It's Just You, Monica

Chapter 25 - It’s Just You, Monica


It was breakfast time.

Bill had joined Sirius, Remus, Harry, Hermione, and his youngest siblings for breakfast that morning, bringing along a large box of pink-frosted doughnuts with multicoloured sprinkles as a treat. The doughnuts were just about the most colourful thing in the kitchen. A bit sad, really.

As they all sat around, munching on doughnuts (though Remus, in a vain attempt to be a good parental figure and be sure everyone got some proper nutrition, made them have glasses of milk and bananas with them), Bill was telling them about funny stories that had happened at work.

But the problem was, they weren’t very funny. At least, nobody got the point. They were the kind of stories that you found funny only if you had been there. Finally, Bill noticed he was the only one laughing.

“What’s wrong? Why aren’t you laughing?” he asked.

Sirius shrugged. “It’s just you, Monica.”

After breakfast, they all paraded up to the fourth floor to start decontaminating the rooms up there. They started in the billiards room, where they had to battle the billiard balls, which flew around the room and tried to attack them, like miniature Bludgers, as soon as they set foot in the room. After defeating the balls, they had to battle a group of doxies which had been hiding in the cabinet housing the cues. It was an all-out war, one thing in the room attacking them after another.

Finally, everything had been defeated. With a collective sigh, everyone slumped to the ground.

One of the billiard balls rolled off the table and clonked Ron on the head.

“Ow! Dammit! Why me?” Ron cursed, putting the ball back on the billiards table.

“It’s just you, Monica,” Sirius replied.

It took nearly three hours to clean the dust and grime off the furniture, walls, and floor. But in the end, the only thing that needed help was the billiard table, which looked like it needed professional cleaning. Harry, Hermione, Sirius, Remus, and the Weasleys went back downstairs for a wash and lunch.

While they were eating, Crookshanks came wandering in. He had a pile of mail in his mouth - apparently the owls had delivered while they were all upstairs. He jumped up on everyone one by one and deposited their mail in their laps. Last to receive his mail was Harry - he got a ‘special offers!’ discount coupon book from Fred and George for their joke shop, and the latest edition of The Quibbler, courtesy of Luna Lovegood, who had signed him up for a free subscription in thanks for doing such a widely-read interview.

The main headline on the Quibbler’s front cover read : ‘Harry Potter : Reincarnation of Merlin?! ‘, and was illustrated by a very bad cartoon of Harry dressed in elaborate robes. Harry moaned. He hated any publicity that made him look bad - and becoming the subject of wild theories and being featured in The Quibbler was bad enough.

“Why me?” he moaned.

“It’s just you, Monica,” Sirius answered.

And so it continued on all day, until everyone was heartily sick of hearing Sirius say, ‘It’s just you, Monica’ over and over again. Finally, everyone just stopped talking.

At least, until Remus and Sirius climbed into bed that night. Remus was truly exhausted after a day of cleaning, even more so with the advent of the full moon, which was in two days. All he wanted to do was sleep. Sirius, however, had other plans.

“C’mon, Remmie...”

“Not tonight, love... I’m tired.”

“Ohhh, come on...” Sirius licked Remus’ cheek.

“No, Sirius!”

“But Remmie! I want sex!”

“NO, SIRIUS!” Remus yelled, loud enough for the whole house to hear.

Sirius pouted. “Why me?”

There was a pause. Then -

“IT’S JUST YOU, MONICA!” everyone yelled.

Delivery!

Chapter 24 - Delivery!


A knock sounded on Snape’s front door. He hastened to answer it.

Not really. But he got there eventually.

“Who’s there?” he asked grumpily.

“Delivery!” a familiar voice said. It sounded like Black.

“What kind of delivery?” Snape asked suspiciously.

“Um....” Black obviously hadn’t been expecting this. Snape smirked. He could almost hear the rusty wheels in Black’s head trying to turn. “Flowers?”

“I didn’t order any flowers,” Snape snapped.

There was a long pause. Then Black said again, “Delivery!”

“What KIND of delivery?”

“Package!”

“I’m not EXPECTING a package!!”

Another pause. “Er.... delivery?”

“WHAT KIND OF DELIVERY?!”

“Um - cheese!”

“I didn’t ORDER any cheese,” Snape yelled.

“Oh, this is government cheese. You don’t need to order it.”

“Get out of here, Black!”

There was another long pause. Snape was about to go back to his business when Black called for the fourth time, “Delivery!”

That was it! Snape wrenched open the door. A flaming paper bag was sitting on the porch, Black nowhere to be seen. Snape sighed. It was such an old, baby prank.

He put the flaming bag out with his wand and went back inside, slamming the door hard enough that the ‘No Solicitors’ sign beside the door went tumbling into the shrubs.

Sirius, Harry and Ron peeked out from behind a tree and pouted.

“I suppose we should have remembered he’s a wizard before we did it,” Harry sighed.

“Mmhm,” Sirius and Ron agreed.

But it turned out all right. Since the ‘No Solicitors’ sign had fallen down, soon a horde of salesmen converged on the house and started ringing the doorbell incessantly.

D’oh.

That's A Pretty Big Bug, Part 2

Chapter 23 - That’s A Pretty Big Bug, Part 2


Draco Malfoy had a problem.

Another big, icky problem.

But this one was a thousand times bigger and ickier.

A truly gigantic spider was sitting in the sink.

It stared at him. Draco stared back.

It crawled forward. Draco shrieked and fled. He dashed into the parlour and wedged himself between his father and mother, who were sitting on the sofa. “Mummy, Daddy!”

“What is it, sweetums?” Narcissa cooed. “Is something scaring my little Dracipoo?”

“There’s a big, icky spider in the sink!” Draco wept.

“There, there now. Mummy’ll get rid of that awful spider.” Narcissa got up and went into the kitchen. But a second later, she returned, quivering. “Luci!”

“What is it, lovey?”

“There’s a big, icky spider in the sink!” Narcissa wailed.

“I’ll get rid of it,” Lucius said bravely, striding into the kitchen. But he returned a few minutes later, trembling. “Bella!”

Bellatrix looked up from playing Nintendo. “What?”

“There’s a big, icky spider in the sink!”

“I’ll kill it,” Bellatrix sighed, pausing her game and going into the kitchen.

She stared at the spider. It stared back.

She turned on the water and washed it down the drain. Then she reached over and casually flipped the switch for the garbage disposal.

SPLOOT.

Black goo shot up from the sink and made a huge stain on the ceiling. Bellatrix smiled.

“All better,” she said cheerfully, returning to her video game.

The Expedition

Chapter 22 - The Expedition


Luna Lovegood was in her element.

She and her father were in the mountains of Sweden, on an expedition to find a Crumple-Horned Snorkack. They had gotten a lovely sum of money from the Daily Prophet for their interview with Harry, and this expedition was what they had decided to spend it all on. So far, there had been no luck, even though they had been searching for almost a month. The local villagers in the places they stayed always rolled their eyes and dismissed it as nonsense when asked, but a few old-timers claimed there were Crumple-Horned Snorkacks up in the mountains.

If there was one thing that would make Luna’s next year at Hogwarts more enjoyable (especially since she was fast approaching O.W.L.s), it would be concrete evidence of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks to wave in everyone’s face, especially Hermione Granger’s. Hermione wasn’t a bad sort; in fact, Luna rather liked her. But she was quite hard-headed and unaccepting, and Luna wouldn’t mind bringing her down a peg. A whole peg!

