Two Of A Kind

Chapter 92 - Two Of a Kind


Sirius and Remus had escaped from Grimmauld Place to go on a date. It wasn’t much fun being around the children at the moment. Ron, still traumatized by Harry’s reenactment of The Jerry Springer Show, spent his days curled in a ball in the corner, muttering to himself. Hermione and Ginny, embarrassed beyond imagination by being forced to wear hideous whore clothes, hid in their bedroom most of the day. And Harry, upset at losing the television, wandered around randomly kicking things and muttering vicious threats under his breath.

The two men headed for Diagon Alley, planning on getting drinks at the Leaky Cauldron. Remus was never a really big drinker, but right now, he felt a strong glass of firewhiskey was just what he needed.

As soon as they stepped through the door of the pub, Sirius volunteered to order the drinks. Remus was a bit wary, because Sirius was prone to overdoing it when not supervised; but he agreed good-naturedly and went to sit down.

“Hullo Tom,” Sirius said cheerfully to the bartender, who grinned at him.

“What’ll it be, Mr. Black?”

“A good, stiff firewhiskey for Remus, and a bottle of rum for myself.” Sirius winked at Tom.

“You bet.” Tom accepted the five Galleons Sirius slid across the counter, and began pouring Remus’ whiskey. Sirius leaned against the bar and cast an eye around the pub. There was the usual assortment of little old witches sipping at whiskey shots and discussing the latest gossip; a wizard in a black cloak was tucking into a large helping of steak-and-kidney pie and a lager; and beside Sirius, seated at the bar, was a man with long, brown hair. Sirius studied him out of the corner of his eye. He had on some unusual clothes - a billowy white shirt, grey trousers, a ragged old vest, and tall brown boots. His hair was ornamented with strings of beads and a red bandanna. A pistol hung from a thick belt over his shoulder, a compass hung from his waist, and the lot was covered by a dark brown coat. A tricorner hat rested on the bar beside him. He looked rather like a pirate.

As though sensing Sirius’ gaze, the man looked up. Sirius offered a friendly smile, which the man returned. He had several gold teeth, Sirius noted, and his beard was braided and beaded. When he spoke, it was with a slightly roughened voice. “Oi. Whiskey drinker, are you?”

“Nah. It’s for my boyfriend. I’m more of a rum man, myself,” Sirius grinned.

The pirate laughed. “That’s what I like to hear!” He held out a hand. “Captain Jack Sparrow. Pleased to meet ye.”

“Sirius Black.” They shook hands. “Captain, is it?”

“You bet. Been around the world, seen it all. Once I was marooned on a desert island. As one lass put it, it was three days of ‘lying on the beach, drinking rum’.”

Sirius cackled. “Sounds like my kind of vacation!”

Jack held up his glass of rum. “A fine man!” They clinked glasses.

“Cheers!” Sirius downed his rum in two gulps.

“Fancy a drinking game?” Jack winked at him.

“You bet!” Sirius grabbed his bottle of rum. Jack did the same. “1-2-3-GO!”

THREE HOURS LATER

Remus, all this time, had been innocently reading a book as he waited for Sirius to bring the drinks. He had glanced up at one point to see Sirius chatting with a pirate-y looking fellow at the bar, but his jealousy nerve hadn’t twinged in the slightest, so he had gone back to reading. But by now his arse hurt from sitting in the wooden chair, and he realised he had been sitting there without a drink for a very long time.


He put his book down and approached the bar. “Siri?”

Sirius grinned at him. His eyes were red-rimmed and bleary; the man opposite him had the same look. The bar was littered with empty rum bottles and one solitary glass of whiskey. “Remmie! ‘Bout time ya showed up. This bloke... ‘e... ‘e’s a captain.... ‘e’s got gold teeth...”

“This is your lad, eh?” the pirate leered. “Blimey, I can see what you like about him. That arse is divine.”

“You know it,” Sirius slurred, squeezing Remus’ rear end. Remus yelped and blushed, heartily embarrassed.

“Sirius, I think you and your friend have had enough for tonight,” he began.

“Not nearly enough!” Sirius planted a disgusting, sloppy, stubbly, rum-smelling kiss on his lover’s cheek.

Jack continued to leer. “How’s about a three-way, mate?” he asked Sirius.

“NO thank you,” Remus said irritably, though Sirius was nodding in agreement. “Come along, Siri, Molly’s going to have supper waiting -”

“Aww, Remmie!!” Sirius pouted. There was a loud thump and a snore. Jack had fallen asleep, his head resting on the tiny amount of wood that showed amidst all the empty bottles.

Remus pulled a handful of Galleons from Sirius’ pocket and handed them to Tom before hauling his lover off the stool. “You’ve emptied Tom’s rum supply. I can’t believe you drank that much!”

“But I believe in me!” Sirius sang as they staggered from the pub.

“Well, don’t!” Remus said, exasperated.

Trash TV

Chapter 91 - Trash TV


The Easter holidays arrived, and Harry and his friends returned to the dismal atmosphere of Grimmauld Place. When they arrived (picked up by Mr. Weasley, since Mrs. Weasley would not allow Sirius to drive anywhere ever again with the kids in the car), it was to find the house decorated with paper rabbits, pastel-coloured paper chains, and plastic chicks (enchanted to chirp and hop). It looked like a certain ex-convict was going a little stir-crazy.

But the latest development in the house was the installation of a Muggle television, one big enough to block Sirius’ family tree from view. Bill, Fleur, Sirius, Remus, the twins, and Tonks were clustered around it when the children entered the drawing room.

“Hey, TV,” Harry said happily. He plopped down on the sofa beside his godfather. “Now I’ll get to choose what I want to watch for a change.”

“Does it get the History Channel?” Hermione asked eagerly, perching on a hassock with Ginny.

Ron said nothing. He just bowed to the television and sat on the floor gazing up at it, his eyes as large as Galleons.

“Brand new,” Sirius said proudly. “It cost tons.”

“We’re bankrupt,” Remus mumbled in a undertone.

“Oh, be quiet. It’s the best, isn’t it, Harry?” Sirius beamed.

“It sure is!” Harry clapped in delight.

As this was going on, something else was happening. A long, long time ago, Sirius’ father had hated Muggles so much that he had vowed never to let any Muggle artifact or device enter his home. So in defense, he had put a curse on the house. This curse would destroy any and all Muggle objects in the house as soon as they were brought in. However, it took a while to work on electronic devices, especially large ones. But as Harry and his friends were happily watching television, the curse was working, building and building until....

POOF. The television screen went blank. A cloud of smoke emerged from behind the unit. The smell of ozone and melted plastic filled the air.

“What happened?” Harry wailed, remote control still in hand.

“This looks like Da’s work,” Sirius said glumly. “He must’ve put a curse on the house. He’s the worst father that ever lived... or died....”

Ron was crushed. “I always wanted to see what those Muggle talk shows were like!”

“You mean you’ve never seen Jerry Springer?” Harry gasped.

“Nooooooo,” Ron wailed.

“Well, we can’t have that!” Harry leapt to his feet, a brilliant plan formulating in his brain. “Come here! I have an idea!”

~Twenty minutes later~

Sirius’ drawing room had been transformed into a set of sorts. Three chairs sat before the fireplace. Hermione sat in one, looking very embarrassed in a miniskirt and thigh-high stockings. Bill stood off to the side, wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. Ron, his parents, Fleur, Tonks, and Remus were seated on the sofa and in chairs, facing the “stage”. Harry, holding a pile of index cards and wearing a black suit with bowling shoes, stood off to the side.

“Hello everyone, I’m Jerry Springer, and today I have guests who need to get sexy secrets off their chests! My first guest is Hermione! Hello Hermione, what’s wrong?”

Hermione squinted. Fred was standing behind the sofa, holding up cue cards for her to read out loud. “’‘Hello Har - Jerry. I came here today because my husband is cheating on me.’ You spelled ‘husband’ wrong,” she said to Fred.

“Never mind that.” Harry said hastily. “Let’s bring out your husband, Sirius!”

Sirius emerged from behind one of the curtains. He was wearing a gray football jersey and jeans that were far too big for him. They kept slipping, revealing his heart-printed boxers to the world. Remus quickly pulled out a hanky to stop the flow of drool; Mrs. Weasley groaned and averted her eyes.

Sirius went to join Hermione, tripping over his jeans because he was trying to read the cue cards as he walked. “Yo... biatch? I.... don’t want you anymore. You’re... a.. ho?”

Hermione turned red, but struggled to read her lines. “You cheater. How could you do this to me?”

“You have to meet the other woman now!” Harry cut in. “Here’s Ginny!”

Ginny emerged from a closet, wearing a checkered halter top and Daisy Duke shorts, her hair in pigtails. “I’ve just come from my.... trailer park? ... to talk to you, bitch.” She blushed profusely. “Sirius is my man now. So go back to your job at... Mc Donald’s!”

Hermione read her next line. “Well I have to tell you something too, you whore. I am sleeping with your boyfriend George.”

George came out dressed in a fashion similar to Sirius’. “I had your woman and she was... da bomb?” he said to Sirius.

“Yo, you ain’t touching my girl. Hit George with chair.” Sirius read.

“I think you’re supposed to do it, out read it out loud,” said George.

“Oh. Sorry.” Sirius picked up a chair.

“That’s enough of that.” Bill took the chair away. Harry smiled and cleared his throat.

“Audience, any comments?”

“Sirius, I’m touching your boyfriend!” Tonks sang, her hand plopping down on Remus’ thigh.

Sirius turned red. “Get you hands off him, BITCH!” he yelled, throwing one of his Nikes at her. Remus shoved her hand away and ran to the loo to wash off the cooties. Harry beamed and plopped down on a tiny stool.

“Well, that’s that. And now for my final thought.”

“What d’you mean ‘that’s it’? You didn’t solve anything.” Hermione said, disgruntled.

Harry ignored her. “Cheating ultimately hurts both parties. Be smart, don’t start. Until next time, take care of yourself, and each other.” He turned to his audience. “So, how did you like it?”

Silence reigned.

Ron twitched. “Is this another toadstool dream?”

“Sadly, no.”

Ron fainted.

Fondue For Buckbeak

Chapter 90 - Fondue For Buckbeak


It was Saturday morning. As usual, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were going down to Hagrid’s house to visit before Quidditch practise started. Harry led the way, walking a million miles ahead of Hermione. He still hadn’t quite forgiven her for trying to pair him up with Draco Malfoy.

Buckbeak the hippogriff was tethered in Hagrid’s front yard. Sirius and Hagrid had a system where Buckbeak lived at 12 Grimmauld Place on weekdays and came to visit Hagrid on weekends. Harry often wondered if Sirius and Hagrid knew how strongly a resemblance their agreement bore to the custody settlements of divorced Muggles.

The three teenagers bowed to Buckbeak, who bowed back and resumed crunching a mouthful of ferret bones. Harry trooped up to Hagrid's door and knocked. After a few seconds, Hagrid’s heavy footsteps were heard and the door opened, emitting a strong smell of cheese.

“’Morning, Harry, Hermione, Ron,” Hagrid said happily. He was wearing a massive pink apron bearing the legend KISS THE WARLOCK, as well as an enormous pair of flowered oven mitts. He smelled like cheese as well, and Harry suspected there was cheese in his beard. “’Ow’s things?”

