Some Kind of Monster

Chapter 85 - Some Kind of Monster


Remus Lupin had decided to apply for another job. Not a full-time one, because he had Order business and Sirius to deal with, but a little something to supplement his income (which was nothing). He had long since given up on working for Muggles, since he had no way to explain to them why he disappeared during certain times of the month. But he spent a while scouring the Daily Prophet’s classified ads for jobs in the wizarding community.

There was a job opening for a cashier at a shop on Diagon Alley. Remus wasn’t too sure about it, since it seemed to be one of the dodgy shops quite near to Knockturn Alley, but he figured it was worth a shot. He sent a letter to the owner and soon received an owl in reply, asking him to come for an interview.

On the day in question, Remus dressed carefully in his least patchy clothes, and headed to the shop. Apparently it sold knickknacks and trinkets to the wizarding community; Remus suspected some of the items might not be legitimate, but he did well on the interview. The owner and his assistant, who looked to have some troll blood in them, seemed to be impressed with him. Then they broached the subject of his full moon disappearances.

Remus felt he couldn’t lie, so he admitted it. “I’m a werewolf, actually.”

He expected shock and disgust, but what he received was confusion.

“A werewolf?” the owner asked blankly. “What’s that?”

“I think it’s one of those things that rises from the dead and eats people’s brains,” the assistant said.

“Erm - no,” Remus said. “That’s a zombie.”

“Is it one of those green blokes made out of corpses that kill kids?” the owner said, scratching his head.

“No, sir. That’s a Frankenstein,” Remus said.

“Wait! I know! It’s that thing with teeth that sucks blood!” the assistant said triumphantly.

“No, that’s a vampire,” said Remus, politely incredulous. Had these two wizards never attended a Defense Against the Dark Arts course?

“Are you one of those things all wrapped in bandages?” the owner asked suspiciously.

“No... that’s a mummy,” Remus sighed.

“Is a werewolf one of those children with the creepy eyes and mental powers?” the assistant inquired.

“No! That’s the Children of the Damned!”

“I know! It’s that dinosaur that rises out of the water and stomps on Japan!” the owner cried.

“That’s Godzilla!”

“The dead transparent people who put curses on you!”

“That’s a ghost!”

“Are you the big, stinky, hairy man that wanders around America?” the assistant inquired happily.

“That’s Bigfoot!” Remus was exasperated. “A werewolf is a person who becomes a wolf during the full moon and hunts human prey!”

There was silence for a moment. Then the owner shrugged. “Whatever. Some kind of monster, anyway. Welcome aboard.”

“Sorry, I’ve changed my mind,” Remus muttered, already halfway out the door.

We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used To It

Chapter 84 - We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used To It


Another Order meeting at Grimmauld Place started off as usual. Bill brought boxes of doughnuts to share, and Sirius provided plenty of wine from his father’s not inconsiderable wine cellar.

There was a shortage of chairs (again), so Sirius had Remus sit on his lap. This never bothered anyone - except Snape of course.

“You do know that’s disgusting and morally wrong?” he sneered that day.

“Uh-huh. I’ve heard all the arguments,” Sirius said dismissively, reaching for a chocolate-frosted doughnut.

“Then why do you insist on doing it?”

“Because I’m a firm believer in true love, no matter what form it’s in,” Sirius argued.

“So if someone was truly in love with - your doughnut, let’s say - you’d believe in it?”

“Of course. I’d have the bloke committed, but I’d let him take his doughnut with him.”

“I think you lads are way off the topic,” said Bill.

“Snivellus started it.”

“You started it with your Public Display of Affection, Black,” Snape retorted. “You sicko.”

“Sicko, eh? Who’s the one secretly sleeping with several generations of male Malfoys?”

“Only two generations, you moron! And that has nothing to do with this!”

“I think it does,” Sirius said. “You’re screwing Lucius and Draco, and yet you get offended when Remmie sits on my lap?”

Snape was beet-red. “Shut up! It’s still disgusting!”

“Hypocrite,” Sirius mumbled.

“So I’d appreciate it if you two would stop cuddling in my presence!” Snape demanded.

“I’m not changing for you, Snivelly! I’ll cuddle Remmie all I want, whenever I want! We’re here, we’re queer, so get used to it!”

“He makes a good point,” Kingsley chuckled.

“And I hear tell gay couples are sexy,” Remus said. “Or so the Patil girls and Miss Brown believe.”

“They’re not wrong,” commented Tonks.

That's A Pretty Big Bug, Part 3

Chapter 83 - That’s A Pretty Big Bug, Part 3


Draco Malfoy’s big, icky problems had followed him back to Hogwarts.

Being located in the dungeons, the Slytherin common room was infested with several kinds of nasty creepy-crawly creatures, despite the numerous Pest-Control Charms Filch put on every inch of available space. Worst of the lot were a family of millipedes and a clan of strange insects that looked like a cross between a cricket and a spider.

Draco could never rest peacefully. At night, he sometimes imagined a prickly feeling on his legs, and had to scratch madly at his legs, afraid there might be bugs in his pajama trousers. He tossed and turned, afraid that any moment now a cricket-spider would hop onto his bed. Not even Mr. Snugglekins was much of a comfort, though Draco sometimes used the old bear to smash bugs.

It was a well-guarded Slytherin secret that Draco was terrified of bugs. The Slytherins kept his secret not because they were faithful to Draco; they just didn’t want the rest of the school knowing that their fearless leader was in fact a great, blubbering baby.

However, this did not solve the problems of millipedes and cricket-spiders which scared Draco every day.

“Pansy!” he wept one evening, when one such bug was blocking the stairs to the boys’ dorm. “There’s a big, icky bug in my way! Please smush it!”

“Sorry, Draco, but I’m working on my Herbology essay here,” Pansy said. “It’ll go away on its own.”

No it wouldn’t! They never did! Draco turned to Theodore Nott. “Nott, please smush the big, icky bug for me!”

“Sorry, Draco. But these are new shoes. I can’t risk getting them gunked up with bug goo.”

Desperately, Draco turned to the dim-witted trolls he called his best friends. “Crabbe, Goyle, smush the big, icky bug for me!”

“Heheheh, bug,” they laughed stupidly, not quite grasping what was going on.

“I want to go upstairs to my beddy-bye!” Draco wept. “I wish Auntie Bella was here! She’d smash those bugs good!”

“You called?” Bellatrix said, falling from the sky.

“Auntie! Squish the big, icky bug for me!” Draco begged.

“Stand back!” Bellatrix pulled her bug-squishing mallet from nowhere, and brought it down on the bug. SPLOOT. It splattered all over the stairs, and Bellatrix cleaned it up with a wave of her wand.

“Thank you, Auntie!” Draco cried happily. “I love you!” He smothered his auntie with kisses.

“Anything for my neffy-poo,” Bellatrix cooed. “Now off to bed, your mother will be angry if I let you stay up!”

“Goodnight, Auntie!” Draco bounded up the stairs.

“Give Mr. Snugglekins a kiss for me!” Bellatrix called, before strolling out of the castle.

Draco planted a smooch on his teddy bear. “That was from Auntie Bella,” he said.

“Good. She’s hot,” Mr. Snugglekins answered.

St. Anger

Chapter 82 - St. Anger


Hermione and Ron had, for a while, enjoyed the luxury of silence.

They all-too-vividly remembered last year, when Harry’s incessant rants and temper tantrums had been a part (a rather noisy part) of everyday life. Every day it had been something - Anti-Umbridge rants, complaints about his scar prickling, rants about Voldemort, wondering loudly if Sirius was going to do something stupid.

His best friends had found that the best defense was to smile politely, nod every now and then, and try not to fall asleep.

Hermione had come to the conclusion that Harry was indeed a very angry young man. Ron held the position that Harry was just “one sandwich short of a picnic”, which was pretty much the same thing, so they treated their friend with the sort of caution and respect one might reserve for a mad dog.

But just lately, Harry’s temper tantrums had resumed. There was no feasible explanation; unless it was the fact that Snape had been doing more and more disturbing things lately. That would drive anyone to insanity, Ron reflected. At the moment, he and Hermione were listening to Harry’s latest rant.

Harry had a way of complaining that was eerily reminiscent of Hannah Abbot’s drama queen acts. He would gesture wildly, sometimes hitting a passing first year in the head by accident, his voice getting louder and louder. Today’s topic was Rita Skeeter. Her bad article on Sirius all the way back in Chapter 64 had finally roused his not inconsiderable rage.

“She’s nothing but a stupid cow, how DARE she write that about Sirius, he is NOT a drunk and he is NOT a child-beater, he is a perfectly civil person most of the time...” Harry snapped his quill in half. Hermione and Ron moved theirs out of his reach. “She’s such a bitch, I can’t stand her... If only she’d die... throw her to some Blast-Ended Skrewts or Avada Kedavra her a thousand times over, anything....”

He was reaching the levels of fury that had normally been reserved for Dolores Umbridge. It was rather frightening.

“I can’t STAND HER!” Harry repeated furiously. “How would SHE like it if someone printed BLATANT LIES ABOUT HER?!”

Hermione was impressed that Harry even knew a word like ‘blatant’, but she still feared for her safety.

“I HATE RITA SKEETER!!” Harry bellowed, to the surprise of the entire common room. “I AM NOT HERMIONE’S BOYFRIEND, I DO NOT CRY OVER MY PARENTS’ DEATHS, AND MY GODFATHER IS NOT A CHILD-BEATING, BAR-CRUISING DRUNK!!”

“Harry, calm down, mate,” Ron said in alarm.

“BITE ME, WEASLEY!!” Harry shrieked, throwing an inkwell at Ron and missing by miles. “WHO ASKED YOUR OPINION?!”

Hermione forced a smile at some cowering first and second years behind her. “He’ll burn himself out in time,” she tried to reassure them.

“THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK, MISSY!” Harry screeched. “TALK ABOUT ANNOYING, YOU SUPER-SMART, BOOK-READING, RON-SHAGGING -”

Suddenly his face went quite blank; he stopped screaming, keeled over, and lay still upon the floor. Hermione smiled and said, “Ron?”

Ron got up and slung Harry over his shoulder, carrying him up the stairs to their dorm. Steam was slowly trickling from Harry’s ears.

“He burns himself out in time,” Hermione repeated, heading off to her own dorm.

Worst Episode Ever

Chapter 81 - Worst Episode Ever


Harry walked into the room.

He tripped over a shoe.

“Ow,” he complained.

“Ha-ha,” Draco laughed.

Ron threw the other shoe at Draco.

Hermione ignored everyone and read ‘Hogwarts, a History’.

Sirius shrugged, grabbed Remus, and pulled him off for a shag.

Harry got up, and promptly tripped again.

Cornelius Fudge was eaten by the Toaster of Doom, and joined Dolores Umbridge in Hell.

Ron and Draco got into a fight. Everyone gathered ‘round to watch.

Except Harry.

He was still on the floor.

Snape deducted a million points from Gryffindor, but since everyone was watching Draco and Ron’s fight, no one noticed.