“We’re doing great, Luna!” Mr. Lovegood waved frantically at her from a few feet ahead. “Let’s go, darling!”

“Coming, Daddy!” Luna said happily, scrambling over boulders to reach her father. He was loaded down with cameras and things, ready to document the Snorkacks as soon as they were found.

But they just couldn’t seem to find any. Though they came across a large herd of mountain goats, crossed paths with a couple of surly trolls (barely escaped that one), and narrowly missed being fried by a Swedish Short-Snout, there were no Snorkacks to be seen.

Luna and her father set up a tent in the woods that night, since they were far away from a town with an inn. Luna busied herself making eggs and bacon for supper, while her father put on his swimming trunks and went for a swim in the nearby lake (which was freezing cold; but Mr. Lovegood didn’t seem to mind).

It was a lovely night. It was almost worth it, not finding a Snorkack, Luna thought. At least if they didn’t manage to get proof of Snorkacks, she’d have a nice holiday in Sweden to tell her friends about. A meteor shower began around eleven, and Luna tried her best to take some pictures of it.

She had just set the camera down when there was some loud rustling in the bushes. Her father, who had started to doze off, sat up with a snort. “What was that?”

Out of the bushes came an enormous creature. It looked like a cross between a horse and a pig, with odd stripes running along its chunky body and big, silvery eyes. Two strangely-shaped, crumpled-looking horns protruded from above its eyes.

Luna and her father gasped. A Crumple-Horned Snorkack! At last! Luna reached for the camera and quickly snapped some pictures of the creature as it stood still, surprised.

“We did it! We did it!” Luna cheered, jumping up and down. Her father joined her, grabbing her hands and spinning her around. “Proof at last! Everyone will believe us now!”

CRUNCH.

The Lovegoods stopped dancing and whirled around. The Crumple-Horned Snorkack had stomped on their camera, breaking it into a trillion pieces.

“Shut up,” the Snorkack said, before turning and lumbering off into the night, leaving the Lovegoods to stare speechlessly after it.

Leather Trousers Of Doom

Chapter 21 - Leather Trousers Of Doom


By the second month of the holidays, the constant drudgery of living at Grimmauld Place was beginning to wear at Harry and his friends. Desperate, they begged Remus and Sirius to take them out. Someplace, anywhere! It didn’t matter, as long as they could escape this dark, creepy house!

“Let’s go out to eat, then,” Sirius suggested. “We could get reservations at a really nice restaurant. My treat.”

The others greeted the idea with enthusiasm, and immediately ran upstairs to put on their best Muggle clothes.

After making reservations at a nice Muggle restaurant, Sirius and Remus headed upstairs to get changed as well. Remus put on a rather civilized dressy-shirt-nice-trousers-casual-jacket ensemble (the only clothes he seemed to own that weren’t tattered, frayed, or patched), but his lover seemed determined to scar the Muggles for life.

Granted, the burgundy silk shirt and black leather trousers he had chosen to wear were very nice, and would look fabulous on him. But the trousers were tight. Very tight. Skin-tight. So tight, Remus suspected Sirius would be talking in a voice three octaves higher than normal all night.

“Love -”

“Mmm?” Sirius had his shirt on, and was now sitting on the bed, pulling on his trousers. Or at least, trying to.

“Don’t you think those are a little.... tight?”

“What are you talking about?” Sirius grunted, pulling at the trousers. “I used to wear stuff tighter than this when we were kids. And you forget - thanks to Azkaban, I’m skinnier than I was back then.”

“That’s not a good thing,” Remus protested. “You were a twig back then!”

“Then I guess I’m a.... I dunno, something thinner than a twig,” Sirius muttered, slowly inching the trousers up his legs. He had almost gotten them up to his knees.

A knock sounded on the bedroom door. “Sirius, Remus! We’re all ready to go!” The kids sounded desperate.

Remus stuck his head out the door. Harry and Ron were dressed similarly to himself in nice trousers and shirts; Hermione was wearing a blue dress with a pleated skirt, and Ginny was dressed in a long black skirt and a glittery pink shirt. “You all look very nice,” he smiled. “We shouldn’t be too long. Siri’s just getting his trousers on.”

“Ack!” THUD.

“Are you okay, love?”

“No....” Sirius was lying flat on the floor, tugging vainly at the terrible trousers. “Help me!”

“Honestly...” Remus knelt on the floor and seized the waistband of the trousers. “One... two... three... PULL!”

Both men tugged, but the trousers barely moved. Remus blew his bangs out of his eyes in frustration. “Harry?” he called.

Harry poked his head around the door and winced at the sight of his half-dressed godfather lying on the floor with Remus’ hands on his trousers. As open as he was to their relationship and as glad as he was that they had each other, there were just some sights he’d never get used to seeing. “Yeah?”

“Run to the bathroom cupboard and fetch me the baby oil, please.”

Harry’s whole face was a question mark, but he ran for the oil anyway. He brought it back to Remus and stood back to watch with his friends (who were interested despite themselves).

“We’ll get these on,love,” Remus said cheerfully. “Turn around, please, children.”

They did as they were told, Ron sniggering behind his hands. As soon as their backs were turned, Remus uncapped the baby oil and poured some in his hands. He began rubbing it all over Sirius’ thighs, while his mate giggled helplessly.

“Ah! No! Remmie! Stop it, it tickles! Ahahahahaha! Ooh! Don’t go there, unless you want to miss dinner!”

“There,” Remus said, wiping his hands on a towel and seizing the waistband of the trousers. “Here we go!”

He pulled as hard as he could. The trousers slipped easily up Sirius’ legs. “Suck it in, love!” Remus cried. He tugged at the zipper as Sirius held his breath, finally doing up the button and sighing in relief. Sirius let out the breath he had been holding, and staggered to his feet (utilizing Remus and the bed as support).

“Those are the tightest trousers I’ve ever seen,” Harry stated flatly as they slowly made their way down the stairs (Sirius could barely bend his knees). He and Ron looked revolted, while Hermione and Ginny were blushing bright pink and stifling giggles behind their hands.

Fortunately, they reached the restaurant without incident and actually had a wonderful meal.

Except for Sirius.

His trousers were so tight, he couldn’t eat more than a bite of salad.

That's A Pretty Big Bug, Part 1

Chapter 20 - That’s A Pretty Big Bug, Part 1


Draco Malfoy had a problem.

Quite a large problem, actually.

A disgusting, many-legged, hairy problem.

“Mum!” he shrieked. “There’s an icky bug in my room!”

Narcissa Malfoy came running into Draco’s room, a large flyswatter clutched in one hand. She was dressed in a frilly blue nightdress and had her blonde hair done up in rollers. She raised the flyswatter.

“Where is it, lovey? Tell Mummy!”

Draco pointed at the wall opposite his bed.

Narcissa shrieked and jumped into bed with him. “Lucius! There’s a big, icky bug in Draco’s room!”

Her husband came running in, with a can of bug spray clutched in one hand. He was wearing a dark red smoking jacket over an exquisite pair of black silk pajamas. He raised the can of spray.

“Where is it, darling? Tell Luci!”

Narcissa and Draco pointed.