“Pretty good,” Harry said, as he and his friends filed into Hagrid’s cheesy-smelling cabin and plopped into chairs around the kitchen table. They cast glances around with wrinkled noses. Nothing looked out of the ordinary, except that the large cauldron hanging in the fireplace was bubbling and frothing. The cheesy smell seemed to be coming from there.

“Er - Hagrid, how’s Grawp?” Hermione asked timidly, having not yet located the source of the odour.

“Wonderful,” Hagrid responded happily, stirring his cauldron with an oar-like wooden spoon. “He’s comin’ along great, learnin’ more and more ever day. Proud of him.” His huge chest puffed up to alarming standards as he went to a cupboard and opened it. He withdrew a gargantuan wheel of cheese, which he stuffed into the cauldron.

Ron was sweating profusely. Harry figured it was because of the heat in the stuffy, cheesy house; or perhaps Ron thought the mixture in the cauldron was intended for them. Harry supposed either was possible.

Hagrid went to another cupboard and pulled out a box. Inside were several dead ferrets.

“Oh, are you feeding Buckbeak?” Harry asked.

“Yep,” Hagrid responded cheerfully. He took the cauldron off the fire, stirred it again, and set it down on the hearth. He seized a pair of fire tongs and used them to grasp a dead ferret, which he immediately dunked into the cauldron. The children turned many interesting colours. Finally, Harry summoned the courage to speak.

“Er.... Hagrid?”

“Yeah?” Hagrid raised the dead ferret out of the cauldron and put it on a plate. It was now covered in what looked like melted cheese.

“What exactly are you doing?” Harry was afraid this was a new recipe to share.

“I tol’ yeh. Feedin’ Buckbeak.” Hagrid dunked a few more ferrets in the cheese and stacked them neatly on top of the first. Then he seized the platter and skipped outside.

“He’s gone mental,” Ron said in disbelief, as they watched Buckbeak chow down. “He’s making fondue for a hippogriff.”

“He must really want Buckbeak to like living with him better than living with Sirius,” Harry said.

Intense Rivals

Chapter 89 - Intense Rivals


Sirius was glaring.

He was glaring at Trent Reznor.

More accurately, he was glaring at a picture of Trent Reznor which was in the copy of Rolling Stone clutched in his hand. It was a mighty glare, Sirius’ eyes narrowed to slits and a fierce scowl twisting his face into an ugly mask. If he could have, Sirius would have burned holes through the magazine with his eyes. If looks could kill, and if glaring at magazines acted as some sort of voodoo curse, then Trent Reznor would have almost certainly dropped dead wherever he was currently standing.

Tonks had been watching this for several minutes. Finally, she decided to speak up.

“Er... Sirius... you’ve been glaring at that magazine for twenty minutes. What’s wrong?”

“This,” he said brusquely, shoving the magazine in her face.

Tonks pried his fingers off it and moved it far enough away that it didn’t just look like a black blob to her. She drooled. “There’s nothing wrong with Trent Reznor. Nothing at all.”

“What are you, insane?”

“Are you?” she countered. “You like men - how can you not say he’s gorgeous?”

“I like Remus,” he corrected her, his jaw sticking out stubbornly. “That guy’s a - a - goblin!”

“Er - yeah,” Tonks mumbled. “What brought this on, might I ask?”

Sirius scowled harder and swiped his hair out of his eyes. “He’s a jerk, that’s what.”

“You’ve never even met him!”

“So?”

Tonks glanced back down at the photo. She looked back at Sirius. “What makes him a jerk? It can’t be his money, you have plenty of that. It can’t be his fame. You’re just as famous - or infamous - as he is. It can’t be the girls he must get - you don’t like girls. It can’t be his looks - you’ve got those, too. So why the need to call him a jerk?”

Sirius refused to answer. Tonks waited, looking from her cousin to the photo and back. Then, quite suddenly, it hit her. “It’s the beard stubble!” she gasped, leaping to her feet. “That’s it, isn’t it? You’re mad because he’s nearly as stubbly as you, right? I’m right, aren’t I?”

He gritted his teeth. “And if I am?”

Tonks began to laugh. She laughed so hard she had to drop the magazine and hold her stomach. Tears streamed from her eyes, making her glittery purple eyeliner run. “Oh, come on! Sirius, you are just too stupid sometimes!” she choked out, bent nearly double. “Jealous of someone just because they’re as stubbly as you are?! Wait until I tell Remus!”

“No way! Remus will want to see a picture - and dammit, he’ll fall in love with that nerd!”

“I wouldn’t blame him,” Tonks replied saucily. “Trent Reznor’s probably a lot smarter - and a lot less concerned with who’s as stubbly as him - than you are!”

“Shut up,” Sirius grumbled, tossing the magazine into the wastebasket and striding out of the kitchen.

Tonks waited until a door slammed upstairs before taking the magazine out of the garbage. She rolled it up and stuck it in the pocket of her jeans, then skipped out of the kitchen. She opened a door and Trent Reznor stepped out, looking disgruntled.

“What a jerk,” he muttered. 

“Pay him no mind. Now, where shall we go for dinner?...”

Fetch, Oooboo, Fetch

Chapter 88 - Fetch, Oooboo, Fetch


Remus wasn’t the only one trying to find a job. Bellatrix was searching for a job as well. It had all been Voldemort’s idea.

“All my Death Eaters, you must go out into the Muggle world and get Muggle jobs!” he had announced at the latest Death Eater meeting. “This way, we can infiltrate the Muggles, see how they work, see what makes them tick, and use our superior knowledge to KILL them all!!”

It was a good plan, at least in Bellatrix’s mind. So, she was searching for a job.

While wandering around Wiltshire one day, she happened upon a building with a HELP WANTED sign in the window. She looked up. “Willie’s Driving Range”, the sign read.

Bellatrix went inside. A Scottish man with a flaming-red beard and moustache and a gleaming bald head was sitting behind a desk, punching numbers into a strange machine. A nameplate on his desk read simply: WILLIE.

“Excuse me,” she said.

“Ach! Lassie!” The man’s eye wandered over her. “What can I be helpin’ yeh with?”

“I noticed a HELP WANTED sign in your window,” Bellatrix said.

“Ach! Lassie! Yeh be the answer to m’prayers!” Willie stood up and crossed over to her. He seized her hand and pumped it wildly. He was wearing a red-and-green kilt which exposed his bony, hairy knees to the world. Bellatrix forced a smile.

“When can I start?”

“Right now!” he trumpeted, handing her a pair of tan trousers and a green golf shirt. “Just go in me loo and change!”

She did as she was told. When she emerged, Willie beamed and handed her a bucket. “Come with me, lassie! Ach!”

Bellatrix followed Willie out a back door. She found herself gazing out at a large green field. Huge signs marked white lines painted on the grass, proclaiming how many yards away each line was. Several Muggle men in clothes similar to Bellatrix’s were hitting golf balls across the field.

“Ach, lassie! Yeh job’s to go out there and pick up all the balls!” Willie said, gesturing towards the field. “Think yeh can do it?”

“O-of course,” Bellatrix said, her smile faltering. This hadn't been exactly what she had had in mind when she had decided to look for a job. But this place seemed popular with Muggles, so she started to head out onto the field.

“Wait lassie!” Willie handed her a helmet. “Yeh should wear this! Danger of hittin’ yeh head, there is!”

“Um, okay.” Bellatrix strapped on the helmet. She felt ridiculous. She headed out onto the field.

She saw a ball right away. She picked it up and dropped it in the bucket.

“This is easy,” she said to herself.

She saw another ball and picked it up. This was beginning to feel like an Easter egg hunt, only the eggs had been hidden by a group of mentally challenged trolls. She picked up another ball.

Bellatrix didn’t realise that she was drawing closer and closer to the men with the golf clubs. Suddenly she heard a shout. “There’s the ball kid!”

And suddenly, a barrage of golf balls flew straight towards her!

“Auuuughhhh!” Bellatrix was pelted with ball after ball. She was being hit so often that she couldn’t even pick up the balls after she was hit by them!

“Waargh!” Bellatrix dropped her bucket and fled. The men kept hitting balls at her, until she reached the safety of Willie’s office. She slammed the door behind her and let out a shuddery sigh.

“Ach! Lassie! Ready fer yeh break?”

“I QUIT!” Bellatrix yelled at him. “CRUCIO!!”

Mystery Date

Chapter 87 - Mystery Date


Tomorrow was Valentine’s Day. Harry had not plucked up the courage to ask Cho to Hogsmeade again, especially after remembering last year’s disastrous Valentine’s visit. But he lamented not having a date, especially since Hermione and Ron were already going together.

“I have an idea,” Hermione suggested. “Muggles watch a show called “The Dating Game”, in which a girl asks questions to three men - Bachelor Number One, Bachelor Number Two, and Bachelor Number Three - sitting behind a curtain. She picks the man she likes best, and then he comes out to surprise her.”

“Okay,” said Harry, “But where will we find anyone willing to go out with me?”

“Leave that to me,” Hermione winked, and wandered off.

Three hours later, she called to him. “I’m finished!”

Harry was impressed. Hermione had successfully reconstructed the set of “The Dating Game”, and was dressed in a glittery tuxedo. She held her wand to her mouth like a microphone as Harry took a seat on the spindly stool standing before the curtain. Hermione handed him a slew of index cards and said, “Okay, Harry! Start asking the questions printed on the card!”

“Er - okay.” Harry squinted down at the cards (having removed his glasses so as to appear more attractive). “Um. Bachelorette Number One, what do you think is - the - er - h-hottest thing I could do to you?”

“You could shut up!” a voice shrieked.

“Um. Okay. Bachelorette Number Two?”

“You could cover me in whipped cream, and lick it off,” a sultry voice suggested.

Harry drooled. “Bachelorette Number Three?”

“You could... I don’t know. You could... er... go out with me. I’d like that,” a misty voice replied.

“Boring,” Harry whispered, then said in normal tones, “Bachelorette Number One, I love the colour green. What’s your favourite colour?”

“Harry Dead Red!” the evil voice screamed.

“That isn’t Voldemort behind there, is it?” Harry asked Hermione anxiously.

“Of course it isn’t. Just get a move on.”

“Okay... Bachelorette Number Two?”

“Mmm,” purred the sultry voice. “I like black. Black silk sheets, black leather... oh, and silver. Shiny manacles and sexy chains...”

Harry pressed a tissue to his nose as it began to bleed. “Bachelorette Number Three?”

“Blue is nice....” the dreamy voice said. “Like the battle costume of the Queen of Snorlak....”

“Er... yeah. Bachelorette Number One, what’s your idea of a perfect date?”

“A trip to the torture chambers!” the voice shrieked.

Harry twitched. “Bachelorette Number Two?”

“Oh... I dunno... I guess I could take you for a ride, if you know what I mean.”

“That sounds good,” Harry drooled. “Bachelorette Number Three?”

“Would you like to tour the office where Daddy prints The Quibbler ?”

“Um... maybe.” Harry looked at Hermione.

“All right, Harry! Which one do you want?”

“Number Two! Number TWO!” he yelled happily.