Crabbe and Goyle shared a bag of cheese-and-onion crisps and threw the broken ones at Harry.

Professor Trelawney predicted Harry’s death as a result of the fight.

No one cared, except Parvati and Lavender.

“I love you, Draco,” said Mr. Snugglekins, Draco’s teddy bear.

“I love you too, Mr. Snugglekins,” Draco replied, hugging the bear.

Hagrid and Fang put a flaming paper bag of dog poo at the entrance of the Forbidden Forest for the centaurs to find.

Snape deducted a hundred points from Ravenclaw because no one watched his striptease at the karoke contest.

Sirius and Remus finished having sex, and decided to do it again.

Somewhere in Surrey, Vernon Dursley tripped over a shoe.

“Ha-ha,” laughed Dudley.

The talking rock burbled underneath the lake.

And somewhere, somewhere, one very frustrated author sat banging her head against the keyboard for ideas.

Karoke Contest

Chapter 80 - Karoke Contest


To perk the students up during the dreary winter months, especially as a freezing January merged into a sub-zero February, the Hogwarts staff decided to hold a karoke contest in the Great Hall. A huge sign-up sheet was tacked next to the hourglasses counting House points, and students were encouraged to sign up. Staff members as well signed a secret sign-up sheet in the staff office.

“Are you going to compete, Harry?” Ron asked one morning. Harry nearly choked on his bacon.

“What, me? No way! I can’t sing to save my life.”

“I thought that’s what karoke was all about.”

“Yeah, but still...” Harry squirmed to imagine the whole school, including Cho, hearing him sing. The very idea was atrocious. He shook his head firmly and concentrated on his food.

“I wonder who will be competing,” Hermione said. “This could turn out to be quite interesting.”

Ginny bounced over and grabbed a muffin. “Guess what! I’m in the karoke contest!”

“Cool!” Harry said, while Ron gagged. “What are you going to be singing?”

“Well, I was hoping to do a piece with three other people... Luna and Susan already volunteered to do it. Hermione, will you help, too?”

“Sure,” Hermione said, smiling. “What are we going to be singing?”

“’Lady Marmalade’,” Ginny said promptly.

Hermione’s smile faltered; but she had already promised to participate. She cleared her throat and managed, “Er... lovely.”

Harry and Ron stifled giggles.

When the night of the karoke contest arrived, the majority of Hogwarts shuffled into the Great Hall to find that the House tables had been replaced by hundreds of folding chairs. The staff table was standing against one wall, with Madame Hooch, Madame Pomfrey, Filch, Professor Trelawney, and Professor Smythe acting as judges. A makeshift stage had been erected in the place where the staff table usually stood, with curtains on either side of it to provide a kind of dressing room for the students who would be preforming. Harry and Ron took seats in the middle row, comfortably close to the stage.

At last, everyone was seated. Dumbledore, who was acting as the emcee, ascended the stage and spoke into his wand as if it were a microphone. “Our first performers are Miss Ginny Weasley, Miss Hermione Granger, Miss Luna Lovegood, and Miss Susan Bones, with their rendition of “Lady Marmalade”. Enjoy!”

Music blared from nowhere, making everyone jump. The four girls danced out on stage, clad in skimpy lingerie and top hats. Harry blanched; Ron drooled as he stared at Hermione’s fishnet-clad legs. Catcalls and hoots resounded throughout the hall, so that the song could barely be heard. At least if the girls sucked at singing, no one could tell, Harry thought to himself.

“Wonderful!” Dumbledore said, applauding. “Our next act is Draco Malfoy, singing ‘Hallelujah’!”

“Eh?” Harry and Ron sweatdropped as Draco meandered up on stage, lugging a guitar and dressed like some hokey Nashville country star. He began to play, and wailed: “I've heard there was a secret chord... That David played, and it pleased the Lord.... But you don't really care for music, do you?...”

His singing was awful; people’s teeth were set on edge, and the occasional twang! of a breaking guitar string only made the song sound worse. Draco continued to warble, unaware that half the audience was now bleeding profusely from their ears; finally Dumbledore had had enough.

“SILENCIO!” Draco fell mercifully silent; he burst into unheard tears and ran off the stage. Harry and Ron giggled like the meanies they were.

The karoke contest lasted for several hours. Cho sang “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls (her performance stored carefully away in Harry’s mind for future wanking material); Ernie Macmillan delivered a stirring rendition of “Stacey’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne; Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore did a lovely duet of the “Beauty and the Beast” song; Justin Finch-Fletchley scarred everyone for life by singing “The Ballad of Maxwell Demon” while wearing nothing but pink satin pants and bright silver lipstick; Professor Flitwick sang the “Lollipop Guild” song from “The Wizard of Oz”. Finally, the last act was up.

“This is a surprise act,” Dumbledore announced. “The person who volunteered did so at the last minute, and wished to keep their identity a secret until this moment. So, our Mystery Guest will now sing their rendition of ‘I’m Too Sexy’!”

The curtain rose as upbeat music began playing. Harry and Ron were horrified to see Snape standing on stage, wearing a pink tank top and red leather hot pants!

“I’m too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love... Love’s going to leave me... I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt....” At this point, Snape slipped out of his tank top and threw it into the audience. Harry shrieked like a woman as it landed in his lap.

Snape continued to sing.”So sexy it hurts.... and I’m too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan... New York and Japan.... ” He began undoing his belt.

“AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!” Chaos erupted as the entire Great Hall rang with terrified screams, and the students started running out doors and jumping out of windows to get away from the horror.

“Boost student morale, my ARSE!!” Dumbledore was heard to yell, as he fled in the direction of the Quidditch pitch.

When We Was Fab

Chapter 79 - When We Was Fab


It was time for Potions. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the other Gryffindors shuffled into Snape’s dungeon with a certain feel of dread. After all, it was Potions.

They received quite a nasty shock when they entered. Snape was sitting on his desk, wearing bellbottomed jeans, a tye-dyed t-shirt, several strings of love beads, a peace medallion, and a pair of rose-tinted sunglasses.

The whole class entered one by one and gawked at Snape as they sat down.

“Um... is this like a 60’s acid flashback, or has he gone nuts?” Harry whispered.

“I have no idea,” Hermione whispered back.

Once the class had gathered, Snape rose and closed the door. The cuffs of his jeans were so ridiculously huge that they entirely hid his feet. Harry would have giggled, had he not been so weirded out.

Finally, Draco Malfoy summoned the courage to speak. “Um... Professor.... why are you dressed like that?”

“Draco, man, it’s like... it’s like, for an anniversary,” Snape said, in a misty tone that sounded quite unlike his usual nasty, venomous self.

“Ann- anniversary?” Draco stammered, still not able to absorb his favourite teacher’s changes.

“It’s, like, the anniversary of the day I accepted the truths of peace and love,” Snape said breezily, sitting down on his desk.

Harry didn’t believe Snape had ever grasped the concepts of truth and love, but he summoned the bravery to speak anyway. “Erm - Professor - when - well... when did you... grasp this?”

“It was in the 70’s,” Snape said dreamily. “It was all about free love and protesting the war in Vietnam, man. It was all about... you know, livin’ and breathin’ and not being hassled by the man.”

“The... man?” Ron said blankly.

Snape nodded vigorously. “Yeah. You know, the man. Society, authority, that kind of stuff.”

“Oh,” Ron said faintly.

“Back when we were fab,” Snape said happily. “Flowers in your hair, listenin’ to the Beatles... making love in the grass... good times. The 70’s never should have ended, man.”

Harry twitched. He didn’t want to think of Snape making love anywhere at anytime, much less in the grass during the 70’s.

“I tell you, it was me and my friends, hangin’ out.” Snape smiled. “Lucius... Crabbe... Goyle... Bella.... truly awesome. Bella was great in the sack... wild, she was... most people couldn’t keep up with her...”

Harry twitched even more violently.

“Then there were Lupin and Black... they were gods in those tight jeans, I swear. They got me hot as anything, watching them kiss. And Potter too... I would’ve... oh man, I would’ve done anything with them....”

Harry screamed, and fainted.

Scrabble

Chapter 78 - Scrabble


It was a boring day at Grimmauld Place. To keep themselves entertained, Sirius, Remus, Bill, and Tonks were playing Scrabble.

Remus placed a few tiles down on the board. Antique. “Double word score. Plus, I used all my letters, so six points for that.”

Bill tallied up the points as Remus took more letters from the box. Tonks stared down at the letters she had, her tongue in the corner of her mouth.

“Um... let’s see.” She joined some tiles to the beginning of Remus’ word. “Argon. It’s an element.”

“Very good,” Remus complimented her, as Bill added up her points.

Sirius yawned as he watched the goings-on. He had never liked Scrabble. Though it was one of Remus’ infatuations, Sirius just couldn’t get into it. As far as he was concerned, it was the most boring game Muggles had ever invented, besides Monopoly. He favoured exciting games like Mousetrap, Operation, and Candy Land. His eyelids drooped as he stared at the board. He wondered dully who had invented Scrabble in the first place. It was a game for geniuses. It must have been those people who invented Trivial Pursuit. That was another game Sirius hated.

His eyelids drooped further, and he rested his chin on his arms, staring at the board as Bill contemplated his move. His eyes closed and he fell asleep.

Bill reached over and dropped his tiles on the board, joining them with Tonks’. “ Nifty. Double Word score.”

“Your turn, Siri,” Remus said, prodding his dozing lover. Sirius snorted, blinked, and gazed down at his letters. He had a C, a U, a K, two F’s, a G, and an O. He blinked at them, still half-asleep. He still hated Scrabble. It was time to admit his displeasure. He chose six letters and dropped them down, joining them to Bill’s F.

Remus craned his neck to read them. “F... U...C...K...O...F...F.... Fuc- oh, my! SIRIUS!”

“I hate this game,” Sirius said simply.

“He makes his point quite eloquently,” Tonks muttered, as Remus whacked Sirius upside the head.

“And he got Triple Word Score with that,” Bill said miserably.

Go Fish!

Chapter 77 - Go Fish!


Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting by a window, trying to amuse themselves during break. Hermione had a pack of cards in her bag (normally used for playing solitaire during slow times), and she and Harry decided to teach Ron how to play Go Fish.

“The rules are really simple, Ron,” Harry assured his best mate. “The idea is to try and match up the cards you’re holding. You can ask me or Hermione if I have any of the cards you need. If not, you have to pick from the pile. After all the cards are gone, we count who has the most matches, and that person’s the winner.”

“Okay,” Ron said, confident that this was at least one Muggle thing he could understand. “Let’s play.”

Hermione dealt the cards, and the game began.

“Hermione, do you have any threes?” Harry asked.

“Sure,” Hermione said, handing the Three of Diamonds to Harry, who matched it with his Three of Clubs and set them by his side. Hermione turned to Ron.

“Ron, do you have any fives?”

“Yeah,” Ron said, handing over his Five of Hearts. Hermione paired it with her Five of Spades and placed them in her lap.