Lucius shrieked like a woman and dived into bed with them. “Bella! There’s a big, icky bug in Draco’s room!”

Bellatrix entered, holding a large mallet. Her long black hair was loose and she was dressed in a long, black silk nightgown. She looked like the mother from the Addams Family, right down to her two-inch black fingernails. “Where?”

Lucius, Narcissa, and Draco pointed.

“Yuck.” Bellatrix wrinkled her nose and raised the mallet. “Stand back!”

The Malfoys pulled Draco’s blankets over their heads.

“DIEEEE!” Bellatrix shrieked, and smashed the big, icky bug with her mallet.

SQUISH.

Bits of bug flew all over, leaving a giant black splotch on the wall. Bellatrix beamed as her relatives emerged, quivering, from behind the blankets. “Much better.” She strolled off to bed.

“Better now, lovey?” Narcissa inquired.

Draco nodded happily. “Yes, Mummy.”

His parents kissed him and departed. Draco hugged his teddy bear to his chest. “Goodnight, Mr. Snugglekins.”

“Goodnight, Draco,” replied Mr. Snugglekins.

Department Store Follies

Chapter 19 - Department Store Follies


Sirius Black was determined. He absolutely, positively, needed a microwave.

Why? Just in case he and Remus ever found a house.

So he had recruited Harry and Hermione, the experts on Muggle devices, to help him out. Remus had accompanied them, as had Ron and Ginny, who had never seen the inside of a Muggle department store. Sirius had been to one. Once. Lily had made the grand mistake of inviting Sirius and James to help her purchase a gift for her auntie’s birthday, and it had been just short of a disaster.

But Sirius wasn’t one to dwell on past mistakes. Concerning shopping, anyway.

So it was an odd group that entered the department store that day. Remus, who was very nervous around large groups of people (especially Muggles), had Sirius’ arm in a deathgrip. People kept taking second glances at Sirius, who wished he was a Metamorphmagi, as his long hair had them under the impression that he was a woman, at least until they saw his beard stubble. Hermione and Harry were very relaxed, almost bored; but of course, they were used to this. Ron and Ginny were very excited indeed, running around yelling things like, “Wizard! it’s purple!” and “Can you believe this thing? It costs three thousand pounds! How much is that in Galleons?”

“Guys, pipe down,” Harry hissed as heads swiveled. “Remember... Statute of Secrecy?”

“Right...”

But neither redhead could resist stopping every few seconds to closely examine things like DVDs, vacuum cleaners, and hair dryers.

Remus squeezed Sirius’ arm tighter. “Love.... I need to visit the loo.”

“I told you to go before we left the house!” Sirius scolded in an undertone.

“I did! But crowds make me nervous and... now I need to pee...”

“All right, all right... Harry... Hermione... keep your eyes on Ron and Ginny. Don’t let them break anything and don’t leave this section!” (They were currently standing amidst hundreds of silk flowers.) “We’ll be right back!” Sirius ordered.

Unfortunately, it took several minutes to find the restrooms. Remus was jumping from one foot to the other by the time they reached them, and fairly dashed inside. Sirius waited impatiently outside the door until his lover emerged, looking much happier.

“Better, Remmie?”

“Much better,” Remus said cheerfully, taking Sirius’ arm once more. “Where are the children?”

“Still in the flowers, I hope....”

But to their horror, all four teenagers had vanished once they arrived at the silk flower section.

“Ah....” Sirius and Remus looked around wildly. “Where could they be?”

A woman was stocking shelves nearby. They hurried over to her. “Excuse us, but did you see a kid with black hair and glasses, a girl with bushy brown hair, and two redheaded kids anywhere around here?”

The woman pointed off in the direction of the appliances. “I think I saw them go that way....”

Remus and Sirius hurried off. They wandered through rows and rows of strange electrical devices, all of which were plugged in and randomly lighting up, beeping, talking, or bubbling (the last applied to three rows stocked entirely with lava lamps).

Remus paused as they emerged into the larger appliance section. “Do you smell something good?”

“Yeah, I do.” Sirius stopped beside a display of washing machines. “There’s a crowd gathering over there. I think something’s wrong.”

They hurried over. Over the mutterings of the people gathered in a ring around a group of appliances they heard a familiar voice saying, “Ron, I don’t think you should -”

BOOM.

Orange goo sprayed up from the middle of the crowd. The shoppers began backing away, making noises of disgust and wiping at themselves with hankies. Sirius and Remus dodged two old ladies who were now completely orange, and gasped in horror at the sight which met their eyes.

Harry, and Hermione, now splattered with orange, were standing stock-still, looking horrified; Ron and Ginny, meanwhile, were standing before a selection of microwaves, orange from head to toe and surrounded by empty cans. Sirius gingerly picked up a can to peer at the label : Chef Boyardee’s Spaghetti and Meatballs.

“Sirius!” Ron and Ginny waved frantically at him, as several security people came running over. “We found a microwave for you! And it seems to work GREAT!!”

The Attic, Part 3

Chapter 18 - The Attic, Part 3 - Mystery Box


After restoring Sirius’ lovely hair to normal, the cleaning of the attic was resumed. The pile of rubbish sacks was growing, and Harry could just imagine Kreacher, several floors below, fighting to get out of the cupboard to put a stop to it all.

The cleaning took three days. Everyone avoided putting on clothes or opening picture albums. Remus cried and clung to Sirius’ leg until his lover promised not to throw away any reading material; Ron was reduced to hiding behind a large, stuffed hippogriff head as Harry squashed a spider which had jumped out at him; Hermione and Ginny soon became engaged in a furious fight with an ugly, mustard-yellow leisure suit which refused to leave its wardrobe. Finally, everything had been cleared out and scrubbed as clean as an attic could be.

They thought everything undesirable had been cleaned out; the windows at either end of the attic shone; the dust, bugs, spiders, and random creatures infesting the place were gone; and the attic had been successfully converted into a reading room of sorts, with bookcases and wardrobes holding books and several chairs and cushions scattered around to sit on.

“It looks great,” Harry said, wiping his forehead on his arm. “I can’t believe it only took us three days.”

“Well, who’s up for baths before supper?” Sirius asked cheerfully.

“Me!” Everybody chorused, moving towards the trapdoor.

“Hey, look at this,” Remus said.

He was holding a box. It was sealed shut with Spellotape, and it wasn’t labeled. The others crowded around.

“It’s a mystery box!” Ginny said, awed.

“I wonder what’s inside?” Harry asked as Remus shook the box carefully. Something slid back and forth inside.

“It’s not labeled,” Hermione observed.

Remus handed it to Sirius, who slit the Spellotape with his wand. He opened the flaps carefully, as if he expected something to explode or jump out and bite his nose.

Nothing happened. They all peered inside.

It was a rock. A pain, ordinary rock.

“It’s just a rock,” Harry said, disappointed. He had been hoping for something interesting or even the teensiest bit dangerous.

“Huh. I wonder why this is here?” Sirius shrugged.

“Good evening. I’m a talking rock,” the rock said. “But the rocks around here don’t talk very much,” it added, as they all stared at it in disbelief.