“All right! But first, we’ll show you who you didn’t pick!” Hermione called out. “Bachelorette Number One, please come out!”

She did. Harry screamed. It was Millicent Bulstrode, who punched him in the arm before walking away.

“Bachelorette Number Three!”

Luna Lovegood emerged from the depths of the curtain. Harry had had a suspicion it was her. She giggled and went to stand beside Hermione. Harry looked eagerly at the curtains, drooling, waiting for the gorgeous, apparently sex-starved girl to emerge.

“And here’s your date!” Hermione announced. “Bachelorette Number Two!” She pulled open the curtain with a flourish. “DRACO MALFOY!”

“Ewww!!” Harry shrieked. It was truly disturbing to be paired with Draco, but even worse to think of Draco practising his S&M fetish on him!

“Icky!!” Draco wailed. “You didn’t tell me I was going after POTTER! I hate you, Granger!!!” He ran off, sobbing.

“Hermione,” Harry said through gritted teeth, “NEVER help me get a date again. EVER!”

Snape's Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM

Chapter 86 - Snape’s Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM


Potions class was exceptionally boring, as always. Harry and Ron had to keep from falling asleep as they stirred their potion to cure measles. Hermione was at full attention as always, and her potion was perfect - again, as always.

Harry jerked his head up from a particularly long doze to see a strange orange light reflecting on the ceiling. He didn't know what it could be, but figured it was somebody’s potion.

“Bring your samples up to me,” Snape’s harsh voice cut through the haze of drowsiness and multicoloured potion fumes. Harry wearily corked a flask of potion and put it on Snape’s desk. Then he began to clean up, as the others did the same.

The bell rang for lunch. Snape swept out of the classroom, mumbling something under his breath. Harry was prepared to followed Ron and Hermione out of the room when he noticed that the strange orange light was still on the ceiling. He stopped, befuddled, and stared at it.

“Harry? What are you staring at?” Hermione asked.

“Look.” Harry pointed. He looked ‘round. “It’s coming from that cupboard over there.”

“Don’t open it!” Ron cried. “It’s Snape’s, after all! It could be dangerous!”

Too late. Harry had already wrenched open the door.

Inside the cupboard was a large cauldron, filled with a bubbling, frothing liquid. Harry peered at it. It was giving off the eerie orange light.

“What is it?” Ron and Hermione asked, interested despite themselves.

“I don’t know,” Harry frowned. “It looks like... there’s something in here... Ron, hand me that ladle.”

Ron handed Harry a ladle with an extra-long handle, which had been hanging on the wall. Harry dipped it into the potion to fish out whatever was in there.

His first ladle-full revealed several burnt, bubbled, soggy photographs. The trio stared at them.

“Is that me, or is that Professor Lockhart ?” Hermione asked.

Harry dipped the ladle in again. This time, he came up with a charred piece of paper. On it was scrawled, in Snape’s handwriting, “SECRET CRUSHES. 1. Remus Lupin. 2. James Potter. 3. Sirius Black. 4. Gilderoy Lockhart.....”

“Ewwwww,” all three teenagers said in disgust. Harry put the ladle in again. This scoop revealed a handful of small dolls, each with a name inscribed on them!

“Potter... Weasley... Black... Lupin... Granger....” Harry’s eyes widened as he read the names off the dolls. “Oh, God! Snape’s making VOODOO DOLLS of us all!!”

“ARRRGH!” screamed Hermione and Ron.

“ARRRGH!” screamed Harry.

“ARRRGH!” screamed Snape, striding into the room. “My Bubbling Cauldron of DOOM! How dare you! Get out!”

Harry and his friends were all too happy to oblige. They tore out the door and didn’t stop running until they reached the safety of the common room, where they hid under the sofa.

Snape closed the door of the cupboard. “Silly me,” he chuckled. “i have got to be more careful about closing that door properly!”

And with that, he headed off to lunch.

Some Kind of Monster

Chapter 85 - Some Kind of Monster


Remus Lupin had decided to apply for another job. Not a full-time one, because he had Order business and Sirius to deal with, but a little something to supplement his income (which was nothing). He had long since given up on working for Muggles, since he had no way to explain to them why he disappeared during certain times of the month. But he spent a while scouring the Daily Prophet’s classified ads for jobs in the wizarding community.

There was a job opening for a cashier at a shop on Diagon Alley. Remus wasn’t too sure about it, since it seemed to be one of the dodgy shops quite near to Knockturn Alley, but he figured it was worth a shot. He sent a letter to the owner and soon received an owl in reply, asking him to come for an interview.

On the day in question, Remus dressed carefully in his least patchy clothes, and headed to the shop. Apparently it sold knickknacks and trinkets to the wizarding community; Remus suspected some of the items might not be legitimate, but he did well on the interview. The owner and his assistant, who looked to have some troll blood in them, seemed to be impressed with him. Then they broached the subject of his full moon disappearances.

Remus felt he couldn’t lie, so he admitted it. “I’m a werewolf, actually.”

He expected shock and disgust, but what he received was confusion.

“A werewolf?” the owner asked blankly. “What’s that?”

“I think it’s one of those things that rises from the dead and eats people’s brains,” the assistant said.

“Erm - no,” Remus said. “That’s a zombie.”

“Is it one of those green blokes made out of corpses that kill kids?” the owner said, scratching his head.

“No, sir. That’s a Frankenstein,” Remus said.

“Wait! I know! It’s that thing with teeth that sucks blood!” the assistant said triumphantly.

“No, that’s a vampire,” said Remus, politely incredulous. Had these two wizards never attended a Defense Against the Dark Arts course?

“Are you one of those things all wrapped in bandages?” the owner asked suspiciously.

“No... that’s a mummy,” Remus sighed.

“Is a werewolf one of those children with the creepy eyes and mental powers?” the assistant inquired.

“No! That’s the Children of the Damned!”

“I know! It’s that dinosaur that rises out of the water and stomps on Japan!” the owner cried.

“That’s Godzilla!”

“The dead transparent people who put curses on you!”

“That’s a ghost!”

“Are you the big, stinky, hairy man that wanders around America?” the assistant inquired happily.

“That’s Bigfoot!” Remus was exasperated. “A werewolf is a person who becomes a wolf during the full moon and hunts human prey!”

There was silence for a moment. Then the owner shrugged. “Whatever. Some kind of monster, anyway. Welcome aboard.”

“Sorry, I’ve changed my mind,” Remus muttered, already halfway out the door.

We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used To It

Chapter 84 - We’re Here, We’re Queer, Get Used To It


Another Order meeting at Grimmauld Place started off as usual. Bill brought boxes of doughnuts to share, and Sirius provided plenty of wine from his father’s not inconsiderable wine cellar.

There was a shortage of chairs (again), so Sirius had Remus sit on his lap. This never bothered anyone - except Snape of course.

“You do know that’s disgusting and morally wrong?” he sneered that day.

“Uh-huh. I’ve heard all the arguments,” Sirius said dismissively, reaching for a chocolate-frosted doughnut.

“Then why do you insist on doing it?”

“Because I’m a firm believer in true love, no matter what form it’s in,” Sirius argued.

“So if someone was truly in love with - your doughnut, let’s say - you’d believe in it?”

“Of course. I’d have the bloke committed, but I’d let him take his doughnut with him.”

“I think you lads are way off the topic,” said Bill.

“Snivellus started it.”

“You started it with your Public Display of Affection, Black,” Snape retorted. “You sicko.”

“Sicko, eh? Who’s the one secretly sleeping with several generations of male Malfoys?”

“Only two generations, you moron! And that has nothing to do with this!”

“I think it does,” Sirius said. “You’re screwing Lucius and Draco, and yet you get offended when Remmie sits on my lap?”

Snape was beet-red. “Shut up! It’s still disgusting!”

“Hypocrite,” Sirius mumbled.

“So I’d appreciate it if you two would stop cuddling in my presence!” Snape demanded.

“I’m not changing for you, Snivelly! I’ll cuddle Remmie all I want, whenever I want! We’re here, we’re queer, so get used to it!”

“He makes a good point,” Kingsley chuckled.

“And I hear tell gay couples are sexy,” Remus said. “Or so the Patil girls and Miss Brown believe.”

“They’re not wrong,” commented Tonks.

That's A Pretty Big Bug, Part 3

Chapter 83 - That’s A Pretty Big Bug, Part 3


Draco Malfoy’s big, icky problems had followed him back to Hogwarts.

Being located in the dungeons, the Slytherin common room was infested with several kinds of nasty creepy-crawly creatures, despite the numerous Pest-Control Charms Filch put on every inch of available space. Worst of the lot were a family of millipedes and a clan of strange insects that looked like a cross between a cricket and a spider.

Draco could never rest peacefully. At night, he sometimes imagined a prickly feeling on his legs, and had to scratch madly at his legs, afraid there might be bugs in his pajama trousers. He tossed and turned, afraid that any moment now a cricket-spider would hop onto his bed. Not even Mr. Snugglekins was much of a comfort, though Draco sometimes used the old bear to smash bugs.

It was a well-guarded Slytherin secret that Draco was terrified of bugs. The Slytherins kept his secret not because they were faithful to Draco; they just didn’t want the rest of the school knowing that their fearless leader was in fact a great, blubbering baby.

However, this did not solve the problems of millipedes and cricket-spiders which scared Draco every day.

“Pansy!” he wept one evening, when one such bug was blocking the stairs to the boys’ dorm. “There’s a big, icky bug in my way! Please smush it!”

“Sorry, Draco, but I’m working on my Herbology essay here,” Pansy said. “It’ll go away on its own.”

No it wouldn’t! They never did! Draco turned to Theodore Nott. “Nott, please smush the big, icky bug for me!”

“Sorry, Draco. But these are new shoes. I can’t risk getting them gunked up with bug goo.”

Desperately, Draco turned to the dim-witted trolls he called his best friends. “Crabbe, Goyle, smush the big, icky bug for me!”

“Heheheh, bug,” they laughed stupidly, not quite grasping what was going on.

“I want to go upstairs to my beddy-bye!” Draco wept. “I wish Auntie Bella was here! She’d smash those bugs good!”

“You called?” Bellatrix said, falling from the sky.

“Auntie! Squish the big, icky bug for me!” Draco begged.

“Stand back!” Bellatrix pulled her bug-squishing mallet from nowhere, and brought it down on the bug. SPLOOT. It splattered all over the stairs, and Bellatrix cleaned it up with a wave of her wand.

“Thank you, Auntie!” Draco cried happily. “I love you!” He smothered his auntie with kisses.

“Anything for my neffy-poo,” Bellatrix cooed. “Now off to bed, your mother will be angry if I let you stay up!”

“Goodnight, Auntie!” Draco bounded up the stairs.

“Give Mr. Snugglekins a kiss for me!” Bellatrix called, before strolling out of the castle.

Draco planted a smooch on his teddy bear. “That was from Auntie Bella,” he said.

“Good. She’s hot,” Mr. Snugglekins answered.

St. Anger

Chapter 82 - St. Anger


Hermione and Ron had, for a while, enjoyed the luxury of silence.