Ron glanced down at the seven cards in his hand and contemplated what to ask. “Um. Harry, do you have any aces?”

“No, sorry,” Harry said. “Go Fish.”

Ron stared at him. Then he sighed, opened the window, and pointed his wand at the lake. “Accio fish!”

A squirming fish flew out of the lake and into Ron’s outstretched hand.

“Um... Ron... that’s not exactly what I meant....” Harry sweatdropped.

“Oh, okay.” Ron levitated the fish back into the lake. “Accio giant squid!”

“AAAAUGHH!” Hermione and Harry fell over backwards as the giant squid rose out of the lake and zoomed towards the castle....

Human Piece of Toast

Chapter 76 - Human Piece of Toast


“Ow.”

Everyone at the Gryffindor table was inclined to feel slightly sympathetic towards Seamus, who had returned from his Christmas holidays with a spectacular sunburn. Though it was now late in January, Seamus was still the colour of a broiled lobster.

“Ow. Ow.” Seamus’ burn was beginning to peel, and every time he tried to scratch it, it hurt.

“Where did you go again, Seamus?” Ginny asked, staring at her friend’s violently orange arm.

“Portugal,” Seamus replied, trying to scratch his neck. “Ow. Ow!”

“Didn’t you think to bring any suntan lotion?” Harry inquired.

Seamus stared blankly at him. “Suntan... lotion?”

Harry stared back. “Yeah, you know... the stuff Muggles put on their skin to keep from getting burned?”

“Ohh... no. Me mam doesn’t believe in it. She prefers Sun-Deflecting Charms.”

“She needs a new strategy,” Harry muttered.

“So, are your parents as burned as you are?” Dean wanted to know.

“No.” Seamus scratched his nose. “Ow.”

“Oh. So I guess they didn’t spend as much time in the sun as you did, huh?”

Seamus blinked. “Who said anything about being in the sun?” he asked. “I accidentally got locked in one of the Muggle tanning beds.”

“Ow,” everyone replied, wincing.

Hermione made a face. “Those tanning beds are so dangerous. Even with charms or lotion, it’s still not a good idea. It can cause cancer...”

As Hermione rambled on, Ron raised an eyebrow at Seamus. “What is a tanning bed? A sort of oversized toaster?”

“I suppose you could say that. And I’m the toast.”

“Now I get it!” said Ron triumphantly.

Remus' Fan Club

Chapter 75 - Remus’ Fan Club


Remus sat at the table, calmly eating his porridge.

Well, it seemed like he was calm. But inside, he was seething with anger and jealousy.

Why, why, was everyone as strongly attracted to Sirius as he was? It just wasn’t fair. Remus loved Sirius and hated for other people to look at him. And yet, he was jealous of Sirius. Why didn’t anyone ever fall in love with him?

Well, Sirius had fallen in love with him, and still loved him. But Remus couldn’t pretend he wouldn’t mind some attention from others every once in awhile. Unfortunately, his lycanthropy turned most people off.

Sirius wandered into the room, fresh out of bed. It was eleven-thirty. “G’morning, love,” he yawned.

“Have you been sleeping late?” Remus demanded.

“Of course not, darling,” Sirius lied, pulling his hair over his face to hide the sleep creases.

Remus rolled his eyes as he got up to put his bowl in the sink. As he passed his lover, Sirius grabbed him by the waist and pulled him close. “I love you,” he said, kissing Remus’ forehead.

“I love you too,” Remus said, bemused. Sirius was never this affectionate or romantic in the mornings. He was either asleep or randy.

Tonks bounced in. “Wotcher, lads!” She sidled up to them and touched Remus’ sleeve. “Good morning, Remus. You’re looking so cute today!”

“Er - thanks?” Remus ducked as Sirius made to hit Tonks.

“Step away from the werewolf!”

“Aww, but he’s so cute,” she protested.

“Stop arguing,” Mrs. Weasley had entered the kitchen. “Remus is attractive, but he wouldn’t want you, Tonks. A motherly woman is more for him.” She smiled sweetly at Remus. Sirius ground his teeth.

“Molly, I’m warning you -!”

“Shut up, Black,” snapped Snape, sweeping through the door clutching a small cauldron. “Your Wolfsbane potion, Mr. Sexy,” he purred, sidling up to Remus, who began to sweat as he backed away.

“Get out of here, Snivellus!” Sirius roared, hurling a saucepan at Snape’s head and missing by inches.

“I could sell you a black-market sex toy, Lupin,” Mundungus contributed. “Like... me, perhaps!”

“Dung... d’you have a death wish?!” Sirius yelled, flinging a mayonnaise jar at Mundungus’ head.

“Siri, calm down,” Remus said, alarmed.

“Oh, Remus,” said Bill, appearing out of nowhere, “You’re looking awfully hot today. Can I help you remove some of those clothes?”

“ARRRGH!” Sirius hurled a handful of silverware at Remus’ admirers, scattering them. He tightened his grip around Remus’ waist and glared at his opponents. “Remus is MINE, and I’ll prove it, even if I have to take him right here, in front of you all!”

“Please do!” cried Tonks.

“AAARGH!” Remus woke up with a scream. Sirius stirred beside him and mumbled sleepily, “Wha’s it, love?”

“I think Ron’s toadstool dreams are contagious,” Remus gasped.

Harry's Profit Margin

Chapter 74 - Harry’s Profit Margin


One cold morning, Hermione and Ron emerged from their dormitories to find Harry sitting at a table in the common room, reading a long scroll of parchment.

“Hi, Harry. What’s wrong?” Hermione said, noticing the troubled look on Harry’s face.

“Sales of the Deluxe Honeydukes’ Harry Doll are down,” Harry mumbled.

Hermione and Ron exchanged looks. Perhaps all this attention had driven Harry insane, or they had misheard him. “What did you say?”

“Look!” Harry stretched the parchment across the table for them to view. “The Transforming Professor Lupin Action Figure has been selling quite well, and so has the Transforming Sirius Black Action Figure! But Dementor Fun Playset Harry isn’t moving!”

“What is this?” Ron asked.

“My profit margin!” Harry raved. “All the income from my books, my movies, my merchandise!”

“Why are you so concerned?” Hermione asked. “I thought you hated being famous.”

“No one likes to know their action figure places second to Snape’s,” Harry grumbled.

“Look at this!” Hermione’s eyes were gleaming. “The Hermione Honeydukes doll is a top seller among female fans!”

“And look! The Ron Weasley Burrow Playset is rated in the top ten for ages six to eleven!” Ron added.

“Hagrid Beach Towel sales are up seven hundred percent!”

“Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavour Beans are a hit with the Muggles!”

“Dumbledore’s Office Playset and the Potions Class Slime Maker are quite pouplar within the three-to-twelve age set,” Hermione observed. “But the Harry Potter Toothpaste Kit and the Harry Potter Golf Club Covers aren’t selling!”

Harry ground his teeth.” Don’t you see? I’m the famous one, and yet no one buys my stuff!”

“Hey, you’re right.” Ron glanced down at the end of one of the columns. “Quidditch Fun Harry has only sold three items, ever.”

“And your Halloween costumes are doing abysmally,” Hermione said sadly.

“Quidditch Fun Draco Malfoy outsold you, Harry!” Ron gasped.

Harry seized the parchment away and stuffed it in his bag. “Stupid thing. I wouldn’t even care, if it weren’t for the fact my entire income comes from those stupid toys!”

“It figures,” Hermione and Ron said together, standing up. Their pockets were bulging with Galleons, the profits from the sales of their own action figures.

“Stupid profit margin,” Harry muttered.

Homework

Chapter 73 - Homework


It was a typical day in the Hufflepuff common room.

Meaning, Hannah Abbot was having another one of her drama queen rants. Justin, Ernie, and Susan were determinedly ignoring her, trying to keep their minds on their Herbology essays. But Hannah’s shrill voice soon penetrated their eardrums, making them wince and look up.

“Why is it even called homework?” she demanded of them. “We don’t even do it at home! We do it at SCHOOL!”

“Well, as we live here ten months out of twelve, one can only assume Hogwarts is partially our home, darling,” Susan said simply, turning back to her essay.

“That’s besides the point!” Hannah cried. “Why do they need to force so much work on us? We’re only children!”

“We’re sixteen years old,” Ernie said, dipping his quill in his ink. “I hardly think we qualify as children any longer, Hannah.”

Hannah spluttered, trying to think of a comeback. “Doesn’t it concern you that we could be... doing... anything else besides this?”

“Like what?” Justin inquired. “Painting our toenails and gossiping about boys, perchance?”

“Actually, yes,” Hannah said. “That sounds like fun !”

“Yeah, it does,” Justin admitted.

Ernie twitched and moved his chair slightly away from Justin’s. “That’s not the point,” he said sternly, adopting the prefect manner he had had long before he ever became a prefect. “Painting our toenails won’t help us get a job after school.”

“We’ll see about that,” Hannah mumbled. “Susan and Justin and I can open our own pedicure shop.”

“Sounds fun!” Susan said.

“”Let’s start now!” cried Justin.

The three bolted, leaving behind a scatter of parchment. Ernie sighed, and continued on with his Herbology essay. He finally finished two hours later, rolling it up carefully and placing it in his bag. Then he cleaned up the table his friends had left such a mess.

“I believe I’m in the mood for a pedicure now,” he said to no one in particular. “And want to see what Justin thinks of that cute little Colin Creevey.”

Toes wiggling in anticipation, he skipped off to find his friends.

Crookshanks The Prince, Part 2

Chapter 72 - Crookshanks The Prince, Part Two


Though Ron hated Crookshanks as he was now, the entire female population (and some of the male population) of Hogwarts, Hermione included, was head-over-heels for him.

“He’s so gorgeous!” Parvati Patil sighed one morning, as she and Lavender passed Ron by without a glance, making him feel like a slug.

“It’s so not fair that Hermione gets all the hot guys,” Lavender pouted. “First she’s hanging around with Viktor Krum, and then Sirius Black... and now Crookshanks...”

“Crookshanks is her cat!” Ron burst out furiously.

The two girls gave him withering glances. “Maybe he was, “ Parvati replied scathingly, “But now he’s a really hot prince. Come on, Lavender, let’s go see him! He must be at breakfast with Hermione by now!”

Ron followed slowly as the girls leaped out of the portrait hole and tore down to breakfast. Halfway down he encountered Harry, who was walking just as slowly and looking just as gloomy.

“What’s up, mate?” Ron mumbled.

“Cho fancies Crookshanks now,” Harry moaned. Both boys felt hugely dejected.

“Dejector, rejector, infector, detector!” sang James Hetfield, holding an impromptu “Dirty Window” jam in the middle of the corridor.

Miserably, Harry and Ron ignored the singing and entered the Great Hall. Already a huge mob of students was clustered around the Gryffindor table. Ron and Harry squeezed through to take seats across from Hermione, who was being waited on by the cheerfully smiling Crookshanks.