“You know, not many rocks talk,” the rock mused, as they stared at it, dumbfounded. “Most of them choose to stay silent. I wonder why that is? Say, it was really nice of you to open this box for me. It was getting pretty stuffy. After ten years of being stuck in an attic, it really gets stuffy, you know? Say, you look familiar,” he addressed Sirius. “You must be a relative of the person who owned this house, am I right? Grumpy bloke, he was. All he did was yell. Didn’t like me much. Had kids. Hated one of ‘em, said he was a good-for-nothing, boy-shagging, makeup-wearing idiot (Sirius turned bright red), but he loved the other one... wonder what happened to him? I think he died... his wife stuck me up here... ten years I’ve been up here, with no one to talk to....”

THREE HOURS LATER

Grimmauld Place was not silent that night. No one could sleep, because the rock kept talking.

“...And then this bloke comes to visit, ugly thing, reminded me of a rhino... he says, he says, “Hey! Where’d this troll leg umbrella stand come from?” And he tried to buy it... but we weren’t selling... and one time... the shingles were rotting off the roof... so I tried to give advice on how to repair them... but everybody told me to shut up! How do you like that? I thought it was awfully rude, you know? I mean, everybody has the right to their own opinion, even talking rocks, and I told them, I said, ‘I deserve to go to the Ministry and tell them what I think!’ So....”

Harry moaned. He and Ron had tried putting their pillows over their heads, but nothing worked. The rock was too loud.

“The Minister sent a letter back saying he didn’t believe talking rocks existed....”

Sirius groaned and got out of bed. He put on his jeans and went downstairs. The rock seemed pleased when he approached. “Hey, what’s up?” Sirius scooped up the rock without answering, and stuck it in the pocket of his leather jacket. He grabbed his keys and left the house, then mounted his motorcycle.

“Where are we going? A ride? This sounds like fun!” the rock said happily. It chatted busily for twenty minutes as Sirius drove to a nearby waterfront.

“I love the ocean,” the rock babbled as Sirius got off the bike and took it out of his pocket. “The waves... the smell... hey, what are you dooooooiiiinggg???”

Sirius pitched the rock as far out to sea as he could. There was a faint splash as the rock fell into the water. Smiling, Sirius mounted his bike once more and headed for home.

At the bottom of the sea, the rock sighed. “Why doesn’t anybody like me?”

The Attic, Part 2

Chapter 17 - The Attic, Part 2 - Mum’s Favourite Hats


After Sirius had brought Harry around and hidden the disturbing photo album deep in the pockets of his robes (to look at with Remus after the children were in bed), they all resumed cleaning the attic. Hermione and Ginny returned to the clothes, where they soon unearthed several hatboxes.

“Oh! How pretty!” Hermione exclaimed, opening one and pulling out a cranberry-coloured straw hat fetsooned with black ribbon and a long black feather.

“This one’s pretty, too,” Ginny said in admiration, revealing a peach pillbox hat with a matching veil.

“Er - girls - I wouldn’t put those on if I were you,” Sirius warned. “Those were my mother’s, and she probably bewitched them to chew off the tops of your heads or something....”

“Oh, Sirius, they’ll be fine,” Hermione said. The two girls put the hats on and hurried over to look at themselves in the spotty, full-length mirror in the corner.

“These look good,” Hermione said happily, reaching up to adjust her feather.

Ginny made quite a meal of getting her veil straight. “You’re not going to throw these away, are you, Sirius?”

“You can have them,” Sirius shrugged, coming over and opening another hatbox. He drew out a cream-coloured straw hat with the widest brim any of them had ever seen, with a blue-and-white striped ribbon wrapped around the crown and tied into an enormous bow.

He put the hat on and joined Hermione and Ginny at the mirror, surveying himself critically. “Not my style. I suppose I - OW! OW! Ouch!”

He seized the hat and tried to pull it off. “AGGHH! It’s EATING - MY - HEAD!”

“Sirius!” Harry yelled, running over to try and help his godfather pull the hat off.

“OWWW!!!”

“Everybody pull!” Remus cried, as he and Ron joined the battle.

They all pulled as hard as they could. The hat came off, growling; Remus Stunned it with his wand.

Ron began to giggle.

“It’s not funny, Ron,” Sirius snapped.

“Yes it is!” Ron chuckled. “Look in the mirror!”

Sirius did.

“AAAAAUUUUUGHHH!”

The hat had eaten all the hair off the top of his head, leaving a bald ring.

Sirius fainted.

The Attic, Part 1

Chapter 16 - The Attic, Part 1 - The Glittery, Gay Past


Grimmauld Place was indeed a boring place.

Countless hours of scrubbing, unpleasantly reminiscent of last summer, had bored Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny to tears. Even worse, with Fred and George off every day to the joke shop, they had to do the twins’ share of work as well. Sometimes the adults helped, but not very often. Mundungus was prone to hiding or running away when he saw the cleaning implements removed from their cupboard, and Sirius and Remus always made the excuse of ‘house-hunting’. But after months of ‘house-hunting’, they were still living at Grimmauld Place, so Harry suspected they did less house-hunting than they did renting out hotel rooms for a quick shag.

It wouldn’t have bothered him as much if they would just help with the cleaning.

But for once, the two men were actually helping out. It had finally come time to clean the attic, Kreacher’s favourite haunt. Oblivious to Hermione’s protests, Sirius locked Kreacher in a broom cupboard with no food or water.

“He helped try to kill me,” was his only explanation.

So that was why Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, found himself knee-deep in dust, dead spiders, and boxes of Lord-Knows-What. He sifted vainly through box after box of old Chocolate Frog cards, some of which were very old, all of which featured only Dark wizards. Ron and Sirius were having fun throwing all kinds of china things into the rubbish sacks; Remus had stumbled upon a mountain of old books and was now apparently trying to read them all in under an hour; and Hermione and Ginny were involved in one section of the attic which seemed to be nothing but clothes that belonged to Sirius’ older female relatives.

Harry tossed a pile of cards featuring Herpo the Foul into the wastebasket. As he did, Remus pulled a sixth book out of the mountain, opened it, and cried, “Siri! It’s your old photo album!”

“Shibby!” Sirius exclaimed, abandoning the china and clambering over boxes to get to Remus. “Harry, come look! I bet I’ve got pictures of your mum and dad in here!”

Curious, Harry and his friends joined the ex-convict and the werewolf to peer at the photographs.

They blanched. Harry felt faint.

The first picture was of Sirius and James, dressed entirely in form-fitting leather and satin, their faces smeared with spangly makeup.

And they were kissing.

“Ummmm... ewww,” Ron managed. Harry clung to a low beam to stay upright.

“It’s not that bad,” Sirius chuckled. “It was an April Fools joke.”

He turned the page. This time, his younger self was dressed in black leather and leopard prints. James was wearing a truly awful combination of blue and green, and he had Lily sitting on his lap. They all tried not to look at her horrid skirt, which was electric pink and so short you could catch a peek at her panties.

The third picture was truly disturbing - Peter Pettigrew in tight, purple, spandex pants.

The fourth was a picture of Sirius and Remus, wearing white silk and feather boas. Kissing.

“I thought you said it was an April Fools joke!” Harry yelled at his godfather.

“Me and Jim kissing was. We used to dress like this all the time,” Sirius said fondly, running a finger along the edge of the photo. “My Moony was the epitome of gorgeous in silver eyeliner.”

Harry fainted.

Trelawney Goes Out

Chapter 15 - Trelawney Goes Out


It was a monumental day at Hogwarts.