They all-too-vividly remembered last year, when Harry’s incessant rants and temper tantrums had been a part (a rather noisy part) of everyday life. Every day it had been something - Anti-Umbridge rants, complaints about his scar prickling, rants about Voldemort, wondering loudly if Sirius was going to do something stupid.

His best friends had found that the best defense was to smile politely, nod every now and then, and try not to fall asleep.

Hermione had come to the conclusion that Harry was indeed a very angry young man. Ron held the position that Harry was just “one sandwich short of a picnic”, which was pretty much the same thing, so they treated their friend with the sort of caution and respect one might reserve for a mad dog.

But just lately, Harry’s temper tantrums had resumed. There was no feasible explanation; unless it was the fact that Snape had been doing more and more disturbing things lately. That would drive anyone to insanity, Ron reflected. At the moment, he and Hermione were listening to Harry’s latest rant.

Harry had a way of complaining that was eerily reminiscent of Hannah Abbot’s drama queen acts. He would gesture wildly, sometimes hitting a passing first year in the head by accident, his voice getting louder and louder. Today’s topic was Rita Skeeter. Her bad article on Sirius all the way back in Chapter 64 had finally roused his not inconsiderable rage.

“She’s nothing but a stupid cow, how DARE she write that about Sirius, he is NOT a drunk and he is NOT a child-beater, he is a perfectly civil person most of the time...” Harry snapped his quill in half. Hermione and Ron moved theirs out of his reach. “She’s such a bitch, I can’t stand her... If only she’d die... throw her to some Blast-Ended Skrewts or Avada Kedavra her a thousand times over, anything....”

He was reaching the levels of fury that had normally been reserved for Dolores Umbridge. It was rather frightening.

“I can’t STAND HER!” Harry repeated furiously. “How would SHE like it if someone printed BLATANT LIES ABOUT HER?!”

Hermione was impressed that Harry even knew a word like ‘blatant’, but she still feared for her safety.

“I HATE RITA SKEETER!!” Harry bellowed, to the surprise of the entire common room. “I AM NOT HERMIONE’S BOYFRIEND, I DO NOT CRY OVER MY PARENTS’ DEATHS, AND MY GODFATHER IS NOT A CHILD-BEATING, BAR-CRUISING DRUNK!!”

“Harry, calm down, mate,” Ron said in alarm.

“BITE ME, WEASLEY!!” Harry shrieked, throwing an inkwell at Ron and missing by miles. “WHO ASKED YOUR OPINION?!”

Hermione forced a smile at some cowering first and second years behind her. “He’ll burn himself out in time,” she tried to reassure them.

“THAT’S WHAT YOU THINK, MISSY!” Harry screeched. “TALK ABOUT ANNOYING, YOU SUPER-SMART, BOOK-READING, RON-SHAGGING -”

Suddenly his face went quite blank; he stopped screaming, keeled over, and lay still upon the floor. Hermione smiled and said, “Ron?”

Ron got up and slung Harry over his shoulder, carrying him up the stairs to their dorm. Steam was slowly trickling from Harry’s ears.

“He burns himself out in time,” Hermione repeated, heading off to her own dorm.

Worst Episode Ever

Chapter 81 - Worst Episode Ever


Harry walked into the room.

He tripped over a shoe.

“Ow,” he complained.

“Ha-ha,” Draco laughed.

Ron threw the other shoe at Draco.

Hermione ignored everyone and read ‘Hogwarts, a History’.

Sirius shrugged, grabbed Remus, and pulled him off for a shag.

Harry got up, and promptly tripped again.

Cornelius Fudge was eaten by the Toaster of Doom, and joined Dolores Umbridge in Hell.

Ron and Draco got into a fight. Everyone gathered ‘round to watch.

Except Harry.

He was still on the floor.

Snape deducted a million points from Gryffindor, but since everyone was watching Draco and Ron’s fight, no one noticed.

Crabbe and Goyle shared a bag of cheese-and-onion crisps and threw the broken ones at Harry.

Professor Trelawney predicted Harry’s death as a result of the fight.

No one cared, except Parvati and Lavender.

“I love you, Draco,” said Mr. Snugglekins, Draco’s teddy bear.

“I love you too, Mr. Snugglekins,” Draco replied, hugging the bear.

Hagrid and Fang put a flaming paper bag of dog poo at the entrance of the Forbidden Forest for the centaurs to find.

Snape deducted a hundred points from Ravenclaw because no one watched his striptease at the karoke contest.

Sirius and Remus finished having sex, and decided to do it again.

Somewhere in Surrey, Vernon Dursley tripped over a shoe.

“Ha-ha,” laughed Dudley.

The talking rock burbled underneath the lake.

And somewhere, somewhere, one very frustrated author sat banging her head against the keyboard for ideas.

Karoke Contest

Chapter 80 - Karoke Contest


To perk the students up during the dreary winter months, especially as a freezing January merged into a sub-zero February, the Hogwarts staff decided to hold a karoke contest in the Great Hall. A huge sign-up sheet was tacked next to the hourglasses counting House points, and students were encouraged to sign up. Staff members as well signed a secret sign-up sheet in the staff office.

“Are you going to compete, Harry?” Ron asked one morning. Harry nearly choked on his bacon.

“What, me? No way! I can’t sing to save my life.”

“I thought that’s what karoke was all about.”

“Yeah, but still...” Harry squirmed to imagine the whole school, including Cho, hearing him sing. The very idea was atrocious. He shook his head firmly and concentrated on his food.

“I wonder who will be competing,” Hermione said. “This could turn out to be quite interesting.”

Ginny bounced over and grabbed a muffin. “Guess what! I’m in the karoke contest!”

“Cool!” Harry said, while Ron gagged. “What are you going to be singing?”

“Well, I was hoping to do a piece with three other people... Luna and Susan already volunteered to do it. Hermione, will you help, too?”

“Sure,” Hermione said, smiling. “What are we going to be singing?”

“’Lady Marmalade’,” Ginny said promptly.

Hermione’s smile faltered; but she had already promised to participate. She cleared her throat and managed, “Er... lovely.”

Harry and Ron stifled giggles.

When the night of the karoke contest arrived, the majority of Hogwarts shuffled into the Great Hall to find that the House tables had been replaced by hundreds of folding chairs. The staff table was standing against one wall, with Madame Hooch, Madame Pomfrey, Filch, Professor Trelawney, and Professor Smythe acting as judges. A makeshift stage had been erected in the place where the staff table usually stood, with curtains on either side of it to provide a kind of dressing room for the students who would be preforming. Harry and Ron took seats in the middle row, comfortably close to the stage.

At last, everyone was seated. Dumbledore, who was acting as the emcee, ascended the stage and spoke into his wand as if it were a microphone. “Our first performers are Miss Ginny Weasley, Miss Hermione Granger, Miss Luna Lovegood, and Miss Susan Bones, with their rendition of “Lady Marmalade”. Enjoy!”

Music blared from nowhere, making everyone jump. The four girls danced out on stage, clad in skimpy lingerie and top hats. Harry blanched; Ron drooled as he stared at Hermione’s fishnet-clad legs. Catcalls and hoots resounded throughout the hall, so that the song could barely be heard. At least if the girls sucked at singing, no one could tell, Harry thought to himself.

“Wonderful!” Dumbledore said, applauding. “Our next act is Draco Malfoy, singing ‘Hallelujah’!”

“Eh?” Harry and Ron sweatdropped as Draco meandered up on stage, lugging a guitar and dressed like some hokey Nashville country star. He began to play, and wailed: “I've heard there was a secret chord... That David played, and it pleased the Lord.... But you don't really care for music, do you?...”

His singing was awful; people’s teeth were set on edge, and the occasional twang! of a breaking guitar string only made the song sound worse. Draco continued to warble, unaware that half the audience was now bleeding profusely from their ears; finally Dumbledore had had enough.

“SILENCIO!” Draco fell mercifully silent; he burst into unheard tears and ran off the stage. Harry and Ron giggled like the meanies they were.

The karoke contest lasted for several hours. Cho sang “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls (her performance stored carefully away in Harry’s mind for future wanking material); Ernie Macmillan delivered a stirring rendition of “Stacey’s Mom” by Fountains of Wayne; Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore did a lovely duet of the “Beauty and the Beast” song; Justin Finch-Fletchley scarred everyone for life by singing “The Ballad of Maxwell Demon” while wearing nothing but pink satin pants and bright silver lipstick; Professor Flitwick sang the “Lollipop Guild” song from “The Wizard of Oz”. Finally, the last act was up.

“This is a surprise act,” Dumbledore announced. “The person who volunteered did so at the last minute, and wished to keep their identity a secret until this moment. So, our Mystery Guest will now sing their rendition of ‘I’m Too Sexy’!”

The curtain rose as upbeat music began playing. Harry and Ron were horrified to see Snape standing on stage, wearing a pink tank top and red leather hot pants!

“I’m too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love... Love’s going to leave me... I’m too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt....” At this point, Snape slipped out of his tank top and threw it into the audience. Harry shrieked like a woman as it landed in his lap.

Snape continued to sing.”So sexy it hurts.... and I’m too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan... New York and Japan.... ” He began undoing his belt.

“AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!” Chaos erupted as the entire Great Hall rang with terrified screams, and the students started running out doors and jumping out of windows to get away from the horror.

“Boost student morale, my ARSE!!” Dumbledore was heard to yell, as he fled in the direction of the Quidditch pitch.

When We Was Fab

Chapter 79 - When We Was Fab


It was time for Potions. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the other Gryffindors shuffled into Snape’s dungeon with a certain feel of dread. After all, it was Potions.

They received quite a nasty shock when they entered. Snape was sitting on his desk, wearing bellbottomed jeans, a tye-dyed t-shirt, several strings of love beads, a peace medallion, and a pair of rose-tinted sunglasses.

The whole class entered one by one and gawked at Snape as they sat down.

“Um... is this like a 60’s acid flashback, or has he gone nuts?” Harry whispered.

“I have no idea,” Hermione whispered back.

Once the class had gathered, Snape rose and closed the door. The cuffs of his jeans were so ridiculously huge that they entirely hid his feet. Harry would have giggled, had he not been so weirded out.

Finally, Draco Malfoy summoned the courage to speak. “Um... Professor.... why are you dressed like that?”

“Draco, man, it’s like... it’s like, for an anniversary,” Snape said, in a misty tone that sounded quite unlike his usual nasty, venomous self.

“Ann- anniversary?” Draco stammered, still not able to absorb his favourite teacher’s changes.

“It’s, like, the anniversary of the day I accepted the truths of peace and love,” Snape said breezily, sitting down on his desk.

Harry didn’t believe Snape had ever grasped the concepts of truth and love, but he summoned the bravery to speak anyway. “Erm - Professor - when - well... when did you... grasp this?”

“It was in the 70’s,” Snape said dreamily. “It was all about free love and protesting the war in Vietnam, man. It was all about... you know, livin’ and breathin’ and not being hassled by the man.”

“The... man?” Ron said blankly.

Snape nodded vigorously. “Yeah. You know, the man. Society, authority, that kind of stuff.”

“Oh,” Ron said faintly.

“Back when we were fab,” Snape said happily. “Flowers in your hair, listenin’ to the Beatles... making love in the grass... good times. The 70’s never should have ended, man.”