“More juice, my lady?” he was asking, holding a pitcher of pumpkin juice aloft. Hermione nodded, and Crookshanks poured it for her, his gingery hair shining in the sunlight pouring through the windows, his skin looking as white and delicious as cream. He was so beautiful that even the mundane task of pouring juice seemed somehow holy when he did it.

Ron scowled. Quite the audience had collected to gawk at Crookshanks. Among them were Parvati, Lavender, Hannah, Susan, Cho, Luna, Ginny, Pansy, Millicent Bulstrode, Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Draco Malfoy, and, for some reason, Sirius, Remus, and Dumbledore. All were gazing at the cat-turned-prince with sappy smiles on their faces.

“Oh, Hermione, you’re so lucky!” Ginny sighed.

“I would kill to have someone like that,” Cho gushed. Harry gripped his goblet so hard his knuckles were white.

“Miss Granger, could we trouble you to borrow your friend?” Professor Sprout and Professor McGonagall said in unison.

“I’ll give Gryffindor five thousand points if you let me have him for fifteen minutes!” Dumbledore offered.

“Hermione, may I please , please have hot, kinky, gay sex with your cat?” Sirius begged.

“Please, please,” Crookshanks laughed. “I belong to Miss Hermione only! While I’m flattered... I love only her....” To prove his point, he kissed Hermione on the lips.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” screamed Ron. He woke up and tumbled out of bed with a crash.

The lamp beside the next bed clicked on and Harry blinked down at his best mate, who was now sprawled on the floor in a tangle of bedclothes. “I guess the toadstool dreams haven’t stopped yet, huh?”

“Please kill me,” Ron whimpered.

Voodoo Lady

Chapter 71 - Voodoo Lady


It was a normal day at the Malfoy household. Lucius was moping because Draco had returned to school, and he had no one to sit in his lap and cuddle with. Narcissa still hadn’t recovered from discovering that Lucius had a new lover, and was still wondering who on Earth it could possibly be. Rodolphus was dozing in his broom cupboard. Rabastan was munching on Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavour Beans while he watched television. And Bellatrix was... Bellatrix was where?

She was in her bedroom, sitting at the sewing machine. Normally, she hated sewing, but this was a task better done on her own.

“Ow!” She cursed as she pricked herself for the hundredth time. Wiping the blood off on her hanky, she applied another Band-Aid.

She bent down busily, her mind on her work instead of her stinging fingers. She was busy making a small doll. It was dressed in a scrap of grey cloth, and had painted-on eyes.

“There.” The sewing was finished. Now for the final touch. She opened her drawer and pulled out an envelope. Inside the envelope were a bunch of clippings of black hair. Smiling, Bellatrix glued these to the doll’s head, giving it a long, scraggly mane.

“AHA!” She was done! It was a perfect doll of her cousin, Sirius.

“Now, I’ll make you pay,” she said, seizing a handful of pins.

STAB.

Meanwhile, at Grimmauld Place, Sirius was sitting between Remus and Bill. He was sniggering at the cartoons in the Quibbler. The rest of the Order was there as well, taking advantage of the children’s absence by having a huge, important meeting. Once Dumbledore and Hagrid arrived, it would be time to start.

Snape was sitting across from Sirius. Suddenly he screamed, and toppled out of his chair.

There was a pause. Then McGonagall spoke up. “Er... Severus?”

“I’m fine. I - AAARGHH!” Snape rolled over, clutching at his stomach. “OW!!!”

“What are you up to now, Snivelly?” Sirius demanded.

“It’s not -aaaaarrrrghhh!” Snape grabbed his head. “It’s like - PINS - ARE - STABBING -ME -”

Bellatrix was still merrily stabbing her voodoo doll, convinced that she was hurting Sirius. “Just you wait!” she sang, thrusting another pin into the doll’s crotch.

“ARRRRGHHHH!” Snape was in intense pain. The rest of the Order were in an uproar, trying to determine what was going on.

“It’s voodoo!” Kingsley cried.

“It’s a ghostly curse!” Tonks wailed.

“It’s the Dark Lord’s doing!” Moody roared. “I told you to have CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”

Dumbledore appeared, took stock of what was going on, and tapped Snape firmly with his wand. “Finite Incantatum!”

Bellatrix’s doll burst into flames and crumbled into ash. The voodoo curse was lifted.

“Not fair!” Bellatrix burst into tears. She had just retrieved her spider-smashing mallet from under the bed.

The hair clippings she had taken from Grimmauld Place’s dustbins had been Snape’s. He had hired Kreacher to trim his hair.

“I’ll never cut my hair again, ever!” Snape wailed.

“You’ll look like Sirius,” Bill said.

“EWWW!” Snape cried, and burst into tears.

Hagrid's Tiki Hut

Chapter 70 - Hagrid’s Tiki Hut


Once the Hogwarts Express had arrived at Hogsmeade, and Harry and his friends had been safely extracted (utilizing a crowbar), the students got in the thestral-drawn carriages for the ride up to the school. Harry noticed a commotion at Hagrid’s hut the moment his carriage turned into the drive.

Curious, Harry hurried down to Hagrid’s as soon as the carriage stopped. Hagrid’s whole house was surrounded by citronella-burning tiki torches, and an enormous fire was burning in a pit. Over it was a spit with a slowly rotating pig skewered on it. The four House tables and the staff table were sitting on the lawn, surrounded by torches.

“Harry! Good ter see yeh, mate, good ter see yeh!” Hagrid bounded over. Harry stared. Despite the fact it was January, Hagrid was dressed only in sandals and a grass skirt. A lei of bright flowers hung around his neck. But then again, between all the tiki torches and the pig roast, it was nearly as warm as Hawaii outside the castle.

Hagrid draped a lei around Harry’s neck, and put some on Ron, Hermione and Ginny, who had wandered over and were looking dumbfounded. Harry blinked rapidly. In fact, the whole school was heading this way, and they were all wearing leis.

“Welcome! It’s our special Hogwarts Luau!” Dumbledore stood. He was wearing a grass skirt and a loud Hawaiian shirt, plus several bright leis. His long silver hair was decorated by pair of flowery barrettes. (Sirius had been right about hairclips being IN this season.) The sight was disturbing. “Dig in!”

As everyone took their seats, dumbfounded and confused, food appeared on the tables. There was poi and roast pig; coconut milk and pineapples; Jell-O on pineapple rings; bananas, breadfruit, and lots of other exotic things Harry couldn’t identify.

He looked up at the staff table. The teachers were dressed in fashion similar to Hagrid and Dumbledore. Even Snape was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! Harry blinked rapidly to be sure his eyes weren’t just playing tricks on him. No, Snape really was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!

The teachers were downing pina coladas and maguritas. Hagrid was cutting up the roast pig and distributing it to the students who had queued up in front of him for a slice.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged glances.

“Well. I guess we can have some fun,” Harry shrugged.

With that, he put on a giant straw hat. Ron Transfigured his robes into a Hawaiian shirt and baggy shorts, and Hermione turned hers into a flowery bikini and sarong.

“Time for pig,” Harry grinned, and they seized their plates and ran to join the queue.

How NOT To Be Seen

Chapter 69 - How NOT To Be Seen


The children were on the Hogwarts Express, on their way back to Hogwarts for the second term. They were bored. So Harry had rounded up Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Luna, Ernie Macmillan, Hannah Abbot, Justin Finch-Fletchly, Susan Bones, and Cho to play “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”.

It was a nice idea, but there were so many kids squished into the compartment that they couldn’t move.

“So, what are we supposed to be doing?” Ernie asked from somewhere in the luggage rack.

“We’re playing ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’,” Harry explained patiently. “It’s a funny Muggle show.”

“I’ve never watched Muggle Telefission,” Susan said in a worried voice.

“You don’t have to.”

“Harry! I’m squished!” Ginny yelled from the floor, where she was unseen amongst the tangle of limbs and robes.

“Me too!” Justin called.

“Shh! I’m trying to explain the rules!” Harry was quite bossy when in charge. “We’re going to start the first part of the game, and it’s called “How NOT To Be Seen”.”

“That’s easy!” Hermione said. Her voice was slightly muffled because her face was squished against the wall. “You can use an Invisibility Cloak, or a Disillusionment Charm, or an Invisibility Charm.... Chameleon Ghouls can turn into ordinary things around them, or blend into walls, in order to sneak around....”

“No, no!” Harry protested.

“Wait, I saw that episode!” Dean interrupted. “The people would hide, then when the announcer called them and they stood up, they’d get shot, so they stopped standing up, and the announcer just blew them up instead!”

“That’s not fun!” yelped Parvati. Luna’s unmistakable giggle sounded from behind Ron.

“Has anyone figured out that “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” is a dumb name?” Hannah said, working her way into another patented Abbot Drama Queen Bit. “Who ever heard of a Flying Circus? How is anyone supposed to go and see it if it’s flying?”

“Hey, you’re right,” Seamus said from on top of the lamp.

“I need to go to the bathroom, but I don’t know where I am,” said Ron.

“Has anyone seen my Mimbulus mimbletonia ?” Neville asked in a worried tone. “Or Trevor?”

“I hate to say this, Neville, but I just stepped in something squishy,” Cho said in a sad voice. “But I’m not sure if it’s a toad or a Mimbulus mimbletonia.”

“It’s neither,” Lavender said. “It was my cheese sandwich. That’s okay. Cheese is bad for my beautiful arteries.”

“I can’t breathe,” said Dean.

“I think I know how not to be seen, Harry,” said Ginny. “Just hide in here with us. I can’t see anyone.”

“Me too,” Harry agreed. “Let’s spread out.”

There was a pause. Then:

“Harry? I think we’re stuck.”

Hairclips Are IN This Season!

Chapter 68 - Hairclips Are IN This Season!


Breakfast time at Grimmauld Place. Harry and Ron were eating the scrambled eggs Remus had set out for them when Hermione entered the room. Her bushy brown hair was not held back by her usual Alice band, but by a pair of glittery blue hair clips in the shape of butterflies.

“You look very nice today, Hermione,” Remus smiled at her. “What lovely barrettes.”

“Thank you, Remus.” She smiled back as he set her breakfast in front of her. Harry and Ron, of course, didn’t pay the slightest attention.

Ginny entered the kitchen a few minutes later. Her wavy, flaming-red hair was clipped up in a pretty pink barrette decorated with silver stars. Remus smiled at her, putting eggs on a plate and serving it to her. “You look lovely today, Ginny. I like your barrette.”

“Thanks, Remus,” Ginny grinned back. Harry and Ron continued to chow down, completely oblivious to the changing hairstyles of their friends.

The kitchen door opened once more and Sirius came in. His long, shiny black hair was held back by two pairs of barrettes - one silver and oval-shaped, the other gold with pink hearts on the top. It made quite an improvement. For once his long hair was held out of his face.

Remus blinked rapidly as he served breakfast to his lover. “Er... Siri... what are you wearing?”

Sirius looked down at himself, plucking at the charcoal-grey robes he was wearing. “The usual,” he replied. “Why?”

“No.... I mean, what are you wearing in your hair?”

“Oh, those.” Sirius touched one of his hair clips. “Don’t you like them?”