The summer heat had become nearly unbearable, and Sibyll Trelawney’s room was the veritable equivalent of a volcano.

Not even Sibyll could stand heat like that, so she was forced to retire from her tower room and mingle with the rest of the teachers in the other parts of the school.

It wasn’t so bad, she decided. The other teachers were very considerate towards her, and polite. She could survive until September like this.

But then....

Then....

Minerva McGonagall, curse her, had had an idea.

“Sibyll, why don’t you join us for drinks?”

Sibyll’s head shot up as she looked up from her crystal gazing (her crystal ball had, of course, been taken from her room. The heat was bad for the clairvoyant vibrations). “What?”

“Albus is treating the staff to drinks down at the Three Broomsticks,” Minerva explained. “He’d like it very much if we were all there. Come along, it can’t be any fun to stay in this stuffy castle all day.”

Sibyll blanched. “Perhaps not, Minerva. I... I don’t wish to go.”

The truth of the matter was, Sibyll had not left Hogwarts for anything ever since arriving there almost seventeen years ago. True, she had almost left when that awful Umbridge woman had tried to sack her - but Dumbledore had let her stay. And by now, Sibyll had become a recluse. She was terrified at the thought of leaving, even if it was only to go down to the village for an hour or two.

“You can’t still be afraid,” Minerva said incredulously.

“I’m not going,” snapped Sibyll.

“Yes, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

It had carried on like this for the better part of an hour, until the rest of the staff converged on Sibyll, tied her to an office chair, and began wheeling her out of the castle.

“It’s easy, Sibyll,” Minerva said briskly. “Once we’re outside, just use a number between one and ten to tell us how anxious you’re feeling.”

Hagrid, Snape, and Minerva then exited, looking around cautiously, their wands at the ready. Poppy Pomfrey wheeled Sibyll’s chair out behind them, the rest of the teachers bringing up the rear.

“Two...” Sibyll muttered. “.... three... two...”

Halfway down the drive, a loud buzzing was heard.

“What the hell was that?” Snape yelled.

“Eight!” Trelawney cried.

“It’s just a bug, Severus,” Minerva snapped.

“Two...” Sibyll sighed in relief.

“No it isn’t!” Snape yelled. “It’s the queen of something! I’ll set fire to the hive!”

He ran towards a nearby tree, from which a hornet’s nest hung, and pointed his wand up into its branches. “Incendio!”

“Twelve!” Sibyll shrieked, as Poppy turned the chair around and began wheeling her back to the castle as fast as possible.

“My sleeve!” Snape screamed, as his arm started on fire as well.

“Sixteen! Three hundred and twelve!” Sibyll screamed as she was hurried back inside.

Snape put his arm out with his wand. “Good. More firewhiskey for me now.”

Pie This Way

Chapter 14 - Pie This Way


A large sign hung on a wall in Diagon Alley.

It featured a picture of a pie. Underneath the pie was an arrow, pointing off to the right.

Crabbe and Goyle stood, entranced, in front of the sign, drooling.

It could only mean one thing, they deduced within their tiny minds.

Pie This Way.

But there was one tiny flaw.

The arrow was pointing to the Magical Menagerie.

Now, Crabbe and Goyle might not be the sharpest crayons on the Christmas tree, but they did realise that the Magical Menagerie did NOT sell pies.

But they couldn’t argue with the sign! If the sign said, ‘Pie This Way’ and pointed to the Magical Menagerie, then they should at least go inside to see if there might be traces of pie.

The moral : Signs are always right.

So Crabbe and Goyle bumbled through the door of the Magical Menagerie, where the first person they encountered was the cranky owner.

“I’m feeding the animals! Now go away!”

Feeling thoroughly rejected, Crabbe and Goyle returned to the pie sign.

“I want some pie,” Goyle spoke up ten minutes later.

“Me too,” Crabbe agreed.

Neither boy moved for another ten minutes. Then -

“I wonder where we find the pie.” Crabbe mused.

“The sign says it’s in there,” Goyle said, pointing at the Magical Menagerie.

So they went into the Magical Menagerie.

The cranky owner hit them with Stunning Spells and tossed their immobile bodies out into the dumpster behind his building.

Once they unfroze, Crabbe and Goyle returned home, feeling very disappointed.

And to add injury to insult, their mothers fed them liver for dinner that night.

With no pie.

Next door to the Magical Menagerie, a witch was closing up her shop for the night. Today had been the grand opening, and it had been quite a hit. Many people had turned up, and her merchandise had fairly flown off the shelves.

The name of this shop was Madame Beaumont’s Home-Made Pies.

Double Entendre

Chapter 13 - Double Entendre

“Wow. It’s pretty long.”

“Hard, too.”

“What can you do with a thing like that?”

“Ah, you know. Fun stuff.”

“I’ll bet Cho’s really impressed with it.”

“You know it. She loves to stroke it.”

“Man. It’s bigger than mine.”

“But yours is wider.”

“True. Makes it a little more fun, if you catch my drift.”

“Heheh. I bet you wouldn’t mind Fleur stroking yours, would you, mate?”

“Shut up. I bet you wouldn’t mind giving Cho a ride, am I wrong?”

“Not too wrong. You know, my dad had one like this.”

“How d’you know?”

“Sirius saw it. Told me.”

“What doesn’t Sirius see?”

“I dunno. Sirius has a pretty nice one himself, actually. It just doesn’t get out that often.”

“He’d probably get it out for Remus.”

“Yeah, Remus loves it.”

“You know who else’s got a nice one? Malfoy.”

“Yeah... I hate him, but I have to admit, his is pretty nice. Long and slim.”

“That’s the best.”

“GUYS!” Hermione glowered at Harry and Ron. “Will you PLEASE stop discussing your broomsticks and come set the table for dinner?!”

Flying Monopoly, Batman!

Chapter 12 - Flying Monopoly, Batman!


“I want to be the boot!”

“I’m the car!”

“I want the doggie!”

“Can I be the iron?”

It took a few minutes to decide who was going to use what piece; but eventually Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny were settled for a good, long game of Monopoly.

Ron rolled doubles. “Whoo! Chance!” He picked up a Chance card. “Go to jail?! No fair!”

Harry sniggered.

Hermione rolled her eyes.

Ginny bought a hotel.

And the iron just sat in jail.

Several turns later, Harry was broke, Ginny kept rolling ones, and Ron was still in jail. Hermione, however, had stacks of money and buildings erected on practically every street on the board. She owned the waterworks, the electric company, and all four railroads, as well.

“Hey,” Ginny said, picking up a hotel and taking its roof off. “Hermione’s cheating! These hotels are made of Legos!”

“No they’re not,” Hermione said quickly, hiding her bucket of Legos behind her back.

“So what?” Ron groused. “I’m still in jail!”

“At least you’re better off than Harry,” Ginny laughed. “He’s so broke he can’t even buy himself a house. In jail, they give you three meals a day and a roof over your head!”

“Shut up!” Harry snapped, throwing the dice at Ginny. They bounced off her head.

“Hey! Don’t throw dice at my sister!” Ron yelled, scooping up a handful of Hermione’s buildings and throwing them at Harry.

“Ron! How dare you take my buildings!” Hermione raged, tossing Legos at him.

“How dare you throw Legos at my brother!” Ginny growled, reaching over and scattering Hermione’s neatly stacked plies of money.