Harry twitched. He didn’t want to think of Snape making love anywhere at anytime, much less in the grass during the 70’s.

“I tell you, it was me and my friends, hangin’ out.” Snape smiled. “Lucius... Crabbe... Goyle... Bella.... truly awesome. Bella was great in the sack... wild, she was... most people couldn’t keep up with her...”

Harry twitched even more violently.

“Then there were Lupin and Black... they were gods in those tight jeans, I swear. They got me hot as anything, watching them kiss. And Potter too... I would’ve... oh man, I would’ve done anything with them....”

Harry screamed, and fainted.

Scrabble

Chapter 78 - Scrabble


It was a boring day at Grimmauld Place. To keep themselves entertained, Sirius, Remus, Bill, and Tonks were playing Scrabble.

Remus placed a few tiles down on the board. Antique. “Double word score. Plus, I used all my letters, so six points for that.”

Bill tallied up the points as Remus took more letters from the box. Tonks stared down at the letters she had, her tongue in the corner of her mouth.

“Um... let’s see.” She joined some tiles to the beginning of Remus’ word. “Argon. It’s an element.”

“Very good,” Remus complimented her, as Bill added up her points.

Sirius yawned as he watched the goings-on. He had never liked Scrabble. Though it was one of Remus’ infatuations, Sirius just couldn’t get into it. As far as he was concerned, it was the most boring game Muggles had ever invented, besides Monopoly. He favoured exciting games like Mousetrap, Operation, and Candy Land. His eyelids drooped as he stared at the board. He wondered dully who had invented Scrabble in the first place. It was a game for geniuses. It must have been those people who invented Trivial Pursuit. That was another game Sirius hated.

His eyelids drooped further, and he rested his chin on his arms, staring at the board as Bill contemplated his move. His eyes closed and he fell asleep.

Bill reached over and dropped his tiles on the board, joining them with Tonks’. “ Nifty. Double Word score.”

“Your turn, Siri,” Remus said, prodding his dozing lover. Sirius snorted, blinked, and gazed down at his letters. He had a C, a U, a K, two F’s, a G, and an O. He blinked at them, still half-asleep. He still hated Scrabble. It was time to admit his displeasure. He chose six letters and dropped them down, joining them to Bill’s F.

Remus craned his neck to read them. “F... U...C...K...O...F...F.... Fuc- oh, my! SIRIUS!”

“I hate this game,” Sirius said simply.

“He makes his point quite eloquently,” Tonks muttered, as Remus whacked Sirius upside the head.

“And he got Triple Word Score with that,” Bill said miserably.

Go Fish!

Chapter 77 - Go Fish!


Harry, Ron, and Hermione were sitting by a window, trying to amuse themselves during break. Hermione had a pack of cards in her bag (normally used for playing solitaire during slow times), and she and Harry decided to teach Ron how to play Go Fish.

“The rules are really simple, Ron,” Harry assured his best mate. “The idea is to try and match up the cards you’re holding. You can ask me or Hermione if I have any of the cards you need. If not, you have to pick from the pile. After all the cards are gone, we count who has the most matches, and that person’s the winner.”

“Okay,” Ron said, confident that this was at least one Muggle thing he could understand. “Let’s play.”

Hermione dealt the cards, and the game began.

“Hermione, do you have any threes?” Harry asked.

“Sure,” Hermione said, handing the Three of Diamonds to Harry, who matched it with his Three of Clubs and set them by his side. Hermione turned to Ron.

“Ron, do you have any fives?”

“Yeah,” Ron said, handing over his Five of Hearts. Hermione paired it with her Five of Spades and placed them in her lap.

Ron glanced down at the seven cards in his hand and contemplated what to ask. “Um. Harry, do you have any aces?”

“No, sorry,” Harry said. “Go Fish.”

Ron stared at him. Then he sighed, opened the window, and pointed his wand at the lake. “Accio fish!”

A squirming fish flew out of the lake and into Ron’s outstretched hand.

“Um... Ron... that’s not exactly what I meant....” Harry sweatdropped.

“Oh, okay.” Ron levitated the fish back into the lake. “Accio giant squid!”

“AAAAUGHH!” Hermione and Harry fell over backwards as the giant squid rose out of the lake and zoomed towards the castle....

Human Piece of Toast

Chapter 76 - Human Piece of Toast


“Ow.”

Everyone at the Gryffindor table was inclined to feel slightly sympathetic towards Seamus, who had returned from his Christmas holidays with a spectacular sunburn. Though it was now late in January, Seamus was still the colour of a broiled lobster.

“Ow. Ow.” Seamus’ burn was beginning to peel, and every time he tried to scratch it, it hurt.

“Where did you go again, Seamus?” Ginny asked, staring at her friend’s violently orange arm.

“Portugal,” Seamus replied, trying to scratch his neck. “Ow. Ow!”

“Didn’t you think to bring any suntan lotion?” Harry inquired.

Seamus stared blankly at him. “Suntan... lotion?”

Harry stared back. “Yeah, you know... the stuff Muggles put on their skin to keep from getting burned?”

“Ohh... no. Me mam doesn’t believe in it. She prefers Sun-Deflecting Charms.”

“She needs a new strategy,” Harry muttered.

“So, are your parents as burned as you are?” Dean wanted to know.

“No.” Seamus scratched his nose. “Ow.”

“Oh. So I guess they didn’t spend as much time in the sun as you did, huh?”

Seamus blinked. “Who said anything about being in the sun?” he asked. “I accidentally got locked in one of the Muggle tanning beds.”

“Ow,” everyone replied, wincing.

Hermione made a face. “Those tanning beds are so dangerous. Even with charms or lotion, it’s still not a good idea. It can cause cancer...”

As Hermione rambled on, Ron raised an eyebrow at Seamus. “What is a tanning bed? A sort of oversized toaster?”

“I suppose you could say that. And I’m the toast.”

“Now I get it!” said Ron triumphantly.

Remus' Fan Club

Chapter 75 - Remus’ Fan Club


Remus sat at the table, calmly eating his porridge.

Well, it seemed like he was calm. But inside, he was seething with anger and jealousy.

Why, why, was everyone as strongly attracted to Sirius as he was? It just wasn’t fair. Remus loved Sirius and hated for other people to look at him. And yet, he was jealous of Sirius. Why didn’t anyone ever fall in love with him?

Well, Sirius had fallen in love with him, and still loved him. But Remus couldn’t pretend he wouldn’t mind some attention from others every once in awhile. Unfortunately, his lycanthropy turned most people off.

Sirius wandered into the room, fresh out of bed. It was eleven-thirty. “G’morning, love,” he yawned.

“Have you been sleeping late?” Remus demanded.

“Of course not, darling,” Sirius lied, pulling his hair over his face to hide the sleep creases.

Remus rolled his eyes as he got up to put his bowl in the sink. As he passed his lover, Sirius grabbed him by the waist and pulled him close. “I love you,” he said, kissing Remus’ forehead.

“I love you too,” Remus said, bemused. Sirius was never this affectionate or romantic in the mornings. He was either asleep or randy.

Tonks bounced in. “Wotcher, lads!” She sidled up to them and touched Remus’ sleeve. “Good morning, Remus. You’re looking so cute today!”

“Er - thanks?” Remus ducked as Sirius made to hit Tonks.

“Step away from the werewolf!”

“Aww, but he’s so cute,” she protested.

“Stop arguing,” Mrs. Weasley had entered the kitchen. “Remus is attractive, but he wouldn’t want you, Tonks. A motherly woman is more for him.” She smiled sweetly at Remus. Sirius ground his teeth.

“Molly, I’m warning you -!”

“Shut up, Black,” snapped Snape, sweeping through the door clutching a small cauldron. “Your Wolfsbane potion, Mr. Sexy,” he purred, sidling up to Remus, who began to sweat as he backed away.

“Get out of here, Snivellus!” Sirius roared, hurling a saucepan at Snape’s head and missing by inches.

“I could sell you a black-market sex toy, Lupin,” Mundungus contributed. “Like... me, perhaps!”

“Dung... d’you have a death wish?!” Sirius yelled, flinging a mayonnaise jar at Mundungus’ head.

“Siri, calm down,” Remus said, alarmed.

“Oh, Remus,” said Bill, appearing out of nowhere, “You’re looking awfully hot today. Can I help you remove some of those clothes?”

“ARRRGH!” Sirius hurled a handful of silverware at Remus’ admirers, scattering them. He tightened his grip around Remus’ waist and glared at his opponents. “Remus is MINE, and I’ll prove it, even if I have to take him right here, in front of you all!”

“Please do!” cried Tonks.

“AAARGH!” Remus woke up with a scream. Sirius stirred beside him and mumbled sleepily, “Wha’s it, love?”

“I think Ron’s toadstool dreams are contagious,” Remus gasped.

Harry's Profit Margin

Chapter 74 - Harry’s Profit Margin


One cold morning, Hermione and Ron emerged from their dormitories to find Harry sitting at a table in the common room, reading a long scroll of parchment.

“Hi, Harry. What’s wrong?” Hermione said, noticing the troubled look on Harry’s face.

“Sales of the Deluxe Honeydukes’ Harry Doll are down,” Harry mumbled.

Hermione and Ron exchanged looks. Perhaps all this attention had driven Harry insane, or they had misheard him. “What did you say?”

“Look!” Harry stretched the parchment across the table for them to view. “The Transforming Professor Lupin Action Figure has been selling quite well, and so has the Transforming Sirius Black Action Figure! But Dementor Fun Playset Harry isn’t moving!”

“What is this?” Ron asked.

“My profit margin!” Harry raved. “All the income from my books, my movies, my merchandise!”

“Why are you so concerned?” Hermione asked. “I thought you hated being famous.”

“No one likes to know their action figure places second to Snape’s,” Harry grumbled.

“Look at this!” Hermione’s eyes were gleaming. “The Hermione Honeydukes doll is a top seller among female fans!”

“And look! The Ron Weasley Burrow Playset is rated in the top ten for ages six to eleven!” Ron added.

“Hagrid Beach Towel sales are up seven hundred percent!”

“Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavour Beans are a hit with the Muggles!”

“Dumbledore’s Office Playset and the Potions Class Slime Maker are quite pouplar within the three-to-twelve age set,” Hermione observed. “But the Harry Potter Toothpaste Kit and the Harry Potter Golf Club Covers aren’t selling!”

Harry ground his teeth.” Don’t you see? I’m the famous one, and yet no one buys my stuff!”

“Hey, you’re right.” Ron glanced down at the end of one of the columns. “Quidditch Fun Harry has only sold three items, ever.”

“And your Halloween costumes are doing abysmally,” Hermione said sadly.

“Quidditch Fun Draco Malfoy outsold you, Harry!” Ron gasped.

Harry seized the parchment away and stuffed it in his bag. “Stupid thing. I wouldn’t even care, if it weren’t for the fact my entire income comes from those stupid toys!”

“It figures,” Hermione and Ron said together, standing up. Their pockets were bulging with Galleons, the profits from the sales of their own action figures.

“Stupid profit margin,” Harry muttered.

Homework

Chapter 73 - Homework


It was a typical day in the Hufflepuff common room.