“Aren’t they... girly?”

“Remmie!” Sirius looked offended. “Hairclips are IN this season!”

“He’s right, you know,” Hermione pointed out. “Why else d’you think we’re wearing them?”

“But - on a man?” Harry and Ron looked revolted as they stared at the glittery clips in Sirius’ hair.

“Hairclips are gender-neutral,” Ginny said defensively.

“He’s got hearts in his hair,” Harry whined.

“Honestly, you two are so unimaginative,” Hermione snapped. “I think they look good on Sirius. They make his hair look so nice.”

“My hair’s so black, it produces a blue sheen,” Sirius smirked, running his hands through his hair. Sure enough, it looked dark blue under the lights.

“That doesn’t solve the fact that you’re wearing girl’s clips in your hair!” Ron said.

“Would it make you feel better if I took them out?!” Sirius yanked the clips from his hair, so it hung in his eyes again. “There!”

“Thank you,” Harry and Ron chorused.

“You seem to be really uptight about me wearing girls’ stuff, so I suppose I’d better take off the panties I’m wearing, too, huh?”

Harry and Ron fainted. Remus, Ginny, and Hermione gaped at Sirius.

“I was kidding,” he said in exasperation. “Geez....”

Lord Of The Rings (Condensed Version)

Chapter 67 - Lord Of The Rings (Condensed Version)


Harry awoke one morning in December to find a shiny, golden ring on his pillow. He picked it up. It was shiny. It was golden. It was pretty. Harry liked it.

“Hey, Ron. Look at this!” he said.

“What is it?”

“A ring.”

“Wicked! Try it on!”

Harry did. He became invisible.

“Wow! It’s a magic ring!”

At that moment, Dumbledore appeared.

“Did I hear someone mention a magic ring?” He grabbed it from Harry and looked closely at it. “This is the One Ring! It will surely come to evil purposes if found by the Dark Lord! We must throw it into the fires of Mount Doom! I shall be your guide! And now, your Fellowship!”

POOF.

A smoke cloud billowed up in front of them. When it cleared, Harry and Ron saw six people standing beside Dumbledore: Hermione, Ginny, Sirius, Remus, Hagrid, and a random Hufflepuff boy we will call Tim.

“Behold your Fellowship!” Dumbledore cried. “Your fellow small people, Hermione and Ginny! Your guy-who-looks-like-a-bum-but-is-really-an-important-king, Sirius! Your elf-stand-in, Remus! Your dwarf-stand-in, Hagrid! And your guy-who-is-very-arrogant-and-wants-the-Ring-but-it-doesn’t-matter-because-he’ll-be-killed-by-Orcs-soon, Tim! And I am your wizard, Dumbledore! Harry, you are Ring-Bearer! And Ron, you are Ring-Bearer’s constant companion who may or may not be homosexually attracted to him!”

“WHAT?!” yelled Ron. “Me and Harry? Ewww!”

“What did you say about me being killed by Orcs soon?” Tim asked in alarm.

“Let us go, Fellowship!” Dumbledore gestured wildly with his wand. “To Mount Doom!”

“Wait!” Harry was pulled from the castle, still in his pajamas. “Where are we going?”

“Mount Doom!” Dumbledore pointed to a large volcano just beyond the Quidditch pitch. That was odd. Harry couldn’t remember seeing it there before.

“Look! A cave! Let’s take it! It will surely be a shortcut!” Sirius said.

“Okay!” They hurried in.

“Oh no! A big monster! A balrog! Aghhhh!” Dumbledore tumbled down an endless pit.

“Oh no! Dumbledore is dead!” Sirius led the way out of the caves.

“Give me the ring, Harry!” Tim demanded.

“No!” Harry yelled.

“Oh no!” cried Remus. “Orcs!”

The Orcs surrounded them. Harry put on his magic ring and turned invisible; he jumped into a nearby boat and sailed away, Ron clinging to the back of it. Two Orcs picked up Hermione and Ginny and carried them off. And a thousand arrows shot Tim in the chest!

“Argh! Our poor, befallen guide was right!” Tim cried, before dying.

The Orcs ran away. Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid were left standing stupidly over Tim’s corpse.

“Well, that could have gone worse,” Sirius said. “Well, I suppose we should go save Hermione and Ginny.”

“Argh!” Hermione cried as she was being carried away by Orcs. “Ginny! Wiggle!”

The two girls wiggled and were promptly dropped. They were picked up by an enormous tree, which dumped them at the feet of Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid.

“Thank you!” the girls cried. The motley crew continued on, until they saw an old man on a white horse.

“Look! It is Dumbledore!” they cried, running down to him. He waved his wand and horses appeared for them to ride.

“Come, fellow warriors!” he cried. “We must stop the Orcs from taking over Middle-Earth! I mean, Hogwarts! And to a lesser extent, we shall avenge the death of Tim!”

“There’s a plot twist no one informed me of,” Remus said, looking back several pages for any element of foreshadowing. He couldn’t find any, and gave up as Dumbledore’s army charged into battle with the Orcs.

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were struggling up the side of Mount Doom. Somewhere, randomly, they had picked up Draco, who was strangely obsessed with shiny things, and who kept muttering “My precioussss...” whenever he saw Harry’s shiny ring.

They reached the top of the mountain and looked into a bubbling lava pit.

“Gloop,” said the lava. Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

“We’ll need something to weigh the ring down,” Harry said. He and Ron thought for a moment, then smiled evilly. “Draco!”

“Yes?”

Harry flipped the ring to him. “Here, take my shiny ring.”

Draco’s eyes glazed over as he looked at the shiny ring. Harry and Ron nodded at each other. Then Ron got on his hands and knees behind Draco, and Harry pushed the stupefied Malfoy. Hard.

“AIIIIIEEEEE!” Draco plummeted into the lava. There was a huge explosion, and Mount Doom began to quake wildly. Harry and Ron clutched each other and wailed, thinking they were doomed, but just then a powder-blue carriage pulled by giant horses swooped down. The door opened and Sirius leaned out.

“Quick, hurry, get in!”

They did as they were told. As they flew over Hogwarts, they could see the fallen Orc army being absorbed by Mount Doom’s lava.

“Yay! The Ring has been destroyed!” Dumbledore said happily. “We rock!”

“I must be married so that I may become King!” Sirius said. “Remus, marry me!”

“Of course I will!” Remus and Sirius kissed.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” Ron sat up. He blinked. He was still in St. Mungo’s.

“Another toadstool dream?” Mrs. Weasley asked.

“Hold me,” Ron squeaked in fear.

Crookshanks The Prince

Chapter 66 - Crookshanks The Prince


Ginny had been reading too many faerie tales these days. They had been giving her scary ideas.

For instance, one morning at breakfast she produced a glass slipper and demanded that Remus put it on Sirius’ foot to see if Sirius was truly his princess. Sirius had retaliated by throwing the slipper out the window, where it hit a Muggle in the head. The Muggle immediately sold the slipper on Ebay for two million dollars.

Another time, she forced Ron to eat a strangely-coloured mushroom, claiming it would make him shrink. Ron had to be rushed to St. Mungo’s with severe toadstool poisoning.

Ginny had also claimed that Snape lived in a gingerbread house and ate children; Hagrid lived in a house on top of the clouds, where he hid an enormous fortune; and Harry had been abandoned in the jungle as a child, where he was raised by wolves and made friends with singing, dancing bears.

It was all quite ridiculous. Mrs. Weasley was quite worried by now. She had never known that Muggle faerie tales could be so mind-altering.

But the strangest thing happened when Ginny swore that Crookshanks was really a prince.

“He is ,” she insisted to the bemused population of Grimmauld Place, eyeing the grumpy cat which sat in Hermione’s lap. “He’s under a spell from a wicked witch, and we have to change him back.”

“And just how do we do that?” Ron asked sarcastically.

“It’s easy! Hermione needs to kiss him!” Ginny said proudly.

“Ew, no!” Hermione protested. “In the story, the frog was kissed by a princess that he loved! Crookshanks is always way more affectionate with Sirius than he is with me!” She dumped the cat in Sirius’ lap.

“But I’m not a princess,” Sirius replied quickly, dumping the cat back on Hermione. “I’m all man, okay?”

“I can attest to that,” Remus said, snuggling up to his lover. The others twitched, then looked back at Crookshanks. The cat mewed and looked up at Hermione.

“See! He wants you to kiss him!” Ginny said triumphantly.

“Well, okay,” Hermione said, and kissed he cat on the lips.

POOF! Crookshanks disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to be replaced by a sexy, sultry prince dressed in tight leather trousers and a silk shirt. He had gingery hair the color of Crookshanks’ fur, which fell gracefully into his golden eyes, and long, sexy legs. He smiled, revealing perfect teeth, and every knee in the house turned to water. Even Harry found himself questioning his sexuality at the sight of this gorgeous god.

“You’re all mine, my dear,” the prince murmured, bending down to kiss Hermione passionately.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” Ron screamed. He sat up, fighting against his blankets. He looked around wildly. Strange. He wasn’t in Grimmauld Place. He was at St. Mungo’s.

“Oh, darling, are you okay?” his mother asked anxiously. She and Mr. Weasley were sitting beside their son’s bed.

“Yeah... I just had a really weird dream...” Ron muttered.

“Poor dear. It must have been a hallucination brought on by that poisonous toadstool Ginny gave you.”

Lucius' New Lover

Chapter 65 - Lucius’ New Lover


Narcissa Malfoy had a problem.

It was a difficult, upsetting problem that made her cry.

She was certain that her husband was having an affair.

But the question was, with whom? She already knew about his affair with Snape, and of his secret lust for Lupin. She knew about the mild flirtation he had had with Bill Weasley at one time. She knew that Lucius had often gone to Sirius’ brother Regulus when they were younger. And she also knew the unnatural fondness he harboured for their own son. None of it bothered her, because none of his previous relationships were enough to make him leave her. But this... this might be it.

She couldn’t stand it anymore, and finally went for help. The only help available was her sister.

“Bella, darling! I think Lucius is having an affair!” Narcissa launched herself into her sister’s lap, sobbing.

Bellatrix put down her Game Boy, a thoughtful look on her face. “Well, dear. Let’s think.” She dried Narcissa’s tears with her hanky. “We’ll start at the beginning. You do know Lucius and Severus have their own Thursday-night routine, right?”

“Yes,” Narcissa sniveled pathetically.

“Okay. Then do you know that he sits around most times picturing Lupin naked?” Bellatrix asked, with a shudder at the thought of Remus naked. Thinking of Remus naked made her think of Sirius naked, which was truly disturbing (to her, at least).

“Yes,” Narcissa whimpered.

“Okay... what about Bill Weasley? They had a little touchy-kissy-feely thing going on for a little while,” Bellatrix said.

“He used to come home with red hairs on him!” Narcissa said. “Of course I knew!”

“Oh. Well... okay, this may scare you, but... remember when we thought Draco had found a pureblood girlfriend to shag? Well, he did - the bad news is, it’s Lucius.”