“My loot!” Hermione shrieked, slapping Harry’s hand away as he tried to nick some. “Hands off, thief!”

“Don’t slap my best friend!” Ron yelled.

“I’ll slap who I want to!” Hermione retorted, pelting the top hat piece at Ron.

“Will all of you shut up?!” Harry yelled, picking up the Monopoly board and throwing it across the room.

Where it flew out the window.

And hit Robin, the Boy Wonder, in the head.

“Flying Monopoly, Batman!” he cried, rubbing his head.

“That’s right, my panicky chum,” Batman replied. “More Monopoly-related violence. We must put a stop to it!”

But since they couldn’t see 12 Grimmauld Place, they had to give it up and go home.

“Hey, guys! Let’s play Operation!” Ginny yelled.

Long Black Hair Club

Chapter 11 - Long Black Hair Club


“I propose we start a club,” Sirius announced to the room at large.

Five people were in the room with him : his cousin, Andromeda; Cho Chang; Parvati and Padma Patil; and Angelina Johnson.

“What kind of club?” Angelina asked.

“The Long Black Hair Club.”

“What’s the point in that?” Angelina asked.

“Well, we’re the only characters in all five books who have long black hair.”

“Can Harry be in it?” Cho squealed.

“No.”

“But his hair is black!”

“But it’s not long,” Sirius said.

“So?”

“What d’you mean, ‘so’? To join this club, you need to meet specific requirements! And these are them : You must have long, black hair!”

“Wait!” Parvati said, waving a hand in the air so her bangles jingled. “I’m a little confused about the requirements!”

Sirius stared. “How can you be confused? You just need to have long, black hair!”

“You lost me.”

“Can Alicia and Katie join?” Angelina wanted to know.

“NO! They don’t have long, black hair!”

“I’m still confused!” Parvati sang out.

“You forgot Hagrid! He has long, black hair!” Cho announced, pointing to a passage in Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone.

“I don’t think he’d fit in our clubhouse,” Sirius said.

Fred lifted up the edge of the tablecloth and peered at the people hiding under the table itself. “The waiter says if you don’t get out here now, he won’t take your orders.”

“Oh, fine,” Sirius pouted, and he and the others crawled out from under the table to resume their seats.

“I want a bigger part next time,” said Andromeda.

“Me too,” said Padma.

Bits In The Marmalade

Chapter 10 - Bits in the Marmalade


Albus Dumbledore had always considered himself an early bird.

It really took the cake when he was up and about at four AM.

But today was an odd day.

He should have known. Sibyll had told him his horoscope just last night, and it was this :

“Tomorrow, you will have an odd day.”

Albus took Sibyll quite seriously, at least in conjunction with his horoscope.

“You always have my best interests at heart, Sibyll,” he said.

As soon as his back was turned, Trelawney stabbed a handful of pins into her Dumbledore voodoo doll.

But on this odd day, Albus awoke to the crowing of - a toad.

“Trevor?” he asked, confused, lifting Neville Longbottom’s toad off his dresser. “But... where’s Fawkes?”

At the Longbottom residence, Fawkes was currently nesting in the breadbox.

“Never mind,” sighed Albus. He put the toad in his water jug and headed off to get dressed.

His outfit that day consisted of liederhosen, a bright yellow t-shirt, clown shoes, and a fake arrow that looked like it was stabbing through his head.

His breakfast that day was very odd. There were bits in his marmalade.

“I hate bits in my marmalade!” Albus grumbled, picking them out.

It took him nearly an hour to pick all the bits out of the marmalade, and by the time he was done, he was very sticky and had stray bits stuck in his beard. His breakfast was cold, too.

He had no sooner choked down his cold omelette and returned to his office when he noticed he had marmalade bits stuck under his fingernails.

“Scourgify!”

The bits remained stuck.

“I should’ve known marmalade bits couldn’t be defeated that easily,” Albus muttered.

He scrubbed under his nails with Mrs. Skower’s Magical Mess Remover for thirty minutes or so. It eventually got the bits out, but made his fingers all wrinkly and pruny and white, like he had been playing with bleach.

“Oh well,” he sighed. “Time to get down to important business!”

With that, he took off his arrow, put on a feathered cap, and went outside to yodel.

Drunken Professors Make Good Lovers

Chapter 9 - Drunken Professors Make Good Lovers


“It’s true.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Yes, it is!”

“No, it isn’t!”

Ginny and Hermione glared at one another from across the room.

“I say it is,” Ginny stated.

“And I say it isn’t,” Hermione retorted.

“Well, there’s only one way to tell, isn’t there?” Ginny said, a sneaky smile playing across her lips. “We’ll get him drunk, and see how he is.”

“You’re on,” Hermione said. “A Galleon he isn’t.”

“A Galleon he is,” Ginny smirked. “Now, let’s see if we can break into Sirius’ supply of firewhiskey....”

~Three Hours Later~

Hermione and Ginny retreated to their bedroom, gasping and giggling, out of breath. Their hair was mussed and their clothes on backwards and inside out, and they smelled vaguely of alcohol.

“I told you, I told you!” Ginny shrieked in glee.

Hermione couldn’t stop grinning even as she handed over a Galleon. “You were right! Drunken professors DO make good lovers!!!”

~The Next Morning~

Severus Snape awoke to find himself sprawled out on a dusty bed, surrounded by empty bottles of firewhiskey. A stray pair of panties lay at the foot of the bed.

Snape sat up and rubbed his head. “What happened last night?” he wondered.

Television, Part 1

Chapter 8 - Television Part 1


“Would you look at that,” Ron said dreamily.

“It’s amazing,” Remus sighed.

“Who would’ve thought it,” Sirius agreed.

Harry and Hermione stood nearby, staring at the three wizards. They were standing, entranced, in front of an appliance store, watching the display of televisions that had been set up in the window.

And they were drooling.

“This is sad,” Hermione muttered to Harry. “I mean, maybe they’ve never seen a television before but... I think they’re even putting Mr. Weasley to shame.”

“Yeah,” Harry replied. “Oi! Ron, Sirius, Remus - let’s go.”

But all three had settled themselves comfortably on the sidewalk in front of the store, gazing up at the many television screens. They didn’t seem to be likely to move until after the programme was over.

“Um - shouldn’t we be going?” Hermione asked hesitantly, twenty minutes later.

“Nah, this is the good part,” Sirius said, his eyes never leaving the screen.

“But I think you should know that -”

“Don’t spoil the ending for us!” Remus cried.

“I’m not! I really think you should know that -”

“Shhh,” Ron hissed.

Harry sighed, rubbing his forehead. He went into the appliance store and had a brief discussion with the clerk. Then he went into the front window and unplugged the camera that had been pointing out the window, recording Sirius, Remus, and Ron and broadcasting them on the television screens.

“Okay, let’s go,” he said triumphantly, and he and Hermione dragged their downhearted comrades away.

“Come on, that was the best part!” Sirius whined.

Brownie-Bricks of Doom

Chapter 7 - Brownie-Bricks Of Doom


Something good was cooking.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione wandered into the kitchen to find Sirius taking something out of the stove.

“What’s cooking, Sirius?”

“Brownies,” the ex-convict replied proudly, holding out a pan filled with some sort of crusty brown stuff.

Hermione looked closely at it. “Erm - are you sure?”