Meaning, Hannah Abbot was having another one of her drama queen rants. Justin, Ernie, and Susan were determinedly ignoring her, trying to keep their minds on their Herbology essays. But Hannah’s shrill voice soon penetrated their eardrums, making them wince and look up.

“Why is it even called homework?” she demanded of them. “We don’t even do it at home! We do it at SCHOOL!”

“Well, as we live here ten months out of twelve, one can only assume Hogwarts is partially our home, darling,” Susan said simply, turning back to her essay.

“That’s besides the point!” Hannah cried. “Why do they need to force so much work on us? We’re only children!”

“We’re sixteen years old,” Ernie said, dipping his quill in his ink. “I hardly think we qualify as children any longer, Hannah.”

Hannah spluttered, trying to think of a comeback. “Doesn’t it concern you that we could be... doing... anything else besides this?”

“Like what?” Justin inquired. “Painting our toenails and gossiping about boys, perchance?”

“Actually, yes,” Hannah said. “That sounds like fun !”

“Yeah, it does,” Justin admitted.

Ernie twitched and moved his chair slightly away from Justin’s. “That’s not the point,” he said sternly, adopting the prefect manner he had had long before he ever became a prefect. “Painting our toenails won’t help us get a job after school.”

“We’ll see about that,” Hannah mumbled. “Susan and Justin and I can open our own pedicure shop.”

“Sounds fun!” Susan said.

“”Let’s start now!” cried Justin.

The three bolted, leaving behind a scatter of parchment. Ernie sighed, and continued on with his Herbology essay. He finally finished two hours later, rolling it up carefully and placing it in his bag. Then he cleaned up the table his friends had left such a mess.

“I believe I’m in the mood for a pedicure now,” he said to no one in particular. “And want to see what Justin thinks of that cute little Colin Creevey.”

Toes wiggling in anticipation, he skipped off to find his friends.

Crookshanks The Prince, Part 2

Chapter 72 - Crookshanks The Prince, Part Two


Though Ron hated Crookshanks as he was now, the entire female population (and some of the male population) of Hogwarts, Hermione included, was head-over-heels for him.

“He’s so gorgeous!” Parvati Patil sighed one morning, as she and Lavender passed Ron by without a glance, making him feel like a slug.

“It’s so not fair that Hermione gets all the hot guys,” Lavender pouted. “First she’s hanging around with Viktor Krum, and then Sirius Black... and now Crookshanks...”

“Crookshanks is her cat!” Ron burst out furiously.

The two girls gave him withering glances. “Maybe he was, “ Parvati replied scathingly, “But now he’s a really hot prince. Come on, Lavender, let’s go see him! He must be at breakfast with Hermione by now!”

Ron followed slowly as the girls leaped out of the portrait hole and tore down to breakfast. Halfway down he encountered Harry, who was walking just as slowly and looking just as gloomy.

“What’s up, mate?” Ron mumbled.

“Cho fancies Crookshanks now,” Harry moaned. Both boys felt hugely dejected.

“Dejector, rejector, infector, detector!” sang James Hetfield, holding an impromptu “Dirty Window” jam in the middle of the corridor.

Miserably, Harry and Ron ignored the singing and entered the Great Hall. Already a huge mob of students was clustered around the Gryffindor table. Ron and Harry squeezed through to take seats across from Hermione, who was being waited on by the cheerfully smiling Crookshanks.

“More juice, my lady?” he was asking, holding a pitcher of pumpkin juice aloft. Hermione nodded, and Crookshanks poured it for her, his gingery hair shining in the sunlight pouring through the windows, his skin looking as white and delicious as cream. He was so beautiful that even the mundane task of pouring juice seemed somehow holy when he did it.

Ron scowled. Quite the audience had collected to gawk at Crookshanks. Among them were Parvati, Lavender, Hannah, Susan, Cho, Luna, Ginny, Pansy, Millicent Bulstrode, Professor McGonagall, Professor Sprout, Draco Malfoy, and, for some reason, Sirius, Remus, and Dumbledore. All were gazing at the cat-turned-prince with sappy smiles on their faces.

“Oh, Hermione, you’re so lucky!” Ginny sighed.

“I would kill to have someone like that,” Cho gushed. Harry gripped his goblet so hard his knuckles were white.

“Miss Granger, could we trouble you to borrow your friend?” Professor Sprout and Professor McGonagall said in unison.

“I’ll give Gryffindor five thousand points if you let me have him for fifteen minutes!” Dumbledore offered.

“Hermione, may I please , please have hot, kinky, gay sex with your cat?” Sirius begged.

“Please, please,” Crookshanks laughed. “I belong to Miss Hermione only! While I’m flattered... I love only her....” To prove his point, he kissed Hermione on the lips.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” screamed Ron. He woke up and tumbled out of bed with a crash.

The lamp beside the next bed clicked on and Harry blinked down at his best mate, who was now sprawled on the floor in a tangle of bedclothes. “I guess the toadstool dreams haven’t stopped yet, huh?”

“Please kill me,” Ron whimpered.

Voodoo Lady

Chapter 71 - Voodoo Lady


It was a normal day at the Malfoy household. Lucius was moping because Draco had returned to school, and he had no one to sit in his lap and cuddle with. Narcissa still hadn’t recovered from discovering that Lucius had a new lover, and was still wondering who on Earth it could possibly be. Rodolphus was dozing in his broom cupboard. Rabastan was munching on Bertie Bott’s Every-Flavour Beans while he watched television. And Bellatrix was... Bellatrix was where?

She was in her bedroom, sitting at the sewing machine. Normally, she hated sewing, but this was a task better done on her own.

“Ow!” She cursed as she pricked herself for the hundredth time. Wiping the blood off on her hanky, she applied another Band-Aid.

She bent down busily, her mind on her work instead of her stinging fingers. She was busy making a small doll. It was dressed in a scrap of grey cloth, and had painted-on eyes.

“There.” The sewing was finished. Now for the final touch. She opened her drawer and pulled out an envelope. Inside the envelope were a bunch of clippings of black hair. Smiling, Bellatrix glued these to the doll’s head, giving it a long, scraggly mane.

“AHA!” She was done! It was a perfect doll of her cousin, Sirius.

“Now, I’ll make you pay,” she said, seizing a handful of pins.

STAB.

Meanwhile, at Grimmauld Place, Sirius was sitting between Remus and Bill. He was sniggering at the cartoons in the Quibbler. The rest of the Order was there as well, taking advantage of the children’s absence by having a huge, important meeting. Once Dumbledore and Hagrid arrived, it would be time to start.

Snape was sitting across from Sirius. Suddenly he screamed, and toppled out of his chair.

There was a pause. Then McGonagall spoke up. “Er... Severus?”

“I’m fine. I - AAARGHH!” Snape rolled over, clutching at his stomach. “OW!!!”

“What are you up to now, Snivelly?” Sirius demanded.

“It’s not -aaaaarrrrghhh!” Snape grabbed his head. “It’s like - PINS - ARE - STABBING -ME -”

Bellatrix was still merrily stabbing her voodoo doll, convinced that she was hurting Sirius. “Just you wait!” she sang, thrusting another pin into the doll’s crotch.

“ARRRRGHHHH!” Snape was in intense pain. The rest of the Order were in an uproar, trying to determine what was going on.

“It’s voodoo!” Kingsley cried.

“It’s a ghostly curse!” Tonks wailed.

“It’s the Dark Lord’s doing!” Moody roared. “I told you to have CONSTANT VIGILANCE!”

Dumbledore appeared, took stock of what was going on, and tapped Snape firmly with his wand. “Finite Incantatum!”

Bellatrix’s doll burst into flames and crumbled into ash. The voodoo curse was lifted.

“Not fair!” Bellatrix burst into tears. She had just retrieved her spider-smashing mallet from under the bed.

The hair clippings she had taken from Grimmauld Place’s dustbins had been Snape’s. He had hired Kreacher to trim his hair.

“I’ll never cut my hair again, ever!” Snape wailed.

“You’ll look like Sirius,” Bill said.

“EWWW!” Snape cried, and burst into tears.

Hagrid's Tiki Hut

Chapter 70 - Hagrid’s Tiki Hut


Once the Hogwarts Express had arrived at Hogsmeade, and Harry and his friends had been safely extracted (utilizing a crowbar), the students got in the thestral-drawn carriages for the ride up to the school. Harry noticed a commotion at Hagrid’s hut the moment his carriage turned into the drive.

Curious, Harry hurried down to Hagrid’s as soon as the carriage stopped. Hagrid’s whole house was surrounded by citronella-burning tiki torches, and an enormous fire was burning in a pit. Over it was a spit with a slowly rotating pig skewered on it. The four House tables and the staff table were sitting on the lawn, surrounded by torches.

“Harry! Good ter see yeh, mate, good ter see yeh!” Hagrid bounded over. Harry stared. Despite the fact it was January, Hagrid was dressed only in sandals and a grass skirt. A lei of bright flowers hung around his neck. But then again, between all the tiki torches and the pig roast, it was nearly as warm as Hawaii outside the castle.

Hagrid draped a lei around Harry’s neck, and put some on Ron, Hermione and Ginny, who had wandered over and were looking dumbfounded. Harry blinked rapidly. In fact, the whole school was heading this way, and they were all wearing leis.

“Welcome! It’s our special Hogwarts Luau!” Dumbledore stood. He was wearing a grass skirt and a loud Hawaiian shirt, plus several bright leis. His long silver hair was decorated by pair of flowery barrettes. (Sirius had been right about hairclips being IN this season.) The sight was disturbing. “Dig in!”

As everyone took their seats, dumbfounded and confused, food appeared on the tables. There was poi and roast pig; coconut milk and pineapples; Jell-O on pineapple rings; bananas, breadfruit, and lots of other exotic things Harry couldn’t identify.

He looked up at the staff table. The teachers were dressed in fashion similar to Hagrid and Dumbledore. Even Snape was wearing a Hawaiian shirt! Harry blinked rapidly to be sure his eyes weren’t just playing tricks on him. No, Snape really was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!

The teachers were downing pina coladas and maguritas. Hagrid was cutting up the roast pig and distributing it to the students who had queued up in front of him for a slice.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged glances.

“Well. I guess we can have some fun,” Harry shrugged.

With that, he put on a giant straw hat. Ron Transfigured his robes into a Hawaiian shirt and baggy shorts, and Hermione turned hers into a flowery bikini and sarong.

“Time for pig,” Harry grinned, and they seized their plates and ran to join the queue.

How NOT To Be Seen

Chapter 69 - How NOT To Be Seen


The children were on the Hogwarts Express, on their way back to Hogwarts for the second term. They were bored. So Harry had rounded up Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Parvati, Lavender, Luna, Ernie Macmillan, Hannah Abbot, Justin Finch-Fletchly, Susan Bones, and Cho to play “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”.

It was a nice idea, but there were so many kids squished into the compartment that they couldn’t move.

“So, what are we supposed to be doing?” Ernie asked from somewhere in the luggage rack.

“We’re playing ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’,” Harry explained patiently. “It’s a funny Muggle show.”

“I’ve never watched Muggle Telefission,” Susan said in a worried voice.

“You don’t have to.”

“Harry! I’m squished!” Ginny yelled from the floor, where she was unseen amongst the tangle of limbs and robes.