“I know about that too!” Narcissa sobbed. “I don’t care! As long as he’s with Draco, I know he’s not out all night!”

Bellatrix twitched. “Well, then, dear... I’m truly sapped for ideas. I have no clue who he could be messing with... it can’t be Rodolphus, I keep him locked in the broom cupboard when I’m not using him... and it can’t be Rabastan, he’s more interested in food than sex... that’s probably why he never got married....” Her face brightened. “Wait! What about Regulus? Did you know about them?”

“Yes,” Narcissa wailed. “And Regulus is dead now, so it can’t be him!”

“Right... then I really don’t know, dear. Maybe you’re just imagining it,” Bellatrix said soothingly, patting her sister’s head.

At that very moment, Lucius was getting out of his lover’s bed. He pulled on his leather trousers.

“Leaving so soon, Luci?” a voice purred from behind him.

“I’m sorry, My Lord. But I must,” Lucius said, fastening his robes and leaning down to kiss his lover.

“I’ll see you next Wednesday, then?” Voldemort asked.

“Of course, My Lord. I’ll bring the whipped cream.”

Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?

Chapter 64 - Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?



A week after Christmas, just a few days before the children were to return to Hogwarts, Rita Skeeter’s article about Sirius appeared in the Daily Prophet. Sirius seemed too nervous to open the paper; his hands were shaking as he took it from Hedwig.

“I can’t do it,” he said helplessly, thrusting the paper at Hermione. “You read it! I’m too nervous.”

Hermione took the paper and opened it to the right page. She cleared her throat and began to read:

“‘As a reporter, I’ve come across many things in the world that have astounded me, even left me speechless. I thought I’d seen it all, until the day I met one Sirius Black.’”

“That sounds like a promising opening,” Ron mumbled sarcastically.

“‘He seemed like a normal enough man on first sight, though his hair was much longer than regulation and he needed a shave quite badly; I also believe his cologne was Eau de Werewolf. His lover and godson slipped away even before I could say hello, but I got all I needed to know from Mr. Black himself. Perhaps more than I wanted to know.

‘When I asked him about Azkaban, he shuddered violently and refused to talk in detail about it. ‘None of your business’, he said shortly, gulping down the last half of his drink and immediately ordering another. He seemed quite tipsy already; I wondered how much he had had to drink before arriving. The man is clearly an alcoholic.’”

“WHAT?!” Sirius cried in despair, interrupting Hermione. “I am not! This woman is totally blowing it out of proportion! I had three drinks at the Three Broomsticks! That’s it!”

“I told you she’d slander you,” Harry said. Hermione resumed reading.

“‘I finally gave up pursuing the Azkaban query; he was trembling at the mere idea of it. Instead, I moved on to his relationship with Harry Potter. After all, being godfather and sole guardian of the Boy Who Lived must be a trial. But Mr. Black laughed it off, downing another drink and laughing loudly and crudely. ‘It’s easy, being a parent,’ he said dryly. ‘A few whacks every now and then will do it.’”

The others looked shocked; Sirius was outraged. “I didn’t say that!” he cried. “I’d never hit Harry! Or any of you kids, for that matter!”

Hermione nodded, looking upset, and began reading again. “‘When asked about his relationship with Remus Lupin, werewolf and ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, Mr. Black responded that he and Mr. Lupin had been together since their Hogwarts days. It is clear to this reporter that Mr. Black was more interested in the sexual aspects of the relationship. ‘Werewolves are great, if you get what I mean,’ he said to me - or at least, that’s what it sounded like; his words were quite slurred by now.’”

Remus growled. “How dare she!” he burst out furiously. “That evil woman! She’s making my Siri out to be a child-abusing drunk with nothing but sex on his mind!”

Sirius moaned.

“‘I asked Mr. Black if he was implying something. He merely responded with a lecherous wink, and I noticed that he was eyeing one of the men over at the next table.’”

“No!” Sirius cried in horror. “No, no! Remmie! I never would! I love you! She’s lying!”

Remus sniffled.” Am I that horrible to be with, that you have to check out other men at pubs?!”

“No, love! I wasn’t looking at anyone else! That wretched woman is making things up again!”

Remus huffed. “And after you bought me that lovely present -”

“Moony! I swear, it’s not true!” Sirius looked desperate.

“‘But the final blow came when our meal arrived,’” Hermione continued loudly, cutting off the argument. “‘I asked Mr. Black how he felt, being accused of murdering thirteen people, being responsible for the deaths of his godson’s parents, and being known as a murderer. When I did, he became so angry that he -’” she blinked rapidly. “‘- that he - he grabbed my hair and smashed my face into my dinner. So I must conclude that Mr. Black is an - i-insane murderer, and should not have slipped through the cracks of our shoddy judicial system.’”

Everyone was silent as Hermione finished reading. All eyes were on Sirius.

“So I smashed her face into her dinner,” Sirius said grudgingly. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I wish I had been there to see it,” Harry sighed.

Fred grinned and put an arm around Sirius’ shoulders. “Congratulations, mate. Now you look like an even crazier psycho murderer than you already did.”

Sirius burst into tears.

Hot For Teacher

Chapter 63 - Hot For Teacher


After that disappointing end to Christmas, everyone went to bed earlier than usual. Sirius and Remus were the only ones still up, sitting on the sofa in the drawing room. Sirius tried not to look at the empty corner where the Christmas tree had been.

“Remember, it’s not about trees and presents,” Remus reminded him softly, kissing his cheek. “It’s about the birth of Jesus.”

“I know,” Sirius said glumly. “But it’s also about peace and love, right? And yet, Snivellus stole our tree!”

“You shouldn’t have been hiding from him,” Remus said firmly. “I know you don’t like him, but you were being quite childish. Dumbledore is right - we should be forming and keeping as many alliances as possible. It’s our only defense against Voldemort. As Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘United we stand, divided we fall’.”

Sirius leaned against him. “I love it when you lecture me like that,” he said. “It brings out the professor-ness in you.”

“You never listened half as well to Professor McGonagall or any of the others.”

“They weren’t as sexy as you, Moony. Or as shaggable.”

Remus snuggled back. “Mmm. If you were one of my students, I wouldn’t have had a job for long.”

“It might be exciting to shag on a desk.”

“I thought we tried that in seventh year.”

“The teacher’s desk, I mean.”

“Oh, yes.” Remus giggled as Sirius’ breath tickled his neck. His mate’s fingers ventured up his shirt. “Sirius, that tickles!”

“It doesn’t tickle as much as the way I’d like to tickle you,” Sirius murmured in a sultry tone.

“Then take me to bed,” Remus gasped. “I want to see you in that new dressing gown... and have the opportunity to tear it off you...”

“Only if I get to give you one last surprise...” Sirius breathed.

“It’s a deal,” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand and pulled him into the bedroom. They didn’t talk until they were sitting on their bed, door locked and several Silencing Charms supplied, more for the children’s benefit than anyone else’s. “All right, love. What’s this surprise?”

Sirius sniggered slightly and reached under his pillow, drawing out a present wrapped in silver paper and burgundy ribbon. “Open it and see.”

Remus did so. He uncovered a small white box. Curiously, he lifted the cover, and gasped.

“Oh, Siri - it’s so beautiful -” his eyes filled with tears. “Oh, love -”

“I love you more than anyone, Remmie. I wanted to get this to show you just how much,” Sirius whispered huskily, taking the box from Remus’ hands. “Let me put it on you.”

Several hours later, they lay close together, panting, absolutely exhausted. Sirius’ new dressing gown had been put on, pulled off, and flung to the floor in a fit of passion; Remus was totally naked as well except for a frilly, lacy white garter tied high on his right thigh. Sirius fingered it lovingly.

“Do you like it, love?”

“Oh, yes.” Remus kissed him. “I never knew you had such a fondness for lace....”

“Partly, love. Mostly, I was just hot for teacher.”

Remus giggled delightedly as Sirius pulled the covers over their heads and began tickling him. It hadn’t been such a bad Christmas after all.

How The Potions Master Stole Christmas!

Chapter 62 - How The Potions Master Stole Christmas!



Christmas dawned bright and sunny, with several inches of snow on the ground. Harry and Ron woke promptly at seven, and began tearing into their presents. They got books from Hermione, candy from Tonks, the usual jumpers from Ron’s parents, and lots of other things. Harry and Ron had, ironically, bought each other the same book on international Quidditch teams, which made them giggle. Sirius and Remus had bought Harry a beautiful set of books (again), featuring moving paintings of all kinds of magical creatures. For some reason, they had bought Ron a can of spider poison. Harry was perplexed, but Ron was very pleased. Harry had gotten another pair of socks from Dobby. It was a very good Christmas.

After putting on his Weasley jumper and his mismatched new socks, Harry followed Ron down to the kitchen for breakfast. They walked in on a ‘loud discussion’ between Sirius and Remus. Long ago, they had been informed that Remus and Sirius never argued. They had ‘loud discussions’ instead.

“I’m telling you, it’s going to ruin my whole Christmas!” Sirius was saying.

“Lower your voice, Sirius! He'll only be here for a few minutes or so!”

Harry and Ron exchanged nervous looks. There was only one person whose appearance at Grimmauld Place could ruin Sirius’ whole Christmas.

“Are you talking about Snape?” they squeaked.

“Professor Snape, boys,” Remus reprimanded them. “He’ll be stopping by to drop off this month’s supply of Wolfsbane for me.”

“It’ll ruin the whole Christmas!” Sirius wept.

There was a definite cloud of gloom over the table as Harry, Hermione, Sirius, Remus, and the nine Weasleys ate breakfast. Remus, Mr. Weasley, and Mrs. Weasley seemed to be the only ones who didn’t associate Snape’s coming with impending doom.

Around noon, the doorbell rang. All the children froze.

“Hide me!” Bill cried, jumping into the pantry with the twins and shutting the door. Charlie crawled under the table, hiding behind the long tablecloth. Ginny and Hermione bolted to hide in the broom cupboard. Percy quaked with fear and squeezed himself behind the Welsh dresser. Ron and Harry exchanged looks, and, deciding this was an emergency, wedged themselves into the tiny, smelly cupboard which had once been Kreacher’s room. Sirius looked around wildly. All the hiding spots were taken. He hit the floor and squished under the table with Charlie.

“Hey -”

“Shh!”

“You’re being ridiculous,” Mrs. Weasley snapped.

“We don’t want to see Snivellus!” Sirius whispered. “He’s a thief of Christmas cheer! He’ll - steal Christmas!”

A chorus of “Noooo!’s came forth from the various hiding spots.

“Shh! He’s coming!”

Everyone fell silent as Snape and Remus entered the kitchen . Remus was carrying a small cauldron, which he placed in the icebox. “Thank you so much, Severus.”

Snape glanced suspiciously around. He could see feet peeking out from under the tablecloth. A shock of red hair was visible from behind the Welsh dresser, and eyes were peeking out from behind the cupboard doors. He kicked out.

“Ow!” Sirius yelped.

Sniggering, Snape nodded curtly to Remus and the Weasleys before turning to leave. Then he had an idea. Snape got an awful, clever idea.

Everyone had finally emerged from their hiding spots when an almighty noise was heard. THUMP, THUMP. It was soon followed by the sound of something being dragged. The front door slammed. Mrs. Black’s portrait began to scream.

“What was that?!” Sirius said, leading the way upstairs. He stopped, looking at the floor in horror. The others peeked around him.

“NOOOOOOOO!” they cried.

“Snivellus stole our Christmas tree!” Sirius wailed, pointing at the trail of pine needles that led to the door.

Snape cackled, putting the tree on a sleigh. Then up, up the side of Mount Crumpet, he rode with his load to the tip-top... TO DUMP IT!

And that was how the Potions Master stole Christmas!

The Rita Skeeter Interview

Chapter 61 - The Rita Skeeter Interview



Grimmauld Place was bustling with activity the next day. Everyone was busy cleaning and decorating the house. It was quite a task, but Harry was confident that they were finally getting an upper hand over the house. It had only taken them a year or so...

But he was surprised when he took a break from decorating the drawing room to get a glass of water, and found his godfather in the entry, putting on a scarf and coat.

“Are you going somewhere, Sirius?”

“Yeah. I got an owl from Rita Skeeter. She wants to interview me. You know, tell my side of the story, tell what my life has been like after being so wrongfully accused....”

“She’ll have you pointing out all the holes in the wizarding world’s justice system,” Harry said, handing his godfather a pair of gloves.

“Even if she didn’t ask, I’d have plenty to say on the topic.” Sirius grumbled, pulling on the gloves. Harry kept quiet. He knew quite well that Sirius was furious with the Ministry, partly because of his wrongful imprisonment, but also because of their refusal to believe Harry and their beastly treatment of werewolves.

“Can I come too?” Harry wheedled. Anything was better than staying in this dank, dusty house.

“I suppose...” Sirius gave him a Look. “But you know Rita’ll come after you like a shark who smells blood. Why don’t we get Remmie to come, and you two can hide in the background. I don’t want her messing with you anymore. She’s printed enough lies.”

“She might print lies about you, too,” Harry said dryly.

A few minutes later, Sirius, Harry, and Remus were on the Knight Bus, on their way to Hogsmeade. It was a typical bumpy, scary ride, and all three were more than glad to get off at the pub. As they entered the Three Broomsticks, Harry caught sight of Rita right away. She was wearing a hideous, lime-green macintosh over a set of neon pink robes. Sirius blinked several times, winced, and looked at Remus and Harry, who shrugged.

“Good luck, love,” Remus murmured, standing on tiptoe to kiss his mate’s cheek.

“Yeah. Try not to say anything that her Quick-Quotes Quill can twist into something unsavoury,” Harry warned.

“I’ll do my best. See you in an hour or so.” Sirius smiled bravely and headed off to Rita’s table. She looked up as he approached, and Remus and Harry ducked out the door quickly to avoid being seen.

They passed the hour quite uneventfully, ducking into shops when they got too cold, putting their heads together to think of what to get Sirius for Christmas. Remus ended up getting him a silk dressing gown. It was dove-grey and trimmed in deepest black, and for a few extra Sickles he had Sirius’ initials monogrammed on the front pocket. Harry got him a book entitled ‘Muggle Vehicles Meet Magic : That’s One Bad-Ass Bike' , and, as a joke, a bottle of Gilderoy Lockhart’s Fabulous Famous Hair Potion.

They hid their parcels under their cloaks before returning to the Three Broomsticks. They had no sooner reached the door when it flew open, expelling Rita Skeeter, who was covered in mush and screaming obscenities at the top of her lungs. Her paunchy photographer followed, cursing as well and wiping furiously at his camera lens with a hanky.

“Oh, Merlin,” Remus sighed.

A few seconds later, Sirius emerged, his hands in his pockets and his long hair fluttering in the wind. He looked grumpy. “Let’s go,” he muttered.

“Sirius, what happened?” Harry couldn’t help asking as they boarded the Knight Bus.

Sirius growled. “She called me a murderer so I grabbed her hair and smashed her face into her dinner,” he said simply.

Sirius And Mrs. Weasley

Chapter 60 - Sirius and Mrs. Weasley


Sirius Black would never be Molly Weasley’s favourite relative. In fact, Mrs. Weasley could have died happily if she had never known that immature, whiny, crude, slightly hypocritical, scraggly-looking clod was a relative. It had come as a complete shock when she had taken up residence at 12 Grimmauld Place and caught a glimpse of Sirius’ family tree only to see that she and Sirius had a few ancestors in common. She had often lain awake nights, wondering how this could be. Arthur didn’t seem to mind; he and Sirius got on rather well - even to the point where Arthur sometimes jokingly referred to Sirius as ‘Stubby’, after seeing that ridiculous article in The Quibbler. But Mrs. Weasley supposed she’d have to live with it. The children and the rest of the Order (except Snape) liked Sirius, and Harry and Remus loved him deeply. And after all, every family had a member whom they’d like to forget.

But it was almost Christmas, and Mrs. Weasley tried to warm up to her cousin in lieu of the holiday spirit. He was, it was true, a lot more pleasant to be around after being freed, and a lot more pleasant to look at now that he had a comb and clean clothes at his disposal. So Molly was determined to stay in good spirits.

That was hard to do after she found out why her son, daughter, and the others had been missing for almost twenty-four hours. She couldn’t contain her rage as she converged upon her rather frightened-looking cousin.

“HOW COULD YOU GET LOST?!” Mrs. Weasley roared. Pots and pans trembled on the walls. Several pieces of china fell from their shelves and smashed. Remus, Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley children were cowering in a corner. Sirius was standing before Molly, his eyes wide.

“HOW COULD YOU END UP IN IRELAND?! HOW CLUELESS ARE YOU?”

“Well, we ran out of money, you see, after buying petrol and doughnuts and using the pay toilets...”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST COME STRAIGHT HOME?! YOU DIDN’T NEED PETROL OR DOUGHNUTS OR PAY TOILETS!”

“Well, there was a traffic jam, you see....”

“BUT STILL! HOW DO YOU GET FROM WALES TO IRELAND WITHOUT REALISING YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY?!”

“I didn’t mean to! It was getting dark, and everyone was whining about being hungry!”

“WHAT ABOUT STREET SIGNS?! WOULD IT HAVE KILLED YOU TO READ ANY?!”

“I told you, it was dark!”

He was a frustrating, irritating man. Molly ground her teeth. He may have been thirty-six years old, but he acted more like he was still sixteen. “Why did it take you so long to think of the Knight Bus?” she inquired, trying to keep her voice under control. “Surely even you aren’t that stupid.”

He also had a very bad temper, and she was pushing it. His eyes turned icy. “I’m sure you didn’t mean that, Molly.”

“I’m sure I did. Honestly, Sirius, will you ever grow up and start acting like an adult? You’re supposed to be Harry’s role model, for heaven’s sake!”

“There you go again! You’re always telling me what a terrible godfather I am! Well, excuse me if I didn’t get much practise before I was wrongfully imprisoned in that hell!”

“You never would have been sent to Azkaban if you hadn’t gone off with the purpose of killing Pettigrew !-”

“YOU EXPECT ME TO SIT ON MY ARSE AFTER MY BEST FRIENDS WERE MURDERED?! HARRY NEEDED ME, DAMMIT!”

“YOU ALWAYS HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS, SIRIUS, BUT YOU NEVER ACT ON THEM!”

“WELL, PARDON ME FOR HAVING GOOOOOD INTENTIONS!”

“Now, Sirius.” Remus had removed his fingers from his ears (all the shouting was particularly hard on his sensitive wolf hearing) and stepped between his lover and Mrs. Weasley. “It was a simple mistake, Molly. Well, several mistakes. Well, more like a series of unfortunate events. It was partly my fault. I used Sirius’ money to buy breakfast for the children.” He smiled charmingly. Mrs. Weasley calmed down immediately, while Sirius’ eyes turned darker than usual and a naughty smile appeared on his face. Harry didn’t want to know what kind of lecherous thoughts his godfather was entertaining.

“Come on, it’s Christmas. Let’s just sit down to eat. We have a lot of work ahead of us.” Remus said soothingly.

It was okay. Decorating Grimmauld Place was a lot more fun than scrubbing Grimmauld Place. Everyone sat down to eat their supper, which had cooled considerably during Sirius and Mrs. Weasley’s argument. The meal went uneventfully, for the most part. The main distraction was Mrs. Weasley, who was still grinding her teeth over her stew.

No doubt she had seen the ketchup stain on Ron’s jumper.

End Of The Road

Chapter 59 - End of the Road


“This is just great,” Harry groused. He was sitting on a stool between Sirius and Ron, devouring a plate of hamburgers and chips. The barman had taken pity on them and made them lunch for free. “How, how , did we end up stranded in Ireland?!”

“Blame your godfather’s abysmal sense of direction,” Remus said haughtily, tucking into his chocolate-chip pancakes.

“Shut it,” Sirius muttered over his steak.

Harry paid them no attention. He knew they’d be making up - and out - as soon as they got back to Grimmauld Place. Those two couldn’t stay angry with each other for very long.

“The thing is, who are we going to get in touch with?” Hermione whispered urgently, the four males around her leaning closer to hear her (Ron leaning into his ketchup). “I mean, we’re stuck out here with no money - well, no Muggle money, anyway - and no one knows where we are. Even worse, we have no way of getting petrol for the car. You do realise you have to return that, right, Sirius?”

“Yeah, you’re right.” Sirius looked worried. “What if Christmas goes by without us?!”

“It won’t,” Ron said, scrubbing at the ketchup on his front. The good thing about maroon jumpers was, ketchup didn’t show up on them. “At least.... I hope it won’t....”

Sirius didn’t look reassured. Harry cast an anxious glance at Remus. “We won’t miss Christmas, will we, Remus?”

“Of course not, Harry. We’ll be home before nightfall.”

“No we won’t,” Ron objected. “Look.”

It was already getting dark outside. Remus sighed. “Well, not for lack of trying.”

The barman came out of the back room and glanced up at the clock. “I’m sorry, everyone,” he said apologetically. “But I’ll have to ask you to leave. I can’t have children in here when my nighttime customers start showing up.”

“Well, thanks for the meal,” Sirius said, as they got wearily to their feet. The barman smiled at him, and they dragged their things back outside.

“Wait a minute,” Harry said, after twenty minutes of shivering in the chilly air. “We’re really dumb, you know. We forgot about the Knight Bus.”

“Oh. Duuuuuuh,” the others echoed.

“Definitely have enough Galleons for all of us,” Sirius muttered, pulling a bag of gold from his inner coat pocket. “Boy, do I feel stupid.”

Harry threw out his right hand, and a purple, double-decker bus pulled up to the curb. Stan Shunpike appeared from inside it. “’Arry-!”

“Do you forgive me, love?” Sirius asked Remus, as they all boarded the bus and took seats on the beds Stan led them to.