“Of course I am!” Sirius said indignantly. “I made them myself!”

“Ooooookay....” Harry said, as he and his friends sunk into their seats. Sirius seized an enormous butcher knife and proceeded to cut the brownies.

Or rather, he tried. But the brownies merely bent the blade of the knife all out of shape.

“Dang it,” Sirius muttered.

He rummaged around in the junk drawer and pulled out the hammer.

“Stand back!” he said cheerfully.

Harry, Hermione, and Ron dived for cover. Sirius brought the hammer down on the brownies.

*BAM!*

The brown crusty stuff broke into several chunks. Not exactly even, square chunks, either. It looked more like lopsided, crumbly bricks.

“Uh... enjoy, I guess,” Sirius said, offering ‘round the chunks.

“Cheers,” Ron said gloomily.

They each took a chunk and attempted to bite into them.

“Ow!” gasped Hermione.

“Ouch,” Harry muttered, rubbing his cheek.

“That hurt,” Ron winced.

“I think I chipped a tooth.” Sirius mumbled.

“These aren’t brownies. They’re bricks,” Harry declared.

“I guess Remmie was right. I really can’t cook,” Sirius sighed unhappily.

“But there’s a good side to this,” Ron said, grinning.

“There is?”

“Next time Draco comes to bother us on the train, we can smash his face in with them,” said Ron happily.

“True.”

“Good thinking,” Harry said, clapping Ron on the shoulder.

“You guys are barbaric,” Hermione said in disgust.

Dolores Umbridge Vs. The Toaster Of Doom

Chapter 6 - Dolores Umbridge Versus the Toaster Of Doom


Dolores Umbridge peered into the every cupboard in her kitchen.

There were no centaurs in any of them.

Breathing a sigh of relief, Umbridge popped bread into her toaster. Then she crossed to the fridge. She pried the door open with a broomstick, standing well away from it. When she saw there were no centaurs inside, she put the broom down and took the butter and juice out of the fridge.

This was the way she had been living ever since she left Hogwarts a few weeks before. She rarely left her house, preferring instead to have her groceries delivered to her and her work owled to her.

The toast popped out of the toaster. Umbridge moved forward to retrieve her breakfast.

*CLANG!* The toaster seized her hand!

It was burning hot! Umbridge screamed in pain, whacking her hand against the countertop, trying to get the toaster to let go. It was no use!

In desperation, Umbridge unplugged the toaster, flinging the cord aside.

Bad move. The cord flew right into the half-full sink.

*ZZZZZZZT.*

And that was the end of Dolores Umbridge.

Snape And The Nightmare of A Lifetime

Chapter 5 - Snape and the Nightmare of a Lifetime


Severus Snape arrived at 12 Grimmauld Place looking as surly as ever. Harry, Hermione, and the Weasley children barricaded themselves in Buckbeak’s room.

Glaring at everything, Snape prepared to go into the kitchen to wait for the meeting. But as he descended the stairs, the kitchen door opened and Molly Weasley stuck her head out.

“Oh, Professor Snape! If you wouldn’t mind... Sirius and Remus are missing, could you go find them, please?”

“I suppose,” Snape groused, turning and heading upstairs.

He peeked in three consecutive rooms, with no luck. The next door he reached was closed. As he put his hand on the knob, he heard Black’s unmistakable voice from within.

“Are you sure you want to do this here, Remmie?”

“Totally sure.” It was Lupin’s voice. Snape paused to listen.

“Okay... Help me get it out, then, okay?”

Get what out? Surely he didn’t mean -

“It’s awfully hard, Siri.”

Eep.

“Just give me a hand, okay?”

“Mmm. All right.”

“Ah - okay. D’you want some help with that?”

“If you wouldn’t mind...”

“How’s this?”

“Wonderful, Paddy... oh... a little to the left...”

Snape blanched, feeling suddenly ill.

“Higher... higher.. oh, right there...”

“You like that?”

“It’s wonderful...”

“Okay... here, hold on a minute.”

Snape clung to the doorknob in an effort to stay upright. He wanted to get away, as fast as he could, before Black and Lupin really went at it. But his knees were like water. From inside the room, a loud banging noise was heard. They really didn’t fool around, did they?

“Oh! Siri... watch it... harder, harder! You can’t pound it in that way!”

“Like this, love?”

“Yes! Siri... oh... it’s.. oh - wonderful!”

Snape fainted.

Seconds later, the door opened. Sirius exited, carrying a hammer, while Remus followed, clutching a box of nails. They both caught sight of Snape lying unconscious in the middle of the hall.

“What happened to Snivellus?” Sirius asked blankly.

Remus shrugged. “I don’t know. Let’s go see if Molly has any more paintings for us to hang up.”

Occupied!

Chapter 4 - Occupied!


Nobody said a word when they reached Grimmauld Place. It was not an especially welcoming idea to think of spending another summer holiday there.

Harry shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot as he and Ron climbed the stairs to their third-floor bedroom, lugging their trunks. He really had to pee. He had known that super-sized chocolate milkshake in the ice cream parlour had been a bad idea, but he hadn’t been able to help himself.

He dumped his trunk at the front of his bed, along with Hedwig’s cage. “Let Hedwig out, okay, Ron?” he asked. “I’ve really got to go to the bathroom.”

“Sure,”Ron said, shrugging. Harry bolted for the bathroom.

The door was shut. Harry knocked.

“Occupied!” Mrs. Weasley’s voice called.

“Oops. Sorry, Mrs. Weasley...”

“Not at all, Harry dear. D’you know how hard it is to get mustard stains out of your clothes?”

“Erm... no...” Harry headed for the second floor, to use that bathroom.

The door was shut. Harry knocked.

“Occupied,” Moody’s voice growled. “Sorry, Potter, I’m covered in mustard and butter and oatmeal and it’s really hard to get off.”

“Sorry,” Harry mumbled, and headed for the first floor, bent over and holding himself. By now the urge to go was killing him.

The first-floor bathroom door was also closed. Harry knocked.

“Occupied! Who is it?” Hermione called.

“Me,” said Harry.

“Sorry, Harry, but I’m trying to get the ice cream out of my skirt. Try the other bathrooms.”

“They’re occupied.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Can you hold it?”

“Not really,” Harry moaned, jumping up and down.

“Well, I’m almost done. I think there’s a bathroom on the fourth floor, why don’t you go look?”

“Arrrgh,” Harry groaned, and ran up the stairs to the fourth floor.

The fourth floor was barely habitable; there were several bedrooms, a study, and a billiards room up here, but none had been decontaminated yet. But thankfully, there was a bathroom. Harry didn’t care how scrungy it was. He dashed inside.

A large sign, in Sirius’ handwriting, was taped on the wall above the toilet : OUT OF ORDER.

Harry began to cry.

Sirius' Fan Club, Part 2

Chapter 3 - Sirius’ Fan Club, Part 2


Sirius and Remus had decided to take Harry, Ron, and Hermione out for ice cream before returning to Grimmauld Place. It would have been a lovely plan, except for the glaring fact that Parvati and Lavender had happened to stop by at the very same ice cream parlour. They were seated nearby, with Parvati’s sister Padma and Susan Bones. All four girls were casting looks at Sirius and giggling behind their hands.