“Me too!” Justin called.

“Shh! I’m trying to explain the rules!” Harry was quite bossy when in charge. “We’re going to start the first part of the game, and it’s called “How NOT To Be Seen”.”

“That’s easy!” Hermione said. Her voice was slightly muffled because her face was squished against the wall. “You can use an Invisibility Cloak, or a Disillusionment Charm, or an Invisibility Charm.... Chameleon Ghouls can turn into ordinary things around them, or blend into walls, in order to sneak around....”

“No, no!” Harry protested.

“Wait, I saw that episode!” Dean interrupted. “The people would hide, then when the announcer called them and they stood up, they’d get shot, so they stopped standing up, and the announcer just blew them up instead!”

“That’s not fun!” yelped Parvati. Luna’s unmistakable giggle sounded from behind Ron.

“Has anyone figured out that “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” is a dumb name?” Hannah said, working her way into another patented Abbot Drama Queen Bit. “Who ever heard of a Flying Circus? How is anyone supposed to go and see it if it’s flying?”

“Hey, you’re right,” Seamus said from on top of the lamp.

“I need to go to the bathroom, but I don’t know where I am,” said Ron.

“Has anyone seen my Mimbulus mimbletonia ?” Neville asked in a worried tone. “Or Trevor?”

“I hate to say this, Neville, but I just stepped in something squishy,” Cho said in a sad voice. “But I’m not sure if it’s a toad or a Mimbulus mimbletonia.”

“It’s neither,” Lavender said. “It was my cheese sandwich. That’s okay. Cheese is bad for my beautiful arteries.”

“I can’t breathe,” said Dean.

“I think I know how not to be seen, Harry,” said Ginny. “Just hide in here with us. I can’t see anyone.”

“Me too,” Harry agreed. “Let’s spread out.”

There was a pause. Then:

“Harry? I think we’re stuck.”

Hairclips Are IN This Season!

Chapter 68 - Hairclips Are IN This Season!


Breakfast time at Grimmauld Place. Harry and Ron were eating the scrambled eggs Remus had set out for them when Hermione entered the room. Her bushy brown hair was not held back by her usual Alice band, but by a pair of glittery blue hair clips in the shape of butterflies.

“You look very nice today, Hermione,” Remus smiled at her. “What lovely barrettes.”

“Thank you, Remus.” She smiled back as he set her breakfast in front of her. Harry and Ron, of course, didn’t pay the slightest attention.

Ginny entered the kitchen a few minutes later. Her wavy, flaming-red hair was clipped up in a pretty pink barrette decorated with silver stars. Remus smiled at her, putting eggs on a plate and serving it to her. “You look lovely today, Ginny. I like your barrette.”

“Thanks, Remus,” Ginny grinned back. Harry and Ron continued to chow down, completely oblivious to the changing hairstyles of their friends.

The kitchen door opened once more and Sirius came in. His long, shiny black hair was held back by two pairs of barrettes - one silver and oval-shaped, the other gold with pink hearts on the top. It made quite an improvement. For once his long hair was held out of his face.

Remus blinked rapidly as he served breakfast to his lover. “Er... Siri... what are you wearing?”

Sirius looked down at himself, plucking at the charcoal-grey robes he was wearing. “The usual,” he replied. “Why?”

“No.... I mean, what are you wearing in your hair?”

“Oh, those.” Sirius touched one of his hair clips. “Don’t you like them?”

“Aren’t they... girly?”

“Remmie!” Sirius looked offended. “Hairclips are IN this season!”

“He’s right, you know,” Hermione pointed out. “Why else d’you think we’re wearing them?”

“But - on a man?” Harry and Ron looked revolted as they stared at the glittery clips in Sirius’ hair.

“Hairclips are gender-neutral,” Ginny said defensively.

“He’s got hearts in his hair,” Harry whined.

“Honestly, you two are so unimaginative,” Hermione snapped. “I think they look good on Sirius. They make his hair look so nice.”

“My hair’s so black, it produces a blue sheen,” Sirius smirked, running his hands through his hair. Sure enough, it looked dark blue under the lights.

“That doesn’t solve the fact that you’re wearing girl’s clips in your hair!” Ron said.

“Would it make you feel better if I took them out?!” Sirius yanked the clips from his hair, so it hung in his eyes again. “There!”

“Thank you,” Harry and Ron chorused.

“You seem to be really uptight about me wearing girls’ stuff, so I suppose I’d better take off the panties I’m wearing, too, huh?”

Harry and Ron fainted. Remus, Ginny, and Hermione gaped at Sirius.

“I was kidding,” he said in exasperation. “Geez....”

Lord Of The Rings (Condensed Version)

Chapter 67 - Lord Of The Rings (Condensed Version)


Harry awoke one morning in December to find a shiny, golden ring on his pillow. He picked it up. It was shiny. It was golden. It was pretty. Harry liked it.

“Hey, Ron. Look at this!” he said.

“What is it?”

“A ring.”

“Wicked! Try it on!”

Harry did. He became invisible.

“Wow! It’s a magic ring!”

At that moment, Dumbledore appeared.

“Did I hear someone mention a magic ring?” He grabbed it from Harry and looked closely at it. “This is the One Ring! It will surely come to evil purposes if found by the Dark Lord! We must throw it into the fires of Mount Doom! I shall be your guide! And now, your Fellowship!”

POOF.

A smoke cloud billowed up in front of them. When it cleared, Harry and Ron saw six people standing beside Dumbledore: Hermione, Ginny, Sirius, Remus, Hagrid, and a random Hufflepuff boy we will call Tim.

“Behold your Fellowship!” Dumbledore cried. “Your fellow small people, Hermione and Ginny! Your guy-who-looks-like-a-bum-but-is-really-an-important-king, Sirius! Your elf-stand-in, Remus! Your dwarf-stand-in, Hagrid! And your guy-who-is-very-arrogant-and-wants-the-Ring-but-it-doesn’t-matter-because-he’ll-be-killed-by-Orcs-soon, Tim! And I am your wizard, Dumbledore! Harry, you are Ring-Bearer! And Ron, you are Ring-Bearer’s constant companion who may or may not be homosexually attracted to him!”

“WHAT?!” yelled Ron. “Me and Harry? Ewww!”

“What did you say about me being killed by Orcs soon?” Tim asked in alarm.

“Let us go, Fellowship!” Dumbledore gestured wildly with his wand. “To Mount Doom!”

“Wait!” Harry was pulled from the castle, still in his pajamas. “Where are we going?”

“Mount Doom!” Dumbledore pointed to a large volcano just beyond the Quidditch pitch. That was odd. Harry couldn’t remember seeing it there before.

“Look! A cave! Let’s take it! It will surely be a shortcut!” Sirius said.

“Okay!” They hurried in.

“Oh no! A big monster! A balrog! Aghhhh!” Dumbledore tumbled down an endless pit.

“Oh no! Dumbledore is dead!” Sirius led the way out of the caves.

“Give me the ring, Harry!” Tim demanded.

“No!” Harry yelled.

“Oh no!” cried Remus. “Orcs!”

The Orcs surrounded them. Harry put on his magic ring and turned invisible; he jumped into a nearby boat and sailed away, Ron clinging to the back of it. Two Orcs picked up Hermione and Ginny and carried them off. And a thousand arrows shot Tim in the chest!

“Argh! Our poor, befallen guide was right!” Tim cried, before dying.

The Orcs ran away. Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid were left standing stupidly over Tim’s corpse.

“Well, that could have gone worse,” Sirius said. “Well, I suppose we should go save Hermione and Ginny.”

“Argh!” Hermione cried as she was being carried away by Orcs. “Ginny! Wiggle!”

The two girls wiggled and were promptly dropped. They were picked up by an enormous tree, which dumped them at the feet of Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid.

“Thank you!” the girls cried. The motley crew continued on, until they saw an old man on a white horse.

“Look! It is Dumbledore!” they cried, running down to him. He waved his wand and horses appeared for them to ride.

“Come, fellow warriors!” he cried. “We must stop the Orcs from taking over Middle-Earth! I mean, Hogwarts! And to a lesser extent, we shall avenge the death of Tim!”

“There’s a plot twist no one informed me of,” Remus said, looking back several pages for any element of foreshadowing. He couldn’t find any, and gave up as Dumbledore’s army charged into battle with the Orcs.

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were struggling up the side of Mount Doom. Somewhere, randomly, they had picked up Draco, who was strangely obsessed with shiny things, and who kept muttering “My precioussss...” whenever he saw Harry’s shiny ring.

They reached the top of the mountain and looked into a bubbling lava pit.

“Gloop,” said the lava. Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

“We’ll need something to weigh the ring down,” Harry said. He and Ron thought for a moment, then smiled evilly. “Draco!”

“Yes?”

Harry flipped the ring to him. “Here, take my shiny ring.”

Draco’s eyes glazed over as he looked at the shiny ring. Harry and Ron nodded at each other. Then Ron got on his hands and knees behind Draco, and Harry pushed the stupefied Malfoy. Hard.

“AIIIIIEEEEE!” Draco plummeted into the lava. There was a huge explosion, and Mount Doom began to quake wildly. Harry and Ron clutched each other and wailed, thinking they were doomed, but just then a powder-blue carriage pulled by giant horses swooped down. The door opened and Sirius leaned out.

“Quick, hurry, get in!”

They did as they were told. As they flew over Hogwarts, they could see the fallen Orc army being absorbed by Mount Doom’s lava.

“Yay! The Ring has been destroyed!” Dumbledore said happily. “We rock!”

“I must be married so that I may become King!” Sirius said. “Remus, marry me!”

“Of course I will!” Remus and Sirius kissed.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” Ron sat up. He blinked. He was still in St. Mungo’s.

“Another toadstool dream?” Mrs. Weasley asked.

“Hold me,” Ron squeaked in fear.

Crookshanks The Prince

Chapter 66 - Crookshanks The Prince


Ginny had been reading too many faerie tales these days. They had been giving her scary ideas.

For instance, one morning at breakfast she produced a glass slipper and demanded that Remus put it on Sirius’ foot to see if Sirius was truly his princess. Sirius had retaliated by throwing the slipper out the window, where it hit a Muggle in the head. The Muggle immediately sold the slipper on Ebay for two million dollars.

Another time, she forced Ron to eat a strangely-coloured mushroom, claiming it would make him shrink. Ron had to be rushed to St. Mungo’s with severe toadstool poisoning.

Ginny had also claimed that Snape lived in a gingerbread house and ate children; Hagrid lived in a house on top of the clouds, where he hid an enormous fortune; and Harry had been abandoned in the jungle as a child, where he was raised by wolves and made friends with singing, dancing bears.

It was all quite ridiculous. Mrs. Weasley was quite worried by now. She had never known that Muggle faerie tales could be so mind-altering.

But the strangest thing happened when Ginny swore that Crookshanks was really a prince.

“He is ,” she insisted to the bemused population of Grimmauld Place, eyeing the grumpy cat which sat in Hermione’s lap. “He’s under a spell from a wicked witch, and we have to change him back.”

“And just how do we do that?” Ron asked sarcastically.

“It’s easy! Hermione needs to kiss him!” Ginny said proudly.