“Of course I do, my darling,” Remus said, snuggling close to Sirius. “And I’m sorry we quarreled. I was beastly to you.”

“Nahh. I was just as bad.” Sirius rubbed his nose against Remus’.

“Oi! Can’t you read?” Stan demanded. He pointed.

At the front of the bus was a sign reading, “NO HOMOSEXUAL DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION! IT DISTRACTS THE DRIVER!”

“And he’s a bad enough driver as it is,” Stan reflected.

Sirius and Remus let go of each other instantly.

“Thank you,” said Ron.

Not In England Anymore

Chapter 58 - Not In England Anymore


Several hours of steady walking had brought our poor lost group to a pub with a telephone. They dragged their luggage inside, and gathered around the telephone box. Sirius dug the remaining pence from his wallet and stood in front of the phone. “Erm - who should we call?” he asked. Most of the Order would be unable to help them, and they couldn’t think of any Muggles who would. Harry considered calling Uncle Vernon, then squashed that idea immediately. Uncle Vernon would probably be pleased and overjoyed to know his nephew and his nephew’s lousy wizard friends were stranded in a pub in the middle-of-nowheres.

“What about Ted and Andromeda?” Remus asked anxiously. “They have a car, don’t they? And a phone?”

“They’re on holiday in Mexico,” Sirius said glumly. “Been planning it for months.”

“How will we get home?” Hermione cried. “I promised to owl my parents the second I got back - they must be frantic by now!!”

“Imagine how worried Mum must be,” Ron mumbled to Ginny.

“I’m HUNGRY!” Harry wailed. After all, the two people who would worry about him the most were standing right with him. In fact, it was his own godfather’s fault that they were lost.

“Yes, yes,” Remus said. “I know, children, but what are we supposed to do?”

“My, my, my,” the barman said. He had a thick, rolling Irish brogue. “What seems to be the problem here?”

“We’re lost,” Sirius began.

“He got us lost -” Remus said.

“You spent all my money -” Sirius retorted.

“I’m hungry -” Harry supplied.

“We took a shortcut to get out of a traffic jam and got stuck in Wales -” Hermione told the confused barman.

“Mum’s probably going spare -” Ron said.

“-And then we ended up running out of petrol near Hampshire -” Hermione continued.

“I have to pee,” Ginny squirmed.

“It’s certainly not my fault, Sirius Black -”

“Well, Remmie, who spent all the toll money on doughnuts ? -”

“I’m hungry!!”

“So now you’re accusing me of being a careless shopper? -”

“I’m accusing you of spending all my money ! -”

“And we’re lost -” Hermione tried to explain.

“Just you keep it up, Sirius, if you want to be sleeping alone tonight -”

“Come on, Remmie! Just ‘cause you wanted a chocolate fix, I gotta sleep on the sofa, all alone -”

“Well, it serves you right -”

“I’m HUNGRY!!”

“QUIET!” shouted the barman. Everyone stopped speaking, and looked at the barman with wide eyes.

“Now. Where might ye be trying to go?”

“London,” Sirius answered.

The barman chuckled. “Ye’re way off course, laddie. Do ye not know ye’re in Ireland now?”

“WHAT?!” everyone yelled.

“I knew that bridge was a bad idea,” Sirius whimpered.

Take The Long Way Home

Chapter 57 - Take The Long Way Home


Christmas holidays were upon Hogwarts at last. Early on the first morning of the holidays, most of the Hogwarts students were to be found on the Hogwarts Express, heading back to London.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny got off the train at King’s Cross to find Sirius and Remus waiting for them, all smiles. There was a quick exchange of hugs and kisses, and then they emerged out into the Muggle world and headed for the parking lot.

Sirius had borrowed a car from the Muggles to transport everyone back to Grimmauld Place. He had set an Enlarging Spell on the boot, so all the trunks fitted comfortably inside. In no time, they were off.

Harry yawned. “I’m hungry. All we had on the train were Pumpkin Pasties. How long until we get home and have some real food?”

“Not long,” Remus assured him.

“Correction, Remmie.” Sirius said glumly from behind the wheel. “Take a look.”

They were coming up on a traffic jam.

“D’oh!” Remus shouted.

“I can remedy this,” Sirius said, putting on his blinker and taking a right. “We’ll take a shortcut.”

“No, love! Your shortcuts never pan out!” Remus protested.

“We’ll be fine,” Sirius reassured him. “Trust me.”

But an hour later, it was obvious that trusting Sirius’ knowledge of shortcuts was far from smart. The group had found themselves somewhere in Wales, after finally stopping at a petrol station to ask directions and gas up the car. They also took advantage of the bathrooms and the rack of doughnuts inside the station, Remus borrowing Sirius’ wallet to pay for their breakfast.

“Yer really los’, mate,” the owner of the station said, scratching his head after Sirius had finished asking for directions. “Quite a’bit los’. How’d yer manage tha’ one?”

“Took a shortcut,” Sirius muttered.

“Well, I’ll set yer straigh’. Easy, it is.....” the man pulled a map out from under the counter and began to walk Sirius through it. Remus sighed and bought the children some bottles of milk.

“Okay, then?” the owner asked twenty minutes later. “Easy enough, eh?”

“Yeah. Now I see where I went wrong,” Sirius said, looking relieved. “Thanks.” He looked over his shoulder at the others. “Ready to go?”

“In a minute,” Remus said. He and the children hurried off to visit the restrooms once more. When they returned, everyone piled into the car and off they went.

Sirius followed the owner’s instructions perfectly, reading them off a piece of paper, until they came to a toll bridge. 1 POUND TO CROSS, a sign read.

Sirius dug out his wallet and opened it. “Ack!” He was down to a few pence, not nearly enough to pay the toll. “Remmie! Where’s all my money?”

“I’m sorry, love,” Remus said meekly. “I spent it on breakfast. And the toilets cost 10p. to use each time!”

“Great.” Sirius pulled out of the line and turned around. “Well. Looks like we’ll have to take another shortcut.”

“Noooooo!” everyone wailed.

“We’ll be fine,” Sirius insisted.

And that was how, nearly three hours later, the group found themselves at a petrol station in a small village somewhere north of Hampshire.

With no money to buy lunch.

And no money to buy petrol, either.

D’oh.

Mystic Crystal Revelations

Chapter 56 - Mystic Crystal Revelations


Sibyll Trelawney was getting ready for Christmas. After all, it was about five weeks away.

But the problem was, she hadn’t the slightest clue of what to buy for her colleagues. So, she decided to try crystal gazing to find out the perfect gifts.

Dumbledore was easy. No sooner had she sat before her crystal ball than a smiling Dumbledore popped up in it, holding an armload of socks. Sibyll reached for her parchment and scribbled: ALBUS. SOCKS.

She returned to the ball. “What about Minerva?”

A picture of a smiling Minerva appeared in her ball. Minerva was holding a doll that looked like Snape. She stuck a pin in it.

Sibyll scrawled : MINERVA. SEVERUS VOODOO DOLL.

“And speaking of Severus....”

A smiling Snape appeared in her ball, holding a doll that looked like McGonagall. He stuck a pin in it.

SEVERUS: MINERVA VOODOO DOLL.

“And Filius?”

Her ball showed a picture of a smiling Professor Flitwick, standing on a stool to reach the high cupboards in his office.

FILIUS: STEPPY-STOOL.

“And Sprout?”

A happy Professor Sprout, standing beside a giant mountain of dragon dung fertilizer.

SPROUT: GIFT CERTIFICATE TO FERTILIZER WORLD.

“Poppy?”

A picture of Madame Pomfrey using a super-sticky glue to hold students in place while she administered medicine to them.

POPPY: SUPER GLUE.

“And Argus?”

The ball showed a happy Filch with a brand-new whip and a shining set of manacles.

ARGUS: STUDENT-TORTURING KIT.

And so she managed to find the perfect present for everyone on her list. Finally, the only person left was Remus Lupin, whom she had always liked. “Well, crystal ball, what shall we get dear Remus?”

The ball was blank for awhile. Then it showed her a picture of a happy Remus dressed entirely in leather, holding a riding crop. He was standing next to a bed with black silk sheets, and Sirius Black was handcuffed to the bedposts, dressed only in a leather thong and studded gauntlets.

Sibyll fainted.

Unsolved Mysteries

Chapter 55 - Unsolved Mysteries


Harry was dressed in a long, tan trenchcoat and a dark suit. He was sitting in front of the fireplace in the Gryffindor common room, all the Gryffindors gathered around him. He cleared his throat.

“Good evening. I’m Robert Stack, and this is another episode of ‘Unsolved Mysteries’.”

“You’re not Robert Stack,” Dean objected.

“Just work with me, okay?” Harry snapped. “All right. Presented for your approval -”

“That was ‘Twilight Zone’, not ‘Unsolved Mysteries’,” Hermione interrupted.

“JUST WORK WITH ME!” Harry shrieked, then he regained his composure and settled down. “Presented for your approval, mysteries in the lives of me and my friends. I have all five books here, and we will discuss the Unsolved Mysteries of the Potter world! Okay, number one!”

He opened ‘Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone’. “Here, my Aunt Petunia says my mother came home every holiday with her pockets full of frog spawn, turning teacups into rats. Now! If Mum was always turning teacups into rats, how come she was never expelled for using underage magic outside of school?”

Silence.

“And here!” Harry pulled out ‘Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix’. “See, in this book, I have the Marauder’s Map back, even though Moody never returned it to me in ‘Goblet of Fire’! How did that happen?”

More silence.

“This one’s full of mysteries. Look, Sirius has his wand back now, even though he didn’t have it in ‘Prisoner of Azkaban’ or ‘Goblet of Fire’! How did he get it? He wasn’t allowed to leave the house, so how could he buy one?! And it’s not as if someone could have bought one for him - the wand chooses the wizard! If someone else bought it for him, it would be for that person, not Sirius!”

Silence.

“And what about this? The barman at the Hog’s Head is said to be tall and thin with lots of long grey hair and beard, and he looks vaguely familiar. They never said who he reminded me of!! And his bar smells like goats! Know what I think? I think the barman is Aberforth Dumbledore, who was prosecuted for practising inappropriate charms on a goat!”

Everyone exchanged glances.

“Does anyone even know what’s going on with Wormtail? He was only mentioned ONCE in ‘Order of the Phoenix’, though in ‘Goblet of Fire’ he looked like he was going to become a very important character!!”

Dean backed away in fright, tripped over a coffee table, and landed in Ginny’s lap.

Harry waved ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’ in the air. “And look! Remus says in here that there is no cure for being a werewolf! But in ‘Chamber of Secrets’, Lockhart says the Homorphus Charm can turn werewolves back to normal!! Sure, Lockhart was a fraud, but he stole the Homorphus Charm from someone, so it must work! Why hasn’t anyone tried it on Remus?!”

“Harry, calm down,” Hermione said soothingly. “You’ll have to wait until Book Six comes out.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Harry sighed.

“But you sure gave us stuff to think about in the meantime,” Ron said.