It didn’t help that Hermione was gazing at him as well, a glazed look on her face, her spoon suspended halfway to her mouth, dripping mint-chocolate-chip ice cream onto her previously clean skirt.

Sirius, Harry, Ron, and Remus stared back at her.

“Um... Hermione... are you okay?” Ron finally asked.

“It’s a lovely day,” Hermione murmured, never taking her eyes off Sirius. At the table next door, the girls were staring at him with equally dreamy expressions.

“Er... Hermione?” Harry waved a hand energetically in front of her face. Hermione blinked rapidly, seeming to come out of a trance, and sighed at the mess on her skirt. She scrubbed at it with her napkin.

“What is it?”

“Um... you’re staring at me,” Sirius said, very uncomfortable.

“Oh! Um -” Hermione tried to think of a good cover story. “It’s just that - that -”

“You’re so good looking!” a voice sighed. Parvati, Padma, Lavender, and Susan had been busy eavesdropping.

“Um - thanks, I guess,” Sirius mumbled, as Remus seized his arm and glowered at the cluster of girls.

“You do realise he’s gay, right?”

“I’m not gay! I’m Remus-sexual!” Sirius retorted.

“That just makes him even sexier,” Parvati sighed.

Remus paused. He looked skeptically at Sirius. Then his eyes grew hazy, and a sappy smile appeared on his face. “You’re right. It does.”

A collective sigh arose. Sirius blushed and looked at the ceiling, slightly embarrassed at the girls and Remus staring at him.

Harry rubbed his forehead. “Correction. I will never understand women or gay men.”

Ron nodded. “Me neither.”

Moody Vs. Kitchen Condiments

Chapter 2 - Moody Versus Kitchen Condiments


Alastor Moody was sitting alone at the kitchen table of 12 Grimmauld Place, pouring over a long roll of parchment, when Molly Weasley entered, her arms full of groceries.

“Oh! Alastor! Would you mind....”

“Certainly not, Molly,” Moody said, getting to his feet and relieving her of some of her bags. He plopped them down on the table, and began to unpack them. He pulled out a box of Quaker Oats, a tub of Land O’ Lakes butter, a box of Cap’n Crunch, and a box of Sun Maid raisins.

He lined them up on the table and started to return to his unpacking. But... he could... sense them. Looking at him.

He glared at the unpacked groceries. The people on them smiled innocently back. Or at least, they wanted Moody to think they were innocent.

Hmmph. He had no time for this. He crossed the room to the icebox, putting the jugs of orange juice inside.

But he could feel them. Their eyes followed him across the room, like the eyes of old paintings - well, old Muggle paintings.

“Stop - looking - at ME,” Moody growled at the harmless things, reaching back into the bag and pulling out a bottle of mustard. There was a happy family on the bottle, laughing and looking up into the camera. Moody glared.

“Why are you so happy?!” he yelled, shaking the mustard furiously. “You stupid morons, what have you got to be so happy about?!”

*SQUISH.*

He had squeezed too hard. The top flew off the mustard, and yellow goo splattered all over Moody, the table, the walls, and his parchment.

“ALASTOR!!!” Molly bellowed, as a blob of mustard got her right in the eye.

“STUPID - USELESS - MUSTARD - FAMILY!!!!” Moody shrieked, throwing the bottle to the floor and jumping up and down on it repeatedly. “DIEEEEEE!”

Mustard sprayed across every available surface, painting the kitchen yellow. It was amazing how much mustard that small bottle could hold.

Finally Moody collapsed, exhausted, into his chair. Molly, who had been shielding herself behind her hands, peeked out from between her fingers, just as her husband entered the kitchen.

“What happened here?” Arthur asked curiously, looking at the mustard splattered all over the room.

“I’m not sure...” his wife whispered.

Moody raised his head, perhaps to explain, but then he caught sight of the guy on the oatmeal box.

“FIEND!!!” he shrieked. “DAMNABLE OATMEAL!” He seized the box. “I’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!”

Cackling madly, he threw the box of oatmeal into the sink and turned the water on full force. The oatmeal began to bubble and froth. The box burst, sending oatmeal flying all over the room. Moody just cackled insanely and ran for the tub of butter, which he began to pound furiously with his walking stick, sending globs of butter everywhere. Arthur seized Molly by the arm and pulled her out of the room, slamming the door behind them.

“That’s the last time I let Alastor help me with the groceries,” Molly sighed, wiping her face on her apron.

Sirius' Fan Club, Part 1

Chapter 1 - Sirius’ Fan Club, Part 1


Harry Potter and his best friends Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger stepped off the Hogwarts Express, chattering busily and lugging Hedwig, Pigwidgeon, and Crookshanks along with them. It was the beginning of the summer holidays, and they were ready for what looked like an exciting, fun time.

Or another boring holiday scrubbing out 12 Grimmauld Place. Whatever.

Our hero and his two best friends who always get shunted to the side joined the queue to go through the magical barrier. They were in line right behind Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown, who were giggling over some boy.

“He’s got that bad-boy, rebel look,” Parvati was giggling.

“Between that earring and that hair...” Lavender said dreamily.

“And he wears lovely tight jeans all the time. He’s got a beautiful arse.”

Harry, Ron, and Hermione twitched.

“And tight t-shirts, too. With a leather jacket.”

“Did you see the picture of him in the Prophet ? He was wearing eyeliner !”

“I know!! But didn’t it just look.... sexy?”

“Animalistic.”

“Feral!”

“I’d sleep with him!”

“Me too!”

By now, Harry and Company were becoming very curious to know who this mystery man was. But before they could say anything, the guard ushered Parvati and Lavender through, then the Infamous Trio.

They appeared right behind Lavender and Parvati, who were whispering excitedly and smoothing their hair. “There he is, there he is!”

“There who is?” Ron asked rudely.

Both girls looked at him as if he were a slug. “Sirius Black, of course!”

“WHAT?!” Harry yelped.

Parvati and Lavender sighed dreamily. Sirius was indeed nearby, leaning against a lightpost and waving to Harry. Beside him was Remus Lupin, his arm through Sirius’.

“You do know he’s gay, right?” Hermione asked the two girls.

“That just makes him even sexier....” Parvati sighed.

Hermione studied Sirius and Remus for a moment. “You’re right.... it DOES!”

Harry and Ron just stood there and stared at the three girls, who were now drooling.

“I’ll never understand women,” Harry said, shaking his head.

“Me neither,” Ron muttered.

Welcome To The Snippets!

Hello all! I am Ryu-No-Joou, known on FanFiction.Net as Dragon Mistress. A few years ago I started writing a multi-chaptered Harry Potter fic entitled "Snippets From The Potterverse", in which the Harry Potter characters found themselves in all kinds of ridiculous situations. Each snippet was short and mostly separate, even though there are some snippets that are two, three, or even four parts long. At the current date, there are ninety-two completed Snippets.

Recently I've been hoping to get back to writing Snippets. Unfortunately, I can no longer access my FanFiction.Net account due to a combination of a forgotten password and an extremely unhelpful staff. So I figured, why not make a blog featuring the Snippets? This way they could be readable by people who don't usually go to FanFiction, and I can have more control over things like formatting, content, and comments.

I plan on updating daily with about five Snippets until all ninety-two are posted, and from then on we'll see what happens. Feel free to comment, share artwork based on the stories, or give the link to other fans!

And now, I present "Snippets From The Potterverse"!