“Ew, no!” Hermione protested. “In the story, the frog was kissed by a princess that he loved! Crookshanks is always way more affectionate with Sirius than he is with me!” She dumped the cat in Sirius’ lap.

“But I’m not a princess,” Sirius replied quickly, dumping the cat back on Hermione. “I’m all man, okay?”

“I can attest to that,” Remus said, snuggling up to his lover. The others twitched, then looked back at Crookshanks. The cat mewed and looked up at Hermione.

“See! He wants you to kiss him!” Ginny said triumphantly.

“Well, okay,” Hermione said, and kissed he cat on the lips.

POOF! Crookshanks disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to be replaced by a sexy, sultry prince dressed in tight leather trousers and a silk shirt. He had gingery hair the color of Crookshanks’ fur, which fell gracefully into his golden eyes, and long, sexy legs. He smiled, revealing perfect teeth, and every knee in the house turned to water. Even Harry found himself questioning his sexuality at the sight of this gorgeous god.

“You’re all mine, my dear,” the prince murmured, bending down to kiss Hermione passionately.

“AAAAUUUGHHH!” Ron screamed. He sat up, fighting against his blankets. He looked around wildly. Strange. He wasn’t in Grimmauld Place. He was at St. Mungo’s.

“Oh, darling, are you okay?” his mother asked anxiously. She and Mr. Weasley were sitting beside their son’s bed.

“Yeah... I just had a really weird dream...” Ron muttered.

“Poor dear. It must have been a hallucination brought on by that poisonous toadstool Ginny gave you.”

Lucius' New Lover

Chapter 65 - Lucius’ New Lover


Narcissa Malfoy had a problem.

It was a difficult, upsetting problem that made her cry.

She was certain that her husband was having an affair.

But the question was, with whom? She already knew about his affair with Snape, and of his secret lust for Lupin. She knew about the mild flirtation he had had with Bill Weasley at one time. She knew that Lucius had often gone to Sirius’ brother Regulus when they were younger. And she also knew the unnatural fondness he harboured for their own son. None of it bothered her, because none of his previous relationships were enough to make him leave her. But this... this might be it.

She couldn’t stand it anymore, and finally went for help. The only help available was her sister.

“Bella, darling! I think Lucius is having an affair!” Narcissa launched herself into her sister’s lap, sobbing.

Bellatrix put down her Game Boy, a thoughtful look on her face. “Well, dear. Let’s think.” She dried Narcissa’s tears with her hanky. “We’ll start at the beginning. You do know Lucius and Severus have their own Thursday-night routine, right?”

“Yes,” Narcissa sniveled pathetically.

“Okay. Then do you know that he sits around most times picturing Lupin naked?” Bellatrix asked, with a shudder at the thought of Remus naked. Thinking of Remus naked made her think of Sirius naked, which was truly disturbing (to her, at least).

“Yes,” Narcissa whimpered.

“Okay... what about Bill Weasley? They had a little touchy-kissy-feely thing going on for a little while,” Bellatrix said.

“He used to come home with red hairs on him!” Narcissa said. “Of course I knew!”

“Oh. Well... okay, this may scare you, but... remember when we thought Draco had found a pureblood girlfriend to shag? Well, he did - the bad news is, it’s Lucius.”

“I know about that too!” Narcissa sobbed. “I don’t care! As long as he’s with Draco, I know he’s not out all night!”

Bellatrix twitched. “Well, then, dear... I’m truly sapped for ideas. I have no clue who he could be messing with... it can’t be Rodolphus, I keep him locked in the broom cupboard when I’m not using him... and it can’t be Rabastan, he’s more interested in food than sex... that’s probably why he never got married....” Her face brightened. “Wait! What about Regulus? Did you know about them?”

“Yes,” Narcissa wailed. “And Regulus is dead now, so it can’t be him!”

“Right... then I really don’t know, dear. Maybe you’re just imagining it,” Bellatrix said soothingly, patting her sister’s head.

At that very moment, Lucius was getting out of his lover’s bed. He pulled on his leather trousers.

“Leaving so soon, Luci?” a voice purred from behind him.

“I’m sorry, My Lord. But I must,” Lucius said, fastening his robes and leaning down to kiss his lover.

“I’ll see you next Wednesday, then?” Voldemort asked.

“Of course, My Lord. I’ll bring the whipped cream.”

Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?

Chapter 64 - Psycho Killer, Qu’est-ce Que C’est?



A week after Christmas, just a few days before the children were to return to Hogwarts, Rita Skeeter’s article about Sirius appeared in the Daily Prophet. Sirius seemed too nervous to open the paper; his hands were shaking as he took it from Hedwig.

“I can’t do it,” he said helplessly, thrusting the paper at Hermione. “You read it! I’m too nervous.”

Hermione took the paper and opened it to the right page. She cleared her throat and began to read:

“‘As a reporter, I’ve come across many things in the world that have astounded me, even left me speechless. I thought I’d seen it all, until the day I met one Sirius Black.’”

“That sounds like a promising opening,” Ron mumbled sarcastically.

“‘He seemed like a normal enough man on first sight, though his hair was much longer than regulation and he needed a shave quite badly; I also believe his cologne was Eau de Werewolf. His lover and godson slipped away even before I could say hello, but I got all I needed to know from Mr. Black himself. Perhaps more than I wanted to know.

‘When I asked him about Azkaban, he shuddered violently and refused to talk in detail about it. ‘None of your business’, he said shortly, gulping down the last half of his drink and immediately ordering another. He seemed quite tipsy already; I wondered how much he had had to drink before arriving. The man is clearly an alcoholic.’”

“WHAT?!” Sirius cried in despair, interrupting Hermione. “I am not! This woman is totally blowing it out of proportion! I had three drinks at the Three Broomsticks! That’s it!”

“I told you she’d slander you,” Harry said. Hermione resumed reading.

“‘I finally gave up pursuing the Azkaban query; he was trembling at the mere idea of it. Instead, I moved on to his relationship with Harry Potter. After all, being godfather and sole guardian of the Boy Who Lived must be a trial. But Mr. Black laughed it off, downing another drink and laughing loudly and crudely. ‘It’s easy, being a parent,’ he said dryly. ‘A few whacks every now and then will do it.’”

The others looked shocked; Sirius was outraged. “I didn’t say that!” he cried. “I’d never hit Harry! Or any of you kids, for that matter!”

Hermione nodded, looking upset, and began reading again. “‘When asked about his relationship with Remus Lupin, werewolf and ex-Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher at Hogwarts, Mr. Black responded that he and Mr. Lupin had been together since their Hogwarts days. It is clear to this reporter that Mr. Black was more interested in the sexual aspects of the relationship. ‘Werewolves are great, if you get what I mean,’ he said to me - or at least, that’s what it sounded like; his words were quite slurred by now.’”

Remus growled. “How dare she!” he burst out furiously. “That evil woman! She’s making my Siri out to be a child-abusing drunk with nothing but sex on his mind!”

Sirius moaned.

“‘I asked Mr. Black if he was implying something. He merely responded with a lecherous wink, and I noticed that he was eyeing one of the men over at the next table.’”

“No!” Sirius cried in horror. “No, no! Remmie! I never would! I love you! She’s lying!”

Remus sniffled.” Am I that horrible to be with, that you have to check out other men at pubs?!”

“No, love! I wasn’t looking at anyone else! That wretched woman is making things up again!”

Remus huffed. “And after you bought me that lovely present -”

“Moony! I swear, it’s not true!” Sirius looked desperate.

“‘But the final blow came when our meal arrived,’” Hermione continued loudly, cutting off the argument. “‘I asked Mr. Black how he felt, being accused of murdering thirteen people, being responsible for the deaths of his godson’s parents, and being known as a murderer. When I did, he became so angry that he -’” she blinked rapidly. “‘- that he - he grabbed my hair and smashed my face into my dinner. So I must conclude that Mr. Black is an - i-insane murderer, and should not have slipped through the cracks of our shoddy judicial system.’”

Everyone was silent as Hermione finished reading. All eyes were on Sirius.

“So I smashed her face into her dinner,” Sirius said grudgingly. “What’s wrong with that?”

“I wish I had been there to see it,” Harry sighed.

Fred grinned and put an arm around Sirius’ shoulders. “Congratulations, mate. Now you look like an even crazier psycho murderer than you already did.”

Sirius burst into tears.

Hot For Teacher

Chapter 63 - Hot For Teacher


After that disappointing end to Christmas, everyone went to bed earlier than usual. Sirius and Remus were the only ones still up, sitting on the sofa in the drawing room. Sirius tried not to look at the empty corner where the Christmas tree had been.

“Remember, it’s not about trees and presents,” Remus reminded him softly, kissing his cheek. “It’s about the birth of Jesus.”

“I know,” Sirius said glumly. “But it’s also about peace and love, right? And yet, Snivellus stole our tree!”

“You shouldn’t have been hiding from him,” Remus said firmly. “I know you don’t like him, but you were being quite childish. Dumbledore is right - we should be forming and keeping as many alliances as possible. It’s our only defense against Voldemort. As Abraham Lincoln once said, ‘United we stand, divided we fall’.”

Sirius leaned against him. “I love it when you lecture me like that,” he said. “It brings out the professor-ness in you.”

“You never listened half as well to Professor McGonagall or any of the others.”

“They weren’t as sexy as you, Moony. Or as shaggable.”

Remus snuggled back. “Mmm. If you were one of my students, I wouldn’t have had a job for long.”

“It might be exciting to shag on a desk.”

“I thought we tried that in seventh year.”

“The teacher’s desk, I mean.”

“Oh, yes.” Remus giggled as Sirius’ breath tickled his neck. His mate’s fingers ventured up his shirt. “Sirius, that tickles!”

“It doesn’t tickle as much as the way I’d like to tickle you,” Sirius murmured in a sultry tone.

“Then take me to bed,” Remus gasped. “I want to see you in that new dressing gown... and have the opportunity to tear it off you...”

“Only if I get to give you one last surprise...” Sirius breathed.

“It’s a deal,” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand and pulled him into the bedroom. They didn’t talk until they were sitting on their bed, door locked and several Silencing Charms supplied, more for the children’s benefit than anyone else’s. “All right, love. What’s this surprise?”

Sirius sniggered slightly and reached under his pillow, drawing out a present wrapped in silver paper and burgundy ribbon. “Open it and see.”

Remus did so. He uncovered a small white box. Curiously, he lifted the cover, and gasped.

“Oh, Siri - it’s so beautiful -” his eyes filled with tears. “Oh, love -”

“I love you more than anyone, Remmie. I wanted to get this to show you just how much,” Sirius whispered huskily, taking the box from Remus’ hands. “Let me put it on you.”

Several hours later, they lay close together, panting, absolutely exhausted. Sirius’ new dressing gown had been put on, pulled off, and flung to the floor in a fit of passion; Remus was totally naked as well except for a frilly, lacy white garter tied high on his right thigh. Sirius fingered it lovingly.

“Do you like it, love?”

“Oh, yes.” Remus kissed him. “I never knew you had such a fondness for lace....”

“Partly, love. Mostly, I was just hot for teacher.”

Remus giggled delightedly as Sirius pulled the covers over their heads and began tickling him. It hadn’t been such a bad Christmas after all.