harry was just “one sandwich short of a picnic”, which was pretty much the same thing, so they treated their friend with the sort of caution and respect one might reserve for a mad dog.

But just lately, Harry’s temper tantrums had resumed. There was no feasible explanation; unless it was the fact that Snape had been doing more and more disturbing things lately. That would drive anyone to insanity, Ron reflected. At the moment, he and Hermione were listening to Harry’s latest rant.

Harry had a way of complaining that was eerily reminiscent of Hannah Abbot’s drama queen acts. He would gesture wildly, sometimes hitting a passing first year in the head by accident, his voice getting louder and louder. Today’s topic was Rita Skeeter. Her bad article on Sirius all the way back in Chapter 64 had finally roused his not inconsiderable rage.

“She’s nothing but a stupid cow, how DARE she write that about Sirius, he is NOT a drunk and he is NOT a child-beater, he is a perfectly civil person most of the time...” Harry snapped his quill in half. Hermione and Ron moved theirs out of his reach. “She’s such a bitch, I can’t stand her... If only she’d die... throw her to some Blast-Ended Skrewts or Avada Kedavra her a thousand times over, anything....”

He was reaching the levels of fury that had normally been reserved for Dolores Umbridge. It was rather frightening.

“I can’t STAND HER!” Harry repeated furiously. “How would SHE like it if someone printed BLATANT LIES ABOUT HER?!”

Hermione was impressed that Harry even knew a word like ‘blatant’, but she still feared for her safety.

“I HATE RITA SKEETER!!” Harry bellowed, to the surprise of the entire common room. “I AM NOT HERMIONE’S BOYFRIEND, I DO NOT CRY OVER MY PARENTS’ DEATHS, AND MY GODFATHER IS NOT A CHILD-BEATING, BAR-CRUISING DRUNK!!”

“Harry, calm down, mate,” Ron said in alarm.

“BITE ME, WEASLEY!!” Harry shrieked, throwing an inkwell at Ron and missing by miles. “WHO ASKED YOUR OPINION?!”

Hermione forced a smile at some cowering first and second years behind her. “He’ll burn himself out in time,” she tried to reassure them.

“THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK, MISSY!” Harry screeched. “TALK ABOUT ANNOYING, YOU SUPER-SMART, BOOK-READING, RON-SHAGGING -”

Suddenly his face went quite blank; he stopped screaming, keeled over, and lay still upon the floor. Hermione smiled and said, “Ron?”

Ron got up and slung Harry over his shoulder, carrying him up the stairs to their dorm. Steam was slowly trickling from Harry’s ears.

“He burns himself out in time,” Hermione repeated, heading off to her own dorm.

Worst Episode Ever

2009-10-26T22:48:00.000-04:00

Chapter 81 - Worst Episode Ever

Harry walked into the room.

He tripped over a shoe.

“Ow,” he complained.

“Ha-ha,” Draco laughed.

Ron threw the other shoe at Draco.

Hermione ignored everyone and read ‘Hogwarts, a History’.

Sirius shrugged, grabbed Remus, and pulled him off for a shag.

Harry got up, and promptly tripped again.

Cornelius Fudge was eaten by the Toaster of Doom, and joined Dolores Umbridge in Hell.

Ron and Draco got into a fight. Everyone gathered ‘round to watch.

Except Harry.

He was still on the floor.

Snape deducted a million points from Gryffindor, but since everyone was watching Draco and Ron’s fight, no one noticed.

Crabbe and Goyle shared a bag of cheese-and-onion crisps and threw the broken ones at Harry.

Professor Trelawney predicted Harry’s death as a result of the fight.

No one cared, except Parvati and Lavender.

“I love you, Draco,” said Mr. Snugglekins, Draco’s teddy bear.

“I love you too, Mr. Snugglekins,” Draco replied, hugging the bear.

Hagrid and Fang put a flaming paper bag of dog poo at the entrance of the Forbidden Forest for the centaurs to find.

Snape deducted a hundred points from Ravenclaw because no one watched his striptease at the karoke contest.

Sirius and Remus finished having sex, and decided to do it again.

Somewhere in Surrey, Vernon Dursley tripped over a shoe.

“Ha-ha,” laughed Dudley.

The talking rock burbled underneath the lake.

And somewhere, somewhere, one very frustrated author sat banging her head against the keyboard for ideas.

Karoke Contest

2009-10-20T20:31:00.001-04:00

Chapter 80 - Karoke Contest

To perk the students up during the dreary winter months, especially as a freezing January merged into a sub-zero February, the Hogwarts staff decided to hold a karoke contest in the Great Hall. A huge sign-up sheet was tacked next to the hourglasses counting House points, and students were encouraged to sign up. Staff members as well signed a secret sign-up sheet in the staff office.

“Are you going to compete, Harry?” Ron asked one morning. Harry nearly choked on his bacon.

“What, me? No way! I can’t sing to save my life.”

“I thought that’s what karoke was all about.”

“Yeah, but still...” Harry squirmed to imagine the whole school, including Cho, hearing him sing. The very idea was atrocious. He shook his head firmly and concentrated on his food.

“I wonder who will be competing,” Hermione said. “This could turn out to be quite interesting.”

Ginny bounced over and grabbed a muffin. “Guess what! I’m in the karoke contest!”

“Cool!” Harry said, while Ron gagged. “What are you going to be singing?”

“Well, I was hoping to do a piece with three other people... Luna and Susan already volunteered to do it. Hermione, will you help, too?”

“Sure,” Hermione said, smiling. “What are we going to be singing?”

“’Lady Marmalade’,” Ginny said promptly.

Hermione’s smile faltered; but she had already promised to participate. She cleared her throat and managed, “Er... lovely.”

Harry and Ron stifled giggles.

When the night of the karoke contest arrived, the majority of Hogwarts shuffled into the Great Hall to find that the House tables had been replaced by hundreds of folding chairs. The staff table was standing against one wall, with Madame Hooch, Madame Pomfrey, Filch, Professor Trelawney, and Professor Smythe acting as judges. A makeshift stage had been erected in the place where the staff table usually stood, with curtains on either side of it to provide a kind of dressing room for the students who would be preforming. Harry and Ron took seats in the middle row, comfortably close to the stage.

At last, everyone was seated. Dumbledore, who was acting as the emcee, ascended the stage and spoke into his wand as if it were a microphone. “Our first performers are Miss Ginny Weasley, Miss Hermione Granger, Miss Luna Lovegood, and Miss Susan Bones, with their rendition of “Lady Marmalade”. Enjoy!”

Music blared from nowhere, making everyone jump. The four girls danced out on stage, clad in skimpy lingerie and top hats. Harry blanched; Ron drooled as he stared at Hermione’s fishnet-clad legs. Catcalls and hoots resounded throughout the hall, so that the song could barely be heard. At least if the girls sucked at singing, no one could tell, Harry thought to himself.

“Wonderful!” Dumbledore said, applauding. “Our next act is Draco Malfoy, singing ‘Hallelujah’!”

“Eh?” Harry and Ron sweatdropped as Draco meandered up on stage, lugging a guitar and dressed like some hokey Nashville country star. He began to play, and wailed: “I've heard there was a secret chord... That David played, and it pleased the Lord.... But you don't really care for music, do you?...”

His singing was awful; people’s teeth were set on edge, and the occasional twang! of a breaking guitar string only made the song sound worse. Draco continued to warble, unaware that half the audience was now bleeding profusely from their ears; finally Dumbledore had had enough.

“SILENCIO!” Draco fell mercifully silent; he burst into unheard tears and ran off the stage. Harry and Ron giggled like the meanies they were.

The karoke contest lasted for several hours. Cho sang “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls (her performance stored carefully away in Harry’s mind for future wanking material); Ernie Macmillan delivered a stirring rendition of “Stacey’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne; Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore did a lovely duet of the “Beauty and the Beast” song; Justin Finch-Fletchley scarred everyone for life by singing “The Ballad of Maxwell Demon” while wearing nothing but pink satin pants and bright silver lipstick; Professor Flitwick sang the “Lollipop Guild” song from “The Wizard of Oz”. Finally, the last act was up.

“This is a surprise act,” Dumbledore announced. “The person who volunteered did so at the last minute, and wished to keep their identity a secret until this moment. So, our Mystery Guest will now sing their rendition of ‘I’m Too Sexy’!”

The curtain rose as upbeat music began playing. Harry and Ron were horrified to see Snape standing on stage, wearing a pink tank top and red leather hot pants!

“I’m too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love... Love’s going to leave me... I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt....” At this point, Snape slipped out of his tank top and threw it into the audience. Harry shrieked like a woman as it landed in his lap.

Snape continued to sing.”So sexy it hurts.... and I’m too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan... New York and Japan.... ” He began undoing his belt.

“AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!” Chaos erupted as the entire Great Hall rang with terrified screams, and the students started running out doors and jumping out of windows to get away from the horror.

“Boost student morale, my ARSE!!” Dumbledore was heard to yell, as he fled in the direction of the Quidditch pitch.

When We Was Fab

2009-10-20T20:30:00.000-04:00

Chapter 79 - When We Was Fab

It was time for Potions. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the other Gryffindors shuffled into Snape’s dungeon with a certain feel of dread. After all, it was Potions.

They received quite a nasty shock when they entered. Snape was sitting on his desk, wearing bellbottomed jeans, a tye-dyed t-shirt, several strings of love beads, a peace medallion, and a pair of rose-tinted sunglasses.

The whole class entered one by one and gawked at Snape as they sat down.

“Um... is this like a 60’s acid flashback, or has he gone nuts?” Harry whispered.

“I have no idea,” Hermione whispered back.

Once the class had gathered, Snape rose and closed the door. The cuffs of his jeans were so ridiculously huge that they entirely hid his feet. Harry would have giggled, had he not been so weirded out.

Finally, Draco Malfoy summoned the courage to speak. “Um... Professor.... why are you dressed like that?”

“Draco, man, it’s like... it’s like, for an anniversary,” Snape said, in a misty tone that sounded quite unlike his usual nasty, venomous self.

“Ann- anniversary?” Draco stammered, still not able to absorb his favourite teacher’s changes.

“It’s, like, the anniversary of the day I accepted the truths of peace and love,” Snape said breezily, sitting down on his desk.

Harry didn’t believe Snape had ever grasped the concepts of truth and love, but he summoned the bravery to speak anyway. “Erm - Professor - when - well... when did you... grasp this?”

“It was in the 70’s,” Snape said dreamily. “It was all about free love and protesting the war in Vietnam, man. It was all about... you know, livin’ and breathin’ and not being hassled by the man.”

“The... man?” Ron said blankly.

Snape nodded vigorously. “Yeah. You know, the man. Society, authority, that kind of stuff.”

“Oh,” Ron said faintly.

“Back when we were fab,” Snape said happily. “Flowers in your hair, listenin’ to the Beatles... making love in the grass... good times. The 70’s never should have ended, man.”

Harry twitched. He didn’t want to think of Snape making love anywhere at anytime, much less in the grass during the 70’s.

“I tell you, it was me and my friends, hangin’ out.” Snape smiled. “Lucius... Crabbe... Goyle... Bella.... truly awesome. Bella was great in the sack... wild, she was... most people couldn’t keep up with her...”

Harry twitched even more violently.

“Then there were Lupin and Black... they were gods in those tight jeans, I swear. They got me hot as anything, watching them kiss. And Potter too... I would’ve... oh man, I would’ve done anything with them....”

Harry screamed, and fainted.

Scrabble

2009-10-20T20:26:00.000-04:00

Chapter 78 - Scrabble

It was a boring day at Grimmauld Place. To keep themselves entertained, Sirius, Remus, Bill, and Tonks were playing Scrabble.

Remus placed a few tiles down on the board. Antique. “Double word score. Plus, I used all my letters, so six points for that.”

Bill tallied up the points as Remus took more letters from the box. Tonks stared down at the letters she had, her tongue in the corner of her mouth.

“Um... let’s see.” She joined some tiles to the beginning of Remus’ word. “Argon. It’s an element.”

“Very good,” Remus complimented her, as Bill added up her points.

Sirius yawned as he watched the goings-on. He had never liked Scrabble. Though it was one of Remus’ infatuations, Sirius just couldn’t get into it. As far as he was concerned, it was the most boring game Muggles had ever invented, besides Monopoly. He favoured exciting games like Mousetrap, Operation, and Candy Land. His eyelids drooped as he stared at the board. He wondered dully who had invented Scrabble in the first place. It was a game for geniuses. It must have been those people who invented Trivial Pursuit. That was another game Sirius hated.

His eyelids drooped further, and he rested his chin on his arms, staring at the board as Bill contemplated his move. His eyes closed and he fell asleep.

Bill reached over and dropped his tiles on the board, joining them with Tonks’. “ Nifty. Double Word score.”

“Your turn, Siri,” Remus said, prodding his dozing lover. Sirius snorted, blinked, and gazed down at his letters. He had a C, a U, a K, two F’s, a G, and an O. He blinked at them, still half-asleep. He still hated Scrabble. It was time to admit his displeasure. He chose six letters and dropped them down, joining them to Bill’s F.

Remus craned his neck to read them. “F... U...C...K...O...F...F.... Fuc- oh, my! SIRIUS!”

“I hate this game,” Sirius said simply.

“He makes his point quite eloquently,” Tonks muttered, as Remus whacked Sirius upside the head.

“And he got Triple Word Score with that,” Bill said miserably.

Go Fish!

2009-10-20T20:24:00.000-04:00

Chapter 77 - Go Fish!

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting by a window, trying to amuse themselves during break. Hermione had a pack of cards in her bag (normally used for playing solitaire during slow times), and she and Harry decided to teach Ron how to play Go Fish.

“The rules are really simple, Ron,” Harry assured his best mate. “The idea is to try and match up the cards you’re holding. You can ask me or Hermione if I have any of the cards you need. If not, you have to pick from the pile. After all the cards are gone, we count who has the most matches, and that person’s the winner.”

“Okay,” Ron said, confident that this was at least one Muggle thing he could understand. “Let’s play.”

Hermione dealt the cards, and the game began.

“Hermione, do you have any threes?” Harry asked.

“Sure,” Hermione said, handing the Three of Diamonds to Harry, who matched it with his Three of Clubs and set them by his side. Hermione turned to Ron.

“Ron, do you have any fives?”

“Yeah,” Ron said, handing over his Five of Hearts. Hermione paired it with her Five of Spades and placed them in her lap.

Ron glanced down at the seven cards in his hand and contemplated what to ask. “Um. Harry, do you have any aces?”

“No, sorry,” Harry said. “Go Fish.”

Ron stared at him. Then he sighed, opened the window, and pointed his wand at the lake. “Accio fish!”

A squirming fish flew out of the lake and into Ron’s outstretched hand.

“Um... Ron... that’s not exactly what I meant....” Harry sweatdropped.

“Oh, okay.” Ron levitated the fish back into the lake. “Accio giant squid!”

“AAAAUGHH!” Hermione and Harry fell over backwards as the giant squid rose out of the lake and zoomed towards the castle....

Human Piece of Toast

2009-10-20T20:23:00.000-04:00

Chapter 76 - Human Piece of Toast

“Ow.”

Everyone at the Gryffindor table was inclined to feel slightly sympathetic towards Seamus, who had returned from his Christmas holidays with a spectacular sunburn. Though it was now late in January, Seamus was still the colour of a broiled lobster.

“Ow. Ow.” Seamus’ burn was beginning to peel, and every time he tried to scratch it, it hurt.

“Where did you go again, Seamus?” Ginny asked, staring at her friend’s violently orange arm.

“Portugal,” Seamus replied, trying to scratch his neck. “Ow. Ow!”

“Didn’t you think to bring any suntan lotion?” Harry inquired.

Seamus stared blankly at him. “Suntan... lotion?”

Harry stared back. “Yeah, you know... the stuff Muggles put on their skin to keep from getting burned?”

“Ohh... no. Me mam doesn’t believe in it. She prefers Sun-Deflecting Charms.”

“She needs a new strategy,” Harry muttered.

“So, are your parents as burned as you are?” Dean wanted to know.

“No.” Seamus scratched his nose. “Ow.”

“Oh. So I guess they didn’t spend as much time in the sun as you did, huh?”

Seamus blinked. “Who said anything about being in the sun?” he asked. “I accidentally got locked in one of the Muggle tanning beds.”

“Ow,” everyone replied, wincing.

Hermione made a face. “Those tanning beds are so dangerous. Even with charms or lotion, it’s still not a good idea. It can cause cancer...”

As Hermione rambled on, Ron raised an eyebrow at Seamus. “What is a tanning bed? A sort of oversized toaster?”

“I suppose you could say that. And I’m the toast.”

“Now I get it!” said Ron triumphantly.

Remus' Fan Club

2009-10-19T15:22:00.000-04:00

Chapter 75 - Remus’ Fan Club

Remus sat at the table, calmly eating his porridge.

Well, it seemed like he was calm. But inside, he was seething with anger and jealousy.

Why, why, was everyone as strongly attracted to Sirius as he was? It just wasn’t fair. Remus loved Sirius and hated for other people to look at him. And yet, he was jealous of Sirius. Why didn’t anyone ever fall in love with him?

Well, Sirius had fallen in love with him, and still loved him. But Remus couldn’t pretend he wouldn’t mind some attention from others every once in awhile. Unfortunately, his lycanthropy turned most people off.

Sirius wandered into the room, fresh out of bed. It was eleven-thirty. “G’morning, love,” he yawned.

“Have you been sleeping late?” Remus demanded.

“Of course not, darling,” Sirius lied, pulling his hair over his face to hide the sleep creases.

Remus rolled his eyes as he got up to put his bowl in the sink. As he passed his lover, Sirius grabbed him by the waist and pulled him close. “I love you,” he said, kissing Remus’ forehead.

“I love you too,” Remus said, bemused. Sirius was never this affectionate or romantic in the mornings. He was either asleep or randy.

Tonks bounced in. “Wotcher, lads!” She sidled up to them and touched Remus’ sleeve. “Good morning, Remus. You’re looking so cute today!”

“Er - thanks?” Remus ducked as Sirius made to hit Tonks.

“Step away from the werewolf!”

“Aww, but he’s so cute,” she protested.

“Stop arguing,” Mrs. Weasley had entered the kitchen. “Remus is attractive, but he wouldn’t want you, Tonks. A motherly woman is more for him.” She smiled sweetly at Remus. Sirius ground his teeth.

“Molly, I’m warning you -!”

“Shut up, Black,” snapped Snape, sweeping through the door clutching a small cauldron. “Your Wolfsbane potion, Mr. Sexy,” he purred, sidling up to Remus, who began to sweat as he backed away.

“Get out of here, Snivellus!” Sirius roared, hurling a saucepan at Snape’s head and missing by inches.

“I could sell you a black-market sex toy, Lupin,” Mundungus contributed. “Like... me, perhaps!”

“Dung... d’you have a death wish?!” Sirius yelled, flinging a mayonnaise jar at Mundungus’ head.

“Siri, calm down,” Remus said, alarmed.

“Oh, Remus,” said Bill, appearing out of nowhere, “You’re looking awfully hot today. Can I help you remove some of those clothes?”

“ARRRGH!” Sirius hurled a handful of silverware at Remus’ admirers, scattering them. He tightened his grip around Remus’ waist and glared at his opponents. “Remus is MINE, and I’ll prove it, even if I have to take him right here, in front of you all!”

“Please do!” cried Tonks.

“AAARGH!” Remus woke up with a scream. Sirius stirred beside him and mumbled sleepily, “Wha’s it, love?”

“I think Ron’s toadstool dreams are contagious,” Remus gasped.

Harry's Profit Margin

2009-10-19T15:21:00.002-04:00

Chapter 74 - Harry’s Profit Margin

One cold morning, Hermione and Ron emerged from their dormitories to find Harry sitting at a table in the common room, reading a long scroll of parchment.

“Hi, Harry. What’s wrong?” Hermione said, noticing the troubled look on Harry’s face.

“Sales of the Deluxe Honeydukes’ Harry Doll are down,” Harry mumbled.

Hermione and Ron exchanged looks. Perhaps all this attention had driven Harry insane, or they had misheard him. “What did you say?”

“Look!” Harry stretched the parchment across the table for them to view. “The Transforming Professor Lupin Action Figure has been selling quite well, and so has the Transforming Sirius Black Action Figure! But Dementor Fun Playset Harry isn’t moving!”

“What is this?” Ron asked.

“My profit margin!” Harry raved. “All the income from my books, my movies, my merchandise!”

“Why are you so concerned?” Hermione asked. “I thought you hated being famous.”

“No one likes to know their action figure places second to Snape’s,” Harry grumbled.

“Look at this!” Hermione’s eyes were gleaming. “The Hermione Honeydukes doll is a top seller among female fans!”

“And look! The Ron Weasley Burrow Playset is rated in the top ten for ages six to eleven!” Ron added.

“Hagrid Beach Towel sales are up seven hundred percent!”

“Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavour Beans are a hit with the Muggles!”

“Dumbledore’s Office Playset and the Potions Class Slime Maker are quite pouplar within the three-to-twelve age set,” Hermione observed. “But the Harry Potter Toothpaste Kit and the Harry Potter Golf Club Covers aren’t selling!”

Harry ground his teeth.” Don’t you see? I’m the famous one, and yet no one buys my stuff!”

“Hey, you’re right.” Ron glanced down at the end of one of the columns. “Quidditch Fun Harry has only sold three items, ever.”

“And your Halloween costumes are doing abysmally,” Hermione said sadly.

“Quidditch Fun Draco Malfoy outsold you, Harry!” Ron gasped.

Harry seized the parchment away and stuffed it in his bag. “Stupid thing. I wouldn’t even care, if it weren’t for the fact my entire income comes from those stupid toys!”

“It figures,” Hermione and Ron said together, standing up. Their pockets were bulging with Galleons, the profits from the sales of their own action figures.

“Stupid profit margin,” Harry muttered.

Homework

2009-10-19T15:21:00.001-04:00

Chapter 73 - Homework

It was a typical day in the Hufflepuff common room.

Meaning, Hannah Abbot was having another one of her drama queen rants. Justin, Ernie, and Susan were determinedly ignoring her, trying to keep their minds on their Herbology essays. But Hannah’s shrill voice soon penetrated their eardrums, making them wince and look up.

“Why is it even called homework?” she demanded of them. “We don’t even do it at home! We do it at SCHOOL!”

“Well, as we live here ten months out of twelve, one can only assume Hogwarts is partially our home, darling,” Susan said simply, turning back to her essay.

“That’s besides the point!” Hannah cried. “Why do they need to force so much work on us? We’re only children!”

“We’re sixteen years old,” Ernie said, dipping his quill in his ink. “I hardly think we qualify as children any longer, Hannah.”

Hannah spluttered, trying to think of a comeback. “Doesn’t it concern you that we could be... doing... anything else besides this?”

“Like what?” Justin inquired. “Painting our toenails and gossiping about boys, perchance?”

“Actually, yes,” Hannah said. “That sounds like fun !”

“Yeah, it does,” Justin admitted.

Ernie twitched and moved his chair slightly away from Justin’s. “That’s not the point,” he said sternly, adopting the prefect manner he had had long before he ever became a prefect. “Painting our toenails won’t help us get a job after school.”

“We’ll see about that,” Hannah mumbled. “Susan and Justin and I can open our own pedicure shop.”

“Sounds fun!” Susan said.

“”Let’s start now!” cried Justin.

The three bolted, leaving behind a scatter of parchment. Ernie sighed, and continued on with his Herbology essay. He finally finished two hours later, rolling it up carefully and placing it in his bag. Then he cleaned up the table his friends had left such a mess.

“I believe I’m in the mood for a pedicure now,” he said to no one in particular. “And want to see what Justin thinks of that cute little Colin Creevey.”

Toes wiggling in anticipation, he skipped off to find his friends.

Crookshanks The Prince, Part 2

2009-10-19T15:19:00.001-04:00

Chapter 72 - Crookshanks The Prince, Part Two

Though Ron hated Crookshanks as he was now, the entire female population (and some of the male population) of Hogwarts, Hermione included, was head-over-heels for him.

“He’s so gorgeous!” Parvati Patil sighed one morning, as she and Lavender passed Ron by without a glance, making him feel like a slug.

“It’s so not fair that Hermione gets all the hot guys,” Lavender pouted. “First she’s hanging around with Viktor Krum, and then Sirius Black... and now Crookshanks...”

“Crookshanks is her cat!” Ron burst out furiously.

The two girls gave him withering glances. “Maybe he was, “ Parvati replied scathingly, “But now he’s a really hot prince. Come on, Lavender, let’s go see him! He must be at breakfast with Hermione by now!”

Ron followed slowly as the girls leaped out of the portrait hole and tore down to breakfast. Halfway down he encountered Harry, who was walking just as slowly and looking just as gloomy.

“What’s up, mate?” Ron mumbled.

“Cho fancies Crookshanks now,” Harry moaned. Both boys felt hugely dejected.

“Dejector, rejector, infector, detector!” sang James Hetfield, holding an impromptu “Dirty Window” jam in the middle of the corridor.

Miserably, Harry and Ron ignored the singing and entered the Great Hall. Already a huge mob of students was clustered around the Gryffindor table. Ron and Harry squeezed through to take seats across from Hermione, who was being waited on by the cheerfully smiling Crookshanks.

“More juice, my lady?” he was asking, holding a pitcher of pumpkin juice aloft. Hermione nodded, and Crookshanks poured it for her, his gingery hair shining in the sunlight pouring through the windows, his skin looking as white and delicious as cream. He was so beautiful that even the mundane task of pouring juice seemed somehow holy when he did it.

Ron scowled. Quite the audience had collected to gawk at Crookshanks. Among them were Parvati, Lavender, Hannah, Susan, Cho, Luna, Ginny, Pansy, Millicent Bulstrode, Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Draco Malfoy, and, for some reason, Sirius, Remus, and Dumbledore. All were gazing at the cat-turned-prince with sappy smiles on their faces.

“Oh, Hermione, you’re so lucky!” Ginny sighed.

“I would kill to have someone like that,” Cho gushed. Harry gripped his goblet so hard his knuckles were white.

“Miss Granger, could we trouble you to borrow your friend?” Professor Sprout and Professor McGonagall said in unison.

“I’ll give Gryffindor five thousand points if you let me have him for fifteen minutes!” Dumbledore offered.

“Hermione, may I please , please have hot, kinky, gay sex with your cat?” Sirius begged.

“Please, please,” Crookshanks laughed. “I belong to Miss Hermione only! While I’m flattered... I love only her....” To prove his point, he kissed Hermione on the lips.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” screamed Ron. He woke up and tumbled out of bed with a crash.

The lamp beside the next bed clicked on and Harry blinked down at his best mate, who was now sprawled on the floor in a tangle of bedclothes. “I guess the toadstool dreams haven’t stopped yet, huh?”

“Please kill me,” Ron whimpered.

Voodoo Lady

2009-10-19T15:18:00.000-04:00

Chapter 71 - Voodoo Lady

It was a normal day at the Malfoy household. Lucius was moping because Draco had returned to school, and he had no one to sit in his lap and cuddle with. Narcissa still hadn’t recovered from discovering that Lucius had a new lover, and was still wondering who on Earth it could possibly be. Rodolphus was dozing in his broom cupboard. Rabastan was munching on Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavour Beans while he watched television. And Bellatrix was... Bellatrix was where?

She was in her bedroom, sitting at the sewing machine. Normally, she hated sewing, but this was a task better done on her own.

“Ow!” She cursed as she pricked herself for the hundredth time. Wiping the blood off on her hanky, she applied another Band-Aid.

She bent down busily, her mind on her work instead of her stinging fingers. She was busy making a small doll. It was dressed in a scrap of grey cloth, and had painted-on eyes.

“There.” The sewing was finished. Now for the final touch. She opened her drawer and pulled out an envelope. Inside the envelope were a bunch of clippings of black hair. Smiling, Bellatrix glued these to the doll’s head, giving it a long, scraggly mane.

“AHA!” She was done! It was a perfect doll of her cousin, Sirius.

“Now, I’ll make you pay,” she said, seizing a handful of pins.

STAB.

Meanwhile, at Grimmauld Place, Sirius was sitting between Remus and Bill. He was sniggering at the cartoons in the Quibbler. The rest of the Order was there as well, taking advantage of the children’s absence by having a huge, important meeting. Once Dumbledore and Hagrid arrived, it would be time to start.

Snape was sitting across from Sirius. Suddenly he screamed, and toppled out of his chair.

There was a pause. Then McGonagall spoke up. “Er... Severus?”

“I’m fine. I - AAARGHH!” Snape rolled over, clutching at his stomach. “OW!!!”

“What are you up to now, Snivelly?” Sirius demanded.

“It’s not -aaaaarrrrghhh!” Snape grabbed his head. “It’s like - PINS - ARE - STABBING -ME -”

Bellatrix was still merrily stabbing her voodoo doll, convinced that she was hurting Sirius. “Just you wait!” she sang, thrusting another pin into the doll’s crotch.

“ARRRRGHHHH!” Snape was in intense pain. The rest of the Order were in an uproar, trying to determine what was going on.

“It’s voodoo!” Kingsley cried.

“It’s a ghostly curse!” Tonks wailed.

“It’s the Dark Lord’s doing!” Moody roared. “I told you to have CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”

Dumbledore appeared, took stock of what was going on, and tapped Snape firmly with his wand. “Finite Incantatum!”

Bellatrix’s doll burst into flames and crumbled into ash. The voodoo curse was lifted.

“Not fair!” Bellatrix burst into tears. She had just retrieved her spider-smashing mallet from under the bed.

The hair clippings she had taken from Grimmauld Place’s dustbins had been Snape’s. He had hired Kreacher to trim his hair.

“I’ll never cut my hair again, ever!” Snape wailed.

“You’ll look like Sirius,” Bill said.

“EWWW!” Snape cried, and burst into tears.

Hagrid's Tiki Hut

2009-10-18T21:56:00.000-04:00

Chapter 70 - Hagrid’s Tiki Hut

Once the Hogwarts Express had arrived at Hogsmeade, and Harry and his friends had been safely extracted (utilizing a crowbar), the students got in the thestral-drawn carriages for the ride up to the school. Harry noticed a commotion at Hagrid’s hut the moment his carriage turned into the drive.

Curious, Harry hurried down to Hagrid’s as soon as the carriage stopped. Hagrid’s whole house was surrounded by citronella-burning tiki torches, and an enormous fire was burning in a pit. Over it was a spit with a slowly rotating pig skewered on it. The four House tables and the staff table were sitting on the lawn, surrounded by torches.

“Harry! Good ter see yeh, mate, good ter see yeh!” Hagrid bounded over. Harry stared. Despite the fact it was January, Hagrid was dressed only in sandals and a grass skirt. A lei of bright flowers hung around his neck. But then again, between all the tiki torches and the pig roast, it was nearly as warm as Hawaii outside the castle.

Hagrid draped a lei around Harry’s neck, and put some on Ron, Hermione and Ginny, who had wandered over and were looking dumbfounded. Harry blinked rapidly. In fact, the whole school was heading this way, and they were all wearing leis.

“Welcome! It’s our special Hogwarts Luau!” Dumbledore stood. He was wearing a grass skirt and a loud Hawaiian shirt, plus several bright leis. His long silver hair was decorated by pair of flowery barrettes. (Sirius had been right about hairclips being IN this season.) The sight was disturbing. “Dig in!”

As everyone took their seats, dumbfounded and confused, food appeared on the tables. There was poi and roast pig; coconut milk and pineapples; Jell-O on pineapple rings; bananas, breadfruit, and lots of other exotic things Harry couldn’t identify.

He looked up at the staff table. The teachers were dressed in fashion similar to Hagrid and Dumbledore. Even Snape was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! Harry blinked rapidly to be sure his eyes weren’t just playing tricks on him. No, Snape really was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!

The teachers were downing pina coladas and maguritas. Hagrid was cutting up the roast pig and distributing it to the students who had queued up in front of him for a slice.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged glances.

“Well. I guess we can have some fun,” Harry shrugged.

With that, he put on a giant straw hat. Ron Transfigured his robes into a Hawaiian shirt and baggy shorts, and Hermione turned hers into a flowery bikini and sarong.

“Time for pig,” Harry grinned, and they seized their plates and ran to join the queue.

How NOT To Be Seen

2009-10-18T21:55:00.001-04:00

Chapter 69 - How NOT To Be Seen

The children were on the Hogwarts Express, on their way back to Hogwarts for the second term. They were bored. So Harry had rounded up Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Luna, Ernie Macmillan, Hannah Abbot, Justin Finch-Fletchly, Susan Bones, and Cho to play “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”.

It was a nice idea, but there were so many kids squished into the compartment that they couldn’t move.

“So, what are we supposed to be doing?” Ernie asked from somewhere in the luggage rack.

“We’re playing ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’,” Harry explained patiently. “It’s a funny Muggle show.”

“I’ve never watched Muggle Telefission,” Susan said in a worried voice.

“You don’t have to.”

“Harry! I’m squished!” Ginny yelled from the floor, where she was unseen amongst the tangle of limbs and robes.

“Me too!” Justin called.

“Shh! I’m trying to explain the rules!” Harry was quite bossy when in charge. “We’re going to start the first part of the game, and it’s called “How NOT To Be Seen”.”

“That’s easy!” Hermione said. Her voice was slightly muffled because her face was squished against the wall. “You can use an Invisibility Cloak, or a Disillusionment Charm, or an Invisibility Charm.... Chameleon Ghouls can turn into ordinary things around them, or blend into walls, in order to sneak around....”

“No, no!” Harry protested.

“Wait, I saw that episode!” Dean interrupted. “The people would hide, then when the announcer called them and they stood up, they’d get shot, so they stopped standing up, and the announcer just blew them up instead!”

“That’s not fun!” yelped Parvati. Luna’s unmistakable giggle sounded from behind Ron.

“Has anyone figured out that “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” is a dumb name?” Hannah said, working her way into another patented Abbot Drama Queen Bit. “Who ever heard of a Flying Circus? How is anyone supposed to go and see it if it’s flying?”

“Hey, you’re right,” Seamus said from on top of the lamp.

“I need to go to the bathroom, but I don’t know where I am,” said Ron.

“Has anyone seen my Mimbulus mimbletonia ?” Neville asked in a worried tone. “Or Trevor?”

“I hate to say this, Neville, but I just stepped in something squishy,” Cho said in a sad voice. “But I’m not sure if it’s a toad or a Mimbulus mimbletonia.”

“It’s neither,” Lavender said. “It was my cheese sandwich. That’s okay. Cheese is bad for my beautiful arteries.”

“I can’t breathe,” said Dean.

“I think I know how not to be seen, Harry,” said Ginny. “Just hide in here with us. I can’t see anyone.”

“Me too,” Harry agreed. “Let’s spread out.”

There was a pause. Then:

“Harry? I think we’re stuck.”

Hairclips Are IN This Season!

2009-10-18T21:54:00.001-04:00

Chapter 68 - Hairclips Are IN This Season!

Breakfast time at Grimmauld Place. Harry and Ron were eating the scrambled eggs Remus had set out for them when Hermione entered the room. Her bushy brown hair was not held back by her usual Alice band, but by a pair of glittery blue hair clips in the shape of butterflies.

“You look very nice today, Hermione,” Remus smiled at her. “What lovely barrettes.”

“Thank you, Remus.” She smiled back as he set her breakfast in front of her. Harry and Ron, of course, didn’t pay the slightest attention.

Ginny entered the kitchen a few minutes later. Her wavy, flaming-red hair was clipped up in a pretty pink barrette decorated with silver stars. Remus smiled at her, putting eggs on a plate and serving it to her. “You look lovely today, Ginny. I like your barrette.”

“Thanks, Remus,” Ginny grinned back. Harry and Ron continued to chow down, completely oblivious to the changing hairstyles of their friends.

The kitchen door opened once more and Sirius came in. His long, shiny black hair was held back by two pairs of barrettes - one silver and oval-shaped, the other gold with pink hearts on the top. It made quite an improvement. For once his long hair was held out of his face.

Remus blinked rapidly as he served breakfast to his lover. “Er... Siri... what are you wearing?”

Sirius looked down at himself, plucking at the charcoal-grey robes he was wearing. “The usual,” he replied. “Why?”

“No.... I mean, what are you wearing in your hair?”

“Oh, those.” Sirius touched one of his hair clips. “Don’t you like them?”

“Aren’t they... girly?”

“Remmie!” Sirius looked offended. “Hairclips are IN this season!”

“He’s right, you know,” Hermione pointed out. “Why else d’you think we’re wearing them?”

“But - on a man?” Harry and Ron looked revolted as they stared at the glittery clips in Sirius’ hair.

“Hairclips are gender-neutral,” Ginny said defensively.

“He’s got hearts in his hair,” Harry whined.

“Honestly, you two are so unimaginative,” Hermione snapped. “I think they look good on Sirius. They make his hair look so nice.”

“My hair’s so black, it produces a blue sheen,” Sirius smirked, running his hands through his hair. Sure enough, it looked dark blue under the lights.

“That doesn’t solve the fact that you’re wearing girl’s clips in your hair!” Ron said.

“Would it make you feel better if I took them out?!” Sirius yanked the clips from his hair, so it hung in his eyes again. “There!”

“Thank you,” Harry and Ron chorused.

“You seem to be really uptight about me wearing girls’ stuff, so I suppose I’d better take off the panties I’m wearing, too, huh?”

Harry and Ron fainted. Remus, Ginny, and Hermione gaped at Sirius.

“I was kidding,” he said in exasperation. “Geez....”

Lord Of The Rings (Condensed Version)

2009-10-18T21:53:00.001-04:00

Chapter 67 - Lord Of The Rings (Condensed Version)

Harry awoke one morning in December to find a shiny, golden ring on his pillow. He picked it up. It was shiny. It was golden. It was pretty. Harry liked it.

“Hey, Ron. Look at this!” he said.

“What is it?”

“A ring.”

“Wicked! Try it on!”

Harry did. He became invisible.

“Wow! It’s a magic ring!”

At that moment, Dumbledore appeared.

“Did I hear someone mention a magic ring?” He grabbed it from Harry and looked closely at it. “This is the One Ring! It will surely come to evil purposes if found by the Dark Lord! We must throw it into the fires of Mount Doom! I shall be your guide! And now, your Fellowship!”

POOF.

A smoke cloud billowed up in front of them. When it cleared, Harry and Ron saw six people standing beside Dumbledore: Hermione, Ginny, Sirius, Remus, Hagrid, and a random Hufflepuff boy we will call Tim.

“Behold your Fellowship!” Dumbledore cried. “Your fellow small people, Hermione and Ginny! Your guy-who-looks-like-a-bum-but-is-really-an-important-king, Sirius! Your elf-stand-in, Remus! Your dwarf-stand-in, Hagrid! And your guy-who-is-very-arrogant-and-wants-the-Ring-but-it-doesn’t-matter-because-he’ll-be-killed-by-Orcs-soon, Tim! And I am your wizard, Dumbledore! Harry, you are Ring-Bearer! And Ron, you are Ring-Bearer’s constant companion who may or may not be homosexually attracted to him!”

“WHAT?!” yelled Ron. “Me and Harry? Ewww!”

“What did you say about me being killed by Orcs soon?” Tim asked in alarm.

“Let us go, Fellowship!” Dumbledore gestured wildly with his wand. “To Mount Doom!”

“Wait!” Harry was pulled from the castle, still in his pajamas. “Where are we going?”

“Mount Doom!” Dumbledore pointed to a large volcano just beyond the Quidditch pitch. That was odd. Harry couldn’t remember seeing it there before.

“Look! A cave! Let’s take it! It will surely be a shortcut!” Sirius said.

“Okay!” They hurried in.

“Oh no! A big monster! A balrog! Aghhhh!” Dumbledore tumbled down an endless pit.

“Oh no! Dumbledore is dead!” Sirius led the way out of the caves.

“Give me the ring, Harry!” Tim demanded.

“No!” Harry yelled.

“Oh no!” cried Remus. “Orcs!”

The Orcs surrounded them. Harry put on his magic ring and turned invisible; he jumped into a nearby boat and sailed away, Ron clinging to the back of it. Two Orcs picked up Hermione and Ginny and carried them off. And a thousand arrows shot Tim in the chest!

“Argh! Our poor, befallen guide was right!” Tim cried, before dying.

The Orcs ran away. Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid were left standing stupidly over Tim’s corpse.

“Well, that could have gone worse,” Sirius said. “Well, I suppose we should go save Hermione and Ginny.”

“Argh!” Hermione cried as she was being carried away by Orcs. “Ginny! Wiggle!”

The two girls wiggled and were promptly dropped. They were picked up by an enormous tree, which dumped them at the feet of Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid.

“Thank you!” the girls cried. The motley crew continued on, until they saw an old man on a white horse.

“Look! It is Dumbledore!” they cried, running down to him. He waved his wand and horses appeared for them to ride.

“Come, fellow warriors!” he cried. “We must stop the Orcs from taking over Middle-Earth! I mean, Hogwarts! And to a lesser extent, we shall avenge the death of Tim!”

“There’s a plot twist no one informed me of,” Remus said, looking back several pages for any element of foreshadowing. He couldn’t find any, and gave up as Dumbledore’s army charged into battle with the Orcs.

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were struggling up the side of Mount Doom. Somewhere, randomly, they had picked up Draco, who was strangely obsessed with shiny things, and who kept muttering “My precioussss...” whenever he saw Harry’s shiny ring.

They reached the top of the mountain and looked into a bubbling lava pit.

“Gloop,” said the lava. Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

“We’ll need something to weigh the ring down,” Harry said. He and Ron thought for a moment, then smiled evilly. “Draco!”

“Yes?”

Harry flipped the ring to him. “Here, take my shiny ring.”

Draco’s eyes glazed over as he looked at the shiny ring. Harry and Ron nodded at each other. Then Ron got on his hands and knees behind Draco, and Harry pushed the stupefied Malfoy. Hard.

“AIIIIIEEEEE!” Draco plummeted into the lava. There was a huge explosion, and Mount Doom began to quake wildly. Harry and Ron clutched each other and wailed, thinking they were doomed, but just then a powder-blue carriage pulled by giant horses swooped down. The door opened and Sirius leaned out.

“Quick, hurry, get in!”

They did as they were told. As they flew over Hogwarts, they could see the fallen Orc army being absorbed by Mount Doom’s lava.

“Yay! The Ring has been destroyed!” Dumbledore said happily. “We rock!”

“I must be married so that I may become King!” Sirius said. “Remus, marry me!”

“Of course I will!” Remus and Sirius kissed.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” Ron sat up. He blinked. He was still in St. Mungo’s.

“Another toadstool dream?” Mrs. Weasley asked.

“Hold me,” Ron squeaked in fear.

Crookshanks The Prince

2009-10-18T21:52:00.000-04:00

Chapter 66 - Crookshanks The Prince

Ginny had been reading too many faerie tales these days. They had been giving her scary ideas.

For instance, one morning at breakfast she produced a glass slipper and demanded that Remus put it on Sirius’ foot to see if Sirius was truly his princess. Sirius had retaliated by throwing the slipper out the window, where it hit a Muggle in the head. The Muggle immediately sold the slipper on Ebay for two million dollars.

Another time, she forced Ron to eat a strangely-coloured mushroom, claiming it would make him shrink. Ron had to be rushed to St. Mungo’s with severe toadstool poisoning.

Ginny had also claimed that Snape lived in a gingerbread house and ate children; Hagrid lived in a house on top of the clouds, where he hid an enormous fortune; and Harry had been abandoned in the jungle as a child, where he was raised by wolves and made friends with singing, dancing bears.

It was all quite ridiculous. Mrs. Weasley was quite worried by now. She had never known that Muggle faerie tales could be so mind-altering.

But the strangest thing happened when Ginny swore that Crookshanks was really a prince.

“He is ,” she insisted to the bemused population of Grimmauld Place, eyeing the grumpy cat which sat in Hermione’s lap. “He’s under a spell from a wicked witch, and we have to change him back.”

“And just how do we do that?” Ron asked sarcastically.

“It’s easy! Hermione needs to kiss him!” Ginny said proudly.

“Ew, no!” Hermione protested. “In the story, the frog was kissed by a princess that he loved! Crookshanks is always way more affectionate with Sirius than he is with me!” She dumped the cat in Sirius’ lap.

“But I’m not a princess,” Sirius replied quickly, dumping the cat back on Hermione. “I’m all man, okay?”

“I can attest to that,” Remus said, snuggling up to his lover. The others twitched, then looked back at Crookshanks. The cat mewed and looked up at Hermione.

“See! He wants you to kiss him!” Ginny said triumphantly.

“Well, okay,” Hermione said, and kissed he cat on the lips.

POOF! Crookshanks disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to be replaced by a sexy, sultry prince dressed in tight leather trousers and a silk shirt. He had gingery hair the color of Crookshanks’ fur, which fell gracefully into his golden eyes, and long, sexy legs. He smiled, revealing perfect teeth, and every knee in the house turned to water. Even Harry found himself questioning his sexuality at the sight of this gorgeous god.

“You’re all mine, my dear,” the prince murmured, bending down to kiss Hermione passionately.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” Ron screamed. He sat up, fighting against his blankets. He looked around wildly. Strange. He wasn’t in Grimmauld Place. He was at St. Mungo’s.

“Oh, darling, are you okay?” his mother asked anxiously. She and Mr. Weasley were sitting beside their son’s bed.

“Yeah... I just had a really weird dream...” Ron muttered.

“Poor dear. It must have been a hallucination brought on by that poisonous toadstool Ginny gave you.”

Lucius' New Lover

2009-10-17T08:11:00.001-04:00

Chapter 65 - Lucius’ New Lover

Narcissa Malfoy had a problem.

It was a difficult, upsetting problem that made her cry.

She was certain that her husband was having an affair.

But the question was, with whom? She already knew about his affair with Snape, and of his secret lust for Lupin. She knew about the mild flirtation he had had with Bill Weasley at one time. She knew that Lucius had often gone to Sirius’ brother Regulus when they were younger. And she also knew the unnatural fondness he harboured for their own son. None of it bothered her, because none of his previous relationships were enough to make him leave her. But this... this might be it.

She couldn’t stand it anymore, and finally went for help. The only help available was her sister.

“Bella, darling! I think Lucius is having an affair!” Narcissa launched herself into her sister’s lap, sobbing.

Bellatrix put down her Game Boy, a thoughtful look on her face. “Well, dear. Let’s think.” She dried Narcissa’s tears with her hanky. “We’ll start at the beginning. You do know Lucius and Severus have their own Thursday-night routine, right?”

“Yes,” Narcissa sniveled pathetically.

“Okay. Then do you know that he sits around most times picturing Lupin naked?” Bellatrix asked, with a shudder at the thought of Remus naked. Thinking of Remus naked made her think of Sirius naked, which was truly disturbing (to her, at least).

“Yes,” Narcissa whimpered.

“Okay... what about Bill Weasley? They had a little touchy-kissy-feely thing going on for a little while,” Bellatrix said.

“He used to come home with red hairs on him!” Narcissa said. “Of course I knew!”

“Oh. Well... okay, this may scare you, but... remember when we thought Draco had found a pureblood girlfriend to shag? Well, he did - the bad news is, it’s Lucius.”

“I know about that too!” Narcissa sobbed. “I don’t care! As long as he’s with Draco, I know he’s not out all night!”

Bellatrix twitched. “Well, then, dear... I’m truly sapped for ideas. I have no clue who he could be messing with... it can’t be Rodolphus, I keep him locked in the broom cupboard when I’m not using him... and it can’t be Rabastan, he’s more interested in food than sex... that’s probably why he never got married....” Her face brightened. “Wait! What about Regulus? Did you know about them?”

“Yes,” Narcissa wailed. “And Regulus is dead now, so it can’t be him!”

“Right... then I really don’t know, dear. Maybe you’re just imagining it,” Bellatrix said soothingly, patting her sister’s head.

At that very moment, Lucius was getting out of his lover’s bed. He pulled on his leather trousers.

“Leaving so soon, Luci?” a voice purred from behind him.

“I’m sorry, My Lord. But I must,” Lucius said, fastening his robes and leaning down to kiss his lover.

“I’ll see you next Wednesday, then?” Voldemort asked.

“Of course, My Lord. I’ll bring the whipped cream.”

Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?

2009-10-17T08:09:00.000-04:00

Chapter 64 - Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?

A week after Christmas, just a few days before the children were to return to Hogwarts, Rita Skeeter’s article about Sirius appeared in the Daily Prophet. Sirius seemed too nervous to open the paper; his hands were shaking as he took it from Hedwig.

“I can’t do it,” he said helplessly, thrusting the paper at Hermione. “You read it! I’m too nervous.”

Hermione took the paper and opened it to the right page. She cleared her throat and began to read:

“‘As a reporter, I’ve come across many things in the world that have astounded me, even left me speechless. I thought I’d seen it all, until the day I met one Sirius Black.’”

“That sounds like a promising opening,” Ron mumbled sarcastically.

“‘He seemed like a normal enough man on first sight, though his hair was much longer than regulation and he needed a shave quite badly; I also believe his cologne was Eau de Werewolf. His lover and godson slipped away even before I could say hello, but I got all I needed to know from Mr. Black himself. Perhaps more than I wanted to know.

‘When I asked him about Azkaban, he shuddered violently and refused to talk in detail about it. ‘None of your business’, he said shortly, gulping down the last half of his drink and immediately ordering another. He seemed quite tipsy already; I wondered how much he had had to drink before arriving. The man is clearly an alcoholic.’”

“WHAT?!” Sirius cried in despair, interrupting Hermione. “I am not! This woman is totally blowing it out of proportion! I had three drinks at the Three Broomsticks! That’s it!”

“I told you she’d slander you,” Harry said. Hermione resumed reading.

“‘I finally gave up pursuing the Azkaban query; he was trembling at the mere idea of it. Instead, I moved on to his relationship with Harry Potter. After all, being godfather and sole guardian of the Boy Who Lived must be a trial. But Mr. Black laughed it off, downing another drink and laughing loudly and crudely. ‘It’s easy, being a parent,’ he said dryly. ‘A few whacks every now and then will do it.’”

The others looked shocked; Sirius was outraged. “I didn’t say that!” he cried. “I’d never hit Harry! Or any of you kids, for that matter!”

Hermione nodded, looking upset, and began reading again. “‘When asked about his relationship with Remus Lupin, werewolf and ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, Mr. Black responded that he and Mr. Lupin had been together since their Hogwarts days. It is clear to this reporter that Mr. Black was more interested in the sexual aspects of the relationship. ‘Werewolves are great, if you get what I mean,’ he said to me - or at least, that’s what it sounded like; his words were quite slurred by now.’”

Remus growled. “How dare she!” he burst out furiously. “That evil woman! She’s making my Siri out to be a child-abusing drunk with nothing but sex on his mind!”

Sirius moaned.

“‘I asked Mr. Black if he was implying something. He merely responded with a lecherous wink, and I noticed that he was eyeing one of the men over at the next table.’”

“No!” Sirius cried in horror. “No, no! Remmie! I never would! I love you! She’s lying!”

Remus sniffled.” Am I that horrible to be with, that you have to check out other men at pubs?!”

“No, love! I wasn’t looking at anyone else! That wretched woman is making things up again!”

Remus huffed. “And after you bought me that lovely present -”

“Moony! I swear, it’s not true!” Sirius looked desperate.

“‘But the final blow came when our meal arrived,’” Hermione continued loudly, cutting off the argument. “‘I asked Mr. Black how he felt, being accused of murdering thirteen people, being responsible for the deaths of his godson’s parents, and being known as a murderer. When I did, he became so angry that he -’” she blinked rapidly. “‘- that he - he grabbed my hair and smashed my face into my dinner. So I must conclude that Mr. Black is an - i-insane murderer, and should not have slipped through the cracks of our shoddy judicial system.’”

Everyone was silent as Hermione finished reading. All eyes were on Sirius.

“So I smashed her face into her dinner,” Sirius said grudgingly. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I wish I had been there to see it,” Harry sighed.

Fred grinned and put an arm around Sirius’ shoulders. “Congratulations, mate. Now you look like an even crazier psycho murderer than you already did.”

Sirius burst into tears.

Hot For Teacher

2009-10-17T08:08:00.000-04:00

Chapter 63 - Hot For Teacher

After that disappointing end to Christmas, everyone went to bed earlier than usual. Sirius and Remus were the only ones still up, sitting on the sofa in the drawing room. Sirius tried not to look at the empty corner where the Christmas tree had been.

“Remember, it’s not about trees and presents,” Remus reminded him softly, kissing his cheek. “It’s about the birth of Jesus.”

“I know,” Sirius said glumly. “But it’s also about peace and love, right? And yet, Snivellus stole our tree!”

“You shouldn’t have been hiding from him,” Remus said firmly. “I know you don’t like him, but you were being quite childish. Dumbledore is right - we should be forming and keeping as many alliances as possible. It’s our only defense against Voldemort. As Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘United we stand, divided we fall’.”

Sirius leaned against him. “I love it when you lecture me like that,” he said. “It brings out the professor-ness in you.”

“You never listened half as well to Professor McGonagall or any of the others.”

“They weren’t as sexy as you, Moony. Or as shaggable.”

Remus snuggled back. “Mmm. If you were one of my students, I wouldn’t have had a job for long.”

“It might be exciting to shag on a desk.”

“I thought we tried that in seventh year.”

“The teacher’s desk, I mean.”

“Oh, yes.” Remus giggled as Sirius’ breath tickled his neck. His mate’s fingers ventured up his shirt. “Sirius, that tickles!”

“It doesn’t tickle as much as the way I’d like to tickle you,” Sirius murmured in a sultry tone.

“Then take me to bed,” Remus gasped. “I want to see you in that new dressing gown... and have the opportunity to tear it off you...”

“Only if I get to give you one last surprise...” Sirius breathed.

“It’s a deal,” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand and pulled him into the bedroom. They didn’t talk until they were sitting on their bed, door locked and several Silencing Charms supplied, more for the children’s benefit than anyone else’s. “All right, love. What’s this surprise?”

Sirius sniggered slightly and reached under his pillow, drawing out a present wrapped in silver paper and burgundy ribbon. “Open it and see.”

Remus did so. He uncovered a small white box. Curiously, he lifted the cover, and gasped.

“Oh, Siri - it’s so beautiful -” his eyes filled with tears. “Oh, love -”

“I love you more than anyone, Remmie. I wanted to get this to show you just how much,” Sirius whispered huskily, taking the box from Remus’ hands. “Let me put it on you.”

Several hours later, they lay close together, panting, absolutely exhausted. Sirius’ new dressing gown had been put on, pulled off, and flung to the floor in a fit of passion; Remus was totally naked as well except for a frilly, lacy white garter tied high on his right thigh. Sirius fingered it lovingly.

“Do you like it, love?”

“Oh, yes.” Remus kissed him. “I never knew you had such a fondness for lace....”

“Partly, love. Mostly, I was just hot for teacher.”

Remus giggled delightedly as Sirius pulled the covers over their heads and began tickling him. It hadn’t been such a bad Christmas after all.

How The Potions Master Stole Christmas!

2009-10-17T08:05:00.002-04:00

Chapter 62 - How The Potions Master Stole Christmas!

Christmas dawned bright and sunny, with several inches of snow on the ground. Harry and Ron woke promptly at seven, and began tearing into their presents. They got books from Hermione, candy from Tonks, the usual jumpers from Ron’s parents, and lots of other things. Harry and Ron had, ironically, bought each other the same book on international Quidditch teams, which made them giggle. Sirius and Remus had bought Harry a beautiful set of books (again), featuring moving paintings of all kinds of magical creatures. For some reason, they had bought Ron a can of spider poison. Harry was perplexed, but Ron was very pleased. Harry had gotten another pair of socks from Dobby. It was a very good Christmas.

After putting on his Weasley jumper and his mismatched new socks, Harry followed Ron down to the kitchen for breakfast. They walked in on a ‘loud discussion’ between Sirius and Remus. Long ago, they had been informed that Remus and Sirius never argued. They had ‘loud discussions’ instead.

“I’m telling you, it’s going to ruin my whole Christmas!” Sirius was saying.

“Lower your voice, Sirius! He'll only be here for a few minutes or so!”

Harry and Ron exchanged nervous looks. There was only one person whose appearance at Grimmauld Place could ruin Sirius’ whole Christmas.

“Are you talking about Snape?” they squeaked.

“Professor Snape, boys,” Remus reprimanded them. “He’ll be stopping by to drop off this month’s supply of Wolfsbane for me.”

“It’ll ruin the whole Christmas!” Sirius wept.

There was a definite cloud of gloom over the table as Harry, Hermione, Sirius, Remus, and the nine Weasleys ate breakfast. Remus, Mr. Weasley, and Mrs. Weasley seemed to be the only ones who didn’t associate Snape’s coming with impending doom.

Around noon, the doorbell rang. All the children froze.

“Hide me!” Bill cried, jumping into the pantry with the twins and shutting the door. Charlie crawled under the table, hiding behind the long tablecloth. Ginny and Hermione bolted to hide in the broom cupboard. Percy quaked with fear and squeezed himself behind the Welsh dresser. Ron and Harry exchanged looks, and, deciding this was an emergency, wedged themselves into the tiny, smelly cupboard which had once been Kreacher’s room. Sirius looked around wildly. All the hiding spots were taken. He hit the floor and squished under the table with Charlie.

“Hey -”

“Shh!”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Mrs. Weasley snapped.

“We don’t want to see Snivellus!” Sirius whispered. “He’s a thief of Christmas cheer! He’ll - steal Christmas!”

A chorus of “Noooo!’s came forth from the various hiding spots.

“Shh! He’s coming!”

Everyone fell silent as Snape and Remus entered the kitchen . Remus was carrying a small cauldron, which he placed in the icebox. “Thank you so much, Severus.”

Snape glanced suspiciously around. He could see feet peeking out from under the tablecloth. A shock of red hair was visible from behind the Welsh dresser, and eyes were peeking out from behind the cupboard doors. He kicked out.

“Ow!” Sirius yelped.

Sniggering, Snape nodded curtly to Remus and the Weasleys before turning to leave. Then he had an idea. Snape got an awful, clever idea.

Everyone had finally emerged from their hiding spots when an almighty noise was heard. THUMP, THUMP. It was soon followed by the sound of something being dragged. The front door slammed. Mrs. Black’s portrait began to scream.

“What was that?!” Sirius said, leading the way upstairs. He stopped, looking at the floor in horror. The others peeked around him.

“NOOOOOOOO!” they cried.

“Snivellus stole our Christmas tree!” Sirius wailed, pointing at the trail of pine needles that led to the door.

Snape cackled, putting the tree on a sleigh. Then up, up the side of Mount Crumpet, he rode with his load to the tip-top... TO DUMP IT!

And that was how the Potions Master stole Christmas!

The Rita Skeeter Interview

2009-10-17T08:04:00.000-04:00

Chapter 61 - The Rita Skeeter Interview

Grimmauld Place was bustling with activity the next day. Everyone was busy cleaning and decorating the house. It was quite a task, but Harry was confident that they were finally getting an upper hand over the house. It had only taken them a year or so...

But he was surprised when he took a break from decorating the drawing room to get a glass of water, and found his godfather in the entry, putting on a scarf and coat.

“Are you going somewhere, Sirius?”

“Yeah. I got an owl from Rita Skeeter. She wants to interview me. You know, tell my side of the story, tell what my life has been like after being so wrongfully accused....”

“She’ll have you pointing out all the holes in the wizarding world’s justice system,” Harry said, handing his godfather a pair of gloves.

“Even if she didn’t ask, I’d have plenty to say on the topic.” Sirius grumbled, pulling on the gloves. Harry kept quiet. He knew quite well that Sirius was furious with the Ministry, partly because of his wrongful imprisonment, but also because of their refusal to believe Harry and their beastly treatment of werewolves.

“Can I come too?” Harry wheedled. Anything was better than staying in this dank, dusty house.

“I suppose...” Sirius gave him a Look. “But you know Rita’ll come after you like a shark who smells blood. Why don’t we get Remmie to come, and you two can hide in the background. I don’t want her messing with you anymore. She’s printed enough lies.”

“She might print lies about you, too,” Harry said dryly.

A few minutes later, Sirius, Harry, and Remus were on the Knight Bus, on their way to Hogsmeade. It was a typical bumpy, scary ride, and all three were more than glad to get off at the pub. As they entered the Three Broomsticks, Harry caught sight of Rita right away. She was wearing a hideous, lime-green macintosh over a set of neon pink robes. Sirius blinked several times, winced, and looked at Remus and Harry, who shrugged.

“Good luck, love,” Remus murmured, standing on tiptoe to kiss his mate’s cheek.

“Yeah. Try not to say anything that her Quick-Quotes Quill can twist into something unsavoury,” Harry warned.

“I’ll do my best. See you in an hour or so.” Sirius smiled bravely and headed off to Rita’s table. She looked up as he approached, and Remus and Harry ducked out the door quickly to avoid being seen.

They passed the hour quite uneventfully, ducking into shops when they got too cold, putting their heads together to think of what to get Sirius for Christmas. Remus ended up getting him a silk dressing gown. It was dove-grey and trimmed in deepest black, and for a few extra Sickles he had Sirius’ initials monogrammed on the front pocket. Harry got him a book entitled ‘Muggle Vehicles Meet Magic : That’s One Bad-Ass Bike' , and, as a joke, a bottle of Gilderoy Lockhart’s Fabulous Famous Hair Potion.

They hid their parcels under their cloaks before returning to the Three Broomsticks. They had no sooner reached the door when it flew open, expelling Rita Skeeter, who was covered in mush and screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs. Her paunchy photographer followed, cursing as well and wiping furiously at his camera lens with a hanky.

“Oh, Merlin,” Remus sighed.

A few seconds later, Sirius emerged, his hands in his pockets and his long hair fluttering in the wind. He looked grumpy. “Let’s go,” he muttered.

“Sirius, what happened?” Harry couldn’t help asking as they boarded the Knight Bus.

Sirius growled. “She called me a murderer so I grabbed her hair and smashed her face into her dinner,” he said simply.

Sirius And Mrs. Weasley

2009-10-13T08:04:00.003-04:00

Chapter 60 - Sirius and Mrs. Weasley

Sirius Black would never be Molly Weasley’s favourite relative. In fact, Mrs. Weasley could have died happily if she had never known that immature, whiny, crude, slightly hypocritical, scraggly-looking clod was a relative. It had come as a complete shock when she had taken up residence at 12 Grimmauld Place and caught a glimpse of Sirius’ family tree only to see that she and Sirius had a few ancestors in common. She had often lain awake nights, wondering how this could be. Arthur didn’t seem to mind; he and Sirius got on rather well - even to the point where Arthur sometimes jokingly referred to Sirius as ‘Stubby’, after seeing that ridiculous article in The Quibbler. But Mrs. Weasley supposed she’d have to live with it. The children and the rest of the Order (except Snape) liked Sirius, and Harry and Remus loved him deeply. And after all, every family had a member whom they’d like to forget.

But it was almost Christmas, and Mrs. Weasley tried to warm up to her cousin in lieu of the holiday spirit. He was, it was true, a lot more pleasant to be around after being freed, and a lot more pleasant to look at now that he had a comb and clean clothes at his disposal. So Molly was determined to stay in good spirits.

That was hard to do after she found out why her son, daughter, and the others had been missing for almost twenty-four hours. She couldn’t contain her rage as she converged upon her rather frightened-looking cousin.

“HOW COULD YOU GET LOST?!” Mrs. Weasley roared. Pots and pans trembled on the walls. Several pieces of china fell from their shelves and smashed. Remus, Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley children were cowering in a corner. Sirius was standing before Molly, his eyes wide.

“HOW COULD YOU END UP IN IRELAND?! HOW CLUELESS ARE YOU?”

“Well, we ran out of money, you see, after buying petrol and doughnuts and using the pay toilets...”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST COME STRAIGHT HOME?! YOU DIDN’T NEED PETROL OR DOUGHNUTS OR PAY TOILETS!”

“Well, there was a traffic jam, you see....”

“BUT STILL! HOW DO YOU GET FROM WALES TO IRELAND WITHOUT REALISING YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY?!”

“I didn’t mean to! It was getting dark, and everyone was whining about being hungry!”

“WHAT ABOUT STREET SIGNS?! WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO READ ANY?!”

“I told you, it was dark!”

He was a frustrating, irritating man. Molly ground her teeth. He may have been thirty-six years old, but he acted more like he was still sixteen. “Why did it take you so long to think of the Knight Bus?” she inquired, trying to keep her voice under control. “Surely even you aren’t that stupid.”

He also had a very bad temper, and she was pushing it. His eyes turned icy. “I’m sure you didn’t mean that, Molly.”

“I’m sure I did. Honestly, Sirius, will you ever grow up and start acting like an adult? You’re supposed to be Harry’s role model, for heaven’s sake!”

“There you go again! You’re always telling me what a terrible godfather I am! Well, excuse me if I didn’t get much practise before I was wrongfully imprisoned in that hell!”

“You never would have been sent to Azkaban if you hadn’t gone off with the purpose of killing Pettigrew !-”

“YOU EXPECT ME TO SIT ON MY ARSE AFTER MY BEST FRIENDS WERE MURDERED?! HARRY NEEDED ME, DAMMIT!”

“YOU ALWAYS HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS, SIRIUS, BUT YOU NEVER ACT ON THEM!”

“WELL, PARDON ME FOR HAVING GOOOOOD INTENTIONS!”

“Now, Sirius.” Remus had removed his fingers from his ears (all the shouting was particularly hard on his sensitive wolf hearing) and stepped between his lover and Mrs. Weasley. “It was a simple mistake, Molly. Well, several mistakes. Well, more like a series of unfortunate events. It was partly my fault. I used Sirius’ money to buy breakfast for the children.” He smiled charmingly. Mrs. Weasley calmed down immediately, while Sirius’ eyes turned darker than usual and a naughty smile appeared on his face. Harry didn’t want to know what kind of lecherous thoughts his godfather was entertaining.

“Come on, it’s Christmas. Let’s just sit down to eat. We have a lot of work ahead of us.” Remus said soothingly.

It was okay. Decorating Grimmauld Place was a lot more fun than scrubbing Grimmauld Place. Everyone sat down to eat their supper, which had cooled considerably during Sirius and Mrs. Weasley’s argument. The meal went uneventfully, for the most part. The main distraction was Mrs. Weasley, who was still grinding her teeth over her stew.

No doubt she had seen the ketchup stain on Ron’s jumper.

End Of The Road

2009-10-13T08:02:00.002-04:00

Chapter 59 - End of the Road

“This is just great,” Harry groused. He was sitting on a stool between Sirius and Ron, devouring a plate of hamburgers and chips. The barman had taken pity on them and made them lunch for free. “How, how , did we end up stranded in Ireland?!”

“Blame your godfather’s abysmal sense of direction,” Remus said haughtily, tucking into his chocolate-chip pancakes.

“Shut it,” Sirius muttered over his steak.

Harry paid them no attention. He knew they’d be making up - and out - as soon as they got back to Grimmauld Place. Those two couldn’t stay angry with each other for very long.

“The thing is, who are we going to get in touch with?” Hermione whispered urgently, the four males around her leaning closer to hear her (Ron leaning into his ketchup). “I mean, we’re stuck out here with no money - well, no Muggle money, anyway - and no one knows where we are. Even worse, we have no way of getting petrol for the car. You do realise you have to return that, right, Sirius?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Sirius looked worried. “What if Christmas goes by without us?!”

“It won’t,” Ron said, scrubbing at the ketchup on his front. The good thing about maroon jumpers was, ketchup didn’t show up on them. “At least.... I hope it won’t....”

Sirius didn’t look reassured. Harry cast an anxious glance at Remus. “We won’t miss Christmas, will we, Remus?”

“Of course not, Harry. We’ll be home before nightfall.”

“No we won’t,” Ron objected. “Look.”

It was already getting dark outside. Remus sighed. “Well, not for lack of trying.”

The barman came out of the back room and glanced up at the clock. “I’m sorry, everyone,” he said apologetically. “But I’ll have to ask you to leave. I can’t have children in here when my nighttime customers start showing up.”

“Well, thanks for the meal,” Sirius said, as they got wearily to their feet. The barman smiled at him, and they dragged their things back outside.

“Wait a minute,” Harry said, after twenty minutes of shivering in the chilly air. “We’re really dumb, you know. We forgot about the Knight Bus.”

“Oh. Duuuuuuh,” the others echoed.

“Definitely have enough Galleons for all of us,” Sirius muttered, pulling a bag of gold from his inner coat pocket. “Boy, do I feel stupid.”

Harry threw out his right hand, and a purple, double-decker bus pulled up to the curb. Stan Shunpike appeared from inside it. “’Arry-!”

“Do you forgive me, love?” Sirius asked Remus, as they all boarded the bus and took seats on the beds Stan led them to.

“Of course I do, my darling,” Remus said, snuggling close to Sirius. “And I’m sorry we quarreled. I was beastly to you.”

“Nahh. I was just as bad.” Sirius rubbed his nose against Remus’.

“Oi! Can’t you read?” Stan demanded. He pointed.

At the front of the bus was a sign reading, “NO HOMOSEXUAL DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION! IT DISTRACTS THE DRIVER!”

“And he’s a bad enough driver as it is,” Stan reflected.

Sirius and Remus let go of each other instantly.

“Thank you,” said Ron.

Not In England Anymore

2009-10-13T08:01:00.002-04:00

Chapter 58 - Not In England Anymore

Several hours of steady walking had brought our poor lost group to a pub with a telephone. They dragged their luggage inside, and gathered around the telephone box. Sirius dug the remaining pence from his wallet and stood in front of the phone. “Erm - who should we call?” he asked. Most of the Order would be unable to help them, and they couldn’t think of any Muggles who would. Harry considered calling Uncle Vernon, then squashed that idea immediately. Uncle Vernon would probably be pleased and overjoyed to know his nephew and his nephew’s lousy wizard friends were stranded in a pub in the middle-of-nowheres.

“What about Ted and Andromeda?” Remus asked anxiously. “They have a car, don’t they? And a phone?”

“They’re on holiday in Mexico,” Sirius said glumly. “Been planning it for months.”

“How will we get home?” Hermione cried. “I promised to owl my parents the second I got back - they must be frantic by now!!”

“Imagine how worried Mum must be,” Ron mumbled to Ginny.

“I’m HUNGRY!” Harry wailed. After all, the two people who would worry about him the most were standing right with him. In fact, it was his own godfather’s fault that they were lost.

“Yes, yes,” Remus said. “I know, children, but what are we supposed to do?”

“My, my, my,” the barman said. He had a thick, rolling Irish brogue. “What seems to be the problem here?”

“We’re lost,” Sirius began.

“He got us lost -” Remus said.

“You spent all my money -” Sirius retorted.

“I’m hungry -” Harry supplied.

“We took a shortcut to get out of a traffic jam and got stuck in Wales -” Hermione told the confused barman.

“Mum’s probably going spare -” Ron said.

“-And then we ended up running out of petrol near Hampshire -” Hermione continued.

“I have to pee,” Ginny squirmed.

“It’s certainly not my fault, Sirius Black -”

“Well, Remmie, who spent all the toll money on doughnuts ? -”

“I’m hungry!!”

“So now you’re accusing me of being a careless shopper? -”

“I’m accusing you of spending all my money ! -”

“And we’re lost -” Hermione tried to explain.

“Just you keep it up, Sirius, if you want to be sleeping alone tonight -”

“Come on, Remmie! Just ‘cause you wanted a chocolate fix, I gotta sleep on the sofa, all alone -”

“Well, it serves you right -”

“I’m HUNGRY!!”

“QUIET!” shouted the barman. Everyone stopped speaking, and looked at the barman with wide eyes.

“Now. Where might ye be trying to go?”

“London,” Sirius answered.

The barman chuckled. “Ye’re way off course, laddie. Do ye not know ye’re in Ireland now?”

“WHAT?!” everyone yelled.

“I knew that bridge was a bad idea,” Sirius whimpered.

Take The Long Way Home

2009-10-13T08:00:00.001-04:00

Chapter 57 - Take The Long Way Home

Christmas holidays were upon Hogwarts at last. Early on the first morning of the holidays, most of the Hogwarts students were to be found on the Hogwarts Express, heading back to London.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny got off the train at King’s Cross to find Sirius and Remus waiting for them, all smiles. There was a quick exchange of hugs and kisses, and then they emerged out into the Muggle world and headed for the parking lot.

Sirius had borrowed a car from the Muggles to transport everyone back to Grimmauld Place. He had set an Enlarging Spell on the boot, so all the trunks fitted comfortably inside. In no time, they were off.

Harry yawned. “I’m hungry. All we had on the train were Pumpkin Pasties. How long until we get home and have some real food?”

“Not long,” Remus assured him.

“Correction, Remmie.” Sirius said glumly from behind the wheel. “Take a look.”

They were coming up on a traffic jam.

“D’oh!” Remus shouted.

“I can remedy this,” Sirius said, putting on his blinker and taking a right. “We’ll take a shortcut.”

“No, love! Your shortcuts never pan out!” Remus protested.

“We’ll be fine,” Sirius reassured him. “Trust me.”

But an hour later, it was obvious that trusting Sirius’ knowledge of shortcuts was far from smart. The group had found themselves somewhere in Wales, after finally stopping at a petrol station to ask directions and gas up the car. They also took advantage of the bathrooms and the rack of doughnuts inside the station, Remus borrowing Sirius’ wallet to pay for their breakfast.

“Yer really los’, mate,” the owner of the station said, scratching his head after Sirius had finished asking for directions. “Quite a’bit los’. How’d yer manage tha’ one?”

“Took a shortcut,” Sirius muttered.

“Well, I’ll set yer straigh’. Easy, it is.....” the man pulled a map out from under the counter and began to walk Sirius through it. Remus sighed and bought the children some bottles of milk.

“Okay, then?” the owner asked twenty minutes later. “Easy enough, eh?”

“Yeah. Now I see where I went wrong,” Sirius said, looking relieved. “Thanks.” He looked over his shoulder at the others. “Ready to go?”

“In a minute,” Remus said. He and the children hurried off to visit the restrooms once more. When they returned, everyone piled into the car and off they went.

Sirius followed the owner’s instructions perfectly, reading them off a piece of paper, until they came to a toll bridge. 1 POUND TO CROSS, a sign read.

Sirius dug out his wallet and opened it. “Ack!” He was down to a few pence, not nearly enough to pay the toll. “Remmie! Where’s all my money?”

“I’m sorry, love,” Remus said meekly. “I spent it on breakfast. And the toilets cost 10p. to use each time!”

“Great.” Sirius pulled out of the line and turned around. “Well. Looks like we’ll have to take another shortcut.”

“Noooooo!” everyone wailed.

“We’ll be fine,” Sirius insisted.

And that was how, nearly three hours later, the group found themselves at a petrol station in a small village somewhere north of Hampshire.

With no money to buy lunch.

And no money to buy petrol, either.

D’oh.

Mystic Crystal Revelations

2009-10-13T07:59:00.000-04:00

Chapter 56 - Mystic Crystal Revelations

Sibyll Trelawney was getting ready for Christmas. After all, it was about five weeks away.

But the problem was, she hadn’t the slightest clue of what to buy for her colleagues. So, she decided to try crystal gazing to find out the perfect gifts.

Dumbledore was easy. No sooner had she sat before her crystal ball than a smiling Dumbledore popped up in it, holding an armload of socks. Sibyll reached for her parchment and scribbled: ALBUS. SOCKS.

She returned to the ball. “What about Minerva?”

A picture of a smiling Minerva appeared in her ball. Minerva was holding a doll that looked like Snape. She stuck a pin in it.

Sibyll scrawled : MINERVA. SEVERUS VOODOO DOLL.

“And speaking of Severus....”

A smiling Snape appeared in her ball, holding a doll that looked like McGonagall. He stuck a pin in it.

SEVERUS: MINERVA VOODOO DOLL.

“And Filius?”

Her ball showed a picture of a smiling Professor Flitwick, standing on a stool to reach the high cupboards in his office.

FILIUS: STEPPY-STOOL.

“And Sprout?”

A happy Professor Sprout, standing beside a giant mountain of dragon dung fertilizer.

SPROUT: GIFT CERTIFICATE TO FERTILIZER WORLD.

“Poppy?”

A picture of Madame Pomfrey using a super-sticky glue to hold students in place while she administered medicine to them.

POPPY: SUPER GLUE.

“And Argus?”

The ball showed a happy Filch with a brand-new whip and a shining set of manacles.

ARGUS: STUDENT-TORTURING KIT.

And so she managed to find the perfect present for everyone on her list. Finally, the only person left was Remus Lupin, whom she had always liked. “Well, crystal ball, what shall we get dear Remus?”

The ball was blank for awhile. Then it showed her a picture of a happy Remus dressed entirely in leather, holding a riding crop. He was standing next to a bed with black silk sheets, and Sirius Black was handcuffed to the bedposts, dressed only in a leather thong and studded gauntlets.

Sibyll fainted.

Unsolved Mysteries

2009-10-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

Chapter 55 - Unsolved Mysteries

Harry was dressed in a long, tan trenchcoat and a dark suit. He was sitting in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room, all the Gryffindors gathered around him. He cleared his throat.

“Good evening. I’m Robert Stack, and this is another episode of ‘Unsolved Mysteries’.”

“You’re not Robert Stack,” Dean objected.

“Just work with me, okay?” Harry snapped. “All right. Presented for your approval -”

“That was ‘Twilight Zone’, not ‘Unsolved Mysteries’,” Hermione interrupted.

“JUST WORK WITH ME!” Harry shrieked, then he regained his composure and settled down. “Presented for your approval, mysteries in the lives of me and my friends. I have all five books here, and we will discuss the Unsolved Mysteries of the Potter world! Okay, number one!”

He opened ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’. “Here, my Aunt Petunia says my mother came home every holiday with her pockets full of frog spawn, turning teacups into rats. Now! If Mum was always turning teacups into rats, how come she was never expelled for using underage magic outside of school?”

Silence.

“And here!” Harry pulled out ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’. “See, in this book, I have the Marauder’s Map back, even though Moody never returned it to me in ‘Goblet of Fire’! How did that happen?”

More silence.

“This one’s full of mysteries. Look, Sirius has his wand back now, even though he didn’t have it in ‘Prisoner of Azkaban’ or ‘Goblet of Fire’! How did he get it? He wasn’t allowed to leave the house, so how could he buy one?! And it’s not as if someone could have bought one for him - the wand chooses the wizard! If someone else bought it for him, it would be for that person, not Sirius!”

Silence.

“And what about this? The barman at the Hog’s Head is said to be tall and thin with lots of long grey hair and beard, and he looks vaguely familiar. They never said who he reminded me of!! And his bar smells like goats! Know what I think? I think the barman is Aberforth Dumbledore, who was prosecuted for practising inappropriate charms on a goat!”

Everyone exchanged glances.

“Does anyone even know what’s going on with Wormtail? He was only mentioned ONCE in ‘Order of the Phoenix’, though in ‘Goblet of Fire’ he looked like he was going to become a very important character!!”

Dean backed away in fright, tripped over a coffee table, and landed in Ginny’s lap.

Harry waved ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ in the air. “And look! Remus says in here that there is no cure for being a werewolf! But in ‘Chamber of Secrets’, Lockhart says the Homorphus Charm can turn werewolves back to normal!! Sure, Lockhart was a fraud, but he stole the Homorphus Charm from someone, so it must work! Why hasn’t anyone tried it on Remus?!”

“Harry, calm down,” Hermione said soothingly. “You’ll have to wait until Book Six comes out.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Harry sighed.

“But you sure gave us stuff to think about in the meantime,” Ron said.

Thestrals Run Amok

2009-10-10T16:08:00.002-04:00

Chapter 54 - Thestrals Run Amok

Hagrid had a problem.

The thestrals were behaving rather strangely.

All of a sudden, they were doing strange things. Hagrid began finding things like elf hats and faerie wings lying around the Forbidden Forest, marked with the distinctive bite marks of the thestrals. More than once, he had seen one of the thestrals fly head-on into a tree, shake itself off, and then continue on its way as if nothing had happened.

But strangest of all, they seemed to be entering the castle to mingle with the students.

(“Mingle, or I’ll mangle.”)

Hagrid just couldn’t figure it out.

“Wha’ d’yeh think would’a caused ‘em to start actin’ so strangely?” he asked Fang one morning.

Fang merely thumped his tail on the floor and rolled over. Hagrid got to his feet and shrugged on his moleskin overcoat. “Suppose I’d better go an’ feed ‘em, anyway.”

But when he entered the Forbidden Forest and called the thestrals, none came. Hagrid called for at least twenty minutes, but nothing showed up. With a depressed sigh, Hagrid trudged up to the castle for breakfast.

He received a surprise when he entered the Great Hall. Thestrals were scattered throughout the Hall, eating people food! The main concentration seemed to be at the Gryffindor table, so Hagrid headed over there. He could see Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville feeding the thestrals their bacon.

“Oi! What are all the thestrals doin’ in here?” Hagrid asked them.

“Dunno,” Harry replied. “They were already here when we came down.”

“They aren’t supposed to be eatin’ people food!”

“But they seem to like it,” Ron said, holding his bacon up in midair. It disappeared almost instantly. “It’s fun feeding them, even though I can’t see them.”

Hagrid sighed. “But it’s gettin’ a bit crowded in here.”

To prove his point, a kid walking by smacked head-on into a thestral, and stopped, looking around in confusion to see what he had walked into. He backed away slowly, tripped over another thestral, and fell hard on his butt. “Today’s just not my day!!”

“Face it, Hagrid, if you had a choice between bacon or dead cow carcasses, what would you choose?” Hermione asked sensibly.

“True.” Hagrid said. Then he went to eat his breakfast.

Snuffles Has The Sniffles

2009-10-10T16:08:00.001-04:00

Chapter 53 - Snuffles Has the Sniffles

Sniff.

“Love, stop sniffing it back in. Blow it out.”

Sniff.

“Sirius!”

Sniff.

With an exasperated sigh, Remus yanked a tissue from the box and held it under Sirius’ nose. “Blow.”

Sirius blew, Remus making a disgusted face as the tissue became soggier and soggier. He dropped it in the wastebasket and mopped Sirius up with another fistful of tissues before running to the bathroom and washing his hands.

Sirius had the sniffles. He was horrible; even such a minor thing made him whimper and whine for pity, and it was amazing how a runny nose could turn a thirty-six-year old man into a great big baby in less than a day. And Remus, as his mate and the only one in the Order with sufficient patience to do so, was taking care of him. Luckily Sirius got sick very rarely; he was nearly unbearable when he was.

“Oh, Remmie... I don’t feel so good,” Sirius groaned.

“I know you don’t, love,” Remus said, brushing Sirius’ sweaty hair away from his forehead.

“I want some chicken soup,” the Animagus whimpered pathetically.

“Yes, yes,” sighed Remus, going to fetch it.

“And orange juice.”

“Yes, yes.”

“And chewable morphine.”

“That doesn’t exist, and you know it!” Remus huffed, leaving the room. He hastened to the kitchen and dug the leftover chicken soup from the icebox. He gave it a tap with his wand, heating it instantly, and poured a tall glass of juice. Then he brought it up to Sirius.

His lover took a bite. “Ahh!!! Too hot!!” he choked, draining his juice in one gulp. “Remmie.... I need more juice.”

“Of course, love,” Remus said, ignoring the way his left eye was beginning to twitch.

“I need another blanket, too. I’m cold.”

“Yes, love....”

It went on like this for a week. Sirius was in misery, and so was Remus. Waiting on Sirius hand and foot was driving him mad. It drove the rest of the Order mad, too. Sirius hated being left out of meetings, and to keep him from complaining, he was allowed to attend the latest one, bundled up in several blankets with copious amounts of Vicks’ Vapo-Rub smeared on his chest and a box of tissues by his hand. He annoyed everyone by sniffling, snuffling, coughing, and sneezing all through the meeting. The Order members hurried out of Grimmauld Place as fast as they could once Dumbledore dismissed them.

“I don’t want to catch Black’s diseases,” Snape snarled.

“I just hate having a runny nose,” Tonks said.

“I always get nosebleeds when I’m sick. I’d like to avoid that,” Kingsley agreed.

So they all bailed out on poor Remus.

A few days later, Sirius awoke feeling much, much better. He beamed and pulled the blankets off Remus. “Look, Remmie! I’m all better! And it’s all thanks to your love and care!! .....Remmie?”

“Uuuurgh,” Remus moaned. He sniffled and pulled the blankets back up over his shivering body. “I dobt feel good, Siri.”

“Uhoh.”

“I think I’b sick.”

“You sure look it. Guess you caught my cold. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.”

“Thank you, lub.”

“Poor baby.”

But it was worse than Sirius could imagine, as he found out when the next Order meeting came up. Every single member of the Order, even Dumbledore, had caught the cold. Sirius was forced to sit with a roomful of sneezing, sniffling, miserable people.

“Ewwww,” he wailed.

Tom's Very Secret Diary

2009-10-10T16:05:00.001-04:00

Chapter 52 - Tom’s Very Secret Diary

Once upon a time, a student named Tom Riddle had recorded his memories permanently in a magical diary, and left it behind at Hogwarts. Many years later, he used the diary to control Ginny Weasley. The diary was destroyed by Harry Potter, and everyone lived happily ever after.

Or so they thought.

Tom Riddle had not written just ONE diary! The evil, mind-controlling diary was only his favourite one. He had ANOTHER diary, this one so incredibly secret that NO ONE would ever read it!

Or so he thought.

On a fine fall day at Hogwarts, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were in the library, working on Professor Smythe’s twenty-inch-long essay on the yeti. Hermione had filled up twenty-four inches of parchment and was still going strong. Harry and Ron felt ill.

“I’m going to go find some... more books to help me out,” Harry mumbled. “Be right back.”

He scurried away, hurrying down the nearest dark, dusty aisle of books. Once out of the sight of Madame Pince, the librarian, he slowed to a walk and ran a finger along the spines of the books he passed.

“Ouch!”

Harry stumbled over something, his shoulder colliding painfully with the bookshelf. A single volume tumbled to the floor. Cursing under his breath, Harry bent to pick it up.

‘My Diary’.

Whose diary?

He flipped it over. Clearly embossed on the back was ‘T.M. Riddle’.

Harry’s eyes widened. He fairly dashed back to his table, plopping down forcefully in his chair and thrusting the diary under Ron’s nose. “Look!”

“Easy, mate!” Ron looked positively alarmed. He took the diary from Harry, examining it critically. When he saw the name on the back, he dropped the diary on top of his essay. Ink smeared.

Hermione gingerly picked the diary out of the ruins of Ron’s essay and tapped it with her wand, restoring it to its previous clean state. “Another diary belonging to Tom Riddle?” she asked.

Harry quivered so violently that his chair squeaked. “It could be filled with all sorts of evil plans of doom!” he wept.

Ron squeaked. Hermione rolled her eyes. She started to open the diary.

“No, don’t!” Harry and Ron squealed.

Hermione gave them a dirty look. “Stop being such cowards. You’re in Gryffindor, remember?”

“But who knows what fiendish things could be contained within the yellowed leaves of that accursed book!” Ron cried.

There was a long pause as Hermione and Harry stared at him. Finally, Harry spoke.

“Ooookayy.... thanks for that assessment, Ron. Hermione, don’t open the book!”

“It’s just a DIARY,” Hermione said in irritation. She opened the diary and skimmed a few pages, then snorted in laughter. A few more pages, and she was chuckling. Harry and Ron were interested despite themselves.

“What is it?”

Hermione cleared her throat and began to read.

“’Dear Diary - Today was the worst day of my life, I swear! It was so completely horrible! I can never, ever, EVER show my face again in the Great Hall! Susie Ellerman, who is soooo cute and who I sooo want to go out with, called me a git! I was sooo embarrassed, I could have died! I was, like, absolutely dying!!! I never, ever want to see anyone else ever again!! I’m glad I have you, Diary. You’re, like, so my best friend! I gotta go now. The other boys are coming up from dinner. I’ll finish this later. Love, Tommy.’”

There was a long pause. Then Harry blinked.

“Voldemort wrote that?”

There was another pause. Then the three teenagers burst into giggles. Madame Pince came and kicked them out for making too much noise, but it didn't bother them. They just took Tom’s diary back to the Gryffindor common room and amused everyone by reading it aloud.

Poor Mouldy Voldie.

Luci In The Sky With Diamonds

2009-10-10T16:04:00.001-04:00

Chapter 51 - Luci In The Sky With Diamonds

Like most people, Lucius Malfoy hated going to the dentist.

But he only hated going because his dentist was a Muggle. Some bloke named Flanagan.

So, Lucius tried his best to avoid the dentist’s office. Unfortunately, he woke up one chilly morning to discover that he had a cavity.

“You’ll have to see the dentist, lovey,” Narcissa said firmly, shoving him out the door.

And that was how Lucius found himself strapped into a dentist’s chair, with bright lights shining in his eyes and a suction tube in his mouth. He couldn’t help from sweating. He had never had a cavity before. What would happen to him?

“All right, Mr. Malfoy,” Dr. Flanagan said cheerfully. “We’ll just give you the gas, now, and you won’t feel a thing!”

A plastic mask was pressed to his mouth and nose. Lucius inhaled, and immediately felt pleasantly drowsy. Another breath, and his eyelids drooped. Another, and he was skipping down a road made entirely of pink brick, looking at trees that seemed to be made of spun sugar.

A rabbit hopped up to him. It wore a top hat and spats, and had the head of Thomas, the boy he had been sleeping with in his fifth year at Hogwarts.

“Luci, long time no see!” Thomas-bunny said cheerfully, pulling out a rifle. He fired, sending a blast of flower petals into Lucius’ face. A hole opened up under his feet and he fell, landing hard on a pile of leaves. A snake with Lord Voldemort’s head slithered up to him.

“Fine day, my Lucius,” Voldie-snake hissed, crawling up his trouser leg. Lucius shrieked, then gasped, then moaned. Whatever the snake was doing in there, it sure felt nice. But it stopped abruptly; Lucius opened his eyes to find himself sitting on a cloud, dressed in a blue frock, white pinafore, and Mary Janes. His hair was done up with a huge blue bow. He yelped. What was all this?!

Two loud popping noises announced the arrival of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Lucius twitched. Lupin was wearing a slinky, sexy French maid’s dress with a frilly apron, six-inch heels, and fishnet hose; Black was dressed as a naughty nurse, smirking slightly and pulling on a pair of rubber gloves. Lucius backed away as the pair converged on him. Black winked. “Come on, Luci... it only hurts at first....”

Lucius took off one of his Mary Janes and threw it at them. Black and Lupin shattered into a thousand pieces, which turned into birds and flew away. The sky turned blinding orange, and a sea popped out of nowhere. A giant clamshell rose from the water and opened, revealing Albus Dumbledore, completely naked except for a wreath of laurel leaves. He blew a kiss to Lucius, then turned into a large cupcake.

“Long live the Queen,” the cupcake squeaked, and rolled away, leaving a trail of frosting. Lucius stared after it. Then, a figure rose out of the frosting trail. It was Narcissa, but the heads of her sisters Andromeda and Bellatrix were growing out of her shoulders. Lucius screamed.

“Do shut up,” the three women said in unison, and poured a glass of water over his head. The frosting trail opened up and swallowed Lucius, and he found himself flying past a brilliant sunset. A yellow submarine was below him, and four vaguely familiar heads were poking out of the windows.

“Look up, fellows! It’s Luci in the sky!” John cried.

“Yeah, no diamonds though,” Paul commented.

“Watch out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria!” George yelled, as a black-and-white sketch of the Queen popped up in front of them.

“Help us!” Ringo wailed, as the yellow submarine hit the Queen and started to sink. “Oh God, help us!”

Lucius soared on, past a grove of poppies in which a lion, a scarecrow, and a tinman were dancing, heading for a bright, gleaming city of green straight ahead. He landed inside the beautiful green city, and a huge cloud of smoke billowed up before him. Someone emerged from the smoke. It was Dr. Flanagan, but he was wearing a suit with short pants and clutching an oversized lolly, his hair done in ringlets under a large hat.

“It’s time to wake up, Mr. Malfoy.”

Lucius opened his eyes groggily. He was back in the dentist’s office. Dr. Flanagan was smiling down at him, looking completely normal. “See? Even though I went a little too heavy on the gas, that wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Lucius sat up and flung his bib aside. “That’s what YOU think! Crucio!”

Chat-Up Lines

2009-10-08T22:33:00.001-04:00

Chapter 50 - Chat-Up Lines

Harry was determined to find a girlfriend. So, he decided to try speed dating.

The popularity of speed dating was so high that Hogwarts was having a speed dating session for anyone who wished to try. Harry wanted to try. So he signed up, and wrote a letter to his godfather asking for some conversation starters. Sirius complied with a long list of the best chat-up lines he could think of, so on the night of the event, Harry stood in front of the mirror in his dorm, fixing his hair and practising his favourite lines.

When he was ready, he went downstairs and into the Great Hall. The House tables had been cleared away, and twenty-five small tables and sets of chairs were set up in their place. The whole idea was for each boy to take a seat at one of the tables. A girl would join him. Then they would have exactly three minutes to get to know each other. After three minutes, a whistle would blow, and the first girl would leave and another would arrive. After each ‘date’, the boy and girl would mark their ‘date’s’ number and name on a card, and whether or not they’d like to see them again.

It was going to be a snap. Harry sat down and was immediately joined by Padma Patil. He smiled and eyed her.”Hi, Padma... Say, what’s your sign?”

She gave him a disgusted look. “That’s the oldest line in the book!” And with that, she got up and left, leaving Harry sitting foolishly alone until the whistle blew.

His next ‘date’ was Susan Bones. She was wearing a purple frock scattered with white birds. Harry grinned. “You look lovely in that frock, dear.... I’d love to see you without it.... what d’you say?”

Susan slapped him across the face, and got up to leave. Once more, Harry was stuck sitting alone.

Next was Hannah Abbot. She smiled warmly at him as she sat down. He smiled back. “Hi, Hannah. Guess what? I’m a Seer, you know. I can predict the two of us having fun tonight! So, what d’you say... want to fulfill our destinies?”

“Predict this, jerkwad,” Hannah snarled, and punched him in the nose.

“Ow...” Harry pressed a tissue to his bloody nose. He was soon joined by Pansy Parkinson, who glared at him.

“Um... hi?” he offered.

“Sod off, Potter!” Pansy kicked him in the shin.

Marietta Edgecombe was next. Harry tried his best to smile. “Hi, Marietta. Hey, does your hair always look that way, or do you just get out of bed looking like that?”

He had meant it as a compliment, but Marietta didn’t see it as one. She slapped him and stalked off.

The same thing happened with the next girl. And the next. And the next.

Much later that night, Harry staggered up to the dorm beaten, bruised, and bleeding. He couldn’t understand where he had gone wrong. He had done exactly what Sirius had told him to do. What had gone wrong?

“Harry, what’s wrong?” Hermione asked.

“No one seemed to like what I said to them,” Harry said unhappily.

“Well, what did you say? Here, talk to me the same way you talked to them.”

Harry tried to remember one of Sirius’ lines, looking at his friend. Finally, he said timidly, “Er - capital knockers?”

Hermione punched him in the nose.

Wee R The Death Eaters, Phear Us!

2009-10-08T22:31:00.001-04:00

Chapter 49 - Wee R the Death Eaters, Phear us!

Lord Voldemort was unhappy.

He was generally unhappy all of the time, mostly because Harry Potter was still alive. But today he was doubly unhappy. For some reason he couldn’t explain, the wizarding community was no longer as afraid of him and his servants as they used to be. It was quite puzzling, but Voldemort had an idea why no one feared them anymore. He, for one, was being continuously beaten by a scrawny boy. His Death Eaters were incompetent fools who could not carry out even the most rudimentary of his schemes. And someone from the Daily Prophet had dubbed him ‘Mouldy Voldie’, which had led to his being laughed at quite often.

It was infuriating. As an evil leader, Voldemort couldn’t just let this slide!

Not to mention Skeletor and Sauron had been flicking spitballs at him all through this year’s Annual Bad Guy Convention.

So Mouldy Voldie - sorry, Voldemort - had an idea. He would get his Death Eaters together to plan how they would fix their public image.

The first one to show up was Lucius Malfoy. Voldemort stared. Lucius was wearing his hair in a ponytail, tied with a huge bow. What was this, the ‘Chamber of Secrets’ movie?

“Good morning, My Lord!” Lucius said cheerfully, plopping down in one of the folding chairs scattered throughout the room. He immediately took out a makeup case and a mirror, and began applying purple gunk to his eyelids.

Bellatrix Lestrange followed shortly, carrying a huge mallet and dragging her husband Rodolphus by the arm, as her brother-in-law Rabastan followed. Rabastan looked around and grunted, disappointed by the lack of a buffet table. “What? No refreshments?”

Voldemort groaned to himself. Over the next few minutes the others arrived - Wormtail, Avery, Rookwood, Crabbe, Goyle, Nott, Macnair, Dolohov, Jugson, Mulciber and Snape. Ignoring Snape’s large turban, which emitted a whirring noise much like that of a tape recorder and had a camera lens set into it, Voldemort got up behind his podium.

“Ah! My Death Eaters!” he said loudly. “I have called you here to address an important problem!”

“What, the fact that there’s no snacks?” Rabastan asked loudly.

“Shut up! Crucio! ” Voldemort yelled. After a few minutes of watching Rabastan twitch, he released the curse and returned to his speech. “My Death Eaters, I am afraid the wizarding community does not find us as awe-inspiring and fearsome as they once did!”

A collective gasp.

“So we need to figure out how to boost our public image back to ‘Super-Evil’! We need a slogan that makes people say, ‘Hey! They’re scarier than Satan!”

“Er.... how about ‘We are the Death Eaters, fear us’?” Lucius suggested after much thought.

There was a long pause. Then Voldemort nodded. “Yes! That’ll do it! Wormtail!” he barked. “Go! Write us a sign that says ‘We are the Death Eaters! Fear us!’ We shall carry it with us, and soon everyone will learn to fear Lord Voldemort and his followers once more!! Oh,” he added, “Don’t forget to note that we are scarier than Satan!”

“Yes, My Lord!” Wormtail said, and scampered off to do his lord’s evil bidding.

Twenty minutes later, he was back, carrying a big piece of cardboard. “All done!” he said proudly.

“MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!” Voldemort cackled. “Now, into your Death Eater robes, my Death Eaters! We will have a Death Eater parade!”

But as the Death Eaters marched around London with their sign, they got laughed at more than they ever had.

Their sign read:

‘WEE R THE DEATH EATERS! PHEAR US! WE’RE SCARIER THAN STAN!’

Voldemort had forgotten that Wormtail was a horrible speller.

Sirius' Fan Club, Part 3

2009-10-08T22:30:00.000-04:00

Chapter 48 - Sirius’ Fan Club, Part 3

It was a typical day at Grimmauld Place. Well, except for the fact that Sirius had finally remembered to take Kreacher’s skeleton out of the broom cupboard he had locked the house-elf in nearly four moths ago. While Remus hastily put seventeen Freshening Charms on the smelly cupboard, Sirius went to bury the skeleton deep in the dirt floor of the wine cellar.

Luckily, they finished just as the first members of the Order began arriving for the meeting. Nobody asked why Sirius was covered in dirt and holding a shovel. He was always doing weird things.

But it was nothing compared to the arrival of the Order members.

Tonks was the first to arrive. She burst in with her usual “Wotcher, lads!”, before hanging up her bright pink cloak and sitting down beside Sirius. He jumped when he felt a hand on his thigh. Tonks smiled seductively at him, and he pushed her hand off his leg. “Tonks! Only Remmie’s allowed to do that!”

“Only Remmie’s allowed to do what?” Remus asked suspiciously.

“Nothing,” Tonks said sweetly.

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were the next to arrive. Mr. Weasley winked at Sirius, while Mrs. Weasley kissed him on the cheek. “Is it just me, Sirius, or have you gotten even more attractive?”

“Eh?” Sirius said blankly.

“Hey, everyone!” Bill was there, carrying boxes of doughnuts. He stopped to bat his eyelashes at Sirius. “I saved you the jelly doughnut, Sirius,” the redhead purred, handing him a red jelly doughnut wrapped neatly in a napkin, so Sirius’ fingers didn’t get covered in powdered sugar.

“Thanks,” Sirius said, still feeling confused. Everyone was acting rather... odd.

Over the next twenty minutes, other Order members arrived, until the kitchen was packed. Sirius was sitting between Remus and Tonks, more confused than ever. Almost everyone (with the exceptions of Remus, Dumbledore, Hagrid, and Snape) seemed to be acting just like those lovestruck girls in the ice cream parlour. Bill was sitting directly across from Sirius, seductively licking the chocolate frosting off a Boston creme pie doughnut. Hestia Jones was making kissy faces in his direction, and there was a foot running along his leg. Sirius had no idea whose foot it was. It either belonged to Kingsley Shacklebolt, on Bill’s left, or - eurgh - Mundungus Fletcher, on Bill’s right.

Bill tore off a piece of doughnut and ate it. Then he squeezed the white creme from the middle of the doughnut onto his fingers, and began licking it off slowly, his eyes on Sirius the whole time. Sirius had an idea of what Bill was thinking, and he gulped. Not that he wasn’t flattered, but he had Remus to do that kind of thing with him....

Tonks’ hand was dangerously high on his leg, and Emmeline Vance made quite a show of pointing to Sirius, then herself, then the pantry. Dedalus Diggle was licking the end of a pencil in a very suggestive way.

By now, Dumbledore had realised what was going on, and had stopped talking. Remus had noticed as well. He grabbed Sirius by the arm, and swatted Tonks’ hand away.

“Look, I know he’s beautiful, but he’s all mine!” Remus said loudly.

“Aw, come on, Remus. Surely you’re not averse to sharing?” Bill asked, pouting.

“Yes. I. AM.”

“Save me, Remmie!” Sirius threw his arms around his lover.

“He’s taken,” Remus said firmly.

“Booo,” the rest of the Order replied.

Defense Against The Dark Arts,The Conclusion

2009-10-08T22:29:00.000-04:00

Chapter 47 - Defense Against The Dark Arts, The Conclusion

A week after the disappointing refusal of Harry’s appointment as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, it was time for the first lesson with the new teacher. The Gryffindors picked morosely at their lunch, unhappy at the prospect of another ‘substandard, badly-dressed teacher’.

“Maybe we’ll get lucky, and Professor Lupin will have come back,” Dean said hopefully.

“I don’t know. Remus didn’t say anything about returning,” Harry mumbled. “The werewolf thing, remember?”

“So? He was still cool.”

“Maybe it’ll be Sirius,” Parvati sighed. “But maybe he’ll bring Professor Lupin with him... mmm....”

“We could give Professor Lupin a makeover!” Lavender cheered.

Harry twitched, a sudden image of Remus in a frilly pink dress, full makeup and pink hair ribbons coming to mind. Then that reminded him of the scary pictures in Sirius’ album, and he twitched so violently that his bread tumbled to the floor. Sighing, he picked it up and blew off the germs before taking a bite. It was Lavender and Parvati’s turn to twitch.

Finally, they trudged up to the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. It was empty when they entered. Harry, Ron, and Hermione immediately busied themselves looking for talking rocks or other talking inanimate objects. Finding none, they took their usual seats at the front of the room.

“I wish it was Sirius or Remus,” Harry sighed.

“Are professors even allowed to bring their spouses and/or significant others to school with them?” Ron wondered.

“I’ve always wondered that,” Hermione said. “Being apart for ten months must be a terrible strain on a marriage. But then, I don’t think any of our professors have ever been married....”

“Would we really want the two of them here at the same time?” mumbled Ron. “Probably be snogging on the desktop all lesson...”

“That would be a lot of fun,” Parvati said dreamily.

“Pervert,” Ron hissed.

“Fashion-challenged bigot.”

“At least I don’t look like one of those glam-rock rejects, or a David Bowie impersonator, or Sirius and Harry’s dad at seventeen,” Ron retorted, then looked apologetically at Harry. “Sorry, mate. But they didn’t dress too well...”

“Believe me, I don’t blame you,” Harry sighed. Just then, the door creaked open and a perfectly ordinary-looking woman with a brown ponytail entered.

“Good afternoon, class. My name is Professor Smythe,” she said pleasantly. “I’m your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.”

The Gryffindors exchanged looks as Professor Smythe placed her briefcase on the teacher’s desk and picked up a piece of chalk. Ugh. Boring.

But they received a surprise when the professor turned her back on them to write on the chalkboard.

Peeking out from under the hem of her robes was a long, scaly green tail.

Defense Against The Dark Arts, Part 3

2009-10-08T22:28:00.000-04:00

Chapter 46 - Defense Against The Dark Arts, Part 3

“I say we take a vote,” Parvati said importantly, as the Gryffindors gathered in the common room after dinner.

“What for?” Seamus wanted to know.

“Well, maybe not a vote, but we have to make our voices heard!” Parvati cried. “We’ve suffered through enough substandard, badly-dressed teachers!” (Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged Looks.) “We need to tell Dumbledore that we just won’t take it anymore! We need to learn ! You-Know-Who is out there, after all! We need to recruit a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher who actually knows his stuff! Oh, and a cute one, too.” She sat down.

“You’re right,” Dean said slowly. “I’m getting a little tired of it too. When Professor Lupin and Professor Moody were here, Defense Against the Dark Arts was fun ! Protecting yourself is kind of scary when you think of why you need to do it, but learning it is kind of cool! I mean, look at how much fun the DA was last year. We need something like that!”

“Only without Zacharias Smith,” Ron scowled.

Hermione clapped her hands excitedly. “See, Harry? I told you people would love it. I mean, if it weren’t for Marietta, we would have gotten a lot farther last year! I think we should pick up where we left off - after all, it’s not illegal anymore-”

“Yeah!” Ron brightened. “Who’s up for that again? Harry teaching us Defense?”

“ME!” Hands waved in the air. Harry turned bright red and tried not to look too pleased with himself.

“But I can’t do it, I’m not a professional - and Dumbledore -”

“Who cares?” Seamus shouted. “We’ll tell him we want you! You can curse rings around the usual cruddy teachers he gets for us!”

“After all, Harry, you’ve stood up to so much!” Lavender said admiringly.

“Okay, I’ll do it!” Harry said happily.

“I second that motion!” Parvati cried.

“Let’s go tell Dumbledore!” cheered Neville.

But when they reached the headmaster’s office, Dumbledore himself was just leaving it. “Professor!” Harry called, running up behind the headmaster. “We have the perfect new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher!”

“Sorry, Harry, but I’ve already found one,” Dumbledore said cheerfully. “Now please excuse me. I’m visiting someone at St. Mungo’s...”

The Gryffindors stared after him as he skipped down the hallway like a small girl. The last thing they heard was, “Oh, Gilderoy... I haven’t seen you in so long! I hope you’re as attractive as ever!”

Silence reigned. Then Ron spoke up. “I feel ill.”

“I second that motion,” Hermione agreed.

Harry and his classmates made a mad dash for the bathrooms.

Defense Against The Dark Arts, Part 2

2009-10-06T22:45:00.001-04:00

Chapter 45 - Defense Against The Dark Arts, Part 2

It wasn’t long before Dumbledore found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. However, the Gryffindor sixth years were less than enthused come lunchtime on the day of their first lesson with the new teacher. Harry was doing a tally in his notebook, the others clustered around him.

“So far,” he announced to Ron, Hermione, Parvati, Lavender, Seamus, Dean, and Neville, “We’ve had two good teachers - Professor Lupin, and Professor Moody, until he turned out to be a maniac. Unfortunately, we’ve had four bad teachers - Quirrel, Lockhart, Umbridge, and McDonald. It looks like fate is conspiring against us! We’re doomed to have bad teachers!”

His classmates groaned unhappily and slumped down in their seats. When the bell sounded, they trudged off to Defense Against the Dark Arts in a glum little group.

But when they entered the classroom, there was no one else there. Everyone took seats and got settled, then sat there expectantly, waiting for the teacher to arrive.

“Good afternoon, class! I’m Professor Rock!” a voice said.

Professor - Rock? Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged glances. That voice sounded eerily familiar... but it couldn’t be.... Sirius had gotten rid of it....

“I’m a talking rock. But the rocks around here don’t talk very much.”

Their eyes widened. It was what they had feared! The talking rock from Sirius’ attic!!

“Now, to get you started on Defense Against the Dark Arts! Dark Arts... there’s a horrid thought. My previous owners were great Dark wizards, but I never liked them much. All they did was shout and scream at their eldest son, who was some boy-snogging nancy boy. His brother was a million times prettier, in my opinion, but the gay one was better tempered and didn’t go around trying to kill Muggles.... then I got locked in an attic for fifteen years or so... the gay bloke finally dug me out, and threw me in the ocean! Luckily, I washed ashore in Wales and the headmaster just happened to find me on the beach during his holiday... so he brought me back here to talk to. I had fun talking to him and all the previous headmasters and headmistresses, but as soon as I heard this post was open yet again, I volunteered! I couldn’t let my knowledge of the Dark Arts be wasted! What better than to teach you youngsters how to handle yourselves! I mean... what would you do if a crazed ninja with a bazooka jumped out of a bush at you? Would you even know what spell to use to repel him? No, I didn’t think so!”

FORTY MINUTES LATER

Listening to the rock was just as bad as sitting through History of Magic. Many of the Gryffindors were in the stupor they usually reserved for Binns’ class, several people were sleeping, and even Hermione looked out of it. But the rock just kept on talking.

“....And the Death Eaters! I could rattle off their names right now, and their crimes, but what good is that, I’d just bore you all to death... it’d take forever, too... oh, the things I heard in that house... But I heard stuff in Wales, too! The headmaster was searching every shop for a special brand of socks made with an ultra-rare wool from Prague, but no matter where he looked, he couldn’t find them! I told him, ‘Headmaster, sir, I know where you can find them! There’s a quaint little shop in Aberdeen that sells them selectively!’ Well, he was impressed, asked me how I knew so much, told him I picked up a lot from my previous owners. Three centuries I’ve been in the Black family, and I knew everything! I could tell you everything, every nasty secret, but I suppose that gay lad would get back at me for spreading filth about his ancestors. I wouldn’t do that anyway. After all, I’ve had a few bad eggs in my family...”

That was it. No one could take it anymore! As the Boy Who Lived, Harry couldn’t stand idly by as his fellow Gryffindors wasted away to skeletons listening to the blatherings of this bloody rock!

He got up, crossed to the front of the room, picked up the rock, and headed to the window.

“Hey, what are you doing? Hey, I know you now! You’re the gay bloke’s godson! Well, I’ll let you know, you aren’t going to - hey! put me down! Don’t even think about throwing me out that window! Ten points from Gryffindoooooorrr.....”

The rock’s words were cut off as it landed in the lake. Harry brushed off his hands and sat down to the applause of his friends.

Defense Against The Dark Arts, Part 1

2009-10-06T22:43:00.001-04:00

Chapter 44 - Defense Against The Dark Arts, Part 1

The thing that was most puzzling this year was that Hogwarts had yet to find the latest Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Since the beginning of the year, Defense Against the Dark Arts classes had been devoted to ‘study hall’. Hermione often spent study hall huffing that it was a waste of time, but Harry and Ron were pleased to have a chance to get some homework done during the day.

“I wonder why we still haven’t got a teacher,” Hermione sighed one morning early in November.

Harry shrugged. “Dumbledore’s been having trouble finding one, looks like.”

“Maybe no one’s stupid enough to take it,” Ron piped up. “What with the curse and all.”

“Oh, Ron, the job isn’t cursed, that’s just stupid superstition!” Hermione snapped.

Hermione was apparently right (as always), because the next day a sign went up in the Gryffindor common room, announcing that a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher had been found. It also gave the schedule for the lessons. Excited and interested to see who the new teacher was, Hermione, Harry, and Ron arrived early for the lesson. (They knew it couldn’t have been Umbridge again. The Daily Prophet had reported she had died in July as a result of brutal toaster-related violence.)

The new professor looked... odd. He had bright red hair and scary red makeup. He wore a red-and-yellow set of robes embroidered with yellow M’s, and huge red shoes. Actually, he rather looked like a clown.

His name was Professor R. McDonald.

Professor McDonald went about calling the roll, each person responding as he called their name. However, he didn’t simply say, ‘Dean Thomas’ or ‘Harry Potter’ or ‘Neville Longbottom’. He would shout out, “Harry Potter! Do you believe in MAGIC?!” And when Harry (or whomever else Professor McDonald called on) said yes, Professor McDonald would grab hold of his own large, red nose and honk it enthusiastically.

It was the strangest thing Harry, Ron, or Hermione had ever experienced, even after all the things they’d been through and all the people they knew.

Finally, the roll was called and Professor McDonald began the lesson.

Well. If Hermione had thought her Defense Against the Dark Arts was being wasted before, it was nothing compared to now. Professor McDonald began going on about battling something he called ‘The Evil King Burger’. Apparently ‘The Evil King Burger’ was a dangerous force, even more powerful than Lord Voldemort. ‘The Evil King Burger’ would stop at nothing to run a monopoly among the fast-food business. ‘The Evil King Burger’ was a horrible monster, and it had to be stopped by the only means possible - magic!

The students stared back at their new professor, utterly speechless.

Professor McDonald reached over and took a chicken nugget from a box on his desk and stuck it in his mouth as he continued to lecture. Suddenly, he gasped and grabbed at his throat. He gagged, then fell over. He was dead. He had choked on the chicken nugget.

After they stopped laughing, the students alerted the headmaster.

Arachnophobia

2009-10-06T22:40:00.001-04:00

Chapter 43 - Arachnophobia

It was Friday the thirteenth.

A very very bad day.

Ron Weasley woke up that morning to feel something tickly on his hand. He opened his eyes and screamed.

A fat, black spider was crawling across his hand!!

Ron flapped his hand wildly, and the spider went flying across the room and onto Dean’s pillow. Dean yawned, smushed it, and went back to sleep.

So it was no surprise that Ron was trembling during breakfast that morning. Hermione was inclined to giggle at Ron’s story, but was cut off when her Daily Prophet arrived. She unrolled it. Something tumbled out.

Ron squeaked. It was a large spider! The spider scurried towards his plate. Ron moved away, whimpering. The spider crawled even closer. Ron wailed aloud.

Harry reached over and smashed the spider under his goblet. “Better?”

“Thanks, mate,” Ron gasped, massaging his chest. He thought he felt a heart attack coming on.

The rest of breakfast was quite uneventful. No spiders popped out of anything as Ron, Harry, and Hermione made their way to History of Magic, and Ron had hope that perhaps two spiders in one day was just a fluke. He relaxed and pulled out his quill and ink to play Hangman with Harry as Professor Binns droned on.

Plop. Something landed in his inkwell. Ron frowned, and poked his quill in to fish it out.

It flopped onto the parchment and shook itself off, then crawled towards Ron. Another spider!

With a strangled half-cry, Ron pushed his chair away from the spider as it advanced on him. His bottom lip trembled as he fought not to cry.

Harry rolled up the parchment and smacked it. There was a loud CRUNCH as the spider got smushed.

“Thanks, Harry,” Ron said, pulling out his hanky and wiping his sweaty forehead.

Next was Herbology. Harry, Ron, and Hermione hurried across the grounds to get to the greenhouses. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and Ron felt a little better as he and his friends walked under the trees. But then - Ron walked straight into something sticky!!

“Argh!” he cried, waving his arms around. “Harry! Hermione! I just walked into a spiderweb!!”

Then the realisation of what he was saying struck him. “ARRRGHH!! A spiderweb!!!” The spider itself was crawling along his arm!!

SMUSH. Hermione crunched the spider as Harry gently disentangled Ron from the remainder of the spiderweb. Ron sniffled and tried bravely to smile. “Thanks, guys.”

It continued like that all day. Spiders kept popping out at Ron, and Hermione and Harry kept squishing them for him. Ron reckoned he owed them roughly 3,850 favours each by the end of the day. Tired of being humiliated, he headed to the Quidditch pitch on his own that night, to have a ride on his broomstick and clear his head.

The pitch was empty. All the other Quidditch players and flying aficionados had gone in for the night. Smiling, Ron clambered onto his broom and took off.

It was a lovely flight. A silvery crescent moon hung in the sky, and crickets were chirping softly. Ron felt better than he had all day. He soared around the stadium one last time before touching down lightly and shouldering his broomstick. But as he neared the castle, he froze. A large spider was sitting on the front steps! He couldn’t get in.

“What now?” he whimpered. “I hate spiders!”

“DIIIIEEE!” a voice shrieked. Out of nowhere, a woman with long dark hair appeared and smashed the spider with a giant mallet, leaving a huge black splotch on the front steps. Ron squeaked. It was Bellatrix Lestrange!

She looked at him. “Someday, I’ll be able to smush Sirius the way I smushed that spider,” she said proudly, before running off into the night, leaving a dumbfounded Ron to stare after her.

The Horrible Truth

2009-10-06T22:38:00.001-04:00

Chapter 42 - The Horrible Truth

Ginny Weasley had a horrible secret. A terrible, bowel-clenching, gut-spewing, terror-inspiring secret.

Her real name was Ginevra.

It was the worst name in the world! Ginny hated it more than anything. Whatever had possessed her mother and father to give her such a horrid name?!

It was such an awful name, Ginny couldn’t bear to let anyone know about it. She had pretended since her very first day at Hogwarts that her real first name was Virginia, just so no one would know her horrible secret. Even her closest friends didn’t know. She swore she would go to her grave holding back this terrible secret. And her tombstone would say ‘Ginny’, not ‘Ginevra’.

It was her expertise at Bat-Bogey Hexes that had kept Fred, George, and Ron from blurting the secret out to the whole school. She was so good at them that her brothers remained in terror of angering her, so they had never leaked Ginny’s real name to anyone.

So, one day, she was horrified to see Pigwidgeon flying towards her at breakfast, bearing what looked like a birthday card from her grandmother. It never failed! Gramma Weasley always sent singing birthday cards, and she also always called Ginny by her real name. No! She couldn’t open a SINGING birthday card which would potentially reveal her REAL name in the middle of the Great Hall, where EVERYONE was eating breakfast!

“Look Ginny, you’ve got post!” Hermione said cheerfully, pulling the envelope from Pigwidgeon’s beak and holding it out to her. Ginny grabbed it and stuffed it in her bag.

“Aren’t you going to open it?” Hermione asked.

“No!” Ginny said.

“Why not?” Hermione ducked down and pulled the envelope from the bag. She slit it open and pulled out the card. “Look! It’s a birthday card from your grandmother! Isn’t that sweet?” She started to open it.

“Hermione, NO!” Ginny wailed.

But it was too late. As soon as Hermione opened the card, it began to sing loudly, echoing all around the cavernous Great Hall and making people look up: “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR GINEVRA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!”

A ringing silence fell. Heads whipped around to face the Gryffindor table. Ginny sunk as low as possible in her chair, highly embarrassed. Hermione had her hands clasped over her mouth, looking stunned. Then, finally, she lowered them, and in a trembling voice that nevertheless traveled all around the silent Great Hall, asked, “G-Ginevra? But Ginny, I thought your real name was Virginia!”

Ginny burst into tears.

Faerie Godmother

2009-10-06T22:36:00.001-04:00

Chapter 41 - Faerie Godmother

Halloween dawned bright and sunny, if a little cold. It was a Hogsmeade weekend, and Harry was looking forward to it even more than usual, because Sirius and Remus were going to be shopping in Hogsmeade today, and had promised to meet up with him. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny watched in mild alarm as Harry bounced impatiently in his seat during breakfast, waiting for his friends to finish their scrambled eggs.

“Harry, calm down.”

“I can’t help it! I’m excited!” Harry protested.

“You’ve gone through months at a time not seeing Sirius or Remus,” Hermione pointed out. “It shouldn’t be that hard to wait for another half-hour or so.”

He stuck his tongue out at her (so mature) and kept bouncing. Hermione heaved an enormous sigh. Ron and Ginny merely shrugged and resumed eating.

Finally, by eleven o’clock, everyone was ready to go. The four teenagers (soon joined by Luna Lovegood and Neville Longbottom) headed down the path to Hogsmeade.

“I can’t believe I’m meeting Stubby Boardman!” Luna squealed. The others ignored her. Ginny turned to Harry.

“You know, Harry, I’ve been wondering. What are you supposed to call Remus?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Sirius is your godfather. Remus might be the feminine half of the relationship, but you can hardly call him your godmother. So what do you call him?”

Silence fell as they all pondered this (except for Luna, who was rummaging through her bag for her autograph book). No one knew quite what to say, so Hermione suggested they ask Sirius and Remus themselves.

The two men were waiting for them outside the Three Broomsticks. After introducing Neville and Luna to Sirius and Remus, Harry led the way inside the pub for a round of butterbeers. Once they had settled themselves around a table, Hermione gave Harry a Look and a sharp poke in the ribs.

“Ow! I mean - Remus, Sirius, can I ask your opinion on something?”

“Fire away,” Sirius said comfortably, stuffing crisps into his mouth. Harry looked uneasily at Remus.

“Er - well... I was wondering... Sirius is my godfather, but what would you call yourself, Remus?”

There was a pause, broken only by the chatter from surrounding tables and crunchy noises as Sirius munched on more crisps. Remus looked perplexed. “Well, Harry, I’ve never really thought of it before. What do you think I should be called?”

“Er - well... I always just thought of you as Sirius’ boyfriend.... but I don’t know what to say to people, I mean, it’s a little hard to explain.... some people are just so touchy about gay couples...”

“You could always call him Mrs. Black,” Sirius said mildly.

“NO thank you, dear,” Remus muttered, stuffing a crisp into Sirius’ mouth. “No matter what I am in the bedroom, I refuse to be called your wife in public.”

The kids twitched. Ron spoke up. “How about faerie godmother?” he asked, sniggering.

“Ron!” Remus cried. “No, no!! A thousand times no!!”

“How about ‘my former Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher and Sirius’ significant other’?” Hermione suggested.

“How politically correct,” Sirius mumbled. “And he’s not my ‘significant other’. He’s more like my ‘one-and-only, ever’.”

Eyes widened all around the table. “Sirius! You’ve only been with one person all your life?” Ron asked in disbelief.

“What?” Sirius turned red. “Is that so wrong?”

“No, but I thought you were the school playboy in your day!”

Sirius mumbled something indistinct and turned redder. Hermione poked Ron in the side. Remus ignored them. “Well, Harry, I guess I can simply be termed your godfather’s lover. There’s really no other way to describe our situation.”

“I guess,” Harry admitted, just as someone approached their table.

“Hi, Harry!” It was Cho Chang. Harry blushed as Cho looked ‘round at his drinking mates, her eyes coming to rest on Sirius. “Have we met?”

“Er -” Blushing furiously, Harry tried to remember his manners. “Cho, this is my godfather, Sirius Black - and you know Professor Lupin, he’s - he’s -” His mind was temporarily blank.

“ - Sirius’ wife - I mean, my faerie godmother!” he finally blurted out.

Remus wailed and buried his face in his hands.

Drama Queen

2009-10-05T14:46:00.000-04:00

Chapter 40 - Drama Queen

Hannah Abbot was a drama queen.

There was nothing to be done about that. It was kind of a family thing, she supposed. It ran in the blood. Both her older sisters were drama queens as well. Her elder brother was a drag queen, but that was another story entirely. One that Hannah didn’t feel inclined to discuss. But we’ll forgive her.

Unfortunately, she had the habit of picking the worst times to get dramatic - not that she could help that, either. It was just a part of being an Abbot girl. Once she had gone mental at the party celebrating Cedric Diggory’s being chosen as school champion in the Triwizard Tournament, declaring that Harry’s and Cedric’s joint election as Hogwarts champion meant disaster for everyone in the form of lions and badgers running loose and killing people with their magical lazer vision.

Wait, no. That was Looney Lovegood’s prediction.

Hannah had been more concerned about the potential drama behind what she was going to wear to the party. She had had a rather large crush on Cedric, just like every other girl at the school. He was just too damn good-looking for his own good! She had burst into tears upon regarding her vast wardrobe consisting of only whites, greys, and blacks (with yellow-and-black striped ties for colour). It was a predicament Parvati Patil would have sympathized with. In the end, a thoroughly depressed Hannah had remained in her dormitory with only her best friend Susan Bones for company, unable to face Cedric at all. It never occurred to her that all the other girls had the same problem.

By now, most of Hufflepuff House were used to Hannah’s outbursts and periods of paranoia. Susan, by now a hardened veteran, could even smile at Hannah’s ramblings. Not even Professor Sprout was worried.

Until one day near Halloween.

It was a typical day at lunch for the Hufflepuff table. Most were gamely wondering what had happened to those delicious burgers and sausages they had been eating a few weeks back. No one knew all the meat salvaged from the dead Basilisk was gone. They also didn’t know they had been eating Basilisk. Hannah and Susan were sitting with Ernie Macmillan and Justin Finch-Fletchley at one end of the table, poking at shepherd’s pie. Hannah detested shepherd’s pie.

“Why do I have to eat this?” she asked.

“Because it’s all they have,” Justin said, picking the hamburger from his pie and putting it aside on a napkin.

“It’s so gross,” Hannah complained. “Hamburger, mashed potatoes, and corn are all very well and good, so long as they’re separated. But when you mix them together -” she wrinkled her nose and tossed a blonde pigtail over her shoulder. “Eurgh.”

“It’s only shepherd’s pie,” Ernie said with a shrug, shoveling it down like there was no tomorrow.

“It’s like the - the - the rat poison of all foods!” Hannah declared, pressing the back of her hand to her forehead in a dramatic gesture. Susan rolled her eyes. Another one of Hannah’s famous acts was coming on.

“I can’t stand it! It’s like eating slop!” Hannah continued in a loud, carrying voice. People all around the Hall were turning to stare. “The mashed potatoes are just so warm and runny - I can’t even begin to describe what disgusting things they remind me of -”

Ernie looked down at his plate and pushed it away in a hurry.

“And the corn! It’s so old and tough. My brother was right! They just take the yellow, old teeth from the bins at the dentists’ and tell you that it’s corn!” Hannah shrieked. “And the hamburger! It’s so chewy! I bet it isn’t meat at all! It’s just all the fat and gristle wadded into little bits!!”

Susan jumped up, clamped a hand over Hannah’s mouth, and dragged her from the Great Hall. That put an end to her shepherd’s pie ramblings, but it also put an end to everyone’s appetites as well.

It also made a lot of work for Filch, as many people had to hurry to the bathroom after reflecting on Hannah’s declaration. Not all of them made it in time.

Eurgh.

Disturbing Sights

2009-10-05T14:44:00.002-04:00

Chapter 39 - Disturbing Sights

Transfiguration.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione were copying notes from the board. Sixth year meant the advent of human Transfiguration, and Professor McGonagall was determined to prepare them as much as possible to guard against accidents. (Of course, given some members of the class, accidents were imminent.)

While the class scribbled, Professor McGonagall was sitting dreamily at her desk. McGonagall looking dreamy was quite an occurrence. No one had ever seen her look that way before. She wasn’t the dreamy type.

Hermione was the first to finish copying the board, and sat back while waiting for everyone else to catch up. She squinted at McGonagall. The professor was gazing down at a small, gold-framed photograph. Hermione would have needed a telescope to see who was featured in the photograph.

Then it hit her. True, McGonagall was almost eighty, but she must have a husband or a sweetheart somewhere. Why else would she be gazing so lovingly at a photo?

Everyone else had, by now, finished copying the notes, and were waiting for McGonagall to put up more notes as soon as the last quill stopped scratching, but she wasn’t moving. They all waited. And waited. And waited.

Finally, Hermione cleared her throat. “Erm - Professor?”

McGonagall jumped, and stuffed the framed photograph under a pile of parchment. “Yes, Miss Granger?”

“Um... we’re done the notes.”

“Oh - right.” McGonagall tapped the board sharply with her wand, and the class went about copying the new notes. McGonagall returned to staring at her picture.

The entire lesson went this way. Finally, the bell rang, the class heaving a sigh of relief. They had had quite enough of McGonagall’s attitude. It was tres creepy.

But Hermione was still thinking hard. Who could it possibly be in that photo?? She didn’t think it was a Mr. McGonagall, since Professor McGonagall wore no wedding ring. Still, it could be a secret crush.... She confided in Harry and Ron, but regretted it almost instantly. The two boys decided it would be a great idea to snoop around and see if they could get a glimpse of the picture.

“You aren’t supposed to do this!” Hermione hissed at them as they tiptoed back into McGonagall’s empty classroom. “You’re invading a teacher’s privacy! You could get detention for this!!”

“Shhhh,” Harry and Ron hissed back. Harry eased open the top drawer of McGonagall’s desk.

“Bingo!” He drew out the gold-framed picture. Ron and Hermione leaned forward curiously.

It was a picture of Dumbledore. But that wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was the signature: “To Minerva, the sexiest professor I’ve ever laid eyes on in a century and a half. From your love-muffin, Albie.”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione fainted.

Parvati's Wardrobe Disaster

2009-10-05T14:42:00.001-04:00

Chapter 38 - Parvati’s Wardrobe Disaster

Parvati Patil had the distinction of being the most fashion-conscious person in all of Hogwarts. She could keep track of all the latest fashions and styles even better than devoted Quidditch fans could keep track of their favourite players. Professor McGonagall often commented that if Parvati paid as much attention to her lessons as she did to clothes, she would have power to rival even Dumbledore’s.

To which Parvati often responded: “I’d have even better dress sense, too!” Not that she thought Dumbledore dressed very badly. In fact, she thought he had the most amazing robes out of all the rest of her teachers (Professor Lupin, though he was very kind and had a wonderful personality, was low on her list of favourites simply because he dressed like a transient).

As you can see, clothes were the biggest part of Parvati’s life. Planning her outfits consumed most of her waking moments. It was sad.

So you can see why Parvati woke up one morning in October in tears.

For a month and a half, she had had no choice but to wear the same stupid outfit every day - white blouse, grey jumper, grey skirt, grey socks, black loafers, black robes, and a scarlet-and-gold-striped tie.

Every day. For the past five years, it was what she wore day after day. And she would continue to wear it for another year, nine months, and seventeen days. The summer holidays, with their wealth of tank tops and tiny skirts and cute sandals, seemed impossibly far off. Parvati burst into tears.

The other girls in the dorm were startled. They rushed over to comfort her. But they were all wearing the horrible uniforms, and Parvati shrieked and covered her eyes. It wasn’t until Hermione forced her to drink some Calming Draught that Parvati could finally speak.

“I’m so tired of those stupid uniforms!” she cried, waving her hand in the general direction of Hermione and Lavender. “They’re so - so - UGLY!”

“I hate them too,” Lavender said soothingly. “But it’s not that bad. You can spice them up with a new hair ribbon or some funky jewelry.”

“But I hate grey,” Parvati sniffled. “And last time I tried that, McGonagall told me to take that ‘ridiculous thing’ out of my hair.” She looked sorrowfully at the large, sparkly, turquoise plastic butterfly which now spent its life clipped to the headboard of her bed. Poor butterfly.

“No one yells at Looney Lovegood to stop wearing those radish earrings,” Lavender said. “You could try wearing funky earrings to class.”

Parvati brightened. “OKAY!” She dived under her bed and pulled out a huge piece of Styrofoam with earrings poked into it. Hermione backed away. It looked like Parvati had cleaned out every earring display in Britain.

That day was quite an adventure. The boys kept shooting things through the giant hoops Parvati had decided on. Finally she took them off, just to stop Ron wondering loudly if he could fit a melon through them.

But she still hated her uniform. It was just so... boring. The next day she wore a Hawaiian shirt over her uniform, instead of her robes. But Ron, who was sitting behind her in Transfiguration, complained so loudly about being blinded by the shirt that Professor McGonagall made Parvati take the shirt off and put it in her bag.

The day after that, she tried platform sandals, but then Ron started making scathing remarks about lifts and stilts.

The day after that, she wore leopard-print tights, which prompted Ron to ask in a loud voice how many animals died so that Parvati could look like a 70’s glam-rock reject off one of Sirius’ Flaming Creatures albums.

But Parvati finally realised how she could fix her wardrobe disaster.

She taped Ron’s mouth shut with Spellotape.

Shane N' Bake

2009-10-05T14:40:00.001-04:00

Chapter 37 - Shake N’ Bake

Potions, again.

Everyone was heartily sick of Potions. Why were they still there after their O.W.L year?

No one knows. No one cares. Let’s just get on with the story, shall we?

Snape had set yet another nearly impossible potion. The Gryffindors and Slytherins were all bent busily over their cauldrons, stirring their concoctions. They had no idea what they were making - Snape had merely called it the ‘Yummy Potion’.

Yummy or not, Harry was damned if he was going to fall for that and taste it.

Hermione was beaming, as usual. Her potion was perfect, also as usual. It looked exactly the way Snape had said it would - brown and grainy.

Kind of like sand.

Harry cast looks around the dungeon. Other students had cauldrons filled with grainy brown stuff. Neville’s cauldron was now overflowing with what seemed to be bright pink cotton candy. Seamus was frowning at his potion, which was randomly spitting peanuts at him. And Ron was studying his own cauldron, which was filled with a yellow liquid. Harry himself had ended up with grainy white stuff. He had no idea what it was, or what had happened.

Snape clapped his hands together. “Very well. Each of you, fill a flask with a sample of your potion, label it with your name, and bring it up front to me. Then clean up.”

The class did as they were told, still perplexed. Not one person had the slightest clue of what the lesson had been about. When the bell rang, they filed out, muttering to one another under their breath.

Snape smiled. He went to his desk, opened a drawer, and withdrew a bowl filled with slices of chicken breast. He looked through the potions until he found Hermione’s, then poured it into the bowl. He put a cover on it, then shook the bowl energetically. When he laid the chicken out in a pan, it was neatly covered with bread crumbs.

“Ha ha,” he laughed, putting the chicken in his Easy Bake Oven. “I love this lesson. I’ll just have to remember not to eat Weasley’s or Longbottom’s.”

Every single flask of grainy things was actually a flask of Shake N’ Bake.

Draco Malfoy, Uber-Genius

2009-10-05T14:39:00.000-04:00

Chapter 36 - Draco Malfoy, Uber-Genius

Draco Malfoy hated Harry Potter.

Everyone in the school knew that. Everyone in England knew that. Hell, everyone in the world knew that.

Consequently, Draco spent a lot of his free time sitting around staring into space, plotting ways to get rid of Harry. His constant cronies, Crabbe and Goyle, sat with him while he plotted, but since they had the intelligence of a chickpea, they weren’t much help.

Wait.

That’s unfair to the chickpea.

Since Crabbe and Goyle were stupider than a chickpea, they weren’t much help. Mostly they cackled foolishly at Draco’s suggestions, like Beavis and Butt-head.

On one sunny morning day, Draco arose to face the unhappy prospect of Care of Magical Creatures class, taught by that great oaf Hagrid and accompanied by Potter and the rest of the loathsome Gryffindors. All through breakfast he sulked; finally he looked up from his porridge and treacle and glared across the Great Hall at Harry’s back.

“I wish I could get rid of Potter,” he stated. Crabbe and Goyle chuckled stupidly, because they had at least learned this comment heralded another one of Draco’s long discussions about how to make Hogwarts a Potter-free school.

“I know!” Draco said, his grey eyes lighting up with malice. “I could Transfigure him into an icky bug of some kind, and SQUISH him!”

“But Draco,” said Pansy Parkinson, who had just arrived, “You’re afraid of bugs, remember?”

“Right.” Draco blushed. “Okay. I could turn him into a mouse, and Filch’s cat would EAT him!”

“That won’t work,” Warrington grunted. “Potter’s the best in the school at Defense Against the Dark Arts - well, Dumbledore says so anyway - he’d just block your curse, or something.”

“Oh.” Draco looked crestfallen. “All right. Then...” he paused to think, chewing thoughtfully on some figgy toast. “I could.... break his broomstick and make him cry, then he’d run out into the lake and get eaten by the giant squid....”

“No,” Pansy said. “The giant squid doesn’t eat people.”

“And Firebolts are almost impossible to break,” Draco agreed. He frowned as they rose from the table and headed to the entrance hall. “Maybe I could just call him a mean name and make him cry!” he said happily, reaching the same conclusion he always did. “I’ll call him... a big, stinky poo-poo head!” Cackling wildly, he ran down the front steps.

Pansy rolled her eyes. “Stinky poo-poo head? Is he still five years old?” But she was speaking to thin air. Crabbe and Goyle had stumbled off after Draco. Pansy sighed, watching the three Slytherins grow smaller as they raced down to Hagrid’s hut. “It’s always the same thing.”

As she followed, the cry rang across the school grounds : “I AM THE BEST! DRACO MALFOY, UBER-GENIUS!”

Mmm... Slanty

2009-10-03T14:27:00.000-04:00

Chapter 35 - Mmm...Slanty

It was a well-known fact that Sirius Black loved tilting his chair. It never mattered if he was pleased, happy, or annoyed - he’d just tilt his chair. He used to put his feet up on the table, too, but Remus and Molly frowned down on this severely. He had been beaten (almost literally) out of the habit by his lycanthropic lover.

Anyone could see who was running that relationship. (See ‘Order of the Phoenix’, page 90, and you’ll see that Sirius is totally whipped.)

Anyway. Sirius liked to tilt his chair.

He was getting annoyed glances from everyone in the kitchen at the moment, because his chair was squeaky. Dumbledore was trying to give a speech concerning the latest activities of the Death Eaters, but Sirius’ squeaky, tilty chair was quite distracting.

“And Lucius Malfoy has -”

SQUEAK.

“I said, Lucius Malfoy has -”

SQUEAK.

“AS I WAS SAYING!” Dumbledore roared, and Sirius’ chair dropped back onto four legs with a bang. “Thank you.... Now, Lucius Malfoy has escaped from Azkaban.... but since the dementors are no longer under Ministry control, he could just walk out the door.... Kingsley, I believe you acquired those reports on the escape for us?....”

“Yes, sir.” Kingsley pulled a roll of parchment from his robes and unrolled it. It stretched almost the entire length of the table. Everyone leaned forward for a look.

SQUEAK.

Heads swiveled. Sirius giggled nervously and sweatdropped, one hand behind his head. “Sorry....”

“As you can see, Fudge has had some of the parts omitted from the papers...”

Sirius shifted. SQUEAK.

Collective glare.

“Sorry....”

“Well, we knew Fudge wouldn’t want the Ministry to look completely incompetent,” Bill sighed.

Sirius snorted derisively and tilted his chair back. SQUEAK.

Crunkled-up balls of parchment hit him in the head. “Sorry!”

“Stop tilting your chair!” Molly hissed.

“I can’t help it. I’m comfy....”

“Shut up.”

SQUEAK.

“It wasn’t me!” Sirius quailed as the rest of the Order glared at him. He stood up and looked under his chair. “Ah, I see...”

He pulled something out. It was Crookshanks’ squeaky rubber mouse. Sirius put it on the table and smiled. “See? I must have been rocking on that. I’ve solved the mystery! And to celebrate, I’m going to tilt my chair. Mmm, slanty.” He sat down and tilted his chair.

SQUEAK.

Moody’s magical eye clonked him on the head and knocked him unconscious.

Boom, Baby

2009-10-03T14:26:00.000-04:00

Chapter 34 - Boom, Baby

It was time for Charms.

(“Frosted Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious.”)

Professor Flitwick was going to be teaching an advanced charm today, the Warding Charm, which was similar to the Shield Charm. He demonstrated, after a long discussion concerning its theory and effects (only Hermione seemed to understand fully), and the class had divided into pairs. Seamus Finnigan was partnered, as per usual, with his best friend Dean Thomas.

“Okay,” Dean said. “I’ll try and hit you with something stupid - Flipendo - and you try the Warding Charm. One - two - three - Flipendo!”

Seamus raised his wand. “Wardius!”

KABOOOOOOOM!

Seamus’ wand exploded in a shower of silver sparks and a purple cloud that smelled of rotten eggs. He coughed, dropping it, as the rest of the class screamed and ran to cower in the corners of the room. When the smoke cleared, Seamus saw Professor Flitwick standing beside him, coughing.

“What happened, Mr. Finnigan?” he asked squeakily.

“I don’t know!” Seamus said in despair. “I did everything right, sir, but it all blew up in my face!”

Their next class was Potions. The Gryffindors entered reluctantly, looking very unhappy. Snape glared holes into Harry before setting the day’s lesson, another kind of Sleeping Potion. Seamus and Dean got to work.

“How many chizpurfle carapaces do we need?” Seamus asked.

“Four,” Dean said, squinting up at the instructions on the board. “Yeah, four.”

“Okay.” Seamus shook four chizpurfle carapaces out of their bag, and dropped them into the potion.

KABOOOOOOOM!!

Potion sprayed in every direction, splashing the classroom with pink goo. Everybody shrieked in disgust and ran for the sink, while Snape strode towards Dean and Seamus, looking livid.

“Who did this?”

Dean pointed at Seamus. Seamus glared at his so-called best friend.

“Detention, Finnigan,” Snape said silkily. “And you, too, Thomas. Nobody likes a tattletale.”

Finally, they escaped Potions for lunch. Dean was mad at Seamus, and at Snape, and ate while glaring up at the staff table. Grumbling and grousing, Seamus reached for the ketchup to put on his burgers (which no one yet knew were made of Basilisk meat).

KABOOOOM!!!!

Werewolf PMS

2009-10-03T14:25:00.001-04:00

Chapter 33 - Werewolf PMS

“SIRI! I WANT CHOCOLATE!”

“Yes, love,” Sirius whimpered pathetically. He scurried over to the cupboard and rummaged through it to find something chocolately.

At the table, the Order members were cowering. It was the day before the full moon, and Remus was NOT reacting well. His eyes were yellow instead of hazel, he kept drumming his fingers on every available surface, and he wasn’t at all the mild-mannered professor they knew so well.

“Here you go, darling,” Sirius said nervously, putting an enormous bowl of chocolate ice cream in front of his lover. “Eat up.”

“About time, slowpoke,” Remus snarled, grabbing his spoon and digging in.

“Remus, don’t you think that’s a little... much?” Mrs. Weasley spoke up bravely.

Remus shot her a glare that could have melted steel, and kept shoveling ice cream into his mouth. Mrs. Weasley clammed up.

It would have taken the bravest person in the world to stand up to Remus as he was right now. Sirius had warned them about what happened to Remus in the days immediately before and after the full moon. He became very, VERY cranky, ate nothing but chocolate and Wolfsbane, and.... “Well, I won’t say what else,” he said sheepishly. Given the amount of noise coming from their bedroom the previous night and the bandaids and scratches all over Sirius’ arms, the others had a shrewd idea what else went on.

Sirius’ term for this behaviour was ‘werewolf PMS’.

Remus finished his ice cream. “SIRI!”

“Yes, sugar?” Sirius said, trembling visibly from head to toe. It was fun to see him so whipped by Remus, who was usually the submissive, gentle half of the relationship.

“I want more chocolate!”

“But - oh - love - you ate it all, there’s nothing left....”

Remus’ yellow eyes flashed dangerously, and his fingers drummed faster. “Well? Go GET me some!”

“Here, Remus,” Tonks said hastily. She handed over a pile of Chocolate Frogs while her cousin fled to the pantry to look for more chocolatey things. Remus immediately went about unwrapping the Chocolate Frogs and biting off their heads.

Sirius returned carrying a large chocolate cake, looking enormously relieved. He set it down in front of the cranky werewolf (who had eaten all his Frogs) and handed him a fork. “Eat up.”

“Took you long enough,” Remus snapped. He dug into the cake. The others felt very sorry for Sirius, who looked very downhearted.

In ten minutes, the cake was gone. Remus glared at the empty plate and stood. Fierce yellow eyes flashed in Sirius’ direction. “SIRI! SEX! NOW!”

“Yes, love,” Sirius said meekly. He got up and followed his lover, glancing apologetically back at the others. “Sorry... we’ll be back....”

“Good luck,” Bill gulped.

“If I die -”

“SIRIUS!”

“Coming, darling!”

An embarrassed silence followed. The members of the Order looked around, biting their nails, squirming uncomfortably. No one seemed to know what to say. And when loud shrieks and moans sounded from upstairs, they all blushed darker.

“I think I left Mum in the oven,” Tonks mumbled, grabbing her bright pink cloak and dashing from the house.

“My meatloaf’s calling me,” Kingsley nodded in agreement, following her.

The rest of the Order followed, slamming the door behind them. Mrs. Black’s portrait began to scream, but even she couldn’t drown out the noise from upstairs.

Remus finally let Sirius up, and fell asleep immediately.

Sirius moaned. He wouldn’t be able to get out of bed tomorrow morning, that was for sure.

“I hate full moons,” he whimpered.

Basilisk Burgers

2009-10-03T14:24:00.002-04:00

Chapter 32 - Basilisk Burgers

Lunch was unusually good today.

It was burgers.

“Boy, these are really good,” Ron said, taking a third burger.

“Yeah, they are,” Hermione agreed. “The house-elves always make good food, but this is fantastic!”

“I could eat these for every meal,” said Harry happily.

“They are great,” Ginny added. “I wonder where they got these cows.”

“There is a kind of beef in Japan that’s supposed to be the best in the world,” Hermione piped up. “It’s called Kobe beef, and the cows are fed on beer and given massages...” She took another burger, her brow creased. “But it’s also the most expensive beef in the world. I don’t know if the school could afford it...”

“Well, it’s delicious,” Harry said happily, biting into his burger. “I’ve got to find out what these are, so I can get Sirius to buy it. Even if it’s Kobe beef, he can afford it. He’s filthy, stinking rich.”

“Emphasis on filthy and stinking,” Ron joked, by now on his sixth burger. “Just kidding, Harry,” he said, noting the look on his best friend’s face.

All across the Great Hall, people were talking about how good the burgers were. No one knew what they could be made of. Even the Slytherins couldn’t stop smiling as they chowed down. The most surprising thing was that even Snape was eating like a hungry wolf. The burgers disappeared like magic, but there seemed to be no end to them.

Everyone stuffed themselves until they couldn’t possibly eat any more. As they trudged heavily off to classes, Professor McGonagall stood up and placed a hand on Dumbledore’s shoulder.

“Albus, those burgers were delicious! Do you know what they’re made of?”

Dumbledore smiled. “Indeed I do, Minerva. But I cannot divulge that information. It’s a top-secret recipe, and I promised the house-elves that I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

Meanwhile, in the Chamber of Secrets, the house-elves had just finished de-boning the last of the dead Basilisk.

“The burgers were a hit,” Dobby squeaked. “We’ll use the last of the Basilisk meat to make sausage for tomorrow’s breakfast!”

How I Spent My Summer Holiday

2009-10-03T14:22:00.002-04:00

Chapter 31 - How I Spent My Summer Holiday

For some absurd reason, Hogwarts was requiring everyone to write essays about their summer holidays. The first lesson of the new term was given over to this; the Gryffindors were assigned to sit in the Great Hall and write. The Slytherins did their essays in the entrance hall; Hufflepuffs, in the library; and Ravenclaws were lucky enough to work outside in the sunshine.

Harry wrote:

‘ It was a horrible holiday. I went to stay with my godfather Sirius and his boyfriend Remus and we spent almost all our time cleaning his smelly old house. I couldn’t find a bathroom when I needed one, the pictures on the wall kept insulting me, and Sirius’ house-elf starved to death in a broom cupboard, but we didn’t care, because he was evil. Sirius and Remus scared me by telling me all about sex and now I’m never going to go near another person, ever. And when we went school shopping, I stepped on somebody’s chewed-up old gum.”’

Ron’s went like this:

‘My sister and I visited my friend at his godfather’s house. We went shopping for a microwave and my sister and I almost got arrested for blowing one up. We ate lots of Chef Boyardee’s Spaghetti and Meatballs and got sick. Then we cleaned Sirius’ billiards room and one of the balls hit me in the head, and Sirius said, “It’s just you, Monica,” and nobody knew what he was talking about. Hermione’s legs made my nose bleed. But mostly we just cleaned Sirius’ disgusting old house which smells funny, by the way. It was the worst summer ever.’

Ginny stated:

‘I’ve had better holidays. My brother and I blew up a microwave in a Muggle store, but it was by accident. Remus made us eat all the spaghetti and meatballs as a punishment. Hermione and I spent a lot of time dancing and we got Professor Snape drunk. Bill brought us doughnuts with sprinkles for breakfast and for some reason Sirius kept saying “It’s just you, Monica”. He’s too weird. Then Sirius got kidnapped by Parvati and Lavender and Padma. But mostly we had to clean Sirius’ grimy, yucky house. It smells like dog.’

And Hermione’s essay was eloquent and well-written:

‘How I Spent My Summer Holiday

An Essay by Hermione Granger

I spent my summer holiday with my friends at Sirius’ house. From morning until night, I worked on my homework and applied myself to my studies. While the others complained and groused, I helped Sirius and Remus clean the attic of Sirius’ house, which was really quite filthy. I taught Ginny how to dance, and Sirius took us out to eat. I also discovered several new formulas for Girding Potions...’

-Five rolls of parchment later-

‘...And I found my summer holiday to be quite productive and enjoyable. I can’t understand why no one else seemed to like their holiday... despite the fact I’ve still got dirt under my fingernails that won’t come out no matter how much I scrub, not even a Scouring Charm will do it.... and... DAMMIT! I can’t stand it anymore! I hated my summer!!! It was horrible! All we did was clean Sirius’ smelly, disgusting house and every night you could hear him and Remus having sex because the walls are so bloody THIN!!!!’

Hermione received an ‘Outstanding’ on her essay, and it was voted the World’s Most Interesting Summer Holiday Essay.

Her prize was a case of Mrs. Skower’s Magical Mess Remover.

Missing The Kids?

2009-10-02T21:41:00.000-04:00

Chapter 30 - Missing The Kids?

Remus led a sniffling Sirius into 12 Grimmauld Place. “There, there, now, love. It’s not so bad. You’ll see Harry again soon.”

Sirius pulled Remus close and nuzzled his neck. “Sure?” he whimpered pathetically.

“Of course I am,” Remus smiled. “And the Christmas holidays will be here before you know it - Harry will be home very soon.”

“Okay,” Sirius said happily. His hands came to rest on Remus’ butt. “I miss him.”

Remus squirmed. “I know you do -”

“I miss all of them,” Sirius said, nibbling at Remus’ earlobe.

“Me too,” Remus said breathlessly. “They’re... so nice.”

“And... yeah.” Sirius pulled off his shirt, then struggled with Remus’ buttons, finally losing his temper and ripping them off.

“So... smashing,” Remus agreed, burying his hands in Sirius’ hair.

His lover placed kisses down Remus’ neck. “What... were... we... talking... about?” he panted, in between kisses.

Remus moaned. “I have no idea....”

“I’m sure it was very lovely....”

“I suppose... oh, oh, Siri! Take me upstairs, now!”

“Not gonna make it,” Sirius gasped.

“Then do me right here!” Remus cried.

Several hot, sweaty hours later, Remus and Sirius were lying together in their bed. They had eventually made it to their room, but not before stopping to have sex in several random places - like the second-floor landing, the bathroom, and in the hallway in front of their bedroom door.

Remus rested his head against Sirius’ chest. “What were we talking about to get like this, love?” he inquired.

“Dunno,” Sirius said, his brow furrowed in concentration.

“Couldn’t have been too important,” Remus said, kissing Sirius lightly on the lips. “Up for another go?”

“You said it,” Sirius replied lazily, rolling over and pinning Remus under him. “We should figure out what we were talking about, and talk about it more often.”

“Agreed,” Remus sighed blissfully.

We Don't Need No Education

2009-10-02T21:40:00.000-04:00

Chapter 29 - We Don’t Need No Education

September first was a cloudy, grey day. Remus took charge of getting everything organized, right down to seats on the Underground to bring them to King’s Cross, so for once in their lives the Weasleys got to the station on time. There was a long, tearful farewell at Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, in which Harry, Sirius, and Remus hugged and cried; Mrs. Weasley hugged all the children at least three times. Then they boarded the train, leaning out the window to wave goodbye. Mrs. Weasley and Sirius burst into tears.

Hermione, Harry, Ron, and Ginny got themselves settled in a compartment and had just started a game of Exploding Snap when the door slid open to reveal Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan. Dean leaned over to kiss Ginny, whom he had begun dating at the end of last year.

“Hello, Dean,” Ginny giggled. “How was your holiday?”

“It wasn’t not bad,” Dean shrugged, as he and Seamus crowded in to sit down. Hermione twitched convulsively. Dean had the worst grammar of anyone she’d ever met. Harry was vividly remembering the time Dean had stated that his parents ‘didn’t know nothing about no deaths at Hogwarts’.

“Dean, double negatives,” Ginny said to him.

“It ain’t not.”

“Yes it is!” Hermione said. “I think you should take some grammar courses!”

“Oh, come on, Hermione,” Dean said, smiling charmingly. “I ain’t not that bad.”

“Yes you are,” Hermione grumbled. Seamus, however, was looking at his best friend in interest.

“She’s right, Dean. Sometimes you talk really weird. I never realised that.”

“How bad couldn’t I possibly be?” Dean wondered.

“Pretty bad,” everyone said in unison.

Dean scowled. “I don’t need no education.”

“Argh!” Hermione cried in despair. “Not again!”

“Dean! It’s - I don’t need AN education,” Ginny corrected him.

“I still ain’t not getting it,” Dean sighed.

“I wish Remus was here,” Harry muttered to Ron.

His best friend nodded vigorously. “Yeah. He’s the only teacher Dean ever listened to.”

“Hey!” Dean protested. “I listened to Moody, too! You can’t not tell me I don’t pay attention!”

Back To School Shopping

2009-10-02T21:39:00.001-04:00

Chapter 28 - Back To School Shopping

The end of the summer holidays was drawing near, and one day in the last week of August, an owl arrived at 12 Grimmauld Place bearing booklists.

“That time of the year already,” Sirius sighed on the Underground (Ron and Remus had refused to set foot on the Knight Bus). “Back to school. Seems like the holidays just flew by, am I right?”

Being stuck at Grimmauld Place, even though they sometimes got out for some fresh air, had been not fun at all, and the holidays had certainly not flown by. But the kids just nodded, so as not to make Sirius and Remus feel bad. They had, of course, tried their best to make the children happy and comfortable. If only they had a better house, Harry reflected, they would be the best surrogate parents in the world.

They got off the train and walked a few blocks to the Leaky Cauldron. Remus pulled Sirius through the pub before the bottles behind the bar could tempt him, and they went out back and tapped the third brick from the left above the dustbins, opening the entrance to Diagon Alley.

“All right! What’s the first thing on the lists?” Remus asked cheerfully.

“Books!” Hermione shouted. She and Remus giggled, grabbed each other by the hand and dashed off to Flourish and Blotts’, leaving the others to follow at a more leisurely pace. Remus and Hermione loved nothing better than going to libraries and bookshops, looking for things they hadn’t read before. But knowing how much those two read, it was amazing there were any books left untouched.

The bookshop was crowded with Hogwarts students, and Sirius felt a trifle claustrophobic. He leaned against the wall beside the door and waited for his lover and the children.

“Mr. Black!”

A voice at his elbow made him jump. He looked down to see two Indian-looking twin girls and another girl with long, light brown hair standing beside him, looking adoringly up at him. He gulped. They were very familiar.

“Er - can I help you, ladies?” he asked.

“You’re so hot!” one of the twins cooed. Sirius remembered them now - they were the same girls who had been drooling over him at the train station and the ice cream shoppe.

“Er.... thanks...” Sirius began backing away from them. “I’m... argh!!!” He turned and bolted.

“After him!” Parvati cried. She, Padma, and Lavender chased after Sirius. His waist-length black hair made him easily visible in the crowd.

“Arrrghh!” Sirius ducked into his nearest refuge, Weasleys’ Wizarding Wheezes. Fred and George looked up from the counter, where they were waiting on several customers.

“What’s wrong, Sirius, mate?” George asked, concerned.

“Hide me!” Sirius cried. He tried to crawl behind the counter. “Hide me, they’re after me!”

“Who? The dementors?” Fred asked.

“No! Rabid, drooling fangirls!” Sirius wailed. But before he could say anything else, the door burst open and Parvati, Lavender, and Padma stood in the doorway.

“There you are!” they shrieked, running forward and grabbing Sirius by the arms. They pulled him kicking and screaming to the door, while the twins and their customers stared.

“Remmie!” Sirius yelled, catching sight of his lover in the crowded street. “Help me!”

“Accio mate!” Remus cried, and Sirius found himself flying out of the girls’ grasp and landing (albeit painfully) beside his lover.

“Now, girls, you know he’s taken,” Remus reprimanded lightly.

“Booo,” Sirius’ fan club replied.

Who Likes Short Shorts?

2009-10-02T21:36:00.002-04:00

Chapter 27 - Who Likes Short Shorts?

Hermione and Ginny were dancing in their room. The Muggle radio beside Hermione’s bed was playing a ridiculous song, something about Barbie girls. Both girls were dressed in halter tops and very short shorts - naturally, since it was August.

There was a knock on the door. Harry popped his head in. “Girls, it’s -” he stopped at the sight of his friends dancing, and his nose suddenly gushed blood. He ran off, slamming the door behind him.

A few moments later, Ron stuck his head in. “Have you seen Har-” He stared at Hermione’s legs for a few seconds. Then his nose started to bleed, and he dashed off.

Several minutes later, Sirius entered the room. “Ginny, Hermione, it’s almost -” He stopped, stared, and began to drool. A thin stream of blood trickled from one nostril, and he turned and fled.

Still completely oblivious to all the bleeding males running from their room, Hermione and Ginny continued to dance as a Spice Girls song replaced the Barbie girl one. Crookshanks jumped from bed to bed, meowing happily.

Bill pushed open the door. “Gin, Hermione, Mum says supper -” His eyes widened and he cut himself off. His nose began to bleed, and off he went.

Several minutes later, Remus was sitting in the kitchen amid several males with nosebleeds. Fred, George, Charlie, Mundungus, and Kingsley had also fallen victim to - well, to whatever was upstairs that would cause a nosebleed. They wouldn’t tell Remus what it was, and he knew the second floor certainly didn’t qualify as high enough altitudes to cause nosebleeds. But he also knew that it was suppertime, and Hermione and Ginny were nowhere to be seen. Heaving a sigh, Remus got up and headed upstairs, ignoring the others as they stuck wads of tissue up their noses.

He knocked on the girls’ bedroom door. A radio was playing inside. He opened the door to find Hermione and Ginny dancing to a silly song. They didn’t seem to hear what he was saying. He reached over and switched off the radio. “Girls!”

Hermione and Ginny stopped dancing. “Hello Remus,” Hermione said, as they smoothed their mussed hair. Ginny caught Crookshanks as he tried to leap across the beds again.

“It’s time for supper,” Remus smiled.

As they headed downstairs, he commented, “Is there any reason why coming up here should cause nosebleeds?”

Both girls looked puzzled. “No, why?”

“Everyone who came to come and get you has a nosebleed,” Remus said. “I wonder why?”

And they headed down to supper, only to find that every tissue in the house was gone, and every man in the house (except Remus) ate while staring at the ceiling.

Perverts.

Birds And Bees

2009-10-02T21:35:00.000-04:00

Chapter 26 - Birds And Bees

Harry Potter had a problem.

Well, not really a problem, but something was bothering him greatly. After his misadventures in romance at school, he was beginning to become curious - what were girls like? What went on in their heads? And more importantly - what about sex? No one had ever filled him in on the facts of life. Uncle Vernon never would have done it, and Hogwarts, unlike Muggle schools, did not teach sex education. There was no one else he could ask, seeing as Ron didn’t have the slightest clue either, and Fred and George were most likely to make up stories.

However, he had Sirius. Harry didn’t know how much a gay man could help him on the topic of girls; but he decided to give it a shot. He must know something.

So Harry summoned up all his courage one night and went to talk to his godfather. The others didn’t even ask where he was going; Hermione, Ginny, and Ron were absorbed in a riveting game of Scrabble and didn’t look like they’d be moving any time soon. Harry headed upstairs to his godfather’s bedroom. The door was shut, and he knocked.

“Come in.” Harry pushed open the door to find Sirius sprawled out on the bed, sucking on a Licorice Wand. Remus was curled up in an armchair, an enormous book open on his lap.

“Sirius... I wanted to ask you something.” Harry said, feeling very uncomfortable.

“What is it?” Sirius sat up and patted the bed, inviting Harry to join him. Harry sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, wondering exactly how to word his question. He glanced from Sirius to Remus, who had shut his book and was watching them curiously.

“Er - well...” Harry fidgeted and picked at a stray thread hanging from his sleeve. “I wanted to ask you... if... if you knew where... well...”

“Knew what?” Sirius asked, looking puzzled. Harry took a deep breath.

“If you knew where babies came from,” Harry said very quickly, blushing beet red.

He was surprised to see both men turn beet red as well. Remus and Sirius looked at each other nervously; a bead of sweat ran down Sirius’ cheek.

“Erm... Harry... well...” Sirius looked uneasy, and he pulled at his collar. “The thing about that is... er, well... Remmie, help!”

“He’s your godson,” Remus protested. “It’s your job to tell him!”

“Er....” Sirius looked very unsettled. “I’ll try... well, Harry... when a doggie loves a wolfie very much...”

His lover elbowed him. “I think he wants to know about straight sex....”

“Right... okay...” Sirius sighed. “Um, er... okay... when a man and a woman love each other very much, they... er... Remmie, don’t you have a book on this?!”

“No...”

Harry squirmed. “Well, can’t we just... buy one?”

“Can’t we?” Sirius asked Remus anxiously.

“Oh.... honestly,” Remus sighed. “You two are ridiculous. Harry, when a man and a woman love each other very much...”

-Forty minutes later-

“... And that’s where babies come from,” Remus finished.

Harry and Sirius looked very ill.

“Remmie... did we have to hear the very graphic description of the birthing process?” Sirius managed weakly. “That was... ew...”

Harry nodded vigorously. “I think I’m off girls forever,” he said unhappily. “Gay sex can’t possibly be as gross, can it?”

“Nah,” Sirius said, with a grin. “It’s the best, especially when -”

-Ten minutes later-

“Now you’ve done it,” Remus snapped. “You’ve scarred him for life.”

Harry was in the bathroom down the hall. They could hear him retching.

“Guess he’ll be celibate for the rest of his life, then,” Sirius shrugged. “At least we won’t have any illegitimate little godbabies running around....”

It's Just You, Monica

2009-09-30T08:09:00.000-04:00

Chapter 25 - It’s Just You, Monica

It was breakfast time.

Bill had joined Sirius, Remus, Harry, Hermione, and his youngest siblings for breakfast that morning, bringing along a large box of pink-frosted doughnuts with multicoloured sprinkles as a treat. The doughnuts were just about the most colourful thing in the kitchen. A bit sad, really.

As they all sat around, munching on doughnuts (though Remus, in a vain attempt to be a good parental figure and be sure everyone got some proper nutrition, made them have glasses of milk and bananas with them), Bill was telling them about funny stories that had happened at work.

But the problem was, they weren’t very funny. At least, nobody got the point. They were the kind of stories that you found funny only if you had been there. Finally, Bill noticed he was the only one laughing.

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you laughing?” he asked.

Sirius shrugged. “It’s just you, Monica.”

After breakfast, they all paraded up to the fourth floor to start decontaminating the rooms up there. They started in the billiards room, where they had to battle the billiard balls, which flew around the room and tried to attack them, like miniature Bludgers, as soon as they set foot in the room. After defeating the balls, they had to battle a group of doxies which had been hiding in the cabinet housing the cues. It was an all-out war, one thing in the room attacking them after another.

Finally, everything had been defeated. With a collective sigh, everyone slumped to the ground.

One of the billiard balls rolled off the table and clonked Ron on the head.

“Ow! Dammit! Why me?” Ron cursed, putting the ball back on the billiards table.

“It’s just you, Monica,” Sirius replied.

It took nearly three hours to clean the dust and grime off the furniture, walls, and floor. But in the end, the only thing that needed help was the billiard table, which looked like it needed professional cleaning. Harry, Hermione, Sirius, Remus, and the Weasleys went back downstairs for a wash and lunch.

While they were eating, Crookshanks came wandering in. He had a pile of mail in his mouth - apparently the owls had delivered while they were all upstairs. He jumped up on everyone one by one and deposited their mail in their laps. Last to receive his mail was Harry - he got a ‘special offers!’ discount coupon book from Fred and George for their joke shop, and the latest edition of The Quibbler, courtesy of Luna Lovegood, who had signed him up for a free subscription in thanks for doing such a widely-read interview.

The main headline on the Quibbler’s front cover read : ‘Harry Potter : Reincarnation of Merlin?! ‘, and was illustrated by a very bad cartoon of Harry dressed in elaborate robes. Harry moaned. He hated any publicity that made him look bad - and becoming the subject of wild theories and being featured in The Quibbler was bad enough.

“Why me?” he moaned.

“It’s just you, Monica,” Sirius answered.

And so it continued on all day, until everyone was heartily sick of hearing Sirius say, ‘It’s just you, Monica’ over and over again. Finally, everyone just stopped talking.

At least, until Remus and Sirius climbed into bed that night. Remus was truly exhausted after a day of cleaning, even more so with the advent of the full moon, which was in two days. All he wanted to do was sleep. Sirius, however, had other plans.

“C’mon, Remmie...”

“Not tonight, love... I’m tired.”

“Ohhh, come on...” Sirius licked Remus’ cheek.

“No, Sirius!”

“But Remmie! I want sex!”

“NO, SIRIUS!” Remus yelled, loud enough for the whole house to hear.

Sirius pouted. “Why me?”

There was a pause. Then -

“IT’S JUST YOU, MONICA!” everyone yelled.

Delivery!

2009-09-30T08:08:00.003-04:00

Chapter 24 - Delivery!

A knock sounded on Snape’s front door. He hastened to answer it.

Not really. But he got there eventually.

“Who’s there?” he asked grumpily.

“Delivery!” a familiar voice said. It sounded like Black.

“What kind of delivery?” Snape asked suspiciously.

“Um....” Black obviously hadn’t been expecting this. Snape smirked. He could almost hear the rusty wheels in Black’s head trying to turn. “Flowers?”

“I didn’t order any flowers,” Snape snapped.

There was a long pause. Then Black said again, “Delivery!”

“What KIND of delivery?”

“Package!”

“I’m not EXPECTING a package!!”

Another pause. “Er.... delivery?”

“WHAT KIND OF DELIVERY?!”

“Um - cheese!”

“I didn’t ORDER any cheese,” Snape yelled.

“Oh, this is government cheese. You don’t need to order it.”

“Get out of here, Black!”

There was another long pause. Snape was about to go back to his business when Black called for the fourth time, “Delivery!”

That was it! Snape wrenched open the door. A flaming paper bag was sitting on the porch, Black nowhere to be seen. Snape sighed. It was such an old, baby prank.

He put the flaming bag out with his wand and went back inside, slamming the door hard enough that the ‘No Solicitors’ sign beside the door went tumbling into the shrubs.

Sirius, Harry and Ron peeked out from behind a tree and pouted.

“I suppose we should have remembered he’s a wizard before we did it,” Harry sighed.

“Mmhm,” Sirius and Ron agreed.

But it turned out all right. Since the ‘No Solicitors’ sign had fallen down, soon a horde of salesmen converged on the house and started ringing the doorbell incessantly.

D’oh.

That's A Pretty Big Bug, Part 2

2009-09-30T08:08:00.001-04:00

Chapter 23 - That’s A Pretty Big Bug, Part 2

Draco Malfoy had a problem.

Another big, icky problem.

But this one was a thousand times bigger and ickier.

A truly gigantic spider was sitting in the sink.

It stared at him. Draco stared back.

It crawled forward. Draco shrieked and fled. He dashed into the parlour and wedged himself between his father and mother, who were sitting on the sofa. “Mummy, Daddy!”

“What is it, sweetums?” Narcissa cooed. “Is something scaring my little Dracipoo?”

“There’s a big, icky spider in the sink!” Draco wept.

“There, there now. Mummy’ll get rid of that awful spider.” Narcissa got up and went into the kitchen. But a second later, she returned, quivering. “Luci!”

“What is it, lovey?”

“There’s a big, icky spider in the sink!” Narcissa wailed.

“I’ll get rid of it,” Lucius said bravely, striding into the kitchen. But he returned a few minutes later, trembling. “Bella!”

Bellatrix looked up from playing Nintendo. “What?”

“There’s a big, icky spider in the sink!”

“I’ll kill it,” Bellatrix sighed, pausing her game and going into the kitchen.

She stared at the spider. It stared back.

She turned on the water and washed it down the drain. Then she reached over and casually flipped the switch for the garbage disposal.

SPLOOT.

Black goo shot up from the sink and made a huge stain on the ceiling. Bellatrix smiled.

“All better,” she said cheerfully, returning to her video game.

The Expedition

2009-09-30T08:05:00.001-04:00

Chapter 22 - The Expedition

Luna Lovegood was in her element.

She and her father were in the mountains of Sweden, on an expedition to find a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. They had gotten a lovely sum of money from the Daily Prophet for their interview with Harry, and this expedition was what they had decided to spend it all on. So far, there had been no luck, even though they had been searching for almost a month. The local villagers in the places they stayed always rolled their eyes and dismissed it as nonsense when asked, but a few old-timers claimed there were Crumple-Horned Snorkacks up in the mountains.

If there was one thing that would make Luna’s next year at Hogwarts more enjoyable (especially since she was fast approaching O.W.L.s), it would be concrete evidence of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks to wave in everyone’s face, especially Hermione Granger’s. Hermione wasn’t a bad sort; in fact, Luna rather liked her. But she was quite hard-headed and unaccepting, and Luna wouldn’t mind bringing her down a peg. A whole peg!

“We’re doing great, Luna!” Mr. Lovegood waved frantically at her from a few feet ahead. “Let’s go, darling!”

“Coming, Daddy!” Luna said happily, scrambling over boulders to reach her father. He was loaded down with cameras and things, ready to document the Snorkacks as soon as they were found.

But they just couldn’t seem to find any. Though they came across a large herd of mountain goats, crossed paths with a couple of surly trolls (barely escaped that one), and narrowly missed being fried by a Swedish Short-Snout, there were no Snorkacks to be seen.

Luna and her father set up a tent in the woods that night, since they were far away from a town with an inn. Luna busied herself making eggs and bacon for supper, while her father put on his swimming trunks and went for a swim in the nearby lake (which was freezing cold; but Mr. Lovegood didn’t seem to mind).

It was a lovely night. It was almost worth it, not finding a Snorkack, Luna thought. At least if they didn’t manage to get proof of Snorkacks, she’d have a nice holiday in Sweden to tell her friends about. A meteor shower began around eleven, and Luna tried her best to take some pictures of it.

She had just set the camera down when there was some loud rustling in the bushes. Her father, who had started to doze off, sat up with a snort. “What was that?”

Out of the bushes came an enormous creature. It looked like a cross between a horse and a pig, with odd stripes running along its chunky body and big, silvery eyes. Two strangely-shaped, crumpled-looking horns protruded from above its eyes.

Luna and her father gasped. A Crumple-Horned Snorkack! At last! Luna reached for the camera and quickly snapped some pictures of the creature as it stood still, surprised.

“We did it! We did it!” Luna cheered, jumping up and down. Her father joined her, grabbing her hands and spinning her around. “Proof at last! Everyone will believe us now!”

CRUNCH.

The Lovegoods stopped dancing and whirled around. The Crumple-Horned Snorkack had stomped on their camera, breaking it into a trillion pieces.

“Shut up,” the Snorkack said, before turning and lumbering off into the night, leaving the Lovegoods to stare speechlessly after it.

Leather Trousers Of Doom

2009-09-30T08:03:00.001-04:00

Chapter 21 - Leather Trousers Of Doom

By the second month of the holidays, the constant drudgery of living at Grimmauld Place was beginning to wear at Harry and his friends. Desperate, they begged Remus and Sirius to take them out. Someplace, anywhere! It didn’t matter, as long as they could escape this dark, creepy house!

“Let’s go out to eat, then,” Sirius suggested. “We could get reservations at a really nice restaurant. My treat.”

The others greeted the idea with enthusiasm, and immediately ran upstairs to put on their best Muggle clothes.

After making reservations at a nice Muggle restaurant, Sirius and Remus headed upstairs to get changed as well. Remus put on a rather civilized dressy-shirt-nice-trousers-casual-jacket ensemble (the only clothes he seemed to own that weren’t tattered, frayed, or patched), but his lover seemed determined to scar the Muggles for life.

Granted, the burgundy silk shirt and black leather trousers he had chosen to wear were very nice, and would look fabulous on him. But the trousers were tight. Very tight. Skin-tight. So tight, Remus suspected Sirius would be talking in a voice three octaves higher than normal all night.

“Love -”

“Mmm?” Sirius had his shirt on, and was now sitting on the bed, pulling on his trousers. Or at least, trying to.

“Don’t you think those are a little.... tight?”

“What are you talking about?” Sirius grunted, pulling at the trousers. “I used to wear stuff tighter than this when we were kids. And you forget - thanks to Azkaban, I’m skinnier than I was back then.”

“That’s not a good thing,” Remus protested. “You were a twig back then!”

“Then I guess I’m a.... I dunno, something thinner than a twig,” Sirius muttered, slowly inching the trousers up his legs. He had almost gotten them up to his knees.

A knock sounded on the bedroom door. “Sirius, Remus! We’re all ready to go!” The kids sounded desperate.

Remus stuck his head out the door. Harry and Ron were dressed similarly to himself in nice trousers and shirts; Hermione was wearing a blue dress with a pleated skirt, and Ginny was dressed in a long black skirt and a glittery pink shirt. “You all look very nice,” he smiled. “We shouldn’t be too long. Siri’s just getting his trousers on.”

“Ack!” THUD.

“Are you okay, love?”

“No....” Sirius was lying flat on the floor, tugging vainly at the terrible trousers. “Help me!”

“Honestly...” Remus knelt on the floor and seized the waistband of the trousers. “One... two... three... PULL!”

Both men tugged, but the trousers barely moved. Remus blew his bangs out of his eyes in frustration. “Harry?” he called.

Harry poked his head around the door and winced at the sight of his half-dressed godfather lying on the floor with Remus’ hands on his trousers. As open as he was to their relationship and as glad as he was that they had each other, there were just some sights he’d never get used to seeing. “Yeah?”

“Run to the bathroom cupboard and fetch me the baby oil, please.”

Harry’s whole face was a question mark, but he ran for the oil anyway. He brought it back to Remus and stood back to watch with his friends (who were interested despite themselves).

“We’ll get these on,love,” Remus said cheerfully. “Turn around, please, children.”

They did as they were told, Ron sniggering behind his hands. As soon as their backs were turned, Remus uncapped the baby oil and poured some in his hands. He began rubbing it all over Sirius’ thighs, while his mate giggled helplessly.

“Ah! No! Remmie! Stop it, it tickles! Ahahahahaha! Ooh! Don’t go there, unless you want to miss dinner!”

“There,” Remus said, wiping his hands on a towel and seizing the waistband of the trousers. “Here we go!”

He pulled as hard as he could. The trousers slipped easily up Sirius’ legs. “Suck it in, love!” Remus cried. He tugged at the zipper as Sirius held his breath, finally doing up the button and sighing in relief. Sirius let out the breath he had been holding, and staggered to his feet (utilizing Remus and the bed as support).

“Those are the tightest trousers I’ve ever seen,” Harry stated flatly as they slowly made their way down the stairs (Sirius could barely bend his knees). He and Ron looked revolted, while Hermione and Ginny were blushing bright pink and stifling giggles behind their hands.

Fortunately, they reached the restaurant without incident and actually had a wonderful meal.

Except for Sirius.

His trousers were so tight, he couldn’t eat more than a bite of salad.

That's A Pretty Big Bug, Part 1

2009-09-28T22:05:00.002-04:00

Chapter 20 - That’s A Pretty Big Bug, Part 1

Draco Malfoy had a problem.

Quite a large problem, actually.

A disgusting, many-legged, hairy problem.

“Mum!” he shrieked. “There’s an icky bug in my room!”

Narcissa Malfoy came running into Draco’s room, a large flyswatter clutched in one hand. She was dressed in a frilly blue nightdress and had her blonde hair done up in rollers. She raised the flyswatter.

“Where is it, lovey? Tell Mummy!”

Draco pointed at the wall opposite his bed.

Narcissa shrieked and jumped into bed with him. “Lucius! There’s a big, icky bug in Draco’s room!”

Her husband came running in, with a can of bug spray clutched in one hand. He was wearing a dark red smoking jacket over an exquisite pair of black silk pajamas. He raised the can of spray.

“Where is it, darling? Tell Luci!”

Narcissa and Draco pointed.

Lucius shrieked like a woman and dived into bed with them. “Bella! There’s a big, icky bug in Draco’s room!”

Bellatrix entered, holding a large mallet. Her long black hair was loose and she was dressed in a long, black silk nightgown. She looked like the mother from the Addams Family, right down to her two-inch black fingernails. “Where?”

Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco pointed.

“Yuck.” Bellatrix wrinkled her nose and raised the mallet. “Stand back!”

The Malfoys pulled Draco’s blankets over their heads.

“DIEEEE!” Bellatrix shrieked, and smashed the big, icky bug with her mallet.

SQUISH.

Bits of bug flew all over, leaving a giant black splotch on the wall. Bellatrix beamed as her relatives emerged, quivering, from behind the blankets. “Much better.” She strolled off to bed.

“Better now, lovey?” Narcissa inquired.

Draco nodded happily. “Yes, Mummy.”

His parents kissed him and departed. Draco hugged his teddy bear to his chest. “Goodnight, Mr. Snugglekins.”

“Goodnight, Draco,” replied Mr. Snugglekins.

Department Store Follies

2009-09-28T22:03:00.001-04:00

Chapter 19 - Department Store Follies

Sirius Black was determined. He absolutely, positively, needed a microwave.

Why? Just in case he and Remus ever found a house.

So he had recruited Harry and Hermione, the experts on Muggle devices, to help him out. Remus had accompanied them, as had Ron and Ginny, who had never seen the inside of a Muggle department store. Sirius had been to one. Once. Lily had made the grand mistake of inviting Sirius and James to help her purchase a gift for her auntie’s birthday, and it had been just short of a disaster.

But Sirius wasn’t one to dwell on past mistakes. Concerning shopping, anyway.

So it was an odd group that entered the department store that day. Remus, who was very nervous around large groups of people (especially Muggles), had Sirius’ arm in a deathgrip. People kept taking second glances at Sirius, who wished he was a Metamorphmagi, as his long hair had them under the impression that he was a woman, at least until they saw his beard stubble. Hermione and Harry were very relaxed, almost bored; but of course, they were used to this. Ron and Ginny were very excited indeed, running around yelling things like, “Wizard! it’s purple!” and “Can you believe this thing? It costs three thousand pounds! How much is that in Galleons?”

“Guys, pipe down,” Harry hissed as heads swiveled. “Remember... Statute of Secrecy?”

“Right...”

But neither redhead could resist stopping every few seconds to closely examine things like DVDs, vacuum cleaners, and hair dryers.

Remus squeezed Sirius’ arm tighter. “Love.... I need to visit the loo.”

“I told you to go before we left the house!” Sirius scolded in an undertone.

“I did! But crowds make me nervous and... now I need to pee...”

“All right, all right... Harry... Hermione... keep your eyes on Ron and Ginny. Don’t let them break anything and don’t leave this section!” (They were currently standing amidst hundreds of silk flowers.) “We’ll be right back!” Sirius ordered.

Unfortunately, it took several minutes to find the restrooms. Remus was jumping from one foot to the other by the time they reached them, and fairly dashed inside. Sirius waited impatiently outside the door until his lover emerged, looking much happier.

“Better, Remmie?”

“Much better,” Remus said cheerfully, taking Sirius’ arm once more. “Where are the children?”

“Still in the flowers, I hope....”

But to their horror, all four teenagers had vanished once they arrived at the silk flower section.

“Ah....” Sirius and Remus looked around wildly. “Where could they be?”

A woman was stocking shelves nearby. They hurried over to her. “Excuse us, but did you see a kid with black hair and glasses, a girl with bushy brown hair, and two redheaded kids anywhere around here?”

The woman pointed off in the direction of the appliances. “I think I saw them go that way....”

Remus and Sirius hurried off. They wandered through rows and rows of strange electrical devices, all of which were plugged in and randomly lighting up, beeping, talking, or bubbling (the last applied to three rows stocked entirely with lava lamps).

Remus paused as they emerged into the larger appliance section. “Do you smell something good?”

“Yeah, I do.” Sirius stopped beside a display of washing machines. “There’s a crowd gathering over there. I think something’s wrong.”

They hurried over. Over the mutterings of the people gathered in a ring around a group of appliances they heard a familiar voice saying, “Ron, I don’t think you should -”

BOOM.

Orange goo sprayed up from the middle of the crowd. The shoppers began backing away, making noises of disgust and wiping at themselves with hankies. Sirius and Remus dodged two old ladies who were now completely orange, and gasped in horror at the sight which met their eyes.

Harry, and Hermione, now splattered with orange, were standing stock-still, looking horrified; Ron and Ginny, meanwhile, were standing before a selection of microwaves, orange from head to toe and surrounded by empty cans. Sirius gingerly picked up a can to peer at the label : Chef Boyardee’s Spaghetti and Meatballs.

“Sirius!” Ron and Ginny waved frantically at him, as several security people came running over. “We found a microwave for you! And it seems to work GREAT!!”

The Attic, Part 3

2009-09-28T22:02:00.000-04:00

Chapter 18 - The Attic, Part 3 - Mystery Box

After restoring Sirius’ lovely hair to normal, the cleaning of the attic was resumed. The pile of rubbish sacks was growing, and Harry could just imagine Kreacher, several floors below, fighting to get out of the cupboard to put a stop to it all.

The cleaning took three days. Everyone avoided putting on clothes or opening picture albums. Remus cried and clung to Sirius’ leg until his lover promised not to throw away any reading material; Ron was reduced to hiding behind a large, stuffed hippogriff head as Harry squashed a spider which had jumped out at him; Hermione and Ginny soon became engaged in a furious fight with an ugly, mustard-yellow leisure suit which refused to leave its wardrobe. Finally, everything had been cleared out and scrubbed as clean as an attic could be.

They thought everything undesirable had been cleaned out; the windows at either end of the attic shone; the dust, bugs, spiders, and random creatures infesting the place were gone; and the attic had been successfully converted into a reading room of sorts, with bookcases and wardrobes holding books and several chairs and cushions scattered around to sit on.

“It looks great,” Harry said, wiping his forehead on his arm. “I can’t believe it only took us three days.”

“Well, who’s up for baths before supper?” Sirius asked cheerfully.

“Me!” Everybody chorused, moving towards the trapdoor.

“Hey, look at this,” Remus said.

He was holding a box. It was sealed shut with Spellotape, and it wasn’t labeled. The others crowded around.

“It’s a mystery box!” Ginny said, awed.

“I wonder what’s inside?” Harry asked as Remus shook the box carefully. Something slid back and forth inside.

“It’s not labeled,” Hermione observed.

Remus handed it to Sirius, who slit the Spellotape with his wand. He opened the flaps carefully, as if he expected something to explode or jump out and bite his nose.

Nothing happened. They all peered inside.

It was a rock. A pain, ordinary rock.

“It’s just a rock,” Harry said, disappointed. He had been hoping for something interesting or even the teensiest bit dangerous.

“Huh. I wonder why this is here?” Sirius shrugged.

“Good evening. I’m a talking rock,” the rock said. “But the rocks around here don’t talk very much,” it added, as they all stared at it in disbelief.

“You know, not many rocks talk,” the rock mused, as they stared at it, dumbfounded. “Most of them choose to stay silent. I wonder why that is? Say, it was really nice of you to open this box for me. It was getting pretty stuffy. After ten years of being stuck in an attic, it really gets stuffy, you know? Say, you look familiar,” he addressed Sirius. “You must be a relative of the person who owned this house, am I right? Grumpy bloke, he was. All he did was yell. Didn’t like me much. Had kids. Hated one of ‘em, said he was a good-for-nothing, boy-shagging, makeup-wearing idiot (Sirius turned bright red), but he loved the other one... wonder what happened to him? I think he died... his wife stuck me up here... ten years I’ve been up here, with no one to talk to....”

THREE HOURS LATER

Grimmauld Place was not silent that night. No one could sleep, because the rock kept talking.

“...And then this bloke comes to visit, ugly thing, reminded me of a rhino... he says, he says, “Hey! Where’d this troll leg umbrella stand come from?” And he tried to buy it... but we weren’t selling... and one time... the shingles were rotting off the roof... so I tried to give advice on how to repair them... but everybody told me to shut up! How do you like that? I thought it was awfully rude, you know? I mean, everybody has the right to their own opinion, even talking rocks, and I told them, I said, ‘I deserve to go to the Ministry and tell them what I think!’ So....”

Harry moaned. He and Ron had tried putting their pillows over their heads, but nothing worked. The rock was too loud.

“The Minister sent a letter back saying he didn’t believe talking rocks existed....”

Sirius groaned and got out of bed. He put on his jeans and went downstairs. The rock seemed pleased when he approached. “Hey, what’s up?” Sirius scooped up the rock without answering, and stuck it in the pocket of his leather jacket. He grabbed his keys and left the house, then mounted his motorcycle.

“Where are we going? A ride? This sounds like fun!” the rock said happily. It chatted busily for twenty minutes as Sirius drove to a nearby waterfront.

“I love the ocean,” the rock babbled as Sirius got off the bike and took it out of his pocket. “The waves... the smell... hey, what are you dooooooiiiinggg???”

Sirius pitched the rock as far out to sea as he could. There was a faint splash as the rock fell into the water. Smiling, Sirius mounted his bike once more and headed for home.

At the bottom of the sea, the rock sighed. “Why doesn’t anybody like me?”

The Attic, Part 2

2009-09-28T22:00:00.000-04:00

Chapter 17 - The Attic, Part 2 - Mum’s Favourite Hats

After Sirius had brought Harry around and hidden the disturbing photo album deep in the pockets of his robes (to look at with Remus after the children were in bed), they all resumed cleaning the attic. Hermione and Ginny returned to the clothes, where they soon unearthed several hatboxes.

“Oh! How pretty!” Hermione exclaimed, opening one and pulling out a cranberry-coloured straw hat fetsooned with black ribbon and a long black feather.

“This one’s pretty, too,” Ginny said in admiration, revealing a peach pillbox hat with a matching veil.

“Er - girls - I wouldn’t put those on if I were you,” Sirius warned. “Those were my mother’s, and she probably bewitched them to chew off the tops of your heads or something....”

“Oh, Sirius, they’ll be fine,” Hermione said. The two girls put the hats on and hurried over to look at themselves in the spotty, full-length mirror in the corner.

“These look good,” Hermione said happily, reaching up to adjust her feather.

Ginny made quite a meal of getting her veil straight. “You’re not going to throw these away, are you, Sirius?”

“You can have them,” Sirius shrugged, coming over and opening another hatbox. He drew out a cream-coloured straw hat with the widest brim any of them had ever seen, with a blue-and-white striped ribbon wrapped around the crown and tied into an enormous bow.

He put the hat on and joined Hermione and Ginny at the mirror, surveying himself critically. “Not my style. I suppose I - OW! OW! Ouch!”

He seized the hat and tried to pull it off. “AGGHH! It’s EATING - MY - HEAD!”

“Sirius!” Harry yelled, running over to try and help his godfather pull the hat off.

“OWWW!!!”

“Everybody pull!” Remus cried, as he and Ron joined the battle.

They all pulled as hard as they could. The hat came off, growling; Remus Stunned it with his wand.

Ron began to giggle.

“It’s not funny, Ron,” Sirius snapped.

“Yes it is!” Ron chuckled. “Look in the mirror!”

Sirius did.

“AAAAAUUUUUGHHH!”

The hat had eaten all the hair off the top of his head, leaving a bald ring.

Sirius fainted.

The Attic, Part 1

2009-09-28T21:58:00.000-04:00

Chapter 16 - The Attic, Part 1 - The Glittery, Gay Past

Grimmauld Place was indeed a boring place.

Countless hours of scrubbing, unpleasantly reminiscent of last summer, had bored Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny to tears. Even worse, with Fred and George off every day to the joke shop, they had to do the twins’ share of work as well. Sometimes the adults helped, but not very often. Mundungus was prone to hiding or running away when he saw the cleaning implements removed from their cupboard, and Sirius and Remus always made the excuse of ‘house-hunting’. But after months of ‘house-hunting’, they were still living at Grimmauld Place, so Harry suspected they did less house-hunting than they did renting out hotel rooms for a quick shag.

It wouldn’t have bothered him as much if they would just help with the cleaning.

But for once, the two men were actually helping out. It had finally come time to clean the attic, Kreacher’s favourite haunt. Oblivious to Hermione’s protests, Sirius locked Kreacher in a broom cupboard with no food or water.

“He helped try to kill me,” was his only explanation.

So that was why Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, found himself knee-deep in dust, dead spiders, and boxes of Lord-Knows-What. He sifted vainly through box after box of old Chocolate Frog cards, some of which were very old, all of which featured only Dark wizards. Ron and Sirius were having fun throwing all kinds of china things into the rubbish sacks; Remus had stumbled upon a mountain of old books and was now apparently trying to read them all in under an hour; and Hermione and Ginny were involved in one section of the attic which seemed to be nothing but clothes that belonged to Sirius’ older female relatives.

Harry tossed a pile of cards featuring Herpo the Foul into the wastebasket. As he did, Remus pulled a sixth book out of the mountain, opened it, and cried, “Siri! It’s your old photo album!”

“Shibby!” Sirius exclaimed, abandoning the china and clambering over boxes to get to Remus. “Harry, come look! I bet I’ve got pictures of your mum and dad in here!”

Curious, Harry and his friends joined the ex-convict and the werewolf to peer at the photographs.

They blanched. Harry felt faint.

The first picture was of Sirius and James, dressed entirely in form-fitting leather and satin, their faces smeared with spangly makeup.

And they were kissing.

“Ummmm... ewww,” Ron managed. Harry clung to a low beam to stay upright.

“It’s not that bad,” Sirius chuckled. “It was an April Fools joke.”

He turned the page. This time, his younger self was dressed in black leather and leopard prints. James was wearing a truly awful combination of blue and green, and he had Lily sitting on his lap. They all tried not to look at her horrid skirt, which was electric pink and so short you could catch a peek at her panties.

The third picture was truly disturbing - Peter Pettigrew in tight, purple, spandex pants.

The fourth was a picture of Sirius and Remus, wearing white silk and feather boas. Kissing.

“I thought you said it was an April Fools joke!” Harry yelled at his godfather.

“Me and Jim kissing was. We used to dress like this all the time,” Sirius said fondly, running a finger along the edge of the photo. “My Moony was the epitome of gorgeous in silver eyeliner.”

Harry fainted.

Trelawney Goes Out

2009-09-27T14:29:00.001-04:00

Chapter 15 - Trelawney Goes Out

It was a monumental day at Hogwarts.

The summer heat had become nearly unbearable, and Sibyll Trelawney’s room was the veritable equivalent of a volcano.

Not even Sibyll could stand heat like that, so she was forced to retire from her tower room and mingle with the rest of the teachers in the other parts of the school.

It wasn’t so bad, she decided. The other teachers were very considerate towards her, and polite. She could survive until September like this.

But then....

Then....

Minerva McGonagall, curse her, had had an idea.

“Sibyll, why don’t you join us for drinks?”

Sibyll’s head shot up as she looked up from her crystal gazing (her crystal ball had, of course, been taken from her room. The heat was bad for the clairvoyant vibrations). “What?”

“Albus is treating the staff to drinks down at the Three Broomsticks,” Minerva explained. “He’d like it very much if we were all there. Come along, it can’t be any fun to stay in this stuffy castle all day.”

Sibyll blanched. “Perhaps not, Minerva. I... I don’t wish to go.”

The truth of the matter was, Sibyll had not left Hogwarts for anything ever since arriving there almost seventeen years ago. True, she had almost left when that awful Umbridge woman had tried to sack her - but Dumbledore had let her stay. And by now, Sibyll had become a recluse. She was terrified at the thought of leaving, even if it was only to go down to the village for an hour or two.

“You can’t still be afraid,” Minerva said incredulously.

“I’m not going,” snapped Sibyll.

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

It had carried on like this for the better part of an hour, until the rest of the staff converged on Sibyll, tied her to an office chair, and began wheeling her out of the castle.

“It’s easy, Sibyll,” Minerva said briskly. “Once we’re outside, just use a number between one and ten to tell us how anxious you’re feeling.”

Hagrid, Snape, and Minerva then exited, looking around cautiously, their wands at the ready. Poppy Pomfrey wheeled Sibyll’s chair out behind them, the rest of the teachers bringing up the rear.

“Two...” Sibyll muttered. “.... three... two...”

Halfway down the drive, a loud buzzing was heard.

“What the hell was that?” Snape yelled.

“Eight!” Trelawney cried.

“It’s just a bug, Severus,” Minerva snapped.

“Two...” Sibyll sighed in relief.

“No it isn’t!” Snape yelled. “It’s the queen of something! I’ll set fire to the hive!”

He ran towards a nearby tree, from which a hornet’s nest hung, and pointed his wand up into its branches. “Incendio!”

“Twelve!” Sibyll shrieked, as Poppy turned the chair around and began wheeling her back to the castle as fast as possible.

“My sleeve!” Snape screamed, as his arm started on fire as well.

“Sixteen! Three hundred and twelve!” Sibyll screamed as she was hurried back inside.

Snape put his arm out with his wand. “Good. More firewhiskey for me now.”

Pie This Way

2009-09-27T14:28:00.000-04:00

Chapter 14 - Pie This Way

A large sign hung on a wall in Diagon Alley.

It featured a picture of a pie. Underneath the pie was an arrow, pointing off to the right.

Crabbe and Goyle stood, entranced, in front of the sign, drooling.

It could only mean one thing, they deduced within their tiny minds.

Pie This Way.

But there was one tiny flaw.

The arrow was pointing to the Magical Menagerie.

Now, Crabbe and Goyle might not be the sharpest crayons on the Christmas tree, but they did realise that the Magical Menagerie did NOT sell pies.

But they couldn’t argue with the sign! If the sign said, ‘Pie This Way’ and pointed to the Magical Menagerie, then they should at least go inside to see if there might be traces of pie.

The moral : Signs are always right.

So Crabbe and Goyle bumbled through the door of the Magical Menagerie, where the first person they encountered was the cranky owner.

“I’m feeding the animals! Now go away!”

Feeling thoroughly rejected, Crabbe and Goyle returned to the pie sign.

“I want some pie,” Goyle spoke up ten minutes later.

“Me too,” Crabbe agreed.

Neither boy moved for another ten minutes. Then -

“I wonder where we find the pie.” Crabbe mused.

“The sign says it’s in there,” Goyle said, pointing at the Magical Menagerie.

So they went into the Magical Menagerie.

The cranky owner hit them with Stunning Spells and tossed their immobile bodies out into the dumpster behind his building.

Once they unfroze, Crabbe and Goyle returned home, feeling very disappointed.

And to add injury to insult, their mothers fed them liver for dinner that night.

With no pie.

Next door to the Magical Menagerie, a witch was closing up her shop for the night. Today had been the grand opening, and it had been quite a hit. Many people had turned up, and her merchandise had fairly flown off the shelves.

The name of this shop was Madame Beaumont’s Home-Made Pies.

Double Entendre

2009-09-27T14:26:00.000-04:00

Chapter 13 - Double Entendre

“Wow. It’s pretty long.”

“Hard, too.”

“What can you do with a thing like that?”

“Ah, you know. Fun stuff.”

“I’ll bet Cho’s really impressed with it.”

“You know it. She loves to stroke it.”

“Man. It’s bigger than mine.”

“But yours is wider.”

“True. Makes it a little more fun, if you catch my drift.”

“Heheh. I bet you wouldn’t mind Fleur stroking yours, would you, mate?”

“Shut up. I bet you wouldn’t mind giving Cho a ride, am I wrong?”

“Not too wrong. You know, my dad had one like this.”

“How d’you know?”

“Sirius saw it. Told me.”

“What doesn’t Sirius see?”

“I dunno. Sirius has a pretty nice one himself, actually. It just doesn’t get out that often.”

“He’d probably get it out for Remus.”

“Yeah, Remus loves it.”

“You know who else’s got a nice one? Malfoy.”

“Yeah... I hate him, but I have to admit, his is pretty nice. Long and slim.”

“That’s the best.”

“GUYS!” Hermione glowered at Harry and Ron. “Will you PLEASE stop discussing your broomsticks and come set the table for dinner?!”

Flying Monopoly, Batman!

2009-09-27T14:24:00.001-04:00

Chapter 12 - Flying Monopoly, Batman!

“I want to be the boot!”

“I’m the car!”

“I want the doggie!”

“Can I be the iron?”

It took a few minutes to decide who was going to use what piece; but eventually Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were settled for a good, long game of Monopoly.

Ron rolled doubles. “Whoo! Chance!” He picked up a Chance card. “Go to jail?! No fair!”

Harry sniggered.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

Ginny bought a hotel.

And the iron just sat in jail.

Several turns later, Harry was broke, Ginny kept rolling ones, and Ron was still in jail. Hermione, however, had stacks of money and buildings erected on practically every street on the board. She owned the waterworks, the electric company, and all four railroads, as well.

“Hey,” Ginny said, picking up a hotel and taking its roof off. “Hermione’s cheating! These hotels are made of Legos!”

“No they’re not,” Hermione said quickly, hiding her bucket of Legos behind her back.

“So what?” Ron groused. “I’m still in jail!”

“At least you’re better off than Harry,” Ginny laughed. “He’s so broke he can’t even buy himself a house. In jail, they give you three meals a day and a roof over your head!”

“Shut up!” Harry snapped, throwing the dice at Ginny. They bounced off her head.

“Hey! Don’t throw dice at my sister!” Ron yelled, scooping up a handful of Hermione’s buildings and throwing them at Harry.

“Ron! How dare you take my buildings!” Hermione raged, tossing Legos at him.

“How dare you throw Legos at my brother!” Ginny growled, reaching over and scattering Hermione’s neatly stacked plies of money.

“My loot!” Hermione shrieked, slapping Harry’s hand away as he tried to nick some. “Hands off, thief!”

“Don’t slap my best friend!” Ron yelled.

“I’ll slap who I want to!” Hermione retorted, pelting the top hat piece at Ron.

“Will all of you shut up?!” Harry yelled, picking up the Monopoly board and throwing it across the room.

Where it flew out the window.

And hit Robin, the Boy Wonder, in the head.

“Flying Monopoly, Batman!” he cried, rubbing his head.

“That’s right, my panicky chum,” Batman replied. “More Monopoly-related violence. We must put a stop to it!”

But since they couldn’t see 12 Grimmauld Place, they had to give it up and go home.

“Hey, guys! Let’s play Operation!” Ginny yelled.

Long Black Hair Club

2009-09-27T14:22:00.001-04:00

Chapter 11 - Long Black Hair Club

“I propose we start a club,” Sirius announced to the room at large.

Five people were in the room with him : his cousin, Andromeda; Cho Chang; Parvati and Padma Patil; and Angelina Johnson.

“What kind of club?” Angelina asked.

“The Long Black Hair Club.”

“What’s the point in that?” Angelina asked.

“Well, we’re the only characters in all five books who have long black hair.”

“Can Harry be in it?” Cho squealed.

“No.”

“But his hair is black!”

“But it’s not long,” Sirius said.

“So?”

“What d’you mean, ‘so’? To join this club, you need to meet specific requirements! And these are them : You must have long, black hair!”

“Wait!” Parvati said, waving a hand in the air so her bangles jingled. “I’m a little confused about the requirements!”

Sirius stared. “How can you be confused? You just need to have long, black hair!”

“You lost me.”

“Can Alicia and Katie join?” Angelina wanted to know.

“NO! They don’t have long, black hair!”

“I’m still confused!” Parvati sang out.

“You forgot Hagrid! He has long, black hair!” Cho announced, pointing to a passage in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

“I don’t think he’d fit in our clubhouse,” Sirius said.

Fred lifted up the edge of the tablecloth and peered at the people hiding under the table itself. “The waiter says if you don’t get out here now, he won’t take your orders.”

“Oh, fine,” Sirius pouted, and he and the others crawled out from under the table to resume their seats.

“I want a bigger part next time,” said Andromeda.

“Me too,” said Padma.

Bits In The Marmalade

2009-09-26T22:28:00.000-04:00

Chapter 10 - Bits in the Marmalade

Albus Dumbledore had always considered himself an early bird.

It really took the cake when he was up and about at four AM.

But today was an odd day.

He should have known. Sibyll had told him his horoscope just last night, and it was this :

“Tomorrow, you will have an odd day.”

Albus took Sibyll quite seriously, at least in conjunction with his horoscope.

“You always have my best interests at heart, Sibyll,” he said.

As soon as his back was turned, Trelawney stabbed a handful of pins into her Dumbledore voodoo doll.

But on this odd day, Albus awoke to the crowing of - a toad.

“Trevor?” he asked, confused, lifting Neville Longbottom’s toad off his dresser. “But... where’s Fawkes?”

At the Longbottom residence, Fawkes was currently nesting in the breadbox.

“Never mind,” sighed Albus. He put the toad in his water jug and headed off to get dressed.

His outfit that day consisted of liederhosen, a bright yellow t-shirt, clown shoes, and a fake arrow that looked like it was stabbing through his head.

His breakfast that day was very odd. There were bits in his marmalade.

“I hate bits in my marmalade!” Albus grumbled, picking them out.

It took him nearly an hour to pick all the bits out of the marmalade, and by the time he was done, he was very sticky and had stray bits stuck in his beard. His breakfast was cold, too.

He had no sooner choked down his cold omelette and returned to his office when he noticed he had marmalade bits stuck under his fingernails.

“Scourgify!”

The bits remained stuck.

“I should’ve known marmalade bits couldn’t be defeated that easily,” Albus muttered.

He scrubbed under his nails with Mrs. Skower’s Magical Mess Remover for thirty minutes or so. It eventually got the bits out, but made his fingers all wrinkly and pruny and white, like he had been playing with bleach.

“Oh well,” he sighed. “Time to get down to important business!”

With that, he took off his arrow, put on a feathered cap, and went outside to yodel.

Drunken Professors Make Good Lovers

2009-09-26T22:27:00.000-04:00

Chapter 9 - Drunken Professors Make Good Lovers

“It’s true.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it isn’t!”

Ginny and Hermione glared at one another from across the room.

“I say it is,” Ginny stated.

“And I say it isn’t,” Hermione retorted.

“Well, there’s only one way to tell, isn’t there?” Ginny said, a sneaky smile playing across her lips. “We’ll get him drunk, and see how he is.”

“You’re on,” Hermione said. “A Galleon he isn’t.”

“A Galleon he is,” Ginny smirked. “Now, let’s see if we can break into Sirius’ supply of firewhiskey....”

~Three Hours Later~

Hermione and Ginny retreated to their bedroom, gasping and giggling, out of breath. Their hair was mussed and their clothes on backwards and inside out, and they smelled vaguely of alcohol.

“I told you, I told you!” Ginny shrieked in glee.

Hermione couldn’t stop grinning even as she handed over a Galleon. “You were right! Drunken professors DO make good lovers!!!”

~The Next Morning~

Severus Snape awoke to find himself sprawled out on a dusty bed, surrounded by empty bottles of firewhiskey. A stray pair of panties lay at the foot of the bed.

Snape sat up and rubbed his head. “What happened last night?” he wondered.

Television, Part 1

2009-09-26T22:25:00.000-04:00

Chapter 8 - Television Part 1

“Would you look at that,” Ron said dreamily.

“It’s amazing,” Remus sighed.

“Who would’ve thought it,” Sirius agreed.

Harry and Hermione stood nearby, staring at the three wizards. They were standing, entranced, in front of an appliance store, watching the display of televisions that had been set up in the window.

And they were drooling.

“This is sad,” Hermione muttered to Harry. “I mean, maybe they’ve never seen a television before but... I think they’re even putting Mr. Weasley to shame.”

“Yeah,” Harry replied. “Oi! Ron, Sirius, Remus - let’s go.”

But all three had settled themselves comfortably on the sidewalk in front of the store, gazing up at the many television screens. They didn’t seem to be likely to move until after the programme was over.

“Um - shouldn’t we be going?” Hermione asked hesitantly, twenty minutes later.

“Nah, this is the good part,” Sirius said, his eyes never leaving the screen.

“But I think you should know that -”

“Don’t spoil the ending for us!” Remus cried.

“I’m not! I really think you should know that -”

“Shhh,” Ron hissed.

Harry sighed, rubbing his forehead. He went into the appliance store and had a brief discussion with the clerk. Then he went into the front window and unplugged the camera that had been pointing out the window, recording Sirius, Remus, and Ron and broadcasting them on the television screens.

“Okay, let’s go,” he said triumphantly, and he and Hermione dragged their downhearted comrades away.

“Come on, that was the best part!” Sirius whined.

Brownie-Bricks of Doom

2009-09-26T22:24:00.000-04:00

Chapter 7 - Brownie-Bricks Of Doom

Something good was cooking.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione wandered into the kitchen to find Sirius taking something out of the stove.

“What’s cooking, Sirius?”

“Brownies,” the ex-convict replied proudly, holding out a pan filled with some sort of crusty brown stuff.

Hermione looked closely at it. “Erm - are you sure?”

“Of course I am!” Sirius said indignantly. “I made them myself!”

“Ooooookay....” Harry said, as he and his friends sunk into their seats. Sirius seized an enormous butcher knife and proceeded to cut the brownies.

Or rather, he tried. But the brownies merely bent the blade of the knife all out of shape.

“Dang it,” Sirius muttered.

He rummaged around in the junk drawer and pulled out the hammer.

“Stand back!” he said cheerfully.

Harry, Hermione, and Ron dived for cover. Sirius brought the hammer down on the brownies.

*BAM!*

The brown crusty stuff broke into several chunks. Not exactly even, square chunks, either. It looked more like lopsided, crumbly bricks.

“Uh... enjoy, I guess,” Sirius said, offering ‘round the chunks.

“Cheers,” Ron said gloomily.

They each took a chunk and attempted to bite into them.

“Ow!” gasped Hermione.

“Ouch,” Harry muttered, rubbing his cheek.

“That hurt,” Ron winced.

“I think I chipped a tooth.” Sirius mumbled.

“These aren’t brownies. They’re bricks,” Harry declared.

“I guess Remmie was right. I really can’t cook,” Sirius sighed unhappily.

“But there’s a good side to this,” Ron said, grinning.

“There is?”

“Next time Draco comes to bother us on the train, we can smash his face in with them,” said Ron happily.

“True.”

“Good thinking,” Harry said, clapping Ron on the shoulder.

“You guys are barbaric,” Hermione said in disgust.

Dolores Umbridge Vs. The Toaster Of Doom

2009-09-26T22:22:00.001-04:00

Chapter 6 - Dolores Umbridge Versus the Toaster Of Doom

Dolores Umbridge peered into the every cupboard in her kitchen.

There were no centaurs in any of them.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Umbridge popped bread into her toaster. Then she crossed to the fridge. She pried the door open with a broomstick, standing well away from it. When she saw there were no centaurs inside, she put the broom down and took the butter and juice out of the fridge.

This was the way she had been living ever since she left Hogwarts a few weeks before. She rarely left her house, preferring instead to have her groceries delivered to her and her work owled to her.

The toast popped out of the toaster. Umbridge moved forward to retrieve her breakfast.

*CLANG!* The toaster seized her hand!

It was burning hot! Umbridge screamed in pain, whacking her hand against the countertop, trying to get the toaster to let go. It was no use!

In desperation, Umbridge unplugged the toaster, flinging the cord aside.

Bad move. The cord flew right into the half-full sink.

*ZZZZZZZT.*

And that was the end of Dolores Umbridge.

Snape And The Nightmare of A Lifetime

2009-09-25T15:18:00.002-04:00

Chapter 5 - Snape and the Nightmare of a Lifetime

Severus Snape arrived at 12 Grimmauld Place looking as surly as ever. Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley children barricaded themselves in Buckbeak’s room.

Glaring at everything, Snape prepared to go into the kitchen to wait for the meeting. But as he descended the stairs, the kitchen door opened and Molly Weasley stuck her head out.

“Oh, Professor Snape! If you wouldn’t mind... Sirius and Remus are missing, could you go find them, please?”

“I suppose,” Snape groused, turning and heading upstairs.

He peeked in three consecutive rooms, with no luck. The next door he reached was closed. As he put his hand on the knob, he heard Black’s unmistakable voice from within.

“Are you sure you want to do this here, Remmie?”

“Totally sure.” It was Lupin’s voice. Snape paused to listen.

“Okay... Help me get it out, then, okay?”

Get what out? Surely he didn’t mean -

“It’s awfully hard, Siri.”

Eep.

“Just give me a hand, okay?”

“Mmm. All right.”

“Ah - okay. D’you want some help with that?”

“If you wouldn’t mind...”

“How’s this?”

“Wonderful, Paddy... oh... a little to the left...”

Snape blanched, feeling suddenly ill.

“Higher... higher.. oh, right there...”

“You like that?”

“It’s wonderful...”

“Okay... here, hold on a minute.”

Snape clung to the doorknob in an effort to stay upright. He wanted to get away, as fast as he could, before Black and Lupin really went at it. But his knees were like water. From inside the room, a loud banging noise was heard. They really didn’t fool around, did they?

“Oh! Siri... watch it... harder, harder! You can’t pound it in that way!”

“Like this, love?”

“Yes! Siri... oh... it’s.. oh - wonderful!”

Snape fainted.

Seconds later, the door opened. Sirius exited, carrying a hammer, while Remus followed, clutching a box of nails. They both caught sight of Snape lying unconscious in the middle of the hall.

“What happened to Snivellus?” Sirius asked blankly.

Remus shrugged. “I don’t know. Let’s go see if Molly has any more paintings for us to hang up.”

Occupied!

2009-09-25T15:16:00.001-04:00

Chapter 4 - Occupied!

Nobody said a word when they reached Grimmauld Place. It was not an especially welcoming idea to think of spending another summer holiday there.

Harry shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as he and Ron climbed the stairs to their third-floor bedroom, lugging their trunks. He really had to pee. He had known that super-sized chocolate milkshake in the ice cream parlour had been a bad idea, but he hadn’t been able to help himself.

He dumped his trunk at the front of his bed, along with Hedwig’s cage. “Let Hedwig out, okay, Ron?” he asked. “I’ve really got to go to the bathroom.”

“Sure,”Ron said, shrugging. Harry bolted for the bathroom.

The door was shut. Harry knocked.

“Occupied!” Mrs. Weasley’s voice called.

“Oops. Sorry, Mrs. Weasley...”

“Not at all, Harry dear. D’you know how hard it is to get mustard stains out of your clothes?”

“Erm... no...” Harry headed for the second floor, to use that bathroom.

The door was shut. Harry knocked.

“Occupied,” Moody’s voice growled. “Sorry, Potter, I’m covered in mustard and butter and oatmeal and it’s really hard to get off.”

“Sorry,” Harry mumbled, and headed for the first floor, bent over and holding himself. By now the urge to go was killing him.

The first-floor bathroom door was also closed. Harry knocked.

“Occupied! Who is it?” Hermione called.

“Me,” said Harry.

“Sorry, Harry, but I’m trying to get the ice cream out of my skirt. Try the other bathrooms.”

“They’re occupied.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Can you hold it?”

“Not really,” Harry moaned, jumping up and down.

“Well, I’m almost done. I think there’s a bathroom on the fourth floor, why don’t you go look?”

“Arrrgh,” Harry groaned, and ran up the stairs to the fourth floor.

The fourth floor was barely habitable; there were several bedrooms, a study, and a billiards room up here, but none had been decontaminated yet. But thankfully, there was a bathroom. Harry didn’t care how scrungy it was. He dashed inside.

A large sign, in Sirius’ handwriting, was taped on the wall above the toilet : OUT OF ORDER.

Harry began to cry.

Sirius' Fan Club, Part 2

2009-09-25T15:14:00.002-04:00

Chapter 3 - Sirius’ Fan Club, Part 2

Sirius and Remus had decided to take Harry, Ron, and Hermione out for ice cream before returning to Grimmauld Place. It would have been a lovely plan, except for the glaring fact that Parvati and Lavender had happened to stop by at the very same ice cream parlour. They were seated nearby, with Parvati’s sister Padma and Susan Bones. All four girls were casting looks at Sirius and giggling behind their hands.

It didn’t help that Hermione was gazing at him as well, a glazed look on her face, her spoon suspended halfway to her mouth, dripping mint-chocolate-chip ice cream onto her previously clean skirt.

Sirius, Harry, Ron, and Remus stared back at her.

“Um... Hermione... are you okay?” Ron finally asked.

“It’s a lovely day,” Hermione murmured, never taking her eyes off Sirius. At the table next door, the girls were staring at him with equally dreamy expressions.

“Er... Hermione?” Harry waved a hand energetically in front of her face. Hermione blinked rapidly, seeming to come out of a trance, and sighed at the mess on her skirt. She scrubbed at it with her napkin.

“What is it?”

“Um... you’re staring at me,” Sirius said, very uncomfortable.

“Oh! Um -” Hermione tried to think of a good cover story. “It’s just that - that -”

“You’re so good looking!” a voice sighed. Parvati, Padma, Lavender, and Susan had been busy eavesdropping.

“Um - thanks, I guess,” Sirius mumbled, as Remus seized his arm and glowered at the cluster of girls.

“You do realise he’s gay, right?”

“I’m not gay! I’m Remus-sexual!” Sirius retorted.

“That just makes him even sexier,” Parvati sighed.

Remus paused. He looked skeptically at Sirius. Then his eyes grew hazy, and a sappy smile appeared on his face. “You’re right. It does.”

A collective sigh arose. Sirius blushed and looked at the ceiling, slightly embarrassed at the girls and Remus staring at him.

Harry rubbed his forehead. “Correction. I will never understand women or gay men.”

Ron nodded. “Me neither.”

Moody Vs. Kitchen Condiments

2009-09-25T15:08:00.002-04:00

Chapter 2 - Moody Versus Kitchen Condiments

Alastor Moody was sitting alone at the kitchen table of 12 Grimmauld Place, pouring over a long roll of parchment, when Molly Weasley entered, her arms full of groceries.

“Oh! Alastor! Would you mind....”

“Certainly not, Molly,” Moody said, getting to his feet and relieving her of some of her bags. He plopped them down on the table, and began to unpack them. He pulled out a box of Quaker Oats, a tub of Land O’ Lakes butter, a box of Cap’n Crunch, and a box of Sun Maid raisins.

He lined them up on the table and started to return to his unpacking. But... he could... sense them. Looking at him.

He glared at the unpacked groceries. The people on them smiled innocently back. Or at least, they wanted Moody to think they were innocent.

Hmmph. He had no time for this. He crossed the room to the icebox, putting the jugs of orange juice inside.

But he could feel them. Their eyes followed him across the room, like the eyes of old paintings - well, old Muggle paintings.

“Stop - looking - at ME,” Moody growled at the harmless things, reaching back into the bag and pulling out a bottle of mustard. There was a happy family on the bottle, laughing and looking up into the camera. Moody glared.

“Why are you so happy?!” he yelled, shaking the mustard furiously. “You stupid morons, what have you got to be so happy about?!”

*SQUISH.*

He had squeezed too hard. The top flew off the mustard, and yellow goo splattered all over Moody, the table, the walls, and his parchment.

“ALASTOR!!!” Molly bellowed, as a blob of mustard got her right in the eye.

“STUPID - USELESS - MUSTARD - FAMILY!!!!” Moody shrieked, throwing the bottle to the floor and jumping up and down on it repeatedly. “DIEEEEEE!”

Mustard sprayed across every available surface, painting the kitchen yellow. It was amazing how much mustard that small bottle could hold.

Finally Moody collapsed, exhausted, into his chair. Molly, who had been shielding herself behind her hands, peeked out from between her fingers, just as her husband entered the kitchen.

“What happened here?” Arthur asked curiously, looking at the mustard splattered all over the room.

“I’m not sure...” his wife whispered.

Moody raised his head, perhaps to explain, but then he caught sight of the guy on the oatmeal box.

“FIEND!!!” he shrieked. “DAMNABLE OATMEAL!” He seized the box. “I’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!”

Cackling madly, he threw the box of oatmeal into the sink and turned the water on full force. The oatmeal began to bubble and froth. The box burst, sending oatmeal flying all over the room. Moody just cackled insanely and ran for the tub of butter, which he began to pound furiously with his walking stick, sending globs of butter everywhere. Arthur seized Molly by the arm and pulled her out of the room, slamming the door behind them.

“That’s the last time I let Alastor help me with the groceries,” Molly sighed, wiping her face on her apron.

Sirius' Fan Club, Part 1

2009-09-25T14:53:00.001-04:00

Chapter 1 - Sirius’ Fan Club, Part 1

Harry Potter and his best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger stepped off the Hogwarts Express, chattering busily and lugging Hedwig, Pigwidgeon, and Crookshanks along with them. It was the beginning of the summer holidays, and they were ready for what looked like an exciting, fun time.

Or another boring holiday scrubbing out 12 Grimmauld Place. Whatever.

Our hero and his two best friends who always get shunted to the side joined the queue to go through the magical barrier. They were in line right behind Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown, who were giggling over some boy.

“He’s got that bad-boy, rebel look,” Parvati was giggling.

“Between that earring and that hair...” Lavender said dreamily.

“And he wears lovely tight jeans all the time. He’s got a beautiful arse.”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione twitched.

“And tight t-shirts, too. With a leather jacket.”

“Did you see the picture of him in the Prophet ? He was wearing eyeliner !”

“I know!! But didn’t it just look.... sexy?”

“Animalistic.”

“Feral!”

“I’d sleep with him!”

“Me too!”

By now, Harry and Company were becoming very curious to know who this mystery man was. But before they could say anything, the guard ushered Parvati and Lavender through, then the Infamous Trio.

They appeared right behind Lavender and Parvati, who were whispering excitedly and smoothing their hair. “There he is, there he is!”

“There who is?” Ron asked rudely.

Both girls looked at him as if he were a slug. “Sirius Black, of course!”

“WHAT?!” Harry yelped.

Parvati and Lavender sighed dreamily. Sirius was indeed nearby, leaning against a lightpost and waving to Harry. Beside him was Remus Lupin, his arm through Sirius’.

“You do know he’s gay, right?” Hermione asked the two girls.

“That just makes him even sexier....” Parvati sighed.

Hermione studied Sirius and Remus for a moment. “You’re right.... it DOES!”

Harry and Ron just stood there and stared at the three girls, who were now drooling.

“I’ll never understand women,” Harry said, shaking his head.

“Me neither,” Ron muttered.

Welcome To The Snippets!

2009-09-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

Hello all! I am Ryu-No-Joou, known on FanFiction.Net as Dragon Mistress. A few years ago I started writing a multi-chaptered Harry Potter fic entitled "Snippets From The Potterverse", in which the Harry Potter characters found themselves in all kinds of ridiculous situations. Each snippet was short and mostly separate, even though there are some snippets that are two, three, or even four parts long. At the current date, there are ninety-two completed Snippets.

Recently I've been hoping to get back to writing Snippets. Unfortunately, I can no longer access my FanFiction.Net account due to a combination of a forgotten password and an extremely unhelpful staff. So I figured, why not make a blog featuring the Snippets? This way they could be readable by people who don't usually go to FanFiction, and I can have more control over things like formatting, content, and comments.

I plan on updating daily with about five Snippets until all ninety-two are posted, and from then on we'll see what happens. Feel free to comment, share artwork based on the stories, or give the link to other fans!

And now, I present "Snippets From The Potterverse